Fifty Shades Needed
by MouseHamptonGray
Summary: Ana has a rough past that is holding her back, Christian (who has the same past as the books) has overcome his struggles. While she is spiralling out of control Christian takes her hand and leads her into the world of BDSM and finding her footing. Sometimes love isn't enough but support is always needed. Lemons/Kinky Lemons. AU/OC. All original characters/ideas belong to EL James.
1. Chapter 1

Kate is hammering out her paper last minute, something I should look over and make sure that it is okay to hand in but I'm not in the mood today. I don't feel like even touching this paper. First semester of third year, and I know that my grades have slipped just because I don't have the drive anymore. It's just a stupid history course that we're both taking as an elective, all of our electives and general courses have been the same. First semester first year it was just by chance but then we did it by choice.

"I think I'm going to go out tonight," I announce from the couch.

"You already have this stupid paper done don't you?" She groans from the kitchen island. "It's not fair that you got to do your paper on a well known president and I was stuck with Jefferson."

"Kate, there's a lot of information on Jefferson."

"Yeah, well at least Lincoln is more interesting."

I laugh, true I got a President who will always be remember not only for his legacy but for his death/assassination. I also started when I assigned the topic instead of leaving it to the last five days. I think I finished the two thousand words last week.

"Can I call you if I get to drunk to walk back?" I ask.

"Sure, just don't do anything stupid this time.

"You can't let that one time just remain in the past, can you?"

She turns away from her laptop to critically look me up and down, then eyeing me like I have seen her mom eye her. _I know, I know; God, you announce one time that you'd let some random the you over a table because you rolled your eyes and now people assume you'll always of that._ My cheeks warm with the flame of a blush as Kate laughs at my discomfort, both of us recalling that time back in April.

"Don't do anything stupid, please. I don't want you to get yourself in some bad situation with some fucked up weirdo. I'm just looking out for you, Ana," She pleads.

"I know, and I appreciate it. It's just…"

"You feel like you need something more?"

"I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do with ramifications instead of being left to my own devices," I admit. "It's different growing up having to take care of yourself when you have two adults in the house who should be the ones raising you."

"I get it, Honey. You had to adult too early and now you're unbalanced."

I laugh at her imitation of her brother as I leave to my room to change into one of my favourite dresses. It's black, barely covers my ass and the collar is leather, and to complete the ensemble my favourite gold heels. Kate watches me in the mirror as I apply my night look in the bathroom. She wants to speak out about my outfit, dressing up like this and going out alone, the hazards of drunk idiots and whatever else. We have this battle too often that I can just look at her and know.

"You've been different lately," She frowns.

"I feel more out of control and numb than normal. It's getting me down. I'm… I don't know. I just think I am lost and the world just keeps going."

"Have you thought about talking to John? Calling him? I know we're not in Seattle but the good Doc may have insight for you."

"I don't need him right now. If you see cries for help call him for me."

By the time I reach club _Until Dawn_ , it is an hour after I decided to go out. Partying it up solo on a Wednesday night, thankfully this place almost always has a good crowd with something happening every night. I head over to the bar and wave Noah down, he's in my Victorian Romance Literature course at school.

"Hey Ana, this is the ninth day in a row where you've showed up here," He smirks.

"Ain't you nosey," I joke.

"I'll bring you your double gin and tonic, and I will cut you off if you get to out of it like on Monday."

"Did Kate call you?"

"Did Kavanaugh call and warn me you're in a slump? Of course."

I pout on the stool and look around at the people who are here tonight. A group of suits are sat in the little VIP lounge in the corner, it's normally rented out for birthday parties. Noah sets my drink in front of me, and then follows my eyes.

"They're here because the you one in the light grey closed some big deal. He's not much older than us but is the richest man in the state, on the west coast," He explains.

I look around for the one in the grey suit and Noah's right, he looks around Ethan's age which is only five years older. Copper hair in that weird way where it looks clean but just fucked at the same time. A couple of the men around him look military, buzz cuts and standing at attention. Everyone seems to be having a good time, but they're staying separated from the bulk of the people here. That one though, he's gorgeous and clearly knows it.

I have no clue what's playing out of the speakers, how much I have had to drink, or any concept of time. I'm just swaying and dancing to the beat of the bass the drums through the floor and into my soul. This place is still fairly busy, it can't be that late or people don't care like myself. Hands grab onto my waist and I grind my ass into whoever has decided to join me. I turn around and wrap my arms around my kind suitor, still moving to the beat of the music with my eyes closed.

"Come get a drink with me," He says, calling my attention.

I open my eyes to look up at him, grey eyes for the grey suit man. God, he couldn't get any better but his voice is like honey. I clench my thighs together as I look up at him, my mouth's gone dry and I have forgotten all english.

"Une boisson serait belle, je vais avoir un gin tonic," I breathe.

He smirks, "Que diriez-vous d'une eau à la place?"

He grasps my hand, tiny and frail compared to his one made of muscle. He pulls me back to the VIP area where most of the men he was there with have gone except for the military men and some blonde guy who seems pretty drunk. Noah is quickly over, assessing the situation to report to Kate if I need to be retrieved. My burns with a blush, it won't go away until I leave Adonis here and I know that.

"I'll have a gin and tonic, Noah," I giggle.

"We'll have water, maybe some orange juice. No more alcohol," Adonis says.

Noah looks between us, his phone is out before he makes it over to the bar. I won't have long before Kate bursts through the doors and ruins the moments I have with him.

"You shouldn't drink to excess, it's dangerous. You shouldn't gamble with you safety or your life," He scolds.

"You don't know me," I roll my eyes.

His eyes darken, and he lets go of my hand before holding his back out. I look at it like it's some foreign object I've never seen before.

"I'm Christian, and I'd like to get to know you," I smiles, and shakes my hand before making me sit in the booth next to him. "Tell me something about yourself."

"I'm Anastasia, Ana, I'm drunk," I burst into a fit of giggles.

"Are you here with anyone?" I shake my head no. "But you're friends with the bartender? He seems protective of you."

"Noah and I share some classes and he used to date my roommate. If you want protective you should see Kate."

Noah sets glasses of juice and some water bottles down in front of us, a note is written on a napkin warning me that Kate is on her way. I huff, roll my eyes and slump down into the booth like a petulant child. They're cutting my night of fun off.

"If you were mine I would take you over my knee here and now for the show you've just put on," Christian's eyes glimmer.

I lick my lips before taking my bottom one between my teeth, nibbling on it in anticipation. His adams apples bobs as he swallows, eyes are honed in on my lip. His large hand cups my face, his thumb releasing my lip from my teeth. I'm panting, dizzy, and dealing with a very uncomfortable dampness in my panties.

"Why do you care how I act?" I choke out.

"Sometimes people need some order in their lives, someone to control them. Do you need that Anastasia?"

"Just Ana."

"Do you need someone to control you?" His tone is firmer.

I gape like a fish for a moment, bleating out, "Yes Sir."

He smiles, nudging one of the juices towards me. I roll my eyes and chug the refreshing drink. Next he hands me the uncapped water bottle and I drink half of its contents before looking back up at his eyes. The smirk the crosses his beautiful face is hypnotizing and frustrating, I should not be so entrapped in him and I am.

"Ana!" Kate's voice cuts over everyone as Noah escorts her to us. "Noah, she is fucking plastered." She hovers over me, we're challenging each other through a staring contest. "Please don't tell me you're blazed too."

"I'm not high, Kate. I'm fine. Christian here has made sure I drank water and juice, even though I wanted vodka and gin," I snap.

She stops glaring at me and looks at Christian, and then the blonde guy on the other side of the booth, fascinated by him. Of course, any one who is blonde with muscle and looks like Apollo draws her attention.

"That's not a way to talk to your friend," Christian says in my ear. "Apologize."

"What?" I spin to glare at him, making him laugh. "You're joking right?"

He shakes his head, the smile confuses me whether or not this is over disapproval or not. I can't read him, but it's as if everything I do hits some button of his or crosses some unknown line. It's like we're playing some game and I can't tell who's winning.

"Can I see your phone?" He asks.

I hand it over, not even questioning what he wants to do with it. Kate is sat across from me, in some intense conversation with the guy.

"My brother, Elliot." Christian chuckles.

"Huh?"

"You're wondering who you're very caring friend was talking to, right?"

"How did you know I was wondering that?"

"You're easy to read."

"I am not!"

"Hate to break it to you Honey, but you are."

"You're a cow," I pout.

He laughs, he full on fucking laughs at me. Fuelling the drunken rage that is building inside me. I swear that some of the stoic militia that grace his company react momentarily by his outburst but I'm pissed and am not alright being laughed at.

I snatch my phone back and stomp towards the bar, Noah gives me my purse back and looks me up and down. I shake my head, I just want to leave. Fuck, this was supposed to take my mind off everything not make me feel like more of a fuck up than I already know I am.

Kate's on me as soon as I make it out into the fresh fall air, gasping at the cold that runs down my throat and awakens all my senses. She tries to make me get in her car, but I can't. I just need space, I need to walk, I need to think. I just want all of this, every second and every painful moment and memory to end, I want the numbness to just go away.

I find a bench close to our apartment, I can see it from here but I'm not ready to go back and face Kate. I can't walk in and have her berate me for my action when I'm an adult and I get to decide.

"Why the long face?" Jose saunters over. "You have about a block to go until you make it home."

"I don't want to go home. I just want to feel alive for once," I sigh.

"And drinking didn't do it for you?"

"Nope."

"What if I could tell you that I have something to help with it?"

"I'm not fucking you, Jose."

He hands me a ziplock with six pills in it, I take it and look up at him.

"Oxi, trust me you'll feel alive. You can just take the pill, crush it and snort it, smoke it, or dissolve it and shoot it. Don't take more than one at a time though."

"You're sure?"

"One hundred percent."


	2. Chapter 2

"She won't take any of that from you," That honey voice growls.

"Christian?"

I turn round to look at him, his hair and eyes mostly. Jose and him are having some sort of pissing contest and I can't be bothered. More importantly is how either of them found me when I did not want to be found.

"Anastasia, put the bag down and come over here," Christian orders.

"Fuck off man, you don't know her and I'm just doing what's right by her," Jose says.

"Anastasia," Christian glowers.

I look at Jose, the guy I've known since we were kids before the shit hit the fan. He does know me, knows my history, my story. He knows how I react to things to situations. Then there's Christian who knows nothing about me, who might be stalking me, and who may have my best interest over Jose. Christian is actually trying to look out for me, to care for me without knowing anything about why I am so fucked up and numb.

"She's hesitating, that should tell you a lot," Jose smiles.

I get up off the bench and walk over to stand behind Christian, something's just off about Jose. Before I am fully hidden behind Christian's stature he stops me and holds his hand out, I hand him the bag even though I really wish I could just keep it. It wouldn't be the first time I used a pill or powder to take away the world for a few hours.

"Walk away before I call the cops."

"You just made a huge mistake, Ana," Jose glares at me. "He's not your knight in shining whatever."

I shrink behind Christian, not able to look Jose in the eyes anymore. His footsteps eventually fade out as he stomps off. My breathing is loud, it's all I can hear. Maybe its not my breathing, could be my heart that is pounding ferociously in my chest.

Christian pulls me through the park to a car that is parked on the other side from where I was. He sets me in the passenger seat of the Audi SUV and buckles my belt before walking round to his side. He's on the phone when he gets in.

"Kate, I really think I should get her to the hotel instead of your place. That oaf seemed like a friend of yours… I will call the school myself, it helps when you're one of the largest benefactors… No… No I won't do anything to hurt her… I think she needs a break to talk to someone… Yeah, after you classes tomorrow I will bring her back to your apartment. Get some sleep."

I slump down in my seat, I feel like I'm in the car ride on the way to my execution. How did Christian find me? Why? Why isn't he taking me home? What is his plan? How is Kate alright with this? Why am I not afraid of this? _Because you don't have to make decisions and you have no self-preservation_. Why me? Out of everyone in the world, why does he seem to have a focus on me? I'm nothing important.

"Where are we going?" I mumble.

"The Heathman, my hotel. I don't trust you on your own at home," He answers.

"You don't trust me? What the fuck, you don't fucking know me asshole. Take me home! This is kidnapping!"

"Anastasia, you need to grow up instead of trying to kill yourself."

"If I was trying to kill myself I would of ate a bullet years ago."

I turn away from him, not wanting to see what reaction will mar his face after that statement. I can't believe that I said that out loud, to him. Kate knows I've been down before but I haven't even told her that. Am I that down now? I'm not really down, just numb. Numb in a way that I may possibly be unpredictable but it is still different from being down. Right? I mean, thee is a valid argument there some how.

My throat is choking up as silent tears run down my face, I'm clinging to my arms in a failed attempt to self-soothe. It definitely works better when I have a blanket or sweater to kind of swaddle myself. I don't want him to see me like this, anyone to see me so weak and vulnerable. I don't want to be judged on how I react to this treatment, situation. I don't need to get close to another person who will only be in my life temporarily and then die or fade or vanish. I can't, there is no surviving that again.

He pulls up to the valet, hand the keys over before helping me out and leading me into the brightly lit lobby. The clock over the front desk reads 5:27, way earlier than I thought. No wonder Kate probably sent out a search party. Those weird military guys are entering the lobby shortly after us and join us in the elevator. Christian won't release me hand, half expecting me to fight and run but there is no point.

His room, suite, is huge. Two bedrooms and living room, dining room, kitchen and office; I'm personally drawn to the baby grand that they have in a hotel room which I've never seen before. Then again if I travel and need to stay in a hotel, I'm in the shady motel where the door barely closes and the bathroom looks like a horror films. Both bedrooms have kind beds, ensuite's, and TV's.

"Do you want something to eat?" Christian asks. "We can order breakfast."

"Sure, whatever you want," I shrug.

He talks to one of the suits before he comes back to me, leading me to the living room. I sit uncomfortably on the couch, my dress now too much. he takes note of my discomfort and gathers one of his sweaters that I change into, that I swim in.

We're on either end of the couch, I cling to the sweater trying to calm myself but as soon as I look in his eyes I am a sobbing, struggling to breathe. He pulls me onto his lap, I tense as he rocks me and rubs my back like you would a child. I'm not a child, far from it. I don't even know if my 'childhood' really was one.

 _Shhh, it's alright…_

 _Come now, breathe…_

 _I'm here, it's going to be okay…_

Christian hums reassurances in my ear, willing me to calm enough for us to communicate. What happens next though? What if asks about my past? Why I am the way I am? I could ask the same to him but I doubt it would fly.

Room service arrives, they set everything out on the table and leave us as if they were never even here. I thought you were supposed to tip the people but maybe not, or he does it at check out. I don't get this whole world of the rich and mighty, even though Kate has tried to explain since this is her world.

He carry's me to one of the chairs and sets me down, putting together a plate for me and waits to see if I start to eat. I try, I really try but I'm mostly just moving everything around my plate. I feel like if I try to stomach anything I'll choke from my random sobs or throw it up from the anxiety that rules over my body.

"If you really hate it here I will take you to your apartment, I just really want to make sure you're okay before I do," He frowns.

"Why care?" I ask.

"You remind me of someone I couldn't save, who went down the path you are but never came back," He looks at me. "I care, and I don't know why but as soon as I saw those eyes I just knew that I had to help you, that I couldn't let you go."

"I'm not worth your time, your money, your help. Can't you see that?"

"I see a beautiful young women who is lost. I see a lost girl who is trying to find her place in the world but is just stumbling about without support. I see a girl who doesn't complain or ask for anything but is silently screaming for someone to help her," He holds my chin so I can't look away. "I see a girl who deserves to be cared for so that she can grow and flourish. Someone who deserves to be loved, to be treated like a queen."

"I'm not any of those things, don't deserve any of that. Just take me home, forget about me and find a girl like Kate who will be who you need."

He leans away, releasing my chin from his grasp and looks at me. He really looks, in a way that I have never seen. He is analyzing me, looking into the depths of my soul that aren't locked away with the key tossed out.

"Why do you believe that? Your parents must of loved you, shown you the world and how you can change it."

I curl into a ball on my chair, bury my face in my knees as I cry. It's not like before, I'm silent and just trying to be as small as possible. Of course he would think that, assume that. I am so numb, yet I don't think I have ever been in this much pain before. It's like everything is hitting me at the same time. God, I want this to just all be over and to end.

I force myself to my feet and go to the ensuite he showed me which has all his toiletries in it. He's locked out as I stomp around, back and forth, trying to take attention away from the gaping whole in my chest.

"Anastasia, unlock the door," He orders. "Give me something to know you're okay."

I'm not okay, does he not realize that? I figured he was smarter than that. I can't, I just can't do this, be here, pretend for some rich ass who looks like a model who thinks he can fix me. He keeps knocking, calling for me, asking if I'm alright when the answer is really simple.

I run the water for the tub and look through his bag of toiletries, nothing of interest except for his razor. I've never done this before, blood doesn't bug me per say but my own blood has always made me nauseous. Blood is blood, but when everything goes red and you know it's coming from you is not comforting.

"Anastasia I swear if you don't unlock the door I am going to break it down!" He growls. "Taylor! Where the fuck is Sawyer with the key?"

The bath is near full, steam waving up off the rippling water as I turn the faucet off. Just sitting on the edge I can feel the burning heat that is radiating out from the tap. I want to leave a message for him, for Kate, but there is nothing in here to allow that.

I strip from his sweater, my strapless bra and panties before taking the razor with me to the bath. Stepping in my skin turns blush from the heat, all my nerves are alive and heated. He's almost banging on the door at the same beat as my heart. Constant, repetitive, painstakingly annoying, and unfortunately not going to change my mind in any way. I don't want to be me, this thing, anymore.

The door bursts open, Christian and two of his suits behind him. He tears the razor from my hand and shoos them out of the bathroom. I want him to leave too but I can't, he captures me with his eyes again.

"Ana, you need help," His voice oozes disappointment.

"Then let me go," I sneer.

"So you can go home and slice your wrists there? Do you not care about Kate? Your friends? Your family? Anything?"

"Not everyone has a cushy family and money, Christian."

"I know," He sighs. "I know, and I won't force you to talk about it. For now let me help wash you and then you can go to bed. We can talk once you've had some time to rest that very muddled head of yours. Is that okay?"

"That's okay."

"Good, now I hope you're okay with my shampoo for now. I'll send Taylor to get some things for you after you go to sleep and then you can smell like flowers instead of apples."

I smile and nod, my hands intertwined under the water. He lathers up a washcloth and runs it delicately over my body, massages my head as he washes my head, and dry's me as if I'm made of the most delicate china. I dress in a t-shirt of his and a pair of his boxers, both too big on me but at least cover me.

He helps me into bed, pulls the covers up to my neck and strokes my hair out of my face. He just sits with me, watching me.

"Can you lay with me, just for a bit until I fall asleep. I won't risk your life by making you sleep in the same bed as me. According to Kate I could mortally wound someone with how much I thrash about from nightmares," I run off in one breath.

"Of course."

He goes around to the other side and stays on top of the covers, but he still holds onto me. I can feel his warmth. I know he's here. I can feel the weight of my eyelids winning over my anxiety of being here and not truly trusting him or the suits. He hums, some sort of lullaby that pushes me over the edge into the sweet oblivion.


	3. Chapter 3

_"_ _Anastasia, we're sorry to inform you that this afternoon we found your mother's body in a hotel room. It seems that she has committed suicide and since your father is incapable of being able to care for you legally we have to take you to a group home," The bald cop states._

 _"_ _Honey, your dad will go to a home and the home we found that will take you in on such short notice is in Seattle so we have to head out now," The Social Worker, Fern, adds._

 _It's not unusual to come home to no one, but that bitch chickened out of life, left me and dad on our own and is just gone. She's dead, Dad's as good as, and I have to forfeit everything I have that is who I am because they never have been. I'm sixteen, I should get to choose. I want a say. The three of them just stand in the foyer like idiots waiting for me to say something._

 _"_ _I don't want to, I can take care of myself here. It's my house," I argue._

 _"_ _You're too young, and I know this is a lot to process but you have to understand that this is only in your best interest," Fern argues._

 _"_ _If this was in my best interest you'd all leave."_

 _"_ _Miss Steele," The Cop huffs._

 _"_ _I lost my parents half a lifetime time ago, just leave me alone."_

I wake up screaming my throat raw, Christian's arms are on my shoulders shaking me. I stare at him. I'm still here in his suite, he's here, last night/this morning was all real. My parents are still gone, and I'm still living the unimaginable.

"Ana? Are you alright? It was just a nightmare, you're okay," He coos.

"Ana?" Kate's hovering in the doorway.

"I'm fine," I pant.

They both relax, I sit up and Kate comes to sit by me. The blonde guy, Christian's brother, from last night now hovers in the doorway. Kate seems so comfortable with Christian and his brother, so at ease with everything.

"Thanks for looking after her," Kate looks at Christian. "I know we haven't talked in ages but it means a lot that you could do this."

"It's fine, I want to," Christian answers.

They do know each other from some time pre-Ana. How has she never mentioned him as a friend or visited him. They all are looking at me like I am about to vanish from their sight. My small sports duffel is at the foot of the bed, finally I can get in my own clothes that fit.

"I filled Katherine in on what happened this morning, when agrees that you need something but we need to know what that something is because we both have counteractive ideas on it," Christian admits.

"How do you guys know each other?" I ask.

"We grew up as neighbours, Ethan and Elliot are like best friends. I hung out with their sister and Christian and I have never really gotten along but I know he is trustworthy and can help with anything," Kate answers.

"Right," I roll my eyes. "So what are my options?"

"Kate seems to think that you would benefit from a program… like rehab," Christian says. "I think I can help you from working one on one. I know I can help you, if you let me do this my way."

"Can I have a shower?" Not liking either of their options.

"Only if you keep the door open," Kate states.

I stomp in to the bathroom, taking my bag with me. I close the door most of the way, leaving it about an inch open so if they get worried then can come in, guns a blazing. Christian's clothes from this morning are laid out on the counter, the jacket where he put the pills that Jose had given me. I search the pockets, finding the baggie and quickly swallowing one of the tablets dry. The heated shower alights my skin and activates me senses. I don't spend much time in the shower before I dress in black lace panties, bra, black jeans, white t-shirt, and grey jumper. I doubt they'll let me out so I forgo the socks and shoes.

They're all waiting in the lounge, Kate takes my face in her hands and looks me in the eyes before freaking out at me.

"I packed your bag after emptying it, how the hell are you high right now?" She shouts.

"Fuck!" Christian groans, running off the the bedroom and coming back with he baggie. "I forgot that I left this in the bathroom. That fucker gave these to her before I tracked her down last night."

"Fucker?" Elliot asks.

"Jose, some hispanic fucker who is probably a gang punk."

"None of you get it, at least this way I don't feel numb," I smile.

"Yeah, but when it wears off you're more depressed then before," Kate adds.

"Well I'm not going to rehab Kate, so come up with a different option."

"There is always my option," Christian waves his hand.

"I don't even know you," I frown.

"I do, and I know he won't hurt you. I just think that his way could flop," Kate glares at Christian. "What do you want? What do you think you need?"

I look over at Kate and curl up in a ball on the couch with my head on her lap, floating in my opiate induced high. It feels like nothing could go wrong right now, like this.

"I almost turned into my mom last night, Kate," I admit.

"I know, Honey."

"I never want to be _her_."

"I know."

"I can't do rehab. Won't survive it."

"Then what do you need?"

"A break. A break from school. A break from here. A break. Maybe I'll go to Mexico."

"Mexico?" Elliot asks.

"Yeah, the water is supposed to be incredibly blue there. I could just hop on a plane and be there soon."

I've only ever seen pictures of Cancun from when friends have gone on family vacations in grade school. How sand bars reached out into the crystal blue waters with crops of hotels and resorts reaching out towards the sky. Palm trees and cabanas lining the white sand beach. How the water as it runs onto the sand is clear as glass, or the rolling of the white caps that crash upon the shores. I remember learning about the accident peoples and the temples that still stand tall, surviving time and nature to be there for us to learn about and visit today. I remember how Sadie came back after she went in the sixth grade, sharing pictures of her and her brother swimming with dolphins and looking like it was the best thing on earth.

Dolphins, they're not human but they are just as complex and maybe smarter than humans. They stay with their pod, take care of their pod, and I remember reading that mass beachings may happen because of the bonds that they share and don't want to leave each other. Plus, while they generally stay in their groups they can survive for a time independently. There is a actual dolphin with a fake tail, like in that movie that made me cry. I could go and visit that instead or Mexico. I could just fine a place where I can swim with dolphins. Apparently when you swim with dolphins, no matter how fucked up your life may be, it grants you this moment of clarity where you can see straight and make a decision on what your future should be. I wonder if there are dolphins on the west coast instead of having to try and find some place on the east coast. How much would it cost? I bet I would have to choose between school and dolphins, but I want the dolphins. To hear their tweeting coos would be incredible, in person and not in some show or film.

"Ana?" Kate's trying not to laugh. "How was your trip to Saturn?"

"Good. There were dolphins."

We both look at Christian and Elliot and laugh, they look so confused at our saying. It's how we bug each other when the other zones out of a conversation, in class, or just randomly. Before Dad started to fade it's what he would say to me, before his first stroke when we were still living in Nice, France.

"Ana, we need to make realistic decisions right now to help you. I mean if you want we can call your parents or something," Christian looks sincere, but the reality hurts.

"You can't, they're not around and never have been," I growl.

"What do you mean?" Elliot leans in.

"Kate? Can you… I… I can't…" I stammer.

She smiles, nods and strokes the side of my face. It's sad when a friend two years older than you is more of a parent then anyone else, when really they should only have to be a friend. I guess someone needs to try and do right by me.

"When Ana was seven she was living with he parents in France, and her dad had his first stroke while working in the military. They moved to Boston for her dad's treatment, when she was eight they moved to Montesano. Her dad had another stroke, and between eight and fifteen her dad had four more and was very poorly. When she was sixteen her mom killed herself in a hotel, her dad was sent to a adult home for support, and Ana was forced to Seattle and into a foster home. It could have been all fine, but after the second stroke her mother was depressed and was never there, the foster parents she was stuck with were abusive, and Ana has come out on this end fucked up but stronger than anyone I have ever known," Kate rushes through.

It is so different hearing your life story from someone else's perspective. An even more cliff noted version: born in Portland, Maine; lived in France till I was seven: lived in hell/limbo the rest of my life. After Dad had his strokes Mom didn't even try to be there for me and dad just couldn't. But here were go, some more pity from rich fuckers who probably think that they can just spend money to fix all problems. Here, have a couple thousand dollars and buy some clothes, everything all better now? Of course not! Fuckers.

"You really raised yourself?" Christian asks.

"No, a magic fucking fairy did. Fuck off, Christian. Of course I did."

"I get it, not to the extent of you but I do. You never had someone teach you, discipline you, show you the way."

Kate holds me to her lap, I want to slap Christian all the way to Maine right now. See how he can act so calm about all my fucking issues after that. Fuck this intervention.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Sorry for the long break. I had to have surgery and this is the first day I have had internet. Thank you to everyone who is favouriting, following, reviewing, and messaging. It means a lot. Thank You SO Much.**

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We're so high up here, in this room of riches. I'm up with the birds as they soar below me. I can't remember a time in my life where I have lived in so much luxury. To be able to be twenty floors up, outside, watching the sun set somewhere towards the pacific. To feel as if I could just jump and fly away with the birds, they're heading south. Maybe it's a stupid sign that Mexico is the right choice for me.

Over time their 'calm and collected' talk has escalated into something 'loud and frazzled', it's funny but I don't need people to fight over me and some stupid thing I've done. Christian needs to cut his losses now, I know nothing about commitment. Things last no longer than three months, I give anything three months before bowing out before shit hits the fan. So far in life it has worked.

"Miss Steele, I brought you some dinner," One of the suits steps out onto the balcony.

"Thanks. You're ex-military, yeah?" I roll my eyes. "You have me at a disadvantage. You know who I am but I don't know your name."

"Jason Taylor, Miss. But just call me Taylor, I'm Mr. Grey's head of security." He introduces himself. "You're the daughter of a decorated Marine."

"Is this intuition or are you just reading some file on me?"

"Neither. You look just like your father, his eyes and his nose. I had the honour of serving with you father, before he met your mother."

I plop down into one of the patio chairs, comfier than some couches I've had, and curl into myself. I've never met anyone from one of my parent's histories. From what I know there was, is, no one of importance. No extended family. No god parents. They never mention friends, let alone acquaintances.

"He was a good man," Taylor adds.

"I don't remember much good about him. There's a couple photos before everything but I remember none of it," I admit.

"Don't give up yet. I have loads of stories of him if you ever want to hear them," He hands me a business card. "In case you need anything. I'll be in the suite next door if you get tired of their arguing. They have good intentions, but Miss Kavanaugh and Mr Grey are known for running each other in circles."

"Thanks Taylor," I nod.

He slips back in, the arguing inside doesn't even fault when he enters the room. I guess they're too invested in each other over me. Taylor seemed to sneak through a room full of loudmouths, my turn to get out of the luxury prison. I'm surprised Christian hasn't tossed money at me and expecting me to be all okay again. I have my All-Stars on, credit cards and ID in back pocket, don't have my phone but considering the money in the room I bet they'd track me if I had it.

Just as Taylor had I slip into the room. Elliot isn't anywhere to be seen, Christian and Kate aren't facing me and are too engrossed in their argument. _Okay Anastasia, now is really not the time to bump into anything, knock anything over, or generally fall on you face. This is an escape. Escape means no attention drawn to me, it means freedom._ I pad towards the door, trying to move fast but silent. For all I know there could be goons on the other side of the main door and the last thing I want is another lecture. All I want is pure, lightened, freedom.

Stairs, definitely taking the stairs down at least five floors so that they can't just call it back up to the floor we're on. It's the one thing that is stupid about stairwells in tall buildings, footsteps carry and it always sounds like you're on some great escape. _Which I am_.

Down, around, down, on and on, it's starting to make me a little dizzy before I numbly stumble into the door of the main floor. The lobby us lively, gorgeous, but not busy or too quiet for anyone to really notice me walk out into the street. I know a number of the bars around here, most of them are usually expensive but I think I will be timing this for Happy Hours, cheap shots and that means more alcohol in my system.

Open Bar, a bit of a cheesy name. It's chill, mostly university and young adults inside just having a good time. Darts, pool, general stuff, but more importantly it's not somewhere I have been before so no one will look for me.

"What will it be for you," The hot bartender flirts.

"Three shots of tequila and a gin and tonic, double," I smirk.

He starts prep, "Bad day?"

"You could say that," I climb up onto the stool. "Bad life is more accurate."

He sets the three shots and three lime wedges in front of me, I quickly down them all while our eyes are locked. He sets the gin down and I sip at this.

"Well, here's to making it better. I'm Griffin."

"Anastasia."

"Ah, the long lost Russian princess?"

"Yeah, here's the secret. I'm a time traveller," I giggle.

"I always knew there was something more," He jokes along.

"Are you new to Portland?"

"No, I go to the University in Vancouver, just hitting some new spots."

He goes to help others, I'm quick to find conversation with many of the other male patrons who come and go. Griffin always makes sure that I have a drink in hand if I run out. Tonights tab is going to be huge, but after the events and memories the past forty-eight hours have brought is enough to make me not care about the money.

Around nine the real party starts, a live band is playing and everyone is dancing along to the beat. It smells like sweat, beer and kind of like sex. I've found myself in a group of young businessmen who are out celebrating their young boss's birthday.

"Hey Ana?" One of them call out.

I walk back over to the table, some of them are heading out for a smoke break. Three stay at the table, handing around pills that look like the one I took earlier.

"Want to try?" A different one asks.

"Already have, and I love it," I smirk.

"Awesome."

I down a pill with the Stella Artois I am currently enjoying. I really need to find out where all these random people manage to get a hold of these fucking pills. I mean Jose was right, everything just seems so much better when you take just one. All the weight of the fucking world can be lifted high off you shoulders from one tiny tablet.

"Did you want to get out of here? Maybe head back to my place," One guy says.

"Um…" I stammer. "Uh, sure. Yeah."

He gets up and hands me my sweater, the group's offered to settle my tab which I should be offended by but I'm not. They're loosing a lot of money, I don't have to spend my money, and everything is right with the world because Kate nor Christian are here.

"Miss Steele, please come with me," Strange yet familiar man motions me away from my hook up. "It's for your best interest."

"My best interest?" I gape.

"Mr. Grey and Miss Kavanaugh will be here soon. ETA is three minutes."

Kate's coming here? How the fuck did she find me. How did that fucking money bag find me? Who the fuck is this prick? Everything was so good. Everything is still good. _Breathe Anastasia, feel the high… Let go and float._ I'm all okay, nothing can hurt me and nothing can touch me. I am fucking Zeus, the world can bow down to me while I rise and conquer all. No one can touch me. No one can hurt me. Money can not buy me.

I look back at monkey suit and other guy, they're in some kind of conversation but while I may be the topic of it I am not a part of this one either. I go back to the other guys at the table, most are still just hanging out and drinking.

"Where can I get more?" I ask.

"Here, Sweetie," One offers me a prescription bottle near full.

"Thanks dude, how much do I owe you?"

"Nothing, I get them free from my cousin. It'll help you out of whatever trouble your in. Give your head a break."

I straddle him in his seat, slip the bottle into my pocket and lock mouths with the guy. I don't care if he's married or has a girlfriend, this is one of the nicest things that someone has done for me in such a long time. This is better than whatever Kate or Christian want to do to/with me. This guy, who I am currently grinding, just gets it.

"Ana!" Kate yanks me off his lap and into a hug. "Holy fuck, I'm so happy you're okay. You just vanished. Do you know how many years you've taken off my life?"

"You were worried about me?" I clarify.

"Of course," She furrows her brow. "You may not see it, but you're family Ana. My family. I love my parents and brother just as much as I love you too. Got it?"

"Roger that," I giggle.

I feel funny, really weird. God, maybe drinking and taking those pills is not exactly a good idea. As tempting as it is to drink more death was not on the plan for tonight. I think I need to go home.

"Is she alright?" Christian asks Kate.

They look at me as if I've grown multiple heads or turned into a cyclops. We're all in the sky, floating and flying and invincible. I'm invincible, they should feel this magic too. I'm magic, I could disappear right from under their noses earlier. Me magic man… woman.

"I've never seen her like this," Kate tells him.

"Could something have triggered it?"

"Probably, maybe something in one of her other courses. Something someone said. Your guess is as good as mine."

"Right," He huffs. "Let's get her out of here."

Kate holds my hand and drags me out of the bar and into the waiting SUV where Taylor is waiting behind the wheel. He's watching from the rear-view mirror but still turns to give me the disapproving dad look… Ray's look. My dad. I want my dad.

Hot tears roll down my cheeks. I try to scoot fast across and out the other side but Christian gets in there, him and Kate blocking me into the middle. I'm choking back the sobs, no need to draw any more attention to myself. Christian and Kate share a look, they look at me, up at Taylor and the other suit who got in the passenger seat. I pull my knees to my chest, I just want to be as small as possible and disappear.

Christian and I are standing at the end of the bed, the tears have not stopped and nor has the pain. He had to carry me in because I refused to get out of the car, I just wanted to go home. My real home, not the stupid hotel or Kate's apartment. Kate is staying in the other room in the suite, Elliot is on one couch with Christian on the other, and some suit will always be watching the door to our room and the lobby. No way out. No going home. I feel like a criminal.

Christian has my pyjama's set on the bed by me, but I don't want to change. I don't want to do anything. They just need to leave me be, let me live. Live and let live.

"Arms up," Christian orders.

I raise my hands, he removes my top and bra. My dad's old military t-shirts are what I used to sleep in, they are old and worn and should be tossed but that will never happen. They're some of the only things I have of him. Christian pulls the weird tan coloured one over my head, it goes half down my thighs and to my elbows. Next he gets down on his knees and helps me out of my shoes, socks, and jeans. _This feels extremely intimate_. I step into my pyjama shorts that are navy blue and covered in white polka dots and he pulls them up my legs, his hands awake nerves while they travel up my legs.

"If you weren't crying I'd take you over my knee," He tells me once he standing again.

I look down at my hands, not knowing what to say or do. It feels like I can't do anything without his permission. He dresses me, feeds me, takes me from point A to point B. I'm twenty-one, not four. I don't understand this relationship.

He pulls down the covers and helps me in to bed, tucking me in like yesterday. He doesn't stay, nope. Tonight he kisses my forehead after pulling the covers over me and then leaves, switching the lights off on the way. The curtains are thick, not allowing light or noise through them. Outside the door they're all probably talking about me, the thick wood blocks their whispering. So silent. So dark. So alone.


	5. Chapter 5

The clock reads eight, but I haven't slept yet. Awake in the dark, only able to think, cry and breathe. It doesn't sound like anyone is awake or alive out in the main area, but they could be. The could just be sitting outside the door waiting to hear me wake, scream, so something stupid. I'm so tired now, my head hurts and body aches. I crawl off the bed to my discarded sweater and take out one of the pills, dry swallowing it before ripping off the comforter and collecting all the pillows from the bed. The closet in this room is perfect, so I build my nest and close the door behind me. Sleep can finally take me.

I cry myself awake, dreaming memories. Everything was fine before Dad has his first stroke, even the time after that one. When we were in France, when we were a family. I'm trying so hard to be silent but the sobs break through.

The closet door slowly opens, Kate lays on the floor by me and rubs my back. She'd be the only one who would know I'd be in here. The first few times I did it freaked her out but now she just calms me or checks on me at home when I move to the closet. It's small, compact, safe. It keeps me safe because no one can just sneak up on me, and it's small which helps with the self soothing thing I have to do.

Christian is around in no time, hovering in the background and making me both very uncomfortable yet feeling safe. I don't trust him enough, not to feel okay having him around all the time. Something in me has feelings for him, draws me to him, but the money aspect makes me want to run and vomit. I also hate his MIB, they're frustrating and everywhere. He has an unfair advantage on keeping tabs on people.

"Is she okay?" He asks.

Kate looks at me and smiles, then turns and leans back to look up at him. The sobs have finally stopped but the tears still come and I'm getting thirsty.

"She's good, just bad dreams," Kate answers.

"Good, we have clearance and have to be there in half an hour."

"Be where in half an hour?" I ask.

"We're going on a trip," A smile graces his lips. "You, Kate, Elliot and Me."

Kate nods her reassurance, if she trusts the ass who could probably buy Disney then I guess I have to tag along. I don't know what we're doing about school, or what is happening on that front. I don't think I want to go back to it. I don't think I'm feeling it anymore, not like I used to at least.

Christian leaves and Kate helps me up and out of the closet, there's a Macy's bag on the bed which has clothes for me to change into since Kate didn't pack for multiple days. I think she thought I would have been back home last night or something.

Grey leggings, salmon blouse, white spaghetti strap tank top, and white lace panties and bra. It doesn't seem warm enough for the fall weather but it's definitely comfortable for travel. I hope it's not a long drive. There's silver flats by the door that I slip on before joining everyone out in the main room. It's nearly three in the afternoon, yikes. My schedule is fucked up right now, damn. I am not going to enjoy sorting that out.

"If this is all a trick for me to go into rehab I will never see any of you again," I threaten before we get in the elevator. "There are no second chances with this."

"I swear on my mother's life," Christian holds his hand over his heart.

"I'll swear on Ethan's," Kate adds.

I look at Elliot but he shrugs, "I'm as in the dark as you are about this trip."

We pull up at the airport, but we don't go to the terminal we drive out into the private area and onto the tarmac. Suits are waiting on the ground by the plane as we get out and walk towards the steps. In dark blue 'Grey Enterprise Holdings' scrolls across the side.

"You own a fucking plane?" I groan.

"Come on Ana, forget the money for a while and enjoy the trip," Christian near pleads.

"Forget about the money while I go on a trip you're paying for, on a plane with your name on it, and I'm guessing with clothes you bought me. How the hell am I supposed to forget about the money?"

"Please?"

I stomp up onto the plane, the interior is gorgeous. I smile at the pilot's and stewardess who greet me before throwing myself into a seat and pouting. I buckle up and turn back into a brat, ignoring everyone and pout.

"Can I get you anything to eat or drink, Miss Steele?" The stewardess, Tia, asks.

"Tequila?" I ask hopeful.

Her smile wavers as she glances over at Christian, Kate and Elliot who are sitting at a table far from me.

"Um, Mr. Grey had us remove all alcohol from the plane before take off," She admits.

"Root beer?" I ask, she smiles and nods. "Oh, and do you have any vanilla ice cream or frozen yogurt? I would love to make myself a float."

"Of course. Anything else? Food?"

"I'm not hungry. Thank you though."

She walks back, past their table and though a door to her work station. We've only been in the air for about an hour and I have no clue where we're going or how long the flight will be. I'm guessing that the hotel we're staying in will have the alcohol removed from the rooms. The annoying bit is that I don't know if I should be blaming Kate or Christian. Seeing as Christian is the rich, controlling bastard I'm assuming it's him, but I wouldn't be shocked if it was Kate. She's really been there, gotten me, tried to care for me since we met.

Tia arrives with a large root beer float and a platter of fruit that I can just nibble on. I do really like nibble foods, I prefer to nibble than eat full meals. I thank her before she goes over to talk to Christian and Kate, they seem to be asking for things.

Kate's probably used to this, I know her dad has a private plane that is technically a company plane but they use it privately too. She comes from power and money just like Christian, they belong with each other. They're in the same class and social circles, they've grown up together. Most importantly neither of them are fucked up.

I think after this trip I'm going to pull out of school, store everything and the Montesano house except what I can't live without and move back into the France house. It's there, it's mine, and it's furnished. I could find a job and be away from her, from the pain. I haven't been back to that house since we left it but someone takes care of it, always has. It would be good for me, and it would get me away from everyone here who wants to micromanage me without talking to me.

Taylor walks up and sits in the seat by me, I shift a little to face away from him. I can't look at him anymore, not without seeing my Dad and knowing that my dad would probably disown me with how disappointed I'd have made him by now if he were alive.

"Miss Steele, we need to talk about your security on this trip," He says.

"Fuck off, please," I sneer. "I don't want you near me."

"We need to talk about this before we land, I don't care if you don't like me or Mr. Grey but he cares about you and so do I. Grow up, listen, so I don't have to put a tracker on you because you're stupid and reckless."

"Fuck you! Fuck all of you! This is fucking kidnapping! I didn't have a choice about coming here, nor do I know where we're going!" I shout. "I hate all of you! I don't want to be around you! I don't want to be here! I don't want any of this! You're not important to me! You're not my family!" My voice is loud but it's starting to crack, the tears are starting to flow. I shakily stand on my feet. I don't know what's towards the back of the plane but I bet there is a bathroom to hide in. "I just want my home. I want to feel safe. I want to know love. I… I… I want my Dad!"

I bolt to the back of the plane, everyone is just gaping at me. I don't think I have ever said that I hated someone before, I don't think I every truly have. I don't think I really do. I go for the last door at the very back and enter. When I turn to see the room after locking the door I see it's a bedroom. A bedroom on a plane! This would be the way to travel from continent to continent. A private bedroom with a queen bed, ensuite bathroom, large TV. I wish that all planes had this, that would be the life.

No one comes and bugs me for hours, not until they're announcing our decent and I need to go pick a seat with a seatbelt. Thankfully I remember passing a second area that looked more like the first class area of a commercial flight, eight large seats in four rows of two with a little table in-between each. I sit in the back row by the window, wherever we're landing it's night, east coast somewhere.

Tia comes back and checks that I'm ready for landing, then she goes back up to the front where everyone else is. I don't know what to do when we land, I know I need to figure it out sooner rather than later. I could run, as soon as they open the door I could bolt until I find police station or something. I could just suck it up till we go home, be a good girl and do everything I'm told. Obedience has never been my thing, then again I've never had someone to give me orders that I had to follow. I don't know if the obedience thing will be easy, but it would get me home in one piece without getting the police involved. They better not be expecting me to say anything to them, to talk at all. I am officially choosing mutism as my coping mechanism, it wouldn't be the first time and Kate's been around me when I've done it before.

We land and Tia comes to tell me that they're waiting for me before they exit the plane, I follow her up to where everyone sits. Kate's eyes are red and puffy, she's next to Elliot who seems to be comforting her. I really hope that I'm not the cause of her state but I probably am. _Of course it's your fault Anastasia, you fuck everyone up. You're the death of everyone important to you._ Christian stands first, then Elliot and Kate, I follow them out to where the MIB wait by a line of black Cadillac SUV's like we're the President. We get into the second one, Elliot and Kate in the back and I'm by Christian in the middle.

"Do you want to know where we are?" Christian asks. I look at my hands and nod. "We're in Orlando, tomorrow we will go to a mall and get clothes and then Sunday there's a surprise for you. Then if you want we can stay later, check out some of the other theme parks or we can go back to Portland. Is this okay?" I nod again. "Anastasia? Please look at me?"

I look up into his eyes, his right hand cups my face. His hands are so big, warm, calming when normally I feel agitated and rigid when someone touches me. His thumb brushes away an escaped tear that I hadn't noticed. He looks unsure of himself, they're all acting like they're walking on broken glass around me.

"We're staying at a vacation home, you'll have your own room and bathroom. There will be a cook and housekeeper there so you don't have to worry about cooking. There's a pool and hot tub in the backyard, it's a mini resort in a way. Cool?" Christian continues. "Ana, if you need anything you can ask me or anyone and we'll do our best to get it for you."

I force a smile, I think he can tell it's forced but I'm doing my best. _I can't ask them for anything, I won't get it and I don't deserve it._ We're driving through the dark streets for a long time, finally slowing down on a street lined with large and modern houses. All four of the SUV's park on the driveway, when we go in Christian offers to show us around but I just want to find my room.

"There are fourteen bedrooms in the house, security will be here on the main floor and the second floor, we're set up on the third floor, everyone has their own room," Christian says.

We follow Christian up the stairs to the third floor, there's an elevator but I'm happy we walked up after being on the plane for so long. Kate and Elliot's rooms are to the right of the stairs, there are three rooms down that hall and they choose the two largest. Straight from the stairs, passed a large and open games room, there is another hall. There are two doors along the wall, but I follow him left and to the door at the end of the hall.

The room, my room, is huge, the ensuite is as big as my room at Kate's apartment with a walk in shower and jacuzzi tub. There are french doors that lead out onto a large balcony, and I can see that two other rooms share it, one of them being the games room. The walls are a lilac purple, all the furniture white, the bedding is white, yellow and grey. It's beautiful, I don't think I ever want to leave. Maybe I can turn my room in the France house to resemble this.

Taylor walks in and sets my little duffle on the dresser, probably still holding everything that Kate had just brought the other day but I will at least have pyjamas. He's quick to duck out and away from me.

"Get some sleep," Christian orders. "It's one-thirty in the morning here and we're having breakfast at nine. The housekeeper is bringing you and Kate some clothes in the morning, just come down in your pyjamas. My room is the far doors on the balcony out there, you can get to it through the games room. Okay?"

I nod. I think he's frustrated with my silence, he keeps running his hands and tugging at his hair. It's comical, and I have to bit my lip to stop me from smiling or giggling at him. He kisses my forehead, orders me to bed again, then leaves.


	6. Chapter 6

I silently enter the kitchen and living room on the first floor. It's all open and the back wall is all windows that fold open to the lanai, pool and outdoor kitchen. Kate and Christian are sat outside at the table that could seat twenty people easy. The sun sparkles off the crystal pool water, one thing is for sure a bikini is a must.

I sit across from Kate and Christian, my back to the pool. No one can sneak up behind me or grab and through me in the pool. There is a gate that blocks the lanai from the pool deck, probably for where there are kids here. A lady comes out from the kitchen and sets a plate down in front of me, it's loaded up with too much food. Just looking at it makes me want to gag, I never eat this much at breakfast.

"If you don't like something I can make you something else, Miss Steele," She smiles.

I shake my head and she walks away. Kate is slowly eating, Christian has stopped to watch me, and Elliot is dragging himself out to the table. I want to laugh at him, he does not look like he got enough sleep last night. It's so nice out here, I should move to Florida if their fall is like this. I can wear summer clothes, dresses and shorts. Get a bikini for the pool here, get a tan.

"You need to eat Anastasia," Christian furrows his brow. I've eaten a quarter of it, then spent a lot of time just moving the rest around my plate. Bastard should just be happy with what I have eaten. "I'm serious Anastasia, we'll be out most of the day."

I pick up a little bunch of grapes and throw it at his face, I watch them bounce off and separate. I want to laugh so hard and all of their expressions, they're stunned for a moment before Kate and Elliot break and laugh their asses off. I get up and storm into the house, ignoring him calling me, I'll blame it on Kate and Elliot laughing so loud. I can hear quick moving steps on the stairs behind me but I refuse to turn and give him the satisfaction.

I yelp as I'm suddenly in the air and then upside-down over Christian's shoulder. He carries me up to the third floor and into his room before setting me back on my feet. He sits down on bed, holding me in front of him. His eyes are darker now. he moves me to the side then pulls me over his legs so my ass in the air, my chest and head on the bed. I wiggle a bit so I can look at him.

"You need an attitude adjustment Miss Steele, I have warned you that I would take you across my knee," He smirks. He may of said it but I thought he was joking. "I'm going to spank you twelve times and then you will shower and get dressed."

He's joking right? This is just a joke, he's not actually going to spank me like an errant child. He shifts me again, trapping my legs between his. I take a deep breath, waiting for him to crack up laughing and announcing that this is all just some prick ass joke.

WHACK! Okay, not a joke… Definitely not a joke. Holy shit, my right cheek is on fire. What the fuck is wrong with this wacko. WHACK! And now he has to equal the pain in the cheeks, fuck. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK WHACK! This should not be turning me on, really should not to be tuning me on. The panting is not me being horny, not at all, it's the… the… the shock! It has to be the shock. Fuck this is kind of hot, and I think money bags is getting turned on too seeing as his erection's not hidden. My panties are wet, ruined, and I honestly wouldn't mind if he stripped me and took me after the last two. God, no, imagine the last two on my bare ass. I really should not be thinking about any kind of sexual relationship between Christian and myself. I don't need to cause more death, and he deserves someone like Kate. I'd say Kate but she seems smitten with Elliot. WHACK! WHACK!

Christian helps me to my feet, try to shift and hide his erection, then leads me back to my room. I'm so wet it's uncomfortable, I bet he can smell it which is embarrassing. He leads me into my ensuite and turns on the shower before leaving me alone. He just up and left, after and awkward but intimate moment. I don't know why I feel so abandoned right now. I didn't want that. I didn't, don't, want to be around him. My whole body is rigid and trembling while I strip for my shower, I exam my ass in the mirror and its red but I doubt it will bruise.

The water is warm, not hot enough. Every couple minutes I turn the water up until it is boiling and the bathroom is filled with steam. The water stings, igniting every nerve on my body. The steam is suffocating. I don't understand anything that is happening, not in my head and far from trying to understand Christian's. It's like he is trying to be Petruchio and I'm Katherine, well good luck money bags. I'm not fucking tameable. I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of the shower, water rushing over me. The cool water helps with the breathing, confuses my nerves with the hot water, and makes me feel alive. I'm alive, here on earth and at one point I had everything figured out.

I don't know why I am fighting, struggling, so hard. Oh wait, yes I do, I have something to prove. Something to prove to myself or someone else, but I don't have anything to lose. I don't have money, family, love, hope. Christian and Kate, whatever they're trying to prove or do… well they have a lot to lose. They've always had so much. They've had families that love and take care of them. Financial stability, support. They've had lives without pain. I'm surrendering myself to them, fighting against what I want. _What you want is not what you deserve. If you deserved it you'd have it already._ I'll find a way to leave a legacy before I give up on everything. Leave it for Kate and her future family with all her little blonde, model offspring.

I struggle to my feet, not caring about my aching muscles, and turn the water off. I need to suck up all the bad thoughts till we're home and this is all behind us. I take one of the huge, white, fluffy bath towels and dry off. Out in my room there is another shopping bag set nicely on the fresh made bed. It's weird that someone was in here while I was naked in the shower. I shrug that off and look through the bag. Nude lace panties and strapless bra, white linen and lace sundress that goes just above my knees, and gold gladiator sandals; once I'm dressed I french braid into a long rope down my back. I dig through my duffle, dumping all dirty clothes into the laundry hamper, until I find the pill bottle and even more importantly my locket. I take a pill with the bottle of water on the dresser and delicately link the clasp of the chain.

The somewhat large locket, my most important heirloom, sits just above my cleavage. It's starting to tarnish so I note to clean it when we go home. It was my great, great grandmother's locket on my dad's side, but since his mom didn't have a daughter he got it before she died in case he did. I got it on my fifth birthday while we were in Sorento for vacation. Inside is a picture of me and mom on one side and me and dad on the other, but I doubt they're good quality now as I haven't opened the locket in nearly a decade.

I hide the pill bottle again before leaving the room and going back downstairs. One the way down I am wondering how the mysterious clothes buyer always gets the perfect clothes that fit well. I mean sure they could have looked at mine, but mass produced and designer clothes fit different and I can tell that this is designer. It feels nicer then anything I have owned in years.

No one in the main area when I get to the bottom, everyone is probably getting ready still or arguing about where we're going to go. I look around the living room, ending at the baby grand piano in the corner. I open the lid and sit down on the bench. _Okay Ana, what do you remember that you can play well?_ Nocturnes, Op. 9: In B-Flat Minor, I've always loved Chopin. Listening to Chopin and Tchaikovsky made me want to be a musician. I haven't had access to a piano since I was sixteen and forced into the system, but I used to love it. Watching my fingers dance along the keys, feeling the music… it all makes me feel alive.

When I'm done I spin around on the bench and find everyone seated in the room staring at me, mouths open and blinking like idiots. Kate didn't even know I could play, and I can tell she is shocked.

"Do you know any Debussy?" Christian asks, I nod. "Petite Suite?"

I nod again. He moves and sits on my left side on the bench, he quietly counts to three for us to start. I haven't played four hand songs since I was ten, when my mother was still interested and would play too. He's on of the most amazing pianists that I have played with, he's graceful. It's natural to him. My piano teacher used to say that some people could work hard at piano and get to be incredible (like my mother), and then there were those who were born with the gift and were naturally brilliant (like she said I was, like Christian is).

"Woah," I exhale when we finish.

"You're incredible at this Anastasia," Christian complements me.

"You're natural," I look down at my hands. "When did you start to learn?"

"I was six. You?"

"Eight."

"Lets play more later?"

"I don't remember a lot. Nocturnes is my favourite and my mother used to play the Petite Suite with me all the time," I mumble.

"We'll pick up sheet music. It will be fun."

I nod, "Okay."

"Good, lets get going."

I follow everyone out and get in the car. I want to know where we're going, but I don't know if I should ask. I don't think I have the right to ask. My head is so confusing right now. I decide to just watch the city pass us, much more alive when the sun is up compared to when we landed. It's a decent drive but we finally park in _The Mall of Millenia_. Kate is the first one out of the car, Elliot isn't far behind. Kate loves to shop, this could be a long day.

It's busy, really busy, my heart is racing but the oxy that is pumping through my veins is helping. I need to focus on my breathing, Christian is trying to be nice and I need not have a panic attack now.

"Are you okay?" Taylor asks, holding the door open but blocking people from seeing me. "Do you need anything Miss Steele?"  
I shake my head quick, gazing over his shoulder. I glance at Christian who looks very worried about my sanity.

"I'm scared," I whisper. "The people. It's fine when I drink or get high cause I'm numb to it, but when I'm not."

"Ana, have you ever hear of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?" Taylor asks.

"I don't have PTSD!" I snap.

"I got a hold of your records, and you may not want it but I think you do. There's been a lot of moments in your life that have fuelled it and you've ignored it. I can get you a anti-anxiety that will help with the hyperawareness, but you have to stop taking the other pills."

"You know!" I gasp, spinning to look at Christian.

"I don't. I didn't want to see your background check, I trust you to talk to me when you want to or feel safe," Christian holds his hands up in surrender. "Now lets go, I'm here and an army of security that won't let anything happen."

I nod and get out. Okay, now number one on my list is sunglasses. Sunglasses would be life savers in a city where they actually get real sun, it blinds and warms you in seconds. Kate and Elliot are waiting for us with a lot of other security.

Today will be good. No incidents that will make me look like a freak, no need to get plastered, no need to be a disappointment again. I can do this. Christian and Kate can't know that something's wrong. I won't ruin today for any of them.

"Good thing we don't have Mia here, right C?" Elliot laughs when we look at the directory. "We'd never leave."

"You do know who Mia would go shopping with right? Who her best friend is?" Kate smirks. "I can out shop that girl easily, don't test me."

I laugh, Kate would threaten someone with dragging them around a mall. The 'mall' is also the nicest one I have ever stepped foot in, and if Kate had her way she would move in here. All these shops are right up her ally, and Christian's, and Elliot's, and all of Christian's security who look like they're wearing designer. Where do we even start?


	7. Chapter 7

We're not far in we get to Tommy Bahama, a store I recognize from Seattle. Kate and I go in to look at the different swimwear. I find one style that I love, the bikini bottoms are the ones that have the ties at the side, and the top is a strapless bandeau. While Kate is loading up on multiple styles as if we'll be here for forever, I just like this one and Christian notices. I look over the nine different colours that it comes in, loving seven of them, but I just pick the white one before going to the till so I can pay.

"Oh, no you don't," Christian snatches my credit card while I try to pass it to the kin lady behind the counter. "I'm paying today. What else do you want here?"

"Nothing," I lie.

"Okay," He shrugs, turning to look at Kate. "You know what to do Kavanaugh. We'll work our way up to another store."

Know what to do? What is he having Kate do? Oh my God, they're plotting to end me through shopping. Kate know's I hate having people buy me things, this isn't fair when mall people gang up on non-mall people.

Christian holds my hand as we wander down the right wing from where we entered, I don't care until he drags me into the Apple store. Apple! I don't need him spending money on me in here if he is adamant on purchasing my clothes. On top of it just being Apple, the place is crowded and even Taylor looks frustrated about him wanting to go in there.

"Ana, if you want to go back to the house we can," Christian offers, we're nearing the end of this wing, Macy's, after Taylor said not to Apple. "Whatever you want. This trip is for you, not me or Kate or Elliot."

"Why?"

"Because we all deserve a break, especially when life tries to break you. I don't care at this point if you just want to go to Wal-Mart to get clothes. I want you happy."

"Macy's, let me just get some things at Macy's and then can we go to the house? Maybe stop at a music store on the way back? Maybe we can talk?" I stammer.

"Sure, as long as you let me pay," He smiles, I nod so that we can wrap this all up.

Christian lets me walk through the racks of clothes on my own, to a point. He stays close behind and if he can tell that I liked something but didn't pick it he grabs it and hands it over to Taylor or another suit.

"You know, me not taking them off the racks means I don't need it," I roll my eyes.

"But you want it," He shrugs.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have more money than sense?"

"Yeah, I believe I have heard that a few times."

"Good, cause it's true!" I giggle. "L'argent ne fait pas le tour de son tour du monde."

"L'argent est plus facile à comprendre que les gens." It's weird hearing answers in French. Most people learn Spanish in America."You like French?"

"I feel comfortable in French. It was my first language, I mean I always seem to go back to what I'm comfortable with. I find things that I am comfortable with and they're my safety net. I control my speech, what language or if I do. I control my food, what I drink. I control when I work out. It all needs to go my way Mr. Grey because if it doesn't I turn into the person I have been the past two weeks," I turn and look up at him, he has a collection of clothes in his hand that I didn't even notice. "I never had someone to teach me, who was there. I have money, loads of inheritance, but money can't fix anything or help you learn or move forward."

"Is that why you're upset with they money that I throw around?"

"I don't have access to my inheritance until I either graduate college or turn thirty. I get an allowance every month and access to property right now," I sigh. "Money is nothing when you have nothing, no one. It can't save lives either." I grab another blouse mindlessly from a rack, not even liking it. "Can we just go now?"

I stand awkwardly by Christian while he pays for everything and they bag it all up, the store clerks and other onlookers are looking at me weird. I don't know why, but I feel so dirty right now. This feels wrong, standing by and watching him spend an outrageous amount of money on me. All these people are probably thinking it, he's either my sugar daddy or I'm just a whore like in Pretty Woman.

Spare security men carry all the bags back while I walk with Christian, he's texting someone and without Taylor's help he would have run into someone or something. When we get back to the car two stay for Elliot and Kate while we take the other two.

"How long are we here for?" I ask.

"How long do you want to be here?" Christian asks. "You don't have to decide tonight. Wait till tomorrow night. Okay?"

"Yes Sir," I groan.

He mutters something to himself, something about if I only knew what I did to him or something. I don't know, his sharp intake of breath seems to blocked it out a bit. I smirk, satisfied that I have done something to stun him silent.

By the time we're back at the rental, after a stop at the music store, I am tired. These few days have really knocked the life out of me. I could use a nap, and I don't nap. I want to read but I don't have a book, I'd do school work but none of that is here either, so with the swimsuits that Kate and Christian loaded me up with I decide on swimming and sun tanning.

Taylor is sat under the lanai while he watches me swim laps in the large pool. Christian is apparently doing some type of work in some office that they have set up here. I'm swimming a race, a battle, against my mind. I don't want to succumb to the negativity that is already constantly pressing into me. These people, people who don't know me too well, are going out of their way to do something special for me. That's a good thing, good things can happen. _Good things happen to good people, to people who deserve it_. I'm not swimming fast enough, I need to focus. Focus Ana, focus!

I crawl out of the pool and to a lounge chair, Christian is laid back on one in deep red swim shorts and I can't help but stare. Hey, the guy has his eyes closed and he is the one who brought me here. Though I could never tired of that view, I lay back and close my eyes to try and relax my muscles.

"Ready to talk?" Christian asks.

"I don't know how to… or what to say."

"Okay, how about I ask a question and I answer, then you ask a question and I answer."

"That could work."

He gets up and set up and walks over to Taylor before coming back. The housekeeper comes back with a plate of snacks and a jug of iced tea for us to have. New thought process, don't puke this up if I eat and he asks a question that makes everything hurt.

"Why don't you like me?" Well he's diving right into it.

"I don't hate you, I just don't understand you or trust you. You know Kate, I guess, but I know nothing about you and I can't handle getting hurt," I answer. "Why are you set on helping me when you don't know me?"

"My birth mother had no one, she got herself in bad situations and then had me. Alcohol, drugs, naivety, and hopelessness kept her trapped. I was four when she died, I was a kid but I was smart and I couldn't save her."

"I'm not your mother Christian, and you were just a little boy. You must have been terrified, there was no responsibility assumed to you for saving her."

"Your right, and for the longest time I actually hated her."

"Why?"  
"Because she let her pimp, someone she shouldn't have trusted, beat me and burn me so she could get he fix. I'm over it now, and I grew up in an amazing and loving family. It took years to get where I am now, but I know that there is an other side even if it seems impossible."

He pours two large glasses of iced tea, hands me one and gives me a moment to wrap up what he's just said. I look him up and down, the olympian looking freak. It can't be natural to look that good. On his chest there are a multitude of little scars, heat caused not from something sharp. Is that what happened?

"How long were you in the foster system?" I ask.

"Not long, eight months I think. Grace was the doctor in the ER when the police brought me in, she fell in love with me and I trusted her. I was in a home while the legal stuff pushed through. I don't remember much. You were in for two years?"

"Twenty-one months, and it was hell. I was in a private foster home, where the assholes get paid to take kids in. Nothing sexual happened in there, but the foster parents were abusive physically, emotionally and mentally. The first adults who were mentally there enough to care for me and they loved to torment me. I was used to hospitals by the time I got there, but that was as a visitor. My whole life before then I was in the hospital for my reasons five times, but those months I averaged five a month," I can feel myself zoning out. "There were four other kids in that home with me, two of them were just as bad as the parents even though there were only a year older. They just survived that way. They made fun of my weight, my hair, my looks. The eating thing since then, I just can't be forced into eating. I'd rather starve, honestly I find the feeling of hunger more comforting and I know that's fucked," I hate talking about this shit. "When I turned eighteen I was on my own, roaming and living on the streets of Seattle. I would resource shelters at night but in the day I would walk around everywhere. It's how I met Kate. She was home from her backpacking expedition and volunteering at a shelter when we got to talking one day. She brought me home like a lost puppy, and we helped each other get into college, the ten months before college started she learned a lot about me and she just helps me through it all. I've been a bitch lately but I don't want to lose anyone else or get hurt. Here you are with your brother and in less than twelve hours of knowing you my normalcy is ripped away, I'm not used to people helping me or staying around. It's too much sometimes."

"I don't plan on leaving you," He says.

"What do you want from me?"

"What I want, I'm not sure if it is something you need," He holds my chin so I have to look him in the eye. "As soon as I saw your eyes I was in it for the long haul. I have strong feelings for you, ones you may not understand yet but it means I am here and whatever fit you throw I will find a way to deal with it."

"What do you want?" I growl.

"Let's talk inside, and if you don't want what I offer that's okay. Tomorrow will still happen and if you want to stay here longer we can, we can go to Disney or Universal and act like kids for a week. Just hear me out and voice your opinion after. Got it?"

"Got it."


	8. Chapter 8

We're in the living room, sitting in awkward silence as quickly types on his laptop, according to him he is finishing whatever he wants from me. Why it needs to be written out like a contract or deal beats me, someone just likes to take his work home with him. I want to go play the piano more, but my curiosity as to what he is plotting keeps me seated on the large sectional. No one is home, the security that is have made themselves scarce and I think the housekeeper has gone on a grocery run.

"Okay, I want you to read over this fully. Then you can voice your opinion in whatever way you want, even if it means throwing the laptop. It wouldn't be the first one to break and Taylor will just assume it was me," Christian holds out the laptop that is worth three months of rent. "Just read it first and don't make assumptions."

I nod and bring it into my lap, the word file is titled "Anastasia S. Deal Draft I". Draft? So if it is a draft it is not official, can be changed and negotiated. Everything in this thing is labeled as if it was an actual business deal. The wording is different, extremely formal, but the main institution of this thing is the premise of last semesters psychology paper that I had done on BDSM. Instead of using terms like Dom and sub he has transcribed it to kinder terms, other than simple things everything from the contracts I had studied is here. This whole thing is extremely ordered, descriptive, and basically he wants to control every aspect of my life for six months and then he will start to lighten up and relinquish some back to me. No where in here mentions sex or sexual acts, but I am guessing that he wants it in here or he at least expects it. Rules, so many rules and I have never had rules. They range through everything: school, food, sleep, clothes, money, friends, medication, health, exercise, travel, therapy. No matter what the topic it is everything goes through him, and everything is punishable by him and how he sees fit. My guess is that if I didn't have to return to school I'd be moving in with him, in Seattle. He wants complete surrender and obedience.

I peer over the screen, he's staring at me but not really giving anything away that makes him readable. Nothing about him gives me anything to go on, at least you can read Kate like an open book. Does she know that this is what he wanted from me? Does she know he's into the kinky, control shit? I think he's waiting for me to react, we're both really good at hiding our reaction at keeping everything locked in little boxes and stored.

"It says that you want me to be monogamous, who says I'd sleep with you? Be in a relationship with you?" I smirk.

"Where does it say anything about a relationship? Sexual or otherwise?" He answers. "It has nothing to do with that, the sleeping around and moving from person to person is a type of addiction that also needs to break. It's to help you."

"Right. Help me," I roll my eyes, ignoring the section on respect. "Is that why you're offering me a BDSM void of the whole sexual interaction bit?" His mouth falls open. "I wrote my term paper on the lifestyle last semester, and though you changed words and phrases it doesn't deter an english major."

"Now what?" He rests his chin on his hands, leaning towards me. "What do you want now Anastasia? Do you want this? Do you want to change anything in this? Tell me."

Do I want this? No, that's not the question that needs to be answered in this. I need to think if I could handle someone like Christian controlling everything about me. I need to consider if I choose not to eat would I be willing to accept a stupid punishment because of it. I have never had something like this. Never had a bed time. Never had someone worry about if I went to classes or had a sudden drop in GPA. Never have I had to answer to anyone or think about ramifications since we moved to the great USA.

On a completely other not, how fucking dare him consider that I sleep around and move around through relationships! I have never even been in a relationship or considered doing so, not after seeing so many fail. The only time I have every been tempted to leave a bar with a man was interceded by Christian and Kate! Kate knows this, she knows I have been through hell and that I can't do it. I can't, the idea of it has always made me sick. Too many body issues, foster parent issues, parent issues. Every time I don't go home from the bar it is usually just because I don't want to, I wander through the streets all night till I decide to or I stay at an emergency shelter. Then again what am I to expect, he basically called me a whore when saying I'm like his mother. My chest hurts, it's like something is being ripped apart. I'm angry.

"I can see those cogs turning," He teases. "What are you thinking?"

What am I thinking? I'm thinking he's like my foster brothers, my foster dad, all calling me a whore whose only job in life to be there for men. To be used, fucked, that I will not amount to anything but that. Is that what Kate thinks of me also? Is this what everyone thinks of me? I have done everything in my power to try and not turn into that person and now the man who says he wants to help me thinks I am that. This deal, this contract, it doesn't scare me like he is thinking it does, nothing in here is scary or too much. No, what's terrifying is that after everything I told him he sees me as such still. He's not better.

"Ana? Baby, don't cry," He coos. "What wrong?"

Baby? Where did that come from? Why use terms of endearment when he sees me as a whore? I don't understand him. I don't understand people. I want to understand. I want to grow. I want so much, almost as he does, but this whole idea is based on trust and reliability. Assumptions cannot be made and people can't be taken for granted. What's scary is the idea that maybe this whole contract is a way of just making me his whore, built how he wants me to be. Is Kate okay with this? Would she hate me?

I'm biting my lip hard enough that blood is seeping though, that gross warm, metallic taste fills my mouth but I have no desire to relinquish it. I at least feel something, everything else, everywhere else feels so numb.

"Is everything alright here Mr. Grey?" I hear Taylor ask.

"Not sure yet, Taylor. I'll call you if you're needed," Christian dismisses him.

Does Taylor know this is what Christian wants from me? Who am I kidding, of course he does. He works as his head of security, I bet Taylor knows Christian better than Christian knows himself. That's a sad thought, but I bet Christian already knows me better than myself.

The laptop is gently removed from my grasp and set over on the coffee table, far from both of us. I watch his arms wrap around me and drag me into his lap. He rocks me gently as if I were on a boat, minutes pass before he stands still holding me. We go to the piano, he keeps me in his lap while he lays his fingers on the keys.

Fantasy (Fantaisie) in F Minor, Op. 49. Chopin. A gorgeous, deep, melodic piece that is quite long. You can feel the story, the journey of the music. The timing, the notes, it's all part of a beautiful narrative that ebbs and flows. A piece that is not too difficult but full. The lulls, breaths, allow contemplation and tension. It grows and grows, the complexity developing with the story. Many layers, many hopes, downfalls, tension, light. Everything here is thought out and adds to the story. You have to be light with your hands, letting them glide and dance along the white and black keys. Just like with all Chopin pieces, you feel, breathe and release. I have no idea how Christian is accomplishing this while I am in his arms like a child. Maybe because he is Master of everything. It's a twelve minute piece, twelve minutes of narrative. When I was little I thought that anything in a minor key meant that the piece was sad sounding, but here you still have the moments of hope and joy.

When he finishes we still remain at the piano, him holding me, not saying anything. Breathing and trying to read each other's thoughts. Somehow it feels as though he is edging me to play, like it's my turn. I choose the hardest piece I remember off hand, awkwardly sitting up and prepping to play while on someones lap. Impromptu in C-Sharp Major, Op.66, "Fantaisie-Impromptu", Chopin. When I finish I lean back into his chest and release a long breath of tension, relaxing my body.

"I'm not a whore," I whisper. "I don't sleep with multitudes of men. I never have, I can't. Christian, you can't be like them. I'll do it, I'll do you deal. But I… You can't… I um," I'm breaking down into tears. "Please don't be like them."

"Like who?" The concern oozes from his voice. "What did I say to upset you Anastasia?"

He lifts me up again, moving back to the couch. He's hugging me, holding on, rocking me. An image that I used to think of as cliche and stupid, it's oddly comforting right now.

"They used to say that I'd only be good for one thing, that I wasn't smart enough or good enough for anything else. I haven't Christian… I can't… I'm… I'm not… I'm still…"

"You're a virgin?" He asks, I nod. "Then what were you doing leaving with that man a couple nights ago?"

"It would have been the first time, and I was drunk and high and not coping with anything. I wasn't actually thinking. When I think about it, actually going through with it I freak out because it's the first step into being just like they said, and you think it too."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. When we found you the other night, Kate says you do that a lot. I didn't know she just meant the drinking. I apologize for the assumption I made. It wasn't intended. I never intend to hurt you." He kisses the top of my head. "I will never pressure you into anything, if you just want to have a strictly platonic friendship with the contract we can. If you just want a friendship with no contract I'll still care and be here. If you want something more we can try but I won't push."

I snuggle into him, burrow my face into his chest. He's warm, smells incredibly good, and is all muscle.

"You're the first person who made everything come alive. Who I ever reacted to or wanted to do… _it_ … with," I mumble into his chest. "I want you and it scares me more than anything. I don't want to lose you."


	9. Chapter 9

He just froze, statue still. I was really hoping he didn't hear me but I could hold it in anymore. We have been on this odd, honest and open communication thing today. While it is refreshing it's risky and clearly just ruined everything we had.

I struggle out of his grip and run up to my room, making sure to lock the door behind me. I can't bare look at his reaction or hear what horrible things he has to say to me after admitting that. Stupid, stupid, stupid Ana! It doesn't sound like he's chasing after me at leas, that's good. I change out of the bikini and cover. Grey jean short-shorts, another lace underwear set, and black AC/DC t-shirt, forgoing shoes I sneak out onto the patio.

There's a spiral staircase by the games room door that leads up to the roof. I stumble up to the roof, finding it furnished with outdoor furniture. A large circular bed thing draws my attention. My adrenaline is spiked, heart rate still high, but I'm trying to take deep breaths and not worry about anything else. God, I definitely know how to ruin a good relationship.

 _Shouldn't have given in to the warmth and hope, Anastasia. It never works out for you. You should have known that nothing as good as him would ever think of a mousey thing like you like that. Stupidity and foolishness, good for nothing ideas will only get you here every time._

I hope they won't hate me for joining them in whatever they had planned. I bet Christian has already told Kate and Elliot what I said and all of them are having a good old laugh about it right now, 'Ha Ha, Ana's a big ass joke who knows nothing'.

The silent tears transform into silent, body heaving sobs. I'm shaking, crying, struggling to get a decent amount of air into my lungs. I know better. Hate, anger and distaste are all easy to control and manage and ensure no one gets to close and I don't get too close. I let him break down my walls and open up an easy target for him. I've learned this lesson before, clearly it needed to happen again since the pain the first time wasn't enough.

He was so kind, kind eyes and gentle smile just suck you in and knock you down. We get each other. Not once have I felt unsafe in his arms or under his touch. Not once have I felt malice or threatened. I need to sort my mind out again, today has squashed everything in it. He's all money, buys anything he wants, works, he's mister billionaire. I need to look at him like that again, forget the kindness and hope and see that he just manipulates with money. Build the walls Ana, protect yourself. There is no one around who has your six so you need to have it yourself, you let that guard down and cause this new firestorm.

I'm so tired. So pained from this. I didn't know better. How could I? I had no one who taught me before and I am so tired of these circles that I run myself in.

"Come on Honey, let's go inside. Everyone is going mad looking for you," Kate coos, rubbing my back. "Christian and Taylor thought you left the property and have been driving around looking for you."

My eyes flutter open, the sun is setting and it's starting to cool off. I feel so disoriented as to where I am, tuning into the fact that I moved from the circle bed thing to under it with a pillow when I heard people yelling and banging in the house. She's dressed comfortably, Nike work out clothes with sunglasses, lying on the ground by me.

"What time is it?" I croak. _Did I inhale a cactus in my sleep?_

"Almost seven, it's been three hours. I told them that you're a brilliant hider if you wanted to be, not the best of runners."

I smile at her light joke, she has her phone out and is typing away on it. My face feels tight and crusty from the dried tears. I don't remember crawling under here, I just remember being scared and startled. I remember yelling, panic. I don't like yelling, it always makes me feel like someone is going to hurt me. It's primal instinct to me to hide, and hide well, when I feel scared, threatened, or generally unsafe.

"I'm sorry. I messed everything up," I whisper.

"It's okay, but how about we get out from under here and lay on the really comfortable mattress," He smiles and holds her hand out. "Christian is so worried about you, he was near tears when he called Elliot. I'm surprised he didn't call the Police."

She helps me out and up onto one of the couches out here. I pull my knees up to my chest, rocking slightly. Kate hands me a light blanket so I quickly cocoon myself. I'm an Ana burrito, and I giggle at my train to thought. Kate pulls a chair over to sit close to me but not too close. She's seen me act like this before, on too many occasions.

"What happened?" Kate asks.

"I destroyed the almost friendship I had with Christian. I've ruined ours. I've ruined everything. I shouldn't be allowed to talk," I lay out, void of any emotion.

"I think you've been reading situations wrong," She moves to get in my eye line. "If you really destroyed something with myself or Christian then we wouldn't be here. Christian would not have reacted how he has. The way Christian reacted is that of someone who loves you, same here. I was scared because I thought I lost you. Ana, it's okay to let people in. It's okay to be scared because you've let people in. Just wait and see what happens before you jump to conclusions and close off again."

"I didn't mean to hide, I was lying on the circle thing, but then there was yelling and banging and rage," I murmur.

"I know, and I will talk to Christian and everyone about that. Okay?"

I nod meekly, shrinking back into the cushions. Christian was reacting if he loved me? But when I admitted those weird feelings he just froze and he distanced himself from me. I am not the one who shut down first, I got scared. I am scared.

"Ana!" Christian's thunderous voice cracks through the silence. "Anastasia?"

I burrow my head into my knees and pull the blanket over my head. When I was little I thought that doing this with any blanket would turn me invisible like in Harry Potter. Like everything was an invisibility cloak and would protect me. I leave a slit in the blanket to peek through. I watch Kate stand up and block Christian from grabbing or touching me, he mouth moves but she's too quiet to hear over my heartbeat. He's nodding, agreeing to whatever she is telling him. Elliot and Taylor come up behind them onto the deck. I look stupid, stupid and pathetic. Christian steps around Kate and crouches down in front of me, not touching me or the couch just down enough so he can see through the slit to me.

"I'm sorry," He says. Huh? What does he to be sorry about? "Can you pull the blanket back so I can see those beautiful eyes of yours?" I shake my head, not knowing if he can see me do it. "Okay. Well, can I tell you a secret?" I nod. His voice turns to a whisper. "I don't want to lose you either, that's big for me because you and I are the same, Blue. You and I don't let people in cause we know that nothing is for sure. I also don't let people touch my chest or back normally cause of my history, but I trust you and know you won't hurt me. If my brother tried I'd get scared and push him away. I'm falling in love with you, it was instantaneous with you."

"You shut down," I bleat.

"I did, but I was in shock from what you said and that you were touching one of my no touch areas, moving and talking into my chest and I wasn't scared," His voice is so quiet, melodic. "You make me feel not scared anymore, and I want to do the same for you."

"Can you hold me?"

He nods, and without removing me from my burrito he holds me in his lap. Kate and Elliot are sitting on the circle bed, Taylor is by the stairs down. I make him not scared? He makes me not scared, I don't know how but he does. I've let him do a lot I never let anyone do before, I have told him things I don't talk about. Is this what falling in love is like? Isn't falling in love supposed to take a long time? You can't fall in love immediately without knowing someone, it's only something that happens in fairytales. This is real life, no fairy tale where prince charming and some maid sing a song in the forest and then they're in love. I really need to figure out how the love thing works, Kate would know. She has good parents, she says she loves me like a sister too even if it confuses me. They were all looking for me, all worried.

"I'll sign the contract," I announce quietly.

"You don't want to negotiate? Change anything?"

He moves the blanket so he can see my face, I blink up at him. The sun is behind him so he's silhouetted. I don't want to change anything and mess it up. I would just mess it all up again if I attempted a negotiation. He already has everything in it, down to when we're to part ways.

"No thank you. You have it planned out."

"Well, how about I add something?"

"Add what?"

"One, you look really cute like this, Blue," He smiles bright.

"Blue?"

"One of my new nicknames for you, your eyes are blue and are what drew me in." He shrugs. "But my suggestion is that we try at a relationship, and if it doesn't work we still don't leave each other. That we'll always be friends and be there. Okay?"

I nod, "Okay, I like that. Now what are my other new nicknames?"

"You'll just have to wait and see." He looks over at everyone else. "How about we go down for dinner?"

"Yay, food!" Elliot shouts and punches the air.

I shrink into the blanket and Christian's arms. I watch Kate slap his stomach and scold him quietly. I have no clue what she is telling him but I think we're okay for now. Christian helps me to my feet as we travel all the way down to the ground floor, the living room is strewn with bags from the mall. _Dear God, how much did they let Kate get?_

"It's not all mine!" Kate holds her hands up. "Some is for you too, and Elliot, Christian, and I got some things for Mia and my family."

"Me?" I glare at her.

"Yeah, imagine a wardrobe that is not bought from Wal-Mart and thrift shops."

"Thrift shopping is fun, you've admitted to it," I laugh.

"I like the vintage places."

"What's for dinner?" I ask.

"Grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, and grilled zucchini and bell peppers," Christian answers. "Do you guys want to eat inside or outside?"

"It's still kind of warm, so outside since we can't back home anymore?" Elliot suggests.

"Go sit, I'll bring you everything," Christian tells me. I guess we're starting this now.


	10. Chapter 10

They're keeping all the alcohol under lock and key, but tonight at dinner everyone is getting one glass of a white wine that tastes amazing. Christian says that white wines pair nicely with chicken. I've never really paired wine with things, whatever came cheap and in a box is how I've always worked. I never really understood the difference in wines, but this is good and probably expensive. On another plus side the plate that Christian brought me tonight was nothing like at breakfast, it's child sized portions which I am really happy with because I can actually clear my plate that way. Him and Kate both seem happy that I eat everything tonight, I'm not just picking or nibbling at bits. I'm making them happy right now, doing good.

"Do you think you want to go back Monday?" Kate asks.

"I don't want to, but I guess we have to. I mean, it's not normal for you to miss days of lessons. I wish… it's not important. I have to go back," I answer.

"What do you wish?" Elliot asks.

"It's nothing, so when is the flight Monday?" I look up at Christian.

"I'll tell you if you tell me what you wish," He smirks.

"I wish we could stay longer and see Disney World, spend more time in the sun," I look at my hands. "It's not needed though. You guys need to go back to work, Kate and I need to go back to school, there are priorities over stupid wishes."

"But Christian and I own and run our companies, we can take time off whenever we want. And vacation can be a priority and it is sometimes needed," Elliot states.

"Kate, you're on my side about going back to school. Right?"

"I think we won't hurt from missing a week. Regroup, you don't really seem like you want to be there anymore and you have never taken any time off of school or work. I'm actually on Elliot's side," She smiles up at him.

I want to stay here, I need to go back because if I stay away longer I will never want to go back to school. I was already at risk of dropping out before and if I stay away I know I never will. I don't have the push or discipline anymore, she's right because I don't want to be there. It's not my thing, I would do better getting my degree through distance but it's not possible. The housekeeper comes offering dessert, I'm the only one to decline her offer. I excuse myself and go up to my room to shower and get ready for bed. I don't want to get into a discussion or argument about this. Tomorrow we are doing whatever we came here for, and then when we go back to Portland and the boys go to Seattle I am somehow following the contract. We go back to school. They go back to work, all wrapped up and how things are supposed to be.

 _Bennett is shaking with rage, and I have no idea what I have done this time but he is mad at me. I have done something to piss him off and it's not even seven in the morning. I was being quiet, I swear I doing my best at not making any noise. I just wanted breakfast, I'm hungry. So, so hungry._

 _"_ _What the fuck are you doing in here?" He snarls._

 _"_ _I was hungry," I look down at the stained linoleum. "I was trying to be quiet, I'm sorry."_

 _"_ _What does the clock say?"_

 _"_ _Six forty-three."_

 _"_ _What time is breakfast?"_

 _"_ _Eight."_

 _"_ _Right," He's pissed. I want to beg and cry with how sorry I am, but it's useless. "You're just a stupid, fat, useless fucking cunt. Do you get that? You're nothing, good as trash. Go to your fucking room and don't you dare come out until I let you out. Do you get that? I don't want to see your fat whore ass body until I fucking decide you deserve that room."_

 _I try to step past him, go to my room, but his foot comes out knocking me down. My head makes a loud crack while bouncing off the corner of the counter, my arm snapping as I land awkwardly._

 _"_ _Fuck!" He shouts. "You clumsy idiot. Look what you've done now! Go get fucking dressed and we'll go to the hospital. And remember that it's you're fucking fault. You came down for breakfast and tripped over a school bag in the dark. Say it."_

 _"_ _I tripped in the dark," I mumble, near tears._

 _Every thing hurts, burns, aches but he doesn't really care. He grabs tight hold of my neck and pulls/drags me up to my room. I change into the stained clothes I have and meet him outside by the car. He looks me up and down._

 _"_ _No one will love you, give a fucking shit about you. Your fat and ugly body is only going to be good for a fuck, you'll be a good whore one day. Only useful at that. Get in, and don't say a fucking word that will get us in trouble or life will be hell till you die."_

 _Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. Just make the pain stop. Make it all stop. I don't want to die. Don't kill me. I won't be bad. I don't want to be that._

"Anastasia," Christian is shaking me awake. Kate and Elliot are in the door. "You've been screaming for twenty minutes. It's okay. You're here. I'm here. Okay?"

I struggle out of the blankets that I've tangled myself in and straddle Christian, wrapping my arms around his chest and my legs around his hips. I hold tight and don't let go. I'm shaking, it all felt so real, I could feel the hits and the pain and could smell the filth. Christian holds me, rubs my back and takes deep breaths that I start to mirror.

I lean back and look over at Kate and Elliot, standing there awkwardly and honestly looking like they were in the middle of sex. The idea makes me giggle, and soon it seems they see what I'm laughing at and laugh too. I look at the clock and it's nearing three in the morning. Everyone is so disheveled and probably tired, I don't think I could sleep now though.

"Do you want to go back to bed?" Christian asks.

"I don't think I'm tired anymore, I'll just watch some TV. You go back and sleep. It's okay," I try and smile.

"How bout I lay with you for a bit, we can both try to get some sleep. Yeah?"

"Sure? But, um, I've never shared my bed with anyone."

"Neither have I."

He holds me, my back to his front, and drifts off. His heart, breathing, and muscles all slowly relax and release him into a beautiful sleep. I awkwardly shuffle and turn around to look at him. City light is leaking into the room, illuminating his face just right. I brush the few stray strands of hair out of his face, granting me a clear view.

Without touching him I trace his face, his features, his chest. He kind of pouts when he sleeps and it's rather adorable, that child like exuberance. He's so at peace, innocent when he sleeps, handsome. I wiggle in closer, up his body, and carefully brush my lips over his. We haven't even kissed yet, when he kisses me its my head, cheek, hand, something that is caring but nothing more. His lips, I've always wanted to feel them against mine and this way I don't feel rejected. I lean back a bit again and trace his lips and now, the side of his face gently with my finger. Touching him now, but he's not reacting. I look down at his chest, tracing the lines and contours of his muscles.

"What are you doing, Anastasia?" His voice is heavy with sleep.

"N…n…no… nothing," I stutter.

His eyes flutter open, immediately locking with mine. A smile, possibly a smirk, tugs at the sides of his mouth. I have definitely been caught with my hand in the cookie jar, or whatever that is. The heat of my blush rushes all over my body, nerves firing off left, right and center. His hand ghosts up my body, settling on cupping my face.

"What were you doing?" He's much more assertive now, but his smile is counteractive. "I thought I told you to sleep."

"I don't want to sleep," Ignore the first question, safety in avoidance.

"I see, well I think I know exactly what you were doing," He barely blinks.

"You do?" I gulp.

"I do. I can show you what I think you were doing."

"What?"

"What?" He teases me.

I close my eyes, trying to think if I noticed a change in breathing or something. Oh my God, did he fucking trick me? I know breathing, sneaking out, all that. He can't have pulled one over on…

What the fuck. I open my eyes to find Christian right there, his lips pressing, moulding, against mine. His other arm wraps around my waist and pulls me flush against him, travels down further to my ass where he squeezes and I gasp. He takes every opportunity that I blindly offer up, probing the inside of my mouth with his tongue. Nothing has ever made me feel so alive. What is wrong with me?

* * *

 **AN: Hey everyone. Thank you again, so much, for all the support and kind words. Any guesses, suggestions, reviews are warmly welcomed through review or private message.**

 **Few quick questions for all you lovely readers who are sticking through this process:**

 **1\. Do you want to have chapter or few from Christian, Kate, or Taylor's POV's? Or anyone else?**

 **2\. Wavering on the line on whether or not Elena should make some kind of grand (** **maniacal) entrance into their lives?**

 **3\. If anyone has suggestions, ideas on where to take this, let me know. I have a general premise for this but am always open to seeing if I can work more into what I have. While some of you lovely's have offered up so much that I am grateful for, I would love if more of you would too.**

 **4\. Lately I have been uploading when I wish ranging from 1-3 chapters a day. Would you prefer a more organized schedule?**

 **I hope everyone is having a great Thursday. Remember that there is always someone who loves you XOX -Mouse**


	11. Chapter 11

He gently pushes me onto my back, hovers over me as his lips move from mine to my ear and down my throat. By body, now not connected to my brain, bows out towards him and my hands weave and grip into his hair. My hips lift, gyrate, begging for some sort of friction and release, he chuckles at me, holds my hips down.

"Please, please." I beg, not sounding like myself. "Fuck, Christian, just take me. Do something."

"We're not going that far tonight, Ana. You need sleep and yet we can't sleep in. There is a strict schedule," He smirks.

It's as if he ignores what he says because he doesn't finish speaking before ridding me of all my clothes. His mouth travels, nips, down to my breast. Desire is burning, building, and settling down in my lower stomach, tugging at my core. I've never done this, felt like this. I've never masturbated or anything of that matter, this is all so fucking incredible.

His tongue makes circuits around my nipples, the neglected one toyed with my his finger. He's master of this, in full control, knowing how to manipulate all my senses. Oh! My body jerks, wiggles, as he latches on to my left nipple. Clouds are starting to settle in my mind, the constant tugging and building of pleasure takes away all thoughts, cares and concerns. Kate could walk in right now and I wouldn't notice, wouldn't care. He just needs to make it all break, because it's not.

My stomach has become the unbreakable rubber band, pulling and pulling. It's trying to break, to snap and be free. No, it's like the rubber band and watermelon game. So much pressure, and it's end goal is to explode but you never know when it will just… break in two and splatter everywhere. I think that's a horrible analogy, but dear god, if I am to be ripped in two this seems ideal.

His presence has temporarily disappeared, I can't feel his skin, his heat. I want to open my eyes, sit up and look for him, pull him back to me. His hands wrap around my ankles, force my knees up and opens me so he has a very clear and intimate view of my most private area. I open my eyes and he is just staring at me, starting down there. I mean I've gotten waxed down there monthly for a couple years with Kate but this is a whole other level of shivering intimacy.

He leans down, face inches above my nether region, and looks at me. He looks like a predator, concurring his prey. His fingers dance up my body, play with my nipples as his tongue latches onto my clit, one hand travelling back down to finger me. One last nip at my clit and twist of my nipple and goodbye sanity.

White, white and starts and air; if I didn't know any better I would think I was high on too much drugs. I'm panting, gulping down air, trying to find my once useful body but I don't know if it is functional right now.

"How was that?" He smiles, tugging a shirt over my head. I hum in response, unable to formulate words. "Goodnight Anastasia, sweet dreams."

 _Goodnight, Christian_. I close my eyes and don't try and fight the exhaustion that has suddenly overcome my body and mind. I've never felt so sated in life before, so at peace with the world.

Sleep, sleep is glorious and should never be interrupted, but the same man who gave me the single most incredible experience of my life last night was not happy when I just crawled further under the covers when he announced it was time to get up. But I like sleep when I can get it, sun was coming in my room. I wasn't moving. Bastard didn't like that idea.

"Stop squirming, this is what you get for trying to sleep long," Christian grunts.

He's holding me under the stream of the shower, after flinging me out of the warmth of the bed into his arms. The only bright side to this is that he's dressed in a decent outfit. I huff, roll my eyes, and stomp my foot since there all in the don't section of respect and let him wash my hair. He laughs, and yet he can role his eyes and I can't.

"I do have a list of punishments that do not require privacy," He nibbles my ear. "Even more that do." He kisses my pulse point. "Do you think you deserve such?"

"You tricked me into sleep last night," I blurt, I didn't even know I was thinking that.

"I did, you needed it. And as far as I remember you thoroughly enjoyed yourself."

"I feel that you took advantage," Look at my feet. "Did you use me?"

"No, I wanted that with you, Blue. I want more moments like that, but if you think too much you will never sleep right, and you slept through and still. I have your best interest at heart. Okay?"

I grind my ass into his growing erection, "Is this your best interest here?"

"Funny girl," He chuckles. "Dry off, I've already set out what you need to wear on the vanity. I need to go get changed, and then we need to leave. No more distractions Miss Steele."

Everyone is loaded in the car, I've snuck into the back seat to sit with Kate and to snoop in the bags put in the back. No good, all the bags have been put in the other cars.

"Do you know where we're going?" I ask Kate.

"Of course, I helped Christian plan it. Just give it a shot, you're going to love it. It's going to be the best day ever," She smiles.

"And you're not going to tell me either?" I pout.

"Let it be a surprise, it will be the best one you've ever had."

"I don't like surprises. You know that. How am I to know that you guys are being honest in not taking me to a rehab center or whatever."

"You'll just have to trust us," She takes hold of my hand. "So, it seems you and Christian are getting cozy. You're getting along with him. Trusting him?"

I look up at the seats in front of us, they're leaning up towards the front seats to talk to Taylor and his right hand man. I doubt, or sincerely hope that they can't hear our conversation.

"I think I am falling for him and that scares the shit out of me."

"I get it, and if he hurts you just tell me. I'll turn his balls into earrings."

"You don't like him," I assume.

I mean they seem friendly but then at the same time it is as though they would rip each others heads off the instant they could. Kate and Christian are like Greenland, while Kate and Elliot are like Barbados or Ecuador. Ice vs. Fire. It's hard to understand how she can trust two people so much and have completely different relations from one to the other. I guess it must be what happens when you grow up together, share special occasions for years, and know the others parents as if they were your own.

"I do. Christian and I have a fantastic love/hate relationship. I know I can call him and he will help me and he can do the same with me. I know that he has a big heart, lots of self-doubt, and works like hell for what he has. I know he will do anything to protect family and friends," She sighs and rolls her eyes. "It's just how he does things sometimes. It was almost impossible to have a relationship with anyone in high school. Ethan was enough, but then he got his head in it too. Never let me or his sister Mia have a normal dating relationship. We grew up together. I was born months before Christian was adopted."

"But you and Elliot are different, even though you grew up together."

"Elliot and I have always been closer, much to Ethan's disliking. Ethan assumes since Christian sees me as a little sister that Elliot should too, but it's never been that way. Elliot is seven years older than me, like you and Christian, but nothing started between us till I was eighteen. Since then when we're together we're on, and if we're apart we're off."

Oh, well that is confusing. Does that mean that Christian will be that way? When we're in the same city he'll care for me and 'love' me, but when he is in Seattle and I am in Portland or wherever I choose to be. That means that after this weekend everything is over? I can't do that, I can't live with that. _Why does my chest feel like it's collapsing in on itself? Oh shit, I can't breathe. I can't breathe._ Was this always his plan? I mean he's the little brother, he learns from his big brother.

"Hey Blue," Christian coos, his hand is holding my chin to look at him. "Blue, look at me. Breathe with me. It's going to be okay, this is just a minor panic attack. In… out… in… out. Just look at me. Everything is going to be okay."

I shake my head violently, it is not going to be okay. He lied. When we go home it's all over and done with and tosses aside and he isn't even phased by the thought. He made me believe that it was different. That he was always there, or at least gonna be.

Kate and Christian awkwardly switch seats in a moving vehicle while Taylor shouts some not nice words at the pair. Christian unbuckles me and yanks me into his arms, rocking me and soothing me like a baby.

"What did you do?" Christian snaps at Kate. _Don't snap at her, it's your fault for lying._

"We were just talking, and you can't blame me. Small things and overthinking can freak her out. Last month when Ethan was talking about something going on with Mr. Lincoln she freaked out," Kate bites back.

"Ana, come on Blue, talk to me baby," He hums. "What were you talking about, Katherine?"

"Yours and mines relationship and then the one I have with Elliot— Oh…" Realization rams into her like a freight train. "Ana, Elliot and I are not normal. Christian and him are as alike as oil and water, and our relationship is more on me than Elliot. Okay? Christian will never do the same to you. I swear on my parents lives and of Mr. Jefferson at home."

Mr. Jefferson, Kate's prized beta-fish that she got in the ninth grade and has yet to die after all these year. She must have hired someone to feed it. If she is swearing on that fish's life then she means business, she never swears on that. She'd rather swear on and risk her brother, which is funny. I nod at her, understanding what she means.

"Mr. Jefferson is alive?" Christian laughs. "I thought Elliot killed it the last time he fish sat it."

"Almost killed it," Elliot asserts proudly. "I just made it fat."

"You're the one who made us put the fish on a diet?" I look questionably at Elliot.

"Of course he is," Kate nudges him.

I look out the window, I hate driving in cars. It feels like we have been driving forever and I actually must say that I am hungry. We didn't even eat breakfast before we left, I thought we would have grabbed something by now. The thought of just a bagel and cream cheese makes my stomach roar out.

"Was that your stomach?" Elliot gapes at me, I smile and nod. "Wow, little one, for a tiny thing your stomach sounds like a monster."

"Two minute warning," Taylor calls out.

I need to talk to Taylor, I need to know more. He clearly knew my Dad longer then I did, he go the chance to know everything and I barely remember anything unless it's in my sleep. I only remember the pain, the fear and the sickness that overtook him. I remember how after his second stroke he could not control his anger, his moments of rage that would just overtake him for no reason. I remember sitting in his hospital room, or the times where I would have to use my whole body just to get him and hold him on his side when he'd have seizures. Taylor has good memories, ones I could learn about and learn from, and I need to know even though that thought makes me want to puke.

The care parks in front of a nice building. I'm not exactly looking for a sign, I just hope that stopping here means breakfast.

"Anastasia, welcome to Discovery Cove," Christian smiles, helping me out of the car.

"Discovery Cove?" I ask.

"Told you she wouldn't know what the name entitled," Elliot teases.

"I didn't want to give her the chance at Googling it," Christian pouts. "Anyway, we bought out the whole place for the entire day. Breakfast, Lunch, swimming, reefs…" His smile keeps growing, I think it will break his face. "And as much dolphin swimming as you want. It's just us and security so they don't have to accommodate anyone else, Blue."

"We're swimming with dolphins!" I shout, jumping up and down like a child. I grab onto Kate and Christian to drag them to the door. "Why can't you guys move faster!"

Everyone is laughing but I don't care. Best day ever, no, there are no words to describe how incredibly amazing and exciting this is for me. I think I'm vibrating…

* * *

 **AN: Hey Lovely's. So, I am going to try for a schedule that I am not going to set in stone till I see if I can accomplish it. I am going to try for twice daily uploads on my time (America's West Coast PST) one before noon and and one after six at night. if that doesn't work I will go for once a day.**

 **I have gotten wonderful reviews from you all, about writing the story I want to tell. And I am grateful for this, however I right now I am at an crossroads. I have two different paths that have plans and are possible. One of them does include Elena's entrance, and that is why I asked for everyone's ideas on her, and just like me most detest her. So, let me know what you want because after the next chapter is where I need to decide which road to take.**

 **I did have a Guest reviewer (I wish I could address you personally) whose idea is near spot on for later plans and I hope that** **you along with everyone else will enjoy the ride.**

 **The next chapter may be long, and I will warn now that it will get emotional but be enlightening.**

 **Be aware, Grey days are coming, and by this I mean that i think it's time for Grace, Carrick and Mia to lighten Ana's life a bit more too.**

 **Have a wonderful day. Keep reviewing, and I hope you all the best.**

 **-Mouse**


	12. Chapter 12

I just want to get to the dolphins, but they offered breakfast and it smells like heaven. Way to tear wants and needs into a clear line. I mean it is very difficult to argue that you're not hungry when your stomach is growling like a dragon. No one believes you when your body is making its point louder than you. Elliot and Kate had a riot when I tried to argue and my own stomach would interrupt me.

Here we are, sat in Laguna Grill, far from the windows so I can't see the dolphins, with security and staff. Everyone has plates of food, various drinks, and talking animatedly with each other. Christian and Elliot get along great, I get that they're different but if they were oil and water doesn't that mean that they wouldn't. I excuse myself from out table and go over to Taylor who is sitting with Sawyer, I actually learned his name and chose to remember it now.

They stop eating and look at me, then over at Christian who looks confused. I look at Taylor, pleading him with my eyes that I need to talk to him alone without Christian and Sawyer hearing what we are talking about. I need this. If today is to be the best day ever I need to let some of the fear and anger go, only to make room for different fear and anger but it's a step I think. Taylor is quick, dismissing Sawyer to tell Christian not disrupt us.

"What would my dad think of me?" I whisper.

"You think I'd now?" He looks kind of confused.

"You knew my dad longer, at least when he was not sick. After he had his first stroke he lost his ability to really talk, to do anything. After his second he lost control of emotions, his body, he'd have seizures. I just… my mom would tell me about the incredible things he did but I wasn't there and he couldn't tell me. I just remember how he'd either be mellow or erupting in a rage. Tell me about him, what he would think of me, something good."

He nods towards my plate and I eat a bit, as does he. Maybe he is thinking about something to tell. Tell me how my father would hate who I am today, how he would be disappointed and how he would have disowned me years ago. How my dad would have done anything to claim I wasn't his. It wouldn't be the first time, he used to spew hateful things all the time. My best friend's mother used to tell me that he didn't actually mean any of it, that he couldn't control what he said or how he acted and while it hurts we had to act like it didn't because for all we knew he was trying to say something else.

When we eat half our plates Taylor leans back, ready to talk I hope. I nervously look up at him and hope that this isn't going to end horribly. This can't be a bad idea, it needs to be a good one. It needs to help like I think it will.

"When I met your dad he was my lieutenant, we were just on a base on homeland over California. He complained about the sun, which I found entertaining. It's California, glorious weather, beaches, views of the Pacific from the barracks. I grew up in Wyoming, good weather but the ocean. We didn't talk for a couple months, the first time we did was when we had time off at the same time and both wound up at the same bar. He told me how he grew up around Seattle, that he liked the rain how it made everything smell fresh. I'd never been, but it was on my list of places to go. Back then we were just army men, but both of us wanted to do something better so at the same time we transferred to the Navy and worked our way up to be SEAL's."

"I thought my dad was a Marine," I interrupt.

"No, we were SEAL's. Took a lot of work, painful training where it felt as if you wanted to rip your limbs off after. Not once did he want to give up. Your dad grew up with a single mom who worked three jobs, he took care of his younger brother and when he could work he did it to the best of his ability. He was stubborn, just like you. He would work as hard has possible at everything even if it would break him. We had just finished training, about to head out to our first assignment when his mother and brother were killed in a drunk driving accident. I doubt he told you about it, nor your mother. That night he had left messages for them, telling him about graduating the program and how he would make it to his brothers graduation before we flew out.

"What could have ruined him helped him. He was more focused and never wanted to look back at that day. He wanted to protect everyone. He tried to make it so that no one had to feel that pain and hurt that he did. We worked on a variety of tasks, operations and stations. On days off he would work at orphanages, refuges, or anywhere he could give back where we were stationed. You dad was strong, but if you fucked with him or something that he cared for he would make sure you'd regret it.

"I don't think you could ever call us friends, more of acquaintances. He never wanted to get close to someone he served with in case something happened."

"I'm guessing something happened?"

"Our worst hostage negotiation out at sea, it was the first time innocents were injured or killed and it destroyed him. You see, us military guys are supposed to hold everything close to us and not let the fear, pain or emotions show. He lost it, he was granted a four month leave. Hell we all were. It was a blood bath and after the debrief they realized that there was no other option."

I can't imagine doing anything military, and while Taylor isn't exactly giving much on what their operations were I can guess. None of this, the bravery or strength or determination reminds me of the man I knew to be my dad. I mean, after his strokes he really was only half a man or less. Someone always falling apart.

"Anastasia, you and your dad are near identical when it comes to handling emotions and feelings. Three of those four months that we got to have a break he drank his face off. I ran into him up in Boston, it wasn't even noon and he was plastered and while his demeanour was defensive he was carrying too much weight and responsibility. He felt responsible for the whole fall out of that operation. We stayed together that last month, he got cleaned up and we prepped for our next station. When we got to Lebanon you'd think he never went through the months of drinking. He was that good at hiding everything and holding everything close to his chest. During a hostile incursion where Ray was the boss we lost almost everyone. We went from around one hundred good men and women to thirteen, seven of which were really injured. It was a successful mission, but after that and after Lebanon he didn't want to be a front line soldier. He couldn't handle it, he wanted to still be a military man but no more killing."

"Is that how he met my mom?"

"I believe so. We never really saw each other after that, but we wrote. He would be stationed more in peacekeeping missions. I still have the letters if you'd like, I remember the one when he had first met your mom because it was a disaster. He asked what to do after you mess up talking to a women and if there was a way of telling if the shock of meeting someone could mean he was in love. He never admitted feelings for her in any letter, but I knew he loved her because all he wanted to do was protect her. He asked for a permanent station which is how you ended up in France, which is where you were born. The last time I saw your dad was right after you were born, you were only a couple days old. He was freaking out, all men do when they have kids, but he said that he would give up everything to make sure you were always safe and taken care of."

I roll my eyes, cause that idea of his went over so well. I remember what they said in the hospital the first time. That there was weeks of warning signs and that the first one and all the ones after wouldn't have happened if he got his head out of his ass and actually went to the doctor as instructed. Idiot.

I can feel the tears now, I don't know how long I've been crying. I don't understand how smart and brave and strong could turn into the one I knew. I don't get it. I don't think that Taylor understands how different he was after everything.

"Your father, he wouldn't hate you or be disappointed in you," Taylor makes sure I'm looking in his eyes. "Understand that your father would never feel that towards you. He would be mad and disappointed in himself. The man who wants to protect everyone, to make sure that his family never got hurt, and he couldn't protect you from himself. How you're acting now, yes it is incredibly childish and irresponsible and you could do irrevocable damage to your body, but he would blame himself for your actions. His rage that you've mentioned when you were a kid, it would have been meant for him but radiated out to you. He would jump in front of a bus to protect you."

"Then why didn't he?" I cry. "He skipped six doctors appointments before his first one. He was sent home from work twice because they thought something was wrong. He could have done something. He could have done something to save himself for me! It's not fair! I was left with no one. With nothing. I was the one who had to take care of him. I had to take care of my depressed and anxiety ridden mother. I was seven Taylor, seven! Seven isn't old enough to understand everything. Here there were military men and shit visiting and telling me how honoured I should feel for having the great Ray Steele as my dad and all I felt was I wish they could actually help. It's not fair. You got years knowing him, seeing him, talking to him. I got nothing. I did everything I could to take care of him and mom but it was never enough. I'm never enough. What if this day is not enough?"

"Did he ever stop fighting?"

"No."

"That's right, cause we don't quit. He mad mistakes, and I'm sure he regretted it all but there's no changing that. He couldn't change what happened in Lebanon or in negotiations. He couldn't and you can't change the past either."

"You said he was a decorated military officer or whatever. I've never seen his medals."

"He is, and it doesn't surprise me you haven't. He hated getting them, said there were people more deserving. I bet that they're locked somewhere in a safe, out of sight. Without your father, I wouldn't be here today and neither would Sawyer. I wouldn't have a daughter. Things happen."

I suck in all my tears and look back up at him. Pretty much everyone has cleared out except for Christian, Kate and Elliot. No staff or security are seated at the tables, thank God, cause I have definitely made a spectacle of myself.

"Do you know why Christian and Kate decided to bring you here, now?" He asks.

"Cause I mentioned dolphins when I was high?" I'm curious now.

"No, well it could have been a factor," He cracks a smile. "No, because I told them it would help. I did the same thing with your father but I took him to Mexico. Dolphins are proven to help with depression. People who have been suicidal have moments of enlightenment when interacting with dolphins. Some say it's because they're friendly mammals, others the waves or something from the echolocation. It has stopped people from hitting rock bottom, turning them back in the right direction. Dolphins saved your dad, in turn, ensuring your very existence. You'll feel it, that moment of clarity where you discover your path, what you need and where you want to go from here."

"So it is rehab," I smirk.

"Sure, but it will be good for you."

"Will it make my dad proud?"

"Do you think it will?"

"I want it too."

"Then that's your answer."

We both look over at Christian, who taking that our conversation is over races to us and checks me over as if I just came back from war. He holds my face in his hands and searches my eyes for the answers to the questions that swim in his. I chew on my lip, waiting to see what will happened if he doesn't like whatever answers he gets.

"Are you okay?" He finally asks.

"Can we see the dolphins now?" I mumble.

"Of course," He pecks my lips. "We just have to change first, Kate has your stuff."

I drag Kate into the girls bathroom to change into the bikini she picked out for me, this one has a halter neck tie ensuring that I won't accidentally flash anyone. It's a light grey, almost like Christian's eyes. Kate's is the same style, a gorgeous violet colour. I tug a pink cotton sundress over my head, and we go out to the restaurant again. Kate keeps her hair pulled into a pony tail but she deftly braids mine into two french braids. Christian and Elliot take longer then us, coming out in swim shorts and t-shirts.

"I could have braided your hair," Christian says.

"You can braid?" I laugh.

"Yeah, it's weird but he's decent at it," Kate says.

"Can we do this now or what?" Elliot interrupts.

We go out to the pools, security is stationed all over the property, by the different pools, and the staff here wait by the pool. They offer wet suits but all of us decline them and the life jackets which are apparently suppose to be enforced. Christian shut that idea down quick, we all know how to swim and swim well anyway.

This is real, this is actually going to happen. I am going to swim with dolphins today, I'm going to see things differently and be free. Everything feels light right now, like nothing is weighing me down. Hell, we haven't started yet and I feel high when I know I'm not. This is going to mean everything, it's the fracture point to see where I split.

Kate and Elliot are up to their stomachs in the water and I've yet to step in, the water washes up inches from my toes. Christian's barely in the water, his hand held out waiting for me.

"You coming?" He smirks.

"I'm nervous," I admit.

"It's going to be okay, now lets see what all the fuss is about."

I take his hand as we wade out to Kate, Elliot and the four instructors that are out there. They introduce themselves quick: brunette girl, Rowan; dark blonde girl, Zoe; bald guy, Grant; and black haired guy Bryant. Each of them are in wet suits and have whistles around their necks. My cheeks ache from the permanent smile that is plastered on it, the nausea is present but not severe from the non-stop butterflies that flutter about. I have never dreamed about being this close to dolphins before, now I'm standing in their pool.

Zoe works one on one with me when Elliot, Kate and Christian go out to tan and get ready for lunch. I don't want to get out yet, today is a day of late lunch.

There are six dolphins that are swimming freely in the pool as we do, there's five staff that constantly circle and supervise the pool just in case anything happens. They're wild animals, we need to remember that. There's one dolphin, Lux, she hovers around me all the time since they let her out of the holding pool.

"Here, I brought you goggles," Zoe holds out a pair for me. "Lux really seems to like you, it's sweet."

"This is single handedly the greatest experience of my life," I sigh.

"I can tell. You hold yourself differently from when you were standing at the edge of the pool. You seem lighter, clearer."

"I feel it."

I slip the goggles over my eyes and adjust them to fit then dive under the water and swim further out. I hold myself underwater, spinning to watch the different dolphins swim and move around. I can't believe I'm here, I can't believe that everything seems irrelevant in comparison. The world is nothing compared to right now. Present. Supported. Alive.

I let go and kick up to the surface to breathe, Christian is at the edge of the water watching me closely. As not to worry him more I wave over at him, easing him into a comfortable smile as he waves back. I quickly dive back under.

I've been in the pool nearing two hours and still nothing. No moment of clarity, no epiphany, no anything. I love this experience, but I thought it would have happened by now. I though I would have felt something. I allow my lungs to burn for air longer than I should, hoping for anything, before Lux swim under me and I grab hold of her dorsal fin.

Christian is standing and waiting for me in the shallow water, he holds me on my feet and in his warm arms. Lux stays at my feet constantly bumping me into him. I think it's time for lunch, sun, and then more dolphins.

We're sitting out in one of the cabana's with people setting out our meal. Kate and Elliot can't take their eyes off each other which is cute, Christian can't keep his eyes off me.

I don't want to lose this, I don't want to go back to who I was yesterday, or last week, or last year. I can't be that person again, all of it has to be gone. It's now. It's tomorrow. It's five years from now. Maybe that means no more school.

"Blue? You okay?" Christian's brow furrows.

"Yeah. I'm good. Fantastic actually," I smile. "Never felt better."

Kate looks at me, analyzes me with that journalist look and breaks into a smile. Christian, he looks at me like it's the last but first time he's seen me. This is good, I feel so light. So why does it feel like I am about to be ripped in two from my chest out?

* * *

 **AN: Thank you guys. Those of you who have voiced your opinions on my options I am ever grateful for I now have a great plan on where this is going and how everything is going to work out. Now, of course Elena will be mention because she is in the** **histories, but she is not in the future.**

 **I didn't want to delve too far into the dolphins but I thought that some insight for Ana before them was a good idea. To be honest it was a hard chapter for me to write, some of it very personal and close to my heart. I hope you all enjoyed, see you tomorrow.**

 **-Mouse**


	13. Chapter 13

"I want to cook dinner tonight," I announce while we are all loading into the car.

"Yes!" Kate fist pumps the air. "You are going to love Ana food."

"I need to go to the market first."

"Are you sure? We have staff so I no one has to cook," Christian frowns.

"I want to cook dinner tonight," I annunciate each word.

"Taylor, stop at a shop before we go home."

Kate and I start talking about all of the options I have for dinner tonight. This will be the most state of the art kitchen I have ever worked in, on top of having access to the outdoor kitchen. I can't wait to try and use all of the appliances, sure it will mean that we will be having a late dinner but I have three prep cooks who can work for me to make this go faster.

The car isn't fully in park when we get to the market before I'm jumping out with Kate. We're still not certain as to what I am making so what draws our eyes goes in the basket. I know what I want to do for dessert, and I do want to make a Yorkshire Pudding so I'm thinking a roast or steak which are two dishes I have never made last minute. I just figure, go with what I know and what I'm good at so that Christian likes it and doesn't hate me.

"Kate I need Dark Rum or Kahlúa," I frown, Christian won't give me this.

"You cook, I'll get a hold of it for us," She smiles and skips away.

I start on the marinade of the steaks, chopping the vegetables while Kate is off hunting for the liquor that is probably being held hostage. I need two ounces, it's not a lot, and you'd think Christian could trust her with me.

Our starter is going to be bruschetta. Main course is steak, grilled honey-lemon asparagus, and instead of a yorkshire I'm doing grilled root vegetables (beets, potatoes, yams, carrots). Dessert is going to be my Tiramisu, the recipe that I have been perfecting for years and is secret. It's a crowd favourite normally, this means that Christian and Elliot and everyone will love it. I've just never made a meal for this many people.

"Little One, you don't need to make dinner for everyone. Most of security is just going to order a pizza or something," Elliot saunters into the kitchen.

"Okay, well I am making some just in case. Can you chop?" I look way up at him.

"Sure, what am I doing?"

"Coin the root vegetables for me and then when you're done with that, cut the last half inch off of all the asparagus, slanted," I order.

"Sir, yes, sir," Elliot salutes and marches over to the counter where I have it set up.

I scroll to my Hedley playlist on my iPod and link it to the speakers so we have some background music. Kate arrives back with Kahlúa, then takes over with my marinade, whisking it up. This is fun, too bad Christian is working on his laptop in the living room instead of helping. I think he'd have fun with us.

Elliot offers to grill the steaks which is awesome, I could do it but he is absolutely insistent. He's on top of the meat, I am grilling the root vegetables on the BBQ but the asparagus on a stove top grill. The bruschetta is nearly ready and the Tiramisu is complete and in the mini fridge I found, cooling the temperature more than the large fridge, to firm the cream. Christian said he is going to find some wine to pair with my creations, after we fight and finally agree that Taylor and Sawyer can join us for dinner.

I plate the starters, everything is put on warming temperatures while we eat and everyone but Kate and myself moan at the taste. I guess it is true, most people say that my bruschetta is addictive and should be illegal. I'm nervous about the root vegetables because I just came up with the seasonings this time at the drop of a hat and am unsure if it will turn out right. With Kate's help I plate the main course, making it look like a high quality meal you could order at a restaurant. I'm too nervous to take a bite, waiting for everyone to try it all before I do.

I've always loved to cook, especially when mom stopped caring and dad couldn't. No one should go without food and they were suffering enough so I made sure that they always had good food that was healthy and could take them places. That's what I wanted to do tonight and I think I succeeded. Thank god.

I barely taste the meal before I am cleaning up and loading all the dishes and my mess into the dishwasher. Everyone is talking and laughing at the table, now is better then any other time to announce my plan.

"I don't think I want to go back to school," I blurt then look at my feet.

"Okay," Kate doesn't sound as upset as I thought she'd be. "What do you want to do? How can we help?"

I look up at the ten eyes looking over at me, they're not mad or looking like then want to wail on me or toss me off a cliff. That's good, smoother then I was thinking. My heart rate and adrenaline levels are really high but this is not threatening like I thought.

"I want to find me, and I don't know how to do that. I want an environment that I can goof around and play with the things I used to love and that used to help while seeing what my drive is. I love school, I'm good at it, but I am good at it and love it because since I was three it was the one thing that never changed. I went to school every day and it was normal, but I lost myself along the line. I need to know who I am and not be this," I motion to myself. "Please don't be mad at me, don't hate me."

"I could never hate you," Kate hugs me. "Where do you want to go? Home with me? To Christians? You could stay here for a while longer…"

"I don't want to lose you," I look at her.

"You couldn't lose me if you tried," She takes a deep breath. "I offer up Christian's place on a platter cause I know he has everything you may need and you wouldn't be able to slip up if you were with me, and it would give me more of a reason to go home to Seattle more often."

We look at Christian and Elliot at the table, Christian nods his approval and me moving up to be with him. Maybe if we get close to each other I can show him my houses or give him one as a thank you, or something in the inheritance as a thank you. I could try and find a job and pay rent seeing as I'd be giving up half of my month's allowance if I am not at school.

"Stay with me as long as you want, it's help me help you," Christian smirks. _Oh yeah, the contract!_ "Still want to leave here tomorrow?"

"Yeah, it's time to just walk forwards," I sigh.

I plate up the Tiramisu and distribute it around the table, this is by far my favourite dessert in the world. It's better that chocolate cake or banana cream pie and if I could eat it every single day of my existence I'd be a happy person.

After everything is cleaned up we all sit in the living room discussing how things are going to go. Kate wants to come to Seattle for the week so I can settle in and she won't be a three and a half hour drive away from us. When we get to Seattle Christian is adamant that a wardrobe will be waiting for me and that I will have my own room in his apartment, that everything I could ever need or want will be there for me. Kate will pack my personal things when she goes back to Portland and then someone will bring it all up to me. It's like they were planning all of this before, which is good but means that I am predictable.

They start talking about having a family meal at his place on Tuesday, the second night I will be up there. At this time I will meet the rest of Christian's family and Kate's parents and brother will be invited so it will be both people I do and do not know. What if his parents hate me, they could have heard about me from Kate's parents. In the beginning her parents hated me, hated the fact that she just brought a homeless whore home, and Christian's parents may think the same. I don't want those looks again, to feel that shame again.

When everyone is asleep and the clocks read 03:12, I sneak back down to the piano. Since this is probably the last night I will have this incredible instrument I want to play it as much I can before not having it anymore. I struggle to gently close the lid and then sit down on the bench. I know that someone checks in on me multiple times in the night, I can feel their eyes on the back of my head, but no one stops me. I play till the sun comes up before running upstairs to pack and dress in the same clothes I came here in.

Everyone is quiet at breakfast, oddly so. We all just eat and move and act like robots. It's not very comfortable or settling. If this is how things are going to be, us all walking on egg shells around each other then I don't want to do this or be here. The drive to the airport is the same, and when we're all on the plane waiting for take off.

"What did I do?" I whisper, praying no one actually heard me.

"Why do you think you did something, Little One?" Elliot asks.

"You guys are all acting weird, and I'm the one who changed things," I shrug.

"Sorry, Blue. We're just looking at how fast and comfortable we've all gotten around each other in not even a week," Christian holds my hands and squeezes. "So, what do you want so you can find yourself? What were your dreams as a kid? Pretend I'm your fairy-god-whatever, and I will grant all your wishes."

I look at him, confused. I don't really know what I want or what I wish. I don't think that I have ever really wished for or wanted anything much. I used to just wish for my dad and mom to get better and to have a real family. I used to wish for kind parents. I used to wish to be skeletal and have no fat because I was always told I was even though I was (am) only a size two. I don't think those are the ones he's talking about, not physical goals but personal or achievement type goals. I don't think I have many in that retrospect though.

"Can I have paper and a pen?" I ask.

"Sure," Christian waves over and asks Tia.

I lean back in my seat with the notebook and pen, both fancy and probably worth more then what is logical for just paper and pens. It's Christian, it's time to get used to it if we're living together. It's a seven hour flight, I can figure something out in seven hours.

 _Goals And/Or Wishes For Me And My Future_

Play Piano at Disney Hall

Art (work on all different types)

Figure Out How to Work an Adult Job

Write a Book?

Buy Myself a Sterling Model B Steinway

Or Buy Myself a Model B Steinway with Inverted Keys

Get Revenge On The Lincoln's

Learn to Trust

Have a Real Family

Stay Sober

Figure Out Relationships

Change the World?

Take Dance Classes

Take Gymnastics Classes

Take Martial Arts Classes

Become and Ninja

Find out About my Parents Histories

Have Tea With The President, Ask Important Questions

Make A Movie

Make A Difference

Talk At _We Day_

Make a Safe House/Foundation for Kids Like Me

Be There for Christian. Help Him.

Everyone is either sleeping or pretending too. We're only halfway through this flight and I have a bunch of childish answers that are stupid. None of this is what he is asking of me, he wants logical and well though answers and I've got none of that. _Come on Ana, think harder._

* * *

 **AN: Good Morning everybody. Hope you are all well.**

 **Just so you know, this list may be more important then it may seem, especially more than Ana wants it to be. Christian will do anything for her and soon she may realize that she will do anything for him too.**

 **See you all later. Keep up the Reviews and Everything my Lovely's, they make my day and make me want to get things out to you all so much faster.**

 **-Mouse.**


	14. Chapter 14

I'm barely awake when we land, and while I can go days with no sleep it's jarring when your body's trembling viciously from the amount of adrenaline in my system. I tried to sleep somewhere over the flat states with everyone else but it just was not happening. No, instead I've continued on my stupid list of stupid things and added stupid explanations to hold of them, and I'm not even convinced by me. Christian is going to think I'm a total lunatic when he reads this. _Plan D, don't let Christian or his goons read this, and come up with something normal._ Who knows, maybe he would be willing to take to work with him one day. _Yeah right. On what? National bring your crazy half sub girl to work day?_ I'm not doing very good at the whole settling down and moving on thing. Maybe I am crazy, maybe I should find an expensive charlatan, head doctor to talk to. I bet there are loads in Seattle with all the rich people there. I bet Christian or Kate would know someone that they could recommend.

"We've blocked the view so no one will get photos of you exiting the plane and getting into the cares," Taylor announces.

"Thank you, Taylor. Is Escala secure and ready?" Christian asks.

"Yes Sir, and Miss Jones has a light snack waiting for you all when you arrive. She has also prepared the spare room beside yours rather then the one upstairs; however, if you wish to have that one prepped she can before we arrive."

"No, the one by mine is fine."

"Okay, if that's all Sir we should load into the vehicles before more paparazzi gather at the gates and at Escala."

We're led out of the plane that we've been waiting on for like twenty minutes. The stairs have been turned into a tunnel and there is a large blockade (or wall) that are hiding the four identical Audi's from the screaming and shouting. Oh boy, this is going to be interesting.

In the car we're ordered not to get too close to the windows even though they're tinted, they say that some lenses can still see in and get pictures of us. I think that the bubble we have been in while in Portland and in Orlando. In no way have I really been prepared for, for the reality and spectacle that is 'Christian Grey'. I don't think they warned me well enough. I'm going to embarrass him, enrage him. He will never want to see me again once I fuck up. I'm never going to be able to leave his apartment, nor should I be allowed, once he locks me up in it.

We drive through a mob of people to get out of Boeing field, and the flashes, screaming and shouting that happen should have announced before hand. Especially to the one person in the car who has never had to deal with this before! They've all lived through this before on multiple occasions, and I am wanting to scream, cry and disappear. Not being able to do any, I curl up with my knees tight to my chest in my seat and focus on breathing.

It's a forty minute drive from Boeing and Christian's private hanger, to his apartment in downtown Seattle due to the traffic. It's one of many things that I have never missed about Seattle, I have never missed the ridiculous traffic conditions. It's only when we park in the underground, after driving through our second mob of people, so I feel safe. I still hold onto my backpack as if it were my lifeline as we enter the elevator. Kate holds my attention, dramatically eventuating each breath for me while Christian enters a code into the elevator.

"Penthouse," Kate states, I nod.

We step out into one of the most sterile, hospital-like, expensive apartments I have ever seen. On top of all that this place is a mansion, no, this place is a castle is the sky. I giggle at my own reference. I hope that Kate ends me all of my Hayao Miyazaki movies, they're really important to me.

There is a large empty space in the far corner of his living room. This place is ridiculous, he can't even fill it with furniture. Why is this place so empty, so void of colour, attachment and emotion? How in the world does Christian live here and still stay sane? There is no personality to this place to signify that this is actually a house and not a show apartment. I don't know if I can find _me_ here.

"What do you think?" Christian motions to the great room.

"It's big," I force a smile.

"But?" Elliot laughs. "We can all see the but coming."

I look around more, moving towards the dining room and floor to ceiling windows that surround this prison cell. The views are incredible, art in themselves. I always wondered what this city looked like from places like this compared to living down on the streets. It's very removed up here, distant from the happenings of the real world. Maybe there is something real hidden in the belly of this beast, Christian's dirty little secret.

"Are you sure this is your house?" I ask.

That just kills Kate and Elliot who fall onto the couch in stitches for that comment, I can't help but laugh at/with them. Christian pouts, but he cracks a smile through that mask. He nods at me, telling me that he does actually live in this place.

"I think you would have survived nicely in the fifties," I mutter. "Black at white TV, and the strict submissive housewife law."

He laughs at that one, while Elliot isn't even able to breathe because he is laughing so hard. Taylor and Sawyer walk in from another area of the apartment and look questionably at the entire situation that is unfolding.

"Sir, all bags are set in both your room and Miss Steele's. Miss Jones set the platters of food out on the counter and has started unpacking," Taylor announces.

Some man in a suit that I have not seen before walks out from another hallway and stops beside Taylor and Sawyer.

"Sir, your sister is in the elevator on the way up," Suit guy announces.

"Thank you Ryan, show her in when she gets here," Christian dismisses them.

His sister? His sister is coming here already? How in the world did she know that we were here, and why does she not call without warning people first? Kate is trying to calm herself down, it is her best friend who is rising up from the masses into the castle. I move over to stand closer to Christian but not close enough for him or Kate to touch me. My nerves and adrenaline are to alive, that means it won't end well for me or anyone who thinks its a good idea to touch me. I don't want to be a freak again.

"Mia!" Kate shrieks.

"Kate!" A blur of pink crashes into Kate.

Mia, closer to Kate's height, with long black hair, tan skin, and in clothes that are probably worth more then the monthly rent I give Kate. She looks like a celebrity almost, with large sunglasses sitting atop her head. The both look like they're cut from the same cloth when it comes to clothes, likes, dislikes, class. If Kate has someone like that, why would she ever give me the time of day.

Mia quickly hugs Elliot, now panting in upright position, and then goes over to hug Christian. Unfortunately he thinks it's a good idea to serving me up on a platter to Mia's attention. She comes charging, flailing, and talking incessantly at me. Wrapping her arms around me in a way that should be kind and caring but it only making me freak out more.

"Mia, let go of Ana," Kate shouts, and runs at me. She doesn't touch me but stays right in my line of sight. "You and me, Ana, breathe. Tell me where you are. What day it is."

"I'm… I'm in… uh, I'm in Christian's sterile and void apartment in Sea… Seattle… Um… I… I don't," I stutter.

"It's okay Ana, you're okay," Kate coos. "Christian can you get a throw or comforter for me?" I slide down the wall behind me to sit on the floor, Kate kicks off her shoes and joins me after taking the blanket from Christian. "Here you go honey, just breathe. Mia is a good person but she has no off switch or non-fast level."

I burrito myself and stay with my back against the wall. Taylor and another lady I haven't met yet walk into the room to check in on everything and then stay and watch everything. Elliot moves to talk to the lady, Kate stays right by me, and Mia is over by Christian while he watches me close.

"I'm sorry, Christian. I didn't know. You could have warned me," Mia's hushed voice breaks into my observations. "If I had known she is like how you used to be I wouldn't have done that. I would never have rushed her, you know that. How did you meet her? Is she your girlfriend? Is she living with you? Do mom and dad know?"

He rolls his eyes, wish I could, and yet he still smiles at her. He really loves his sister, you can see it in how he stands and how he looks at her. They're close as siblings, makes me wish I could have had siblings but at the same time I'm happy I didn't so they didn't suffer too.

"Christian," I cry.

He's at me in seconds, like Superman, and scoops me up into his arms. He carries me over to the large dining table where the lady with Taylor is setting out drinks and platters of food. Mia and Elliot sit with their backs to the room, Kate sits with her back to the window, and I'm on Christian's lap at the head of the table closest to the kitchen.

Christian feeds me, which is both embarrassing in front of everyone and comforting to know he cares. I bet this is a part of Dom Christian, the whole control and bossy guy who probably has a BDSM room in this place. Wherever that room is, whatever it's called, I bet that it's the only room with colour. The wild Dom in his natural habitat. I wonder what I'd have to do for him to drag me in there. I wonder if I get free time and can find it on my own.

"I'm sorry Anastasia, but in my defence in scaring the shit out of you, it was all Christian's fault," Mia points at her brother.

"How is it my fault?" Christian feigns hurt.

"You could have used your head and warned me. I didn't even find out you were home from you, I found out from Kate!"

"Well, I was hoping to talk to you and the parents tomorrow before I invited you all to dinner. I guess the blame is going onto Kavanaugh."

"Dream on, Grey. I didn't open Ana up to a Mia attack," Kate jokes.

"Well, when you talk to mom just use yourself as an example when it comes to the hugging thing," Mia offers.

"It's not exactly like Christian. Ana's more like a puppy," Kate smiles kindly. "You can't charge her or touch her till she sniffs your hand, trusts you, and then comes to you."

I wiggle out out of the blanket and sit up a bit more to glare at Kate. Christian isn't laughing out loud but I can feel the way his shoulders are shaking. He thinks she is funny, or that it's true.

"I am not Kate," I pout.

"Do you not remember the finger thing when we first met?" She looks at me, I slouch back into Christian facing defeat. "She used to hold out her pointer finger, you could tap that with your own. It's how she used to say hello and goodbye till about seven months of living together."

Christian pops a grape into my mouth and pecks my cheek. Mia is studying him or me like a weird experiment that I think Elliot and Kate have grown immune to. It's like she has never seen Christian interact in this way before, but for some reason I also find that very easy and hard to believe.

"You guys are adorable," Mia gushes.

"Thanks, Mimi. So, what brings you here again?" Christian looks at her.

"Kate's here. I missed you. You all went to Florida and left me here!"

"Next trip you can come, it was last minute," Christian defends, I snuggle into him. "I think that we all need to get some rest though, recover from the jet-lag and what not."

"I'm not tired, she can stay," I peep.

"It's okay Ana, it gives me more time to tell Mom and Dad all about how Christian and Elliot have kept secrets this past week and just skipped dinner last night without calling and Mom phoned five people before finding out what was happening," Mia smirks, she's evil.

I jolt out of Christian's lap as if he burned me, tears are streaming down my eyes as I look at everyone.

"I made you miss special dinner?" I cry. "I made your mother worry? Why didn't you tell me I broke things?"

I run over to the stairs and head up, I remember Taylor saying something about a bedroom up here that I could possibly hide in. At least up here there is only one hall. The first door on the left is just a bathroom. I fling open the only door on the right side of the hall and fall into that room. It's pitch black as I struggle to find the light switch.

"Come on, please let there be light. I really don't like the dark," I panic, finally finding a row of three switches. "Thank fuck." One at a time I move the nobs into the upwards position and turn to look at the room. "Holy Mother of…"

* * *

 **AN: I hope you all love this chapter, and I know you all know where we have trapped Anastasia.**

 **As to the messages and reviews to my hint on my last chapter, believe me that the Lincoln Connection will not lead where you all may be thinking.**

 **Questions to the Masses:**

 **1\. How do you all feel about a time jump?**

 **2\. How do you think Carrick and Grace will accept Ana?**

 **3\. Who do you think will find Ana?**

 **4\. How do you think Ana will take to Gail?**

 **Have a wonderful night, see you tomorrow.**

 **-Mouse**


	15. Chapter 15

If I were to slit my wrists in here my blood would match the walls, there would be no difference if I were to bleed out. The walls, the bedding, the colour of the couch are all blood red. What is not red is dark chocolate wood: the massive four post bed, the flooring, the racks that hold up him devices of torture. I feel like the BAU on Criminal Minds would have a hay day in here, and I doubt it would end well for Christian.

When I thought he would have a BDSM room I never thought it would end up looking something like this. It's so creepy but so intimate, it's actually turning me on. I really don't like some of the devices, really am not a fan of the belts or canes because I know what those feel like and those don't feel nice. I don't know what some of the string leather things are, but they could be interesting. A riding crop could hurt, but it's not like a belt or cane so I cannot judge it. I can't judge a lot of it because I didn't think I would feel as horny as I do now from it, and that means that I am interested and am just as fucked up as every other sucker who has been sucked into this realm. I mean, people have to be messed to do this but in this day in age I think everyone is messed up enough to do this. This world is really good at making the fucked up, normal.

I find a place behind a large trunk in the corner to curl up and hide behind until things calm down. Until I calm down. I just, I can't believe that Christian would give something up like his family and a commitment so important like that to be with me. I can't believe that he would give up family time, super important loving and caring and real time, to be with someone he barely knows or understands and can't love the same. It's not fair to anyone involved, to his parents. Oh God, what if they thought he was dead or injured or kidnapped without them knowing. What could have gone through his mind to let them live through that. Does he not understand how incredible it is to have real parents who are all there and who love you, who would do anything for you. Parents who waited at a dinner table for their sons, only for them to not show up. What the hell is wrong with Elliot? I mean I can tell that a lot is not all there, but he is the oldest, he's the big brother. Why didn't Elliot care enough to call his parents, to love them enough to let them know what was happening. I can't imagine, nor do I want to, what Mr and Mrs Grey went through last night. I would panic if Christian did that to me, and he is just my friend-Dom, he's not my son or lover or anything that important. Mia, she seems like a firestorm, but she also seems like she is just trying to keep her family together, just in a childlike way. She cares enough for them, and she doesn't know me like Christian and Elliot do.

Is it me? Is him, is both of them forgetting their parents and their special dinner on me? I had them occupied because they've been trying to keep me alive and sober for the past four days. Am I the breaker of families? Do I ruin relationships that should never be ruined? _Of course you are Ana, you're a worthless piece of shit that causes Armageddon in loving and caring relationships. It's why you're nothing, why you should be dead._ I need them to forget me, I need them to go back to their families. I keep on making mistakes, making the bad choices.

"Miss Steele?" I hear Taylor call out on the other side of the door. "Miss Steele you can come out from hiding. No one is mad at you."

I roll my eyes and make myself smaller then I ever have before. I do not want Taylor to find me in here, I don't want any of them to find me in here. They should just wait till I come out. Till I figure out what to do, where to go, reevaluate my whole existence again. They need to go back to their families, love on them and not on me.

I want everything to slow down. I want a day where I can breathe and reflect and plan and hope and find something worth living for. I need that something. There has to be that something. I want Christian to be that something, that someone, but I know he is too good for me. I know that there are dark patches in his eyes but if I stay in his life to long I will make them big when he needs the dark to fully go away.

I'm so tired, and in here is so safe. Here is quiet and comforting even thought I don't think this Red Room of Pain should be, it's safe and I can feel it. I'll just rest my eyes for a minute, just till they stop calling for me.

 _Bennett is standing over me, waiting for me. I'm finishing up my homework on the kitchen table and I know he wants me to be done. I know he wants to scream and yell at me right now but he can't. One of the others, Dylan, he has a social worker visiting him right now so Bennett can't scream and beat me here at the kitchen table like he wants and it is killing him. He loves this, making me squirm with dread._

 _"_ _After you're done with this I will look over your work. For ever question you get wrong it is one lashing with the black cane. You better hope you don't have a lot wrong, bitch," He breathes in my ear. "And it won't be me serving your punishment. One of our guests tonight will dish this one out and she is way worse than me."_

 _"_ _Who, Sir?" I ask._

 _"_ _My sister-in-law, I told her about your behaviour and she can't wait to sink her teeth into you. She understands how to break a bitch. Remember that. That and she doesn't like to be told no or stop, it will make things worse for you."_

 _He leaves me, and I know that I my skin will look like ground meat after tonight. I am horrible at math, this is Calculus and am already barely passing. Sure I can pass a test but these assignments are what kill me and my grade. Bennett works with numbers, in some finance department for some company, and he knows that I don't do numbers well._

 _Bennett is with Stephanie in the kitchen cooking, Dylan and his social worker walk in and he sits by me and cracks into his homework._

 _"_ _Mr and Mrs Lincoln, you are doing a great job with these children. Next week Dylan gets a supervised visit with his birth mother so one of you will need to remove him from school early to take him to the court house," The Social Worker smiles and dismisses herself._

 _They're doing a great job with us? To bad she can't actually see and experience what we do because it's not good or nice or anything. I've been here seven weeks and I already know this._

 _Dinner comes and Bennett's brother, Andrew, and sister-in law, Elena, are seated at the table with us. Elena, a women who has had too much access to a plastic surgeon an botox. She is too interested in Dylan and Micah, in the same way that Bennett is interested in me and that is not a comforting thought. Stephanie announces dessert but I am not allowed it, apparently I haven't earned it today. I just have to sit and wait while everyone else eats an incredible looking dessert._

 _"_ _Come Ana, we're going down to the basement now," Bennett announces._

 _I used to think that Stephanie would do something, stop this, but I was quick to learn she doesn't care. I learned that when I complained or cried to her she would just tell him and it would get worse for me._

 _Bennett walks down first while Elena is behind me. I stand beside the bottom of the stairs and wait for the first hit, for something to happen or for someone to yell._

 _"_ _Why is she just standing there Bennett? I thought you said you were training her," Elena sneers. "Girl! Strip and kneel by the stairs!"_

 _Strip? He's never made me do that before, and I don't think I am up for being naked in front of people much older than me, like twice my age. She grabs and pulls my hair, hard, it feels like she is going to rip my scalp off. Her one finger nail digs into the skin beside my left eye, she's cutting in deep._

 _"_ _When I tell you to do something, do it without hesitation or it gets worse for you," She bites. "Now, strip and kneel like a good girl."_

 _"_ _I'm not fucking the brat, Elena," Bennett says. "Not yet anyway."_

 _"_ _I don't need to fuck her, she just needs to know her fucking place! She needs to strip and kneel before I double her lashings."_

 _They both look at me, waiting. I quickly take off my top and shuffle out of my jeans, I'm left standing in front of them in my cheap Wal-Mart bra and panties. I hope that they don't want me to take off anymore, no one has ever seen any more and I'd like to keep it that way._

 _"_ _Bra too, then kneel down with your hands on your knees," She orders._

 _I chomp down on my lip and remove my bra and then kneel, hands on my knees. I could take her if I wanted, she doesn't scare me, but Bennett scares the shit out of me and I won't ruin having a roof over my head. I need to have a roof, a bed or couch to sleep in, and it's here whether I like it or not._

 _"_ _You got twenty-four wrong," Bennett states. "That means twenty-four lashings. You are going to count each one and other then the number you will not make any other sound."_

 _"_ _You do the first twelve Bennett, I want to see how you handle her," Elena smiles. "I know someone who she'd be perfect for but she needs to be able to take a lot."_

 _"_ _It would be my pleasure."_

 _THWACK! I know that even this first hit bites harshly in my back, and if another hit lines up correctly it will cut right into my back and draw blood._

 _"_ _One," I croak._

Elena can never come back. Elena can never come back. Elena can never come back.

I hate the nightmares with her, but I'm safe from her. I'll always be safe from her now. Dylan was wrapped in her creepy life and then one day she dislocated his shoulder and ruined all his chances at a baseball scholarship and a further education. Dylan took his revenge, him and some others that were involved with her. Turned out she had a thing for teenage boys and is now in Wisconsin serving a 25 year to life sentence with no chance at an early probation, that is if no one finds out why that pedophile is in there and shank her first. The last three years of an Elena free life have been incredible, I don't want to know what would have happened to me if I had be wrapped in her clutches for longer. You hear the horror stories how people sell people and I wouldn't think better of that monster.

I hate Bennett and Stephanie, the destroyed me and countless others. They're still foster parents too, and that is because of the privatization of foster care. They're not allowed to be foster parents with the governmental firms, the private companies don't care about anything other then placing kids and making more money. God, what I would give to take everything away from them, make them suffer like I did. But they're the past, I can't focus on that. It's just easier to forget and ignore all that if it wasn't all I dreamed about.

I really like this room, it's quiet unless someone is shouting right outside the large door that separates here and me from everything and everyone else. Nothing can hurt me here right now, even though I am in a room full of things that could possibly kill me.

* * *

 **AN: Thank you Lovely's for your support. I doubt this is what any of you guys thought was going to happen.**

 **Thank you to the new readers, guest readers, readers who have been here from the start. I am thankful to all of you who are reading what I am writing and sticking around to find out more.**

 **Do you guys think that Ana is overthinking and overanalyzing things too much? Letting her anxiety take over?**

 **I would love to hear your guesses on what else may be holding Ana back.**

 **Love you all, and I'll see you later.**

 **-Mouse**


	16. Chapter 16

I think it's been a few hours since I ran off, its odd that they haven't looked in here. Maybe this room was supposed to be locked. I did lock it behind me so that means that they could think I wouldn't be able to enter here. I think I'd make a really good secret agent, I'm quiet and stealthy. At least I now feel like I can breathe and that the world isn't crashing down on me.

I wonder if Christian would ever have sex with me in here, use all the different devices on me like he probably has with others. Make them feel something, give them peace of mind and him the euphoria Dom's feel from being in control. I remember some things from the research I had to do for that paper.

I stumble to the door and unlock it, opening it a crack to peer out and make sure no one will see me leave here. No one is in the hall, good. I slip out of the door, gently closing it behind me. _Okay, suck it up Ana. Big girl pants_. I gulp down some air before tip-toeing towards the stairs and down to the main floor. There are more people then were here before I ran off, three I recognize as Mr and Mrs Kavanaugh, and Ethan. The other two seem to be scolding Mia, which means that they are her parents, in extension they're Christian's parents.

"Miss Steele," Sawyer is right behind me.

I scream and fall to the floor and I don't need to see how awkward it must have looked. I am not a graceful human, I'm good at the stealth but not at the smooth. The scream is what draws everyone's attention, beckoning Kate and Christian from down the hall on my left. Elliot's laughing, he definitely saw me flail and pancake to the ground.

"Thank God, Anastasia," Christian yanks me to my feet and looks me over. "Where've you been?"

"I never left," I shrug.

"Told you she's a good hider," Kate smirks. "She's also tiny so she can fit anywhere."

"But everyone looked everywhere," Christian's confused. "Where were you?"

I don't think that I should announce to everyone here that I was in his only room with colour, the room I doubt anyone in here would know about other than his staff who would have to know. It is not exactly a family friendly room.

"Ana, I am so sorry. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad or anything. I was jut bugging my big ass brothers. I'm the baby, they leave me out a lot and it's annoying. It was just supposed to make them feel bad and guilty, not you," Mia hesitantly comes toward me. "I know it was stupid and childish, but I know pulling the parental card gets Elliot and the Mom card gets Christian. I promise I won't be like how I am with those losers with you. Okay?"

I nod, "It's alright Mia, you have a family way of working and communicating. I just. I'm sorry for freaking everyone out. It's more on me then you or anyone. All me."

Kate grabs my hand and leads me over to her parents and brother. We all say our hellos, I shake Ethan and Mr Kavanaugh's hands but hug Mrs Kavanaugh. Then Kate gently tugs me towards Christian and Elliot's parents.

"Ana, this is Doctor Grace Trevelyan-Grey and Carrick Grey, lawyer extraordinaire," Kate introduces. "Grace and Carrick, this is my friend and roommate Anastasia Steele."

"It's nice to meet you Dr Grey and Mr Grey," I nod at them.

"Oh it's Grace, dear," Dr Grey smiles, come towards me to hug me but I hide behind Kate. "Sorry Honey, Mia warned me. Whenever you're ready."

"You can call me Carrick, you're important to my children and my youngest son. I think we can be on a first name account," He smiles.

They aren't threatening creatures, no one in this room is but the touch thing is so complicated. I don't really know how to make it sound not crazy, other than I find soft and kind touches nearly intolerable. I'd rather feel the sting and burn after being hit, the ache in my lungs after being choked, the pulling from a healing cut; I know it's stupid but at least with pain I know what to expect and if you get used to kind and warm touches they could just turn on you and the pain could come back. Hugs and kindness usually makes my skin crawl, sets my body into overdrive, and then I just get set off on edge again. For some reason it's always been different with Christian, and it took months to be okay with Kate and that's why I'm so comfortable with her now and she's safe.

"How long was I hiding?" I ask Kate.

"Five hours, it's seven now and everyone is going to stay for dinner tonight. I'm staying at Elliot's but I will be back for breakfast. Okay?" She sits next to me at the table, Christian plops down on my other side. "Tomorrow we can figure out how to decorate your room and give you a proper tour of this place."

"How does he fill this place? Live all alone here?"

"His staff have a third of this floor and the second half of the second floor. Elliot did the renovations so it's like there is an apartment inside this one for Taylor, Gail, Sawyer, Ryan and I think two other security. He still has too much space and more money then brain cells, but that's who he is and who he has always been." She leans forward to look over at him. "What happened to your piano by the way? The looming emptiness in the corner is a dead give away."

"I broke it," Christian starts to eat the food in front of him.

How do you break a piano? And judging by the space it wasn't just a stand up piano but a baby grand, maybe even a grand, and the idiot broke it? Those things are solid, you'd have to turn into Thor or Captain America to break something that. Then again you'd have to be soulless to even consider breaking a piano.

"We have video if you want to see it," Elliot says. "Of Christian destroying that thing. CEO vs. Piano, although the CEO had implements of destruction and that poor piano had nothing to protect itself with."

"Why did you break it?" Ethan asks.

"It was from Elena."

Christian's confession silences the whole room and makes my skin crawl. Of course it isn't the same person, but that name has always triggered my gag reflex and makes me look over my shoulder to make sure that she won't be there. In one of my favourite films as a kid 'Baby Geniuses', the evil lady who experiments on the kids in her secret labs was named Elena. That and the one I know, makes me believe that all Elena's are evil and cruel animals.

"He's avoided getting another," Mia says. "He works to much anyway, I doubt he has time to play or shop for one."

"I think I'll go out and get one tomorrow," Christian takes my hand. "Ana plays fantastically, it would be good to get one that works for both of us and I know she wants one."

"How do you know I want one?" I ask, raising my brow.

He looks over at the coffee table behind me, the notebook that I was writing in on the plane, and then back at me only to shrug innocently. He read it! He knows all my stupid thoughts, ideas and wants! That is a gross invasion of privacy, even if I was originally writing this for him to help me. It doesn't matter! Gross invasion! He must think I'm a stupid child now, that I don't actually know anything. What if he let anyone else read it, and they know about how stupid and foolish I am?

We finish eating and those who want to have the apple pie that is offered start on that. I decline, which Christian isn't happy with, but I'm not in the mood for it.

"When did you learn how to play?" Dr Grey asks.

"I became interested while still living in France, but my lessons started when we were in Boston when I was eight. My mom played too," I answer.

"That's lovely dear, do you have a favourite composer? I know Christian has always loved Debussy."

"Mine would be Chopin," I smile.

Everyone's finished and the table is cleared, we're just hanging around the table and talking amongst each other.

"Chopin has some lovely pieces, maybe you can come out to our place in Bellevue and play for us there till you guys get a piano here."

"I'd like that, Dr Grey."

"That's wonderful. Now, I believe it is time that we take our leave. I have an early start at the hospital in the morning and need to get some sleep. Carrick, Mia, it's time we get on our way. Thank you for having us here," Dr Grey smiles.

"Awe, Mom, I want to stay and hang out more. I'll drive back later," Mia whines.

"Mia Faith!" Mr Grey scolds. "We've taught you better."

The Grey's get up to take their leave, Christian rises up too and walks away with them to escort them out and hopefully apologize some more for worrying them. I think he should be made to grovel for worrying them, but Mr and Dr Grey don't seem like those people who would make their kid grovel.

"Ana," Mrs Kavanaugh calls my attention, smiling. "If you need anything at all, any time, you can call us even if Kate isn't around. You're family Sweetheart, and it will be nice to have you close by for a while."

"If you need help too, or a job," Mr Kavanaugh adds. "Christian is a good man, honourable, but if he hurts you or frightens you he will answer to me. Also, don't let him work too much and ignore you. That's not right."

"Yes Mr K, Mrs K. I'll be sure to call Kate and then you guys if anything comes up," I nod. "She scares me more."

We all laugh and wait for Christian to come back. We collectively move to the living room and the monster sectional couch. Everyone has a cup of coffee or tea in their hand, it's relaxing. I set my cup down and quickly shove my notebook into my backpack. I don't know for sure who's read it but no more will, no one else needs to know.

"So Christian, who are you more afraid of, my sister or my father?" Ethan teases.

Christian plops down beside me, his arm resting on the back of the couch by me. His hand mindlessly twists and twirls in my hair.

"Kate, hands down. I wouldn't be surprised if she actually ripped my balls of and turned them into earrings if I hurt Ana," Christian jokes. "Don't get me wrong Mr Kavanaugh, you're scary too but she a devil."

"And don't you forget that," Kate laughs.

They all dive into a conversation about when they were kids and their interactions, they catch up on their lives now and on their businesses. Mr Kavanaugh and Christian seem to come to an agreement about media and our relationship, so from what I understand is that I won't be plastered across the headlines or mobbed by photographers when I go out. That both of them will do their absolute best to make sure I don't have to struggle with all that shit. They talk about me like I'm not in the room, like they're the only two here and it's frustrating because he keeps toying with my hair. Kate's over in the kitchen talking to her mom, to talk about something that I am also not a part of. I want to be considered, acknowledged, become an active participant in one of these conversations. Ethan and Elliot are joking around with each other and I wouldn't be surprised if they suddenly hit the floor and started to wrestle.

I can't control the yawns anymore. I thought that the nap I had in the red room would have woken me up more, but I feel beat and run over. If I knew where my room was I'd jut excuse myself and go to bed, but I don't know where anything is here. When Kate and her mom come back she can tell that I am dead on my feet.

"Grey, I'm going to show Ana her room before she crashes," Kate states.

"Okay," He kisses my forehead. "I'll check on you before I go to bed."

I nod and take Kate's proffered hand. We go down the hall to the left of the stairs and elevator, pass two doors on the right side of the wall and one on the left. When we stop there's a large set of double doors on either side of the hall from each other, mirror image. She opens the one on the right side, opening into what looks like a massive master suite.

"Christian's room is the room across the hall. He's close if you need anything and there is always security on duty," Kate explains. "Do you want me to close the curtains? They're blackout ones, no sunlight or city light can penetrate them."

"No. I don't want the dark."

"Okay. I'll be back in the morning, but call if you need me sooner. Okay?"

I nod, she leaves and closes the doors behind her. I quickly change into my pyjamas and crawl in deep under the covers. This bed is huge, not as bid as the one in the red room, but it's a king. The mattress is like a cloud, or a bed of cotton candy. It's pure comfort and I get to sleep in it. It's my bed.

* * *

 **AN: Good Evening Lovely's, thank you for the kind words.**

 **Readers are questioning Christian and whether or not he has Ana's best interest at heart, and of course he does. Soon everyone will have to face reality and question themselves.**

 **How did you like the parents?**

 **How do you thing Christian will bring up the notebook? Do you think Ana will first?**

 **Keep up the Reviews, PM's, Follows and Favourites. For being incredible readers you get two chapters tonight.**

 **-Mouse.**


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: As I promised my Lovely's, two chapters tonight for being wonderful.**

* * *

I fight my way out of the sheets, heart pounding and head reeling. I'm not in danger, not here. I'm at, in, Christian's castle in the sky. I'm safe. He won't hurt me, he won't let anyone hurt me. I'm okay. I run my fingers over the X scar by my left eye, the two inch one behind my right ear, the four inch one on the back of my neck that borders my hairline; all of them are from Elena. From that psychopath, he crazy eyes. Dread fills me as I stumble over to my door, out and over to Christian's, and into his room.

His curtains are closed, this room is cloaked in pitch darkness. I leave the door open behind me, the pathway of light leads right to his bed. Christian's star-fished out in the middle on his back, the comforter is strewn out on the floor, and the sheet covers him up to his bellybutton. His mouth is closed, chest and stomach rise and fall at a steady beat. He looks so peaceful, young, comfortable and carefree… Too bad it it not going to last long.

I creep to his bed and crawl over to where he lays in the center of his huge California King bed. I straddle his hips and reach up to brush his hair out of his face. He hums, a smile crosses his face as he sleeps, his erection growing under me. It feels so weird but right, I don't understand how something that normally sends into limbo and panic is not with him. I grind against him, he groans which is funny, but I want more.

"Christian," I whisper yell. I poke at his stomach but he just swats my hand away like a fly. "Christian, please wake up. I need you. I had a bad dream" I poke at his pecs, avoiding the little scars that mar his skin. It's not working. I pink his nostrils shut and shout, "Christian!"

He bolts upright, gasping for air. We're sitting nose to nose.

"Hello," I giggle.

"Ana?" He's still laced with sleep. "What's wrong?"

I look down at where I'm sitting, them over at my hands. I swear I can feel his pulse through his erection and into my core. It's hot and makes me all flustered.

"I had a bad dream," I admit. "And I like it when you hold me. When you make me feel safe. When we cuddle."

He lifts my chin so I can look at him and him me. He pecs the end of my nose and I smile, it feels light and childish but I can feel deep down that he cares.

"Do you want to stay here and cuddle or go back into your room?" He asks, more awake in both heads. "Lady's choice."

"Your rooms really dark."

"Okay," He stands up, holding me so our cores are still touching, rubbing. "Your room it is, and if we stay up long enough we may catch the sunrise."

He kicks my door closed behind him, tosses me on the bed and adjusts himself before crawling up behind me. I wrap my arms around him, he holds me close and I'm not scared about any of this. Nothing about him makes sense for me, he doesn't make me want to run for the hill or cry. I don't want to hide from him, not really, not in the same sense as physically running and hiding. I don't think that makes sense.

"Do you want to talk about them? Your dreams or nightmares?" He asks.

"No."

"Okay. Do you want to talk about anything? Do anything?"

"Will you do really kinky things to me in your Red Room of Pain, enough to make me see stars again?" I blurt, blush, cover my mouth and then try to scoot away from him but he doesn't let go of me. His whole body is frozen and tense. "I'm sorry. I didn't… ignore me."

"I've been trying to figure out all night where you were hiding," His voice feels very distant. "My guys are good at finding people, and that door is supposed to always be locked. When they checked it they said it was locked."

"Well, I locked it as soon as I went into it," I mutter to myself.

"You're not freaking out from it."

"Certain things in there, they'd have to go, but it doesn't scare me. I told you I want the whole Dom thing, that was prepared for it. You just need to print it off an I can sign it."

"I don't think your ready," He looks a me. "We're doing this one small step at a time."

I kind of guess that's fair. I don't know if I really want to lose my virginity in the middle of a BDSM situation, but I want to do it for him. He has that room for a reason. He has those needs and wants for a reason. I need to be there for him, do things for him and be who he needs me to be and if it's that then so be it. If it means pretending like the canes and belts don't scare the fuck out of me so he can hit me with them I will. It's want he wants, needs, it's clear seeing as that room is the most designed, thought out, and cared for in this whole place. It's the only room that's not void.

"I want to. I want you to fuck me, and if it means it's like that just do it already. I don't get what you're waiting for."

"You don't deserve to lose your virginity in a scene, Anastasia. I thought you trust me to know what's best for you."

"Well, I don't think you're right with this," I shrug.

"Really?" The way he says that, it's a challenge but I don't know what he's challenging.

Does he not want me? Is that what this is all about in reality? It would answer why he is fighting this so much, why he hasn't actually fucked me yet. I mean sure, he made me cum while we were in Florida, but he hasn't with me. I've pretty much offered myself up on a silver platter and he hasn't taken it, that means he doesn't want me. I'm not attractive enough or good enough for him and once he 'fixes' me then I am booted. It's too much to understand and be okay with, I'm not okay with it.

"Hey, stop thinking so hard," He quickly kisses my lips and pulls away. "It's not like what you're coming up with."

I don't believe that. I don't believe him. I am so stupid. I am no where near the level of girl that Christian wants or needs, I'm too messed up and damaged to be the girl to carry on the Grey name by giving him little Grey heirs. I'm an idiot. I knew this before, saw it coming, and yet I chose to ignore it until I was so turned on I would spread out for him anywhere and then the truth is forced onto me.

"I think I want to be alone," I wiggle away from him and hug myself.

"Anastasia…"

"No, Christian. I get it. I'm fine, just go back to bed and sleep."

"You're shutting down. Shutting me out," He seems affronted.

"I'm protecting myself," I keep my back to him, he can't see these tears. "I always knew the truth, the reality. I'm okay. Just give me space."

The bed shifts and moves but he never gets off it. He's still her, not leaving and bugging me now. I want to scream and shout, tell him to go and fuck himself. Tell him to go and find the person who can make him happy, who can make him proud and produce heirs.

"Don't shut me out," He snaps.

"Fuck off Christian! Leave me alone! Go fuck the perfect little submissive and live happily ever after, we all know that's how your fucking life is going to end!" I shriek.

"Do not speak to me in that tone," He moves around the bed and kneels by my head, his eyes are black and scary. "I won't be talked to like that in my home."

"So what? I don't fucking care, Mr Grey, if you kick me out. Just do it. I have survived on the streets before, I know what you have to do to make it out there. Go fuck yourself," I spit.

"You're so sure of yourself, aren't you? Sure that what ever happens in that overactive head of yours is the truth. Have we not been in this fucking situation before?"

"Fuck off before I do, and I won't regret leaving all of you behind and not looking back! If I'm lucky some one will kill me by weeks end."

He sits back, less confrontational, but still keeps me ready and alert for anything. As long as he doesn't touch me we will be fine for a bit. I don't need him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay and that I am just overreacting. I just need him to tell me to fuck off and I will, seeing as he doesn't take well to hearing those words when they're directed at him. It's two words that he needs to say 'Leave Ana' and then I am gone and he will never have to see me again. I thought… well I thought that his erection meant he felt the same way but I bet he was dreaming of his perfect girl and was disappointed to wake up to me.

"You never wanted anything like the document offered, not that or your normal one, not with me. I figured it out, why you haven't made me sign it so then you don't have to worry about how to break it to me when you end it after nothing. Five days, five days and you have both enlightened and destroyed my life," I sneer.

He's up now, pacing, trying to rip his hair out. One side of the room to the other, step-yank-step-huff-yank-growl-step. It's not long till he breaks now, he's going to hit me. I've seen this same pacing thing in Bennett, he snaps and I end up in the hospital. He just needs to snap already, I'm prepared for the hit. I know he'll break something since he's made of muscle but it's not the first time and won't be the last.

"Just hit me already!" I shout.

"I don't want to hit you, Anastasia!" He thunders. "I could never hit you. I walk around with a fucking hard on when around you. I don't want to push you to have sex, and no, I don't think you're ready. I don't think you realize what it means to have sex and to have that connection to someone, and I will not do that because you throw a temper fit over it. Don't ever think I could lay a hand on you in that way ever again!"

"You don't know what I think or how feel," I whisper, curling into the smallest ball I ever have before. "It's like I'm always being rejected by you."

"I don't mean to have you feel that way, I am just trying to care for you and I don't think you understand what it would mean if you had my strict Dom/sub contract. If we had that I would have you over my knee right now for how you've talked to me."

"Why haven't you?" I ask. "Isn't that what ours says, that you'll discipline me for unkind and poor behaviour? You don't even keep to your own rules, so how am I supposed to figure this out when I never know where we stand."

He sighs and throws himself onto the bed, the other side of the bed from me.

"Today I have someone coming over to talk to you. Until you and him talk I don't know how we're working out, just know that I won't leave you no matter how this ends." He has his arms covering his eyes, his face. Who the hell is he making me talk to that makes him act like this. "You'll have to sign some forms so that he can talk plans and such with me. I can swear to you that I trust him with everything and helped me get over shit too. If this doesn't work I can call my sparring partner and you can beat him up." He looks at me. "And so you know, when we have sex the first time will be in my control and it will be romantic."

He said when we have sex, not if but when. There is only one obstacle that I have to bullshit my way through first.

* * *

 **AN: Trouble in paradise, time to bring in that expensive charlatan.**

 **Question Time**

 **1 How do you think Ana will take to Flynn?**

 **2 What is Flynn going to suggest in turn of Ana's care?**

 **3 Is this where everything changes?**

 **4 How would you guys feel about a Christian POV or Flynn POV after Flynn and Ana have a talk?**


	18. Chapter 18

I stick to grey running leggings, my burgundy high-school tank top, and a black and white plaid flannel. Comfortable for the inevitable suffering that is to come. I know it's coming, he called in a shrink so it has to be coming. There is so much tension in the air here that I feel like I am suffocating. Kate and Elliot are here for now, but whenever the goon gets here they're going out for a while. Christian and I have avoided the topic, all topics, all morning. He just keeps asking if I'm okay and I bluntly tell him no.

"Mr Grey, John is on his way up now," Sawyer announces.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I'm fine, whoever this is doesn't need to know anything . If I believe everything I tell him then the charlatan will believe it too, he's not special and there is no way of knowing if he hasn't interacted with me before. Believe the lies, make him go away. It will all be okay, I can't lose everything but talking to a shrink again.

"John," Christian moves to shake hands with the man.

Elliot and Kate move to say hello too, they clearly know him though. Their body language reads comfort, and I know Kate. She knows him and I don't know why. Why would the Grey's and Kavanaugh's all know the same shrink? How good can this guy be?

I get up and walk over to the group.

"You must be Ana," John smiles, he's Irish. Somewhere around Cork. "I'm John, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"You too," I hold my hand out for him to shake, he does but we're both trying to read each other. "I'm assuming you know more about me then I you."

"I'd agree with you there. Katherine and Christian called me yesterday, something about you disappearing."

"Yeah, well Christian and Kate have the habit of overreacting over small things. They also are smothering and aren't keen on space."

"You're a bit of a spit-fire, aren't you."

"Well, you're an expensive charlatan and I'm young and free. I don't just sit and let shit happen if that's what you expected."

"No, but I was told that you were quiet, timid and skittish."

Elliot and Kate take their leave, fast. I think our kind conversation was making them feel a little awkward. We all go and sit on the sectional and give John a minute to pull things out of his briefcase. Dress this guy up in a suit and a bit of a beard and he'd be the same guy we all had to talk to during Elena's trial. FUCK.

"Flynn," I sigh. "Why are you here?"

"I wonder how long it would take you," He smirks. "I brought your file but won't disclose anything with Christian that you wish to keep private, even if it everything."

"This isn't fair," I pout.

"Maybe not, but I need you to sign these two forms to give me permission to talk with Christian about what we talk about and you ways to help you," He hands me two forms and a pen. "We can also talk in front of Christian or he can bugger off."

I laugh, I love British terms, they're way more entertaining to me then they should be. I guess that's what I get for having my head stuffed in British Literature for the last seven years of my life. It's polite with a bite.

It's not fair with this being Flynn, he already knows everything about me. He tried to shove labels down my throat. He said I had PTSD, DID, Social Anxiety, Selective Mutism, and about a dozen phobias to sprinkle on top. This nutter wanted to hospitalize and medicate me as if I were a schizophrenic or bipolar. as soon as his offers were all laid out I stopped talking to him, going to his stupid appointments. I didn't want his bullshit then and I don't want ti now. It will ruin what I have with Christian.

I scribble out my signature, not really reading what the forms say, but Christian needs to know what Flynn says for me to stay here with him, and for us to have a future. I pass both back to him and he puts them neatly in my folder.

"Do you want Christian her Ana?" Flynn asks. "We can find a more private setting if you prefer that."

I shake my head, "I'm fine if he stays and I'm fine here." I take a moment to breathe before looking at Christian. "Did you get a background check on me? Read it? Find out all my dirty little secrets and do this to get your fucking kicks?"

"No, I don't know how you know John, he's my therapist. There's a background check for security purposes but I told you before that I would never read it. I want to hear everything from you, not from paper," Christian shouts.

"Why does it feel like a set up then?" I can shout with him.

Flynn holds up his hands, both of us slouch down into the couch and glare at him. Flynn looks like he is having a hoot with both of us, trying to communicate with us both.

"Well, I can see that I am currently a sore topic so with both of your permissions I shall throw you both under the bus at the same time," He looks at both of us, Christian nods and I shrug. "I was introduced to both of you at the same time, as your doctors, for the same trial. Both of you are victims of Elena Lincoln but at different points in your lives and in different ways. I was able to work with Christian three times a week for the first year after the trial but Ana grew out of the system and ran off before we could work through her issues."

"Elena?" Christian looks like he's been stabbed. "Ana, do you understand what happened with her? How what she did hurt you?"

"Of course. She was a sick perverted bitch who I hope gets shanked in her cell. She wasn't a huge impact on me, it was the other kids, the boys, in the home I was in," I'm confused but that question. "I don't want to talk about her, that's not what's wrong here. It's not my issue anymore _John_ , I've never had issues getting over my time with her."

"I know, and Christian her experience and yours are very different. We can talk about it later in a private session so you can process it more. What is bugging you, Ana?"

"Everything. I'm not in control. I don't feel safe or comfortable anymore. My anxiety is at it's highest point. I'm scared all the time. I feel alone no matter what bullshit anyone tells me. I'm tired even after I sleep," I pause. "I know my issues. I just don't want to talk about it with you. I don't trust you."

"But you trust Christian? I've never seen you this calm and I think if he left us you would not be like this. He's good for you, but it's not enough for you is it?"

"Can I plead the fifth?" I ask.

"You're not on trial."

"But I don't want to make myself look stupid, or be gullible like I already know I am."

"Christian showed me the list you made, goals and such."

"Oh God," I groan and hide my face in my hands.

"We're going to get no where with me," Flynn sighs. "Christian and I are going to go to his office and talk, I am going to recommend a female therapist for you to meet with twice weekly. Ana, I won't take you away from Christian or send him away, but I am going to take the other things I know from before and come up with a game plan. You're dismissed Anastasia."

"Why thank you Flynn," I roll my eyes and stomp out to my room.

Stupid Flynn and his stupid words and talking things through. I guess having someone to talk to that knows their mental shit would be good, but if they break that trust and tell me I need severe clinical help again I am done. I can't feel that pain of someone who is supposed to be a professional giving up on me. Whatever his plan is I hope that it doesn't take everything from me, not what I finally have.

FLYNN POV

I watch Anastasia, one of my most stubborn patients, walk away. Seeing her interact with a man that she trusts was a new experience, it's at least a step forward for her. She still is holding everything too close to her chest and while she may believe that it is helping her, it will inevitably be her downfall. The mind is complex and can handle a lot of shit, but it can still break if you don't release some of that pressure and tension that is building up.

"Christian? Shall we talk in your office?" I ask.

He's going to struggle with the idea that Elena has harmed her as well, I feel as though we are going to have to start up weekly sessions again until Ana is back on track and he understands that he's not a fault for Elena hurting her. He looks numb and I need to change that before I let them roam around freely with each other, he can't put a mask on with her because it will harm both of them.

We go into his office and sit on opposite couches, I want to wait for him to start talking— I should wait for him to start talking, but if I wait for him we may be in here for twelve hours.

"Elena and Ana had a very slight time where they were together, where Elena abused Ana but Anastasia has always seen it in that light. I am not worried about that part, but I do think that some point you should talk to her about it," I start.

"Of course, I just need it to sink in a bit more. I didn't realize that her grasp was that wide spread, but it makes sense with what you said. She looked for the weak and struggling youth and what better place to look then foster car," He sighs, running his hands through his hair.

"Your interactions with Elena created a bond, as we've discussed it was like a Stockholm Syndrome. Anastasia never suffer sexual abuse, from Elena it was physical and mental, thus it created a Dissociative Identity Disorder. Ana can withdraw into he mind, act completely different then normal, and when she feels safe again she comes too and it's like a gap of time she does not remember. It protected her to feel the full effects of the abuse, it protected her," I explain.

"Is there any way I can tell when that happens?"

"Her eyes glaze over, she stands straighter, sits straighter, and is very orderly; I've witnessed it once, so I can't give you much."

"What else should I know? She wants a sexual, romantic relationship, John. I don't want to break her if I try."

"Well, I think that you need to listen to her with that one. She has no history of that type of abuse, go slow like you would any girl you could be courting. If she tells you to stop, stop. I think the most important thing you can do is communicate, listen, and open opportunities for her to talk with you. She trusts you more then I have seen with anyone she has interacted with, it's big for her."

"Okay, what do I do about the list?"

"She's smart, she knows what she wants and what stops her is what stops you. She overthinks everything and thinks that what she want's isn't worth it. She doesn't believe that she deserves anything, in turn that confuses her greatly in her mind. A lot of what she wants to do would work great as varied therapies. I would get a piano, dance classes, art therapy, physical therapy, exercise, and animal therapy. Open as many paths as you can for her, but you can't push her or force her into anything. Is there anything you're not telling me?"

He looks stunned that I could notice that, but he looks guilty, that he is hiding something from me which won't help me help the both of them.

"She's gotten into drugs and drinking, it's how I met her. I may have offered her something that I don't know I can commit to with her. I don't want to hurt her and now knowing all this fucking shit I really feel like I'd ruin her."

"Can I see or can you tell me what you offered her?"

He logs into his laptop, moves somethings around and then hands it. There are two documents pulled up on the screen, a draft one and two. I read through it, and to say that he is descriptive would be an understatement. He goes through every little thing, down to many interactions.

"The second draft is what I did after our talk when she read the first one. She is upset with me that I am not holding myself to this even though neither of us have signed it."

"I can see your concerns, I can also see where this could be helpful," I sigh. "Don't look at her like a submissive. Look at her like the woman you clearly love, but she is still just a little kid in some ways. Your parents taught you how to take care of yourself, let you know someone loved you even though you didn't believe it. They helped you with your homework, supported you with music, language, sport, and anything else. They never missed a game, performance or presentation. Ana never had that, she's a lost little girl who needs support and to find her footing. I can see her thriving in a relationship with structure, order, you just need to be careful and aware of your forms of discipline. You and I both know that Elena had a think for canes, whips, paddles and belts, if she sees you raise any of those I can tell you that she will be gone and never trust you again."

"Okay. Do you know what she wants in a relationship? I mean, has she ever talking about it with you or what before?"

"I do, but I think that would be a good conversation for you to have with her," I think we're pretty much wrapped up here. "Just remind her every day that you're there for her and you love her. I think I can go now, you and I should see each other again later this time next week."

"I'll have Andrea set up an appointment. Thank's for coming John."

We leave his office, and as we walk to the elevator we catch Anastasia out on the balcony leaving off the dining area. I dismiss Christian and watch him go over to her, there is no way she could see or hear him coming but she doesn't react how I expect when he wraps his arms around her. I take a deep breath, they're going to be good. They're stubborn but they'll get through fire and water together, especially if she is not afraid of him.

* * *

 **AN: Here you are Lovely's, with a bit of Flynn. I hope you guys liked it. I find it difficult to write from a male perspective and seeing as I only too psychology in the eleventh and twelfth grades I'm no expert. I do however know what it is like living with PTSD and Anxiety. I know what helps and how to get through things.**

 **Contemplations**

 **1 What do you think Christian is going to do?**

 **2 Do you think Ana is going to still trust him?**

 **3 Don't you guys think it is time for some steamy lemons?**


	19. Chapter 19

Christian wraps his arms around me and it didn't scare me. It's weird, I mean it sounds weird, but I swear I could feel his closeness before I even knew he was out here with me. It's like my spidey-senses were tingling, or however that goes. I didn't have to jump or scream because I knew it was him, like somewhere deep in me I knew and it's never been that way with anyone else before. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Kiss-nibble, kiss-nibble, kiss-nibble; Christian starts a my shoulder and then works his way up my neck and to my ear where he sucks my lobe into his mouth and then nibble on the tender skin. Whatever he is trying to do, he has accomplished on creating a tether right to my core as my insides clench and panties dampen. My knees are weak and I'm now holding onto the railing for dear life because if he keeps this up I am going to crumble into a wet and horny mess.

"Get dressed," He breathes in my ear, sending rippling shivers down my spine. "I have plans for us today."

"Plans?" I squeak.

"Yes," He leans back. "We're going out for a bit, we need to get ready to go out."

He takes my hand and leads me inside to my room, I want him to stay with me and continue that magic trick he was pulling out on the balcony but I know that I can't. He has plans. Plans, a surprise, they all seem to be the same thing to him since he never tells me what his plans are. Maybe he'll let me paint my room one day, when he trusts me again.

I change into fresh panties, dark blue skinny jeans, black bra, white blouse, dark brown knee-high leather boots and dark brown leather jacket. I throw my phone up into a messy bun and load my purse up with mostly things I do not need but want to bring anyway. Christian is waiting for me by the elevator with Taylor and Sawyer, I guess we can't go anywhere without them ever. I don't know if I am going to be okay with that, it's like there is never going to be a thing such as privacy again.

In the elevator we go up instead of down, to the room, like crazy people. I'm sure that this is all fun and games for them but it seems weird. When the elevator doors glide open I've lost all power of… anything. I'm frozen, staring at a helicopter with the same logo as his plane. Is this seriously how he travels around Seattle? _Oh, I'm feeling peckish for a spot of McDonalds. Francesco, would you mind bringing the helicopter around? Oh, jolly good._ I break into a fit of giggles as Christian leads me to the front door, Taylor and Sawyer are getting in the back. Christian lifts me up and straps me in, his hands brushing against my core and breasts with that stupid smirk on his face. Is this, turn Ana on all day, day? When Christian gets in next to me I start to really freak, he's flying this thing.

"You? You're flying," I gasp.

"Yes, now put the headphones on that will swamp your head and don't touch anything unless you want all of us to plummet to our deaths," He teases.

Five minutes of air time later and we're landing on top of another huge glass building in downtown Seattle, and no one is telling me where we are or why we're here. Christian unbuckles me from my restraints and lifts me out onto the helipad. He pushes me up against the helicopter, lips crashing down upon mine. His tongue traces my lips, he taps my ass and I gasp. He takes every opportunity offered and starts to massage my mouth with his tongue and squeeze my ass. The most passionate kiss that we have shared to date, and these panties are ruined.

"Where are we?" I ask, gasping for air.

"Grey House, welcome to my empire," He smiles. "I already told Ros and Andrea that I won't be in the office for the next two weeks, but it doesn't hurt for a surprise visit from the CEO to make sure everyone is actually working."

"That sounds evil," I laugh, he's pulling me towards the elevator. "Who are Ros and Andrea?"

"You'll meet them in less than five minutes. You'll me those two and Olivia, Gwen, Barney and Welch. They're who I word the most with."

We only go down one floor, kind of like back at Escala. When we exit into a lobby type area, it's white and grey and black here too. Has this bozo never heard of something called colour? It's sterile, I guess it is kind of modern but this is extreme.

"You really need to hang out in a paint store and discover the rainbow," I role my eyes.

"Careful, don't get yourself into trouble now Miss Steele."

"Whatever you say, Mr Grey," I tease.

There are two blondes behind the large reception desk who look at Christian with fear, at least I assume it's fear. They were definitely not expecting him, and when I turn to look over at Taylor and Sawyer they're actually gone.

"Mr Grey? We weren't expecting you at the office today," The blonde at the main desk speaks up. "Can I get either of you anything to drink?"

"It's okay, we're not here long. Andrea, this is Anastasia Steele. If she is to call or stop by while I am working, she is to be passed through to me immediately. Understand?" Christian orders. "Where's Ros?"

"Right here," A tall, slender woman struts down the hall emanating power. "What happened to taking time off, personal issues, and whatever other bullshit you told me over the phone." She stops in front of me and holds out her hand, I cling to Christian who gently shakes his head and she drops her hand. "I'm Ros, his brain and better half while at work. You're gorgeous, you did well Christian."

"Thank you?" I squeak.

"Roslyn, stop flirting or I'll tell your wife," Christian sounds jealous. "Anastasia, this is Roslyn Bailey, my COO who has been here since the start of GEH."

"Get off it Grey, she'd call your girl gorgeous too," She pokes at him. "Here to scare your employees or introduce Anastasia here to me because you know I'm the better option."

She's nice, her raven hair is pulled back into a tight bun and she's dressed like a powerful business woman in a navy skirt suit. The elevator dings, announcing an arrival, and woman around the same height as Ros steps out. Her skin is dark, probably half African-American because her hair is big and curly, she goes right to Ros and kisses her cheek.

"Gwen, meet Anastasia. She is Christian's girlfriend who is gorgeous but he thinks I'll get in trouble with you," Ros introduces me.

"Gwen is the head of my PR Department, who we do need to talk to," Christian whispers in my ear. "We need her to come out with a press release about our relationship."

"What? Why?" I gasp.

"Because, it will be easier on you if the press have answers and you're not hounded when you go out. It's to protect you, and when we're done with Gwen we have another couple stops to make," He explains. "Gwen, my office, and Ros if you want to you can join."

"Of course I'm coming, I want to hear the gossip from the horses mouth."

Christian pulls me through two large doors, and I can say without him holding me I would have went from two feet onto my face while being distracted by his view. His office is huge, has floor to ceiling windows, and overlooks all of Seattle and out to the Sound. I ignore everything that they talk about, I'm to excited to be up this high and am pressing my nose against the glass like a five year old. I hear them leave but I don't bother to turn and look, the people on the ground look like ants and watching them all shuffle and interact is entertaining. You can create little stories from watching them. I feel him press up behind me.

"If we didn't have an appointment somewhere, and if you weren't a virgin I'd fuck you up agains this glass right now," He breathes in my ear. "But we have to get going."

"You really need to stop doing things like that. I am far past sexually frustrated and I don't like it," I pout.

We pull up to the Bellevue Steinway and Sons store, and while the sign says that it's close we all walk in. We're not in there long before Christian is filling out forms for delivery, payment and whatever else. I'm prancing around playing twinkle twinkle little star on all of them, and I think I have seen Taylor and Sawyer break into smiles. On the concert grand, I play the Halloween theme song and I laugh at myself. This is so much fun, we should hang out a piano stores more often. I am way to entertained being in this shop.

"Ready to go out to dinner?" Christian asks, pulling my attention away from the piano. "You can choose where we eat tonight."

"If I asked to go to McDonald's, you'd take me?" I smile.

"Anything for you, but I have plans for when we get home"

"Home?"

"Yeah. Escala is your home now too. Our home."

* * *

 **AN: My Lovely's, I know you wanted lemons this chapter but I want to make it right. Tomorrow morning, Ana and Christian jump all in.**

 **Keep up the Reviews, loving every one of them.**

 **-Mouse**


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: Some Lemons for my Lovely's. Thank you all for sticking this out.**

* * *

My heart can't beat any faster then it is right now, it's like a mouse heart. Instead of the distinct thump thump it would be a humming. I'm not the only one effected by this elevator ride, Christian is trying very hard at a controlling his breathing. Floors keep passing by: 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, PH. He takes my hand, kisses the top of my hand and them flips it over and kisses my palm before pulling me out and pressing me against the wall of the foyer.

He traps my hands with his, my body is caged. He stops me from being able to do anything but kiss him and that's alright for now, but I swear to God that if he makes me all wet and ready to go again only to stop I will call Kate to rip his balls off. I couldn't do that to him, especially since I have never seen his, or any guys, special area. His erection is pressing against my stomach, and I think it's large but I don't want to sound like a ditz and ask. I use my legs and the wall as leverage to grind up against him, making him growl. Fuck that's hot.

"If you stop," I pant, pausing from the kiss. "I'm calling Kate."

"I don't plan on stopping," He kisses my nose. "Come."

He lifts me up, and on pure instinct I wrap my legs around his hips, grinding my core against his as we walk. _God, I know I have fucked up a lot these last ten years but please don't stop this. Please don't let me die a virgin. Please don't let me lose Christian. I think I have some… really strong heart feelings for him. Also, this just feels right and right is good right now._ I kind of want him to carry me up stairs to the Red Room, but I don't bother asking since I know that he'd just stop. One day though, maybe as a late birthday present or maybe for Christmas. I've never celebrated either but I would for him, I'd celebrate anything if it meant feeling like this. Feeling alive.

He sets me down outside our bedroom doors, we're panting and yet there is nothing really happening between us at this moment. My whole body feels as though electricity is zinging through every nerve and every cell. Everything is alive, alight with fire and passion. It's both suffocating and liberating, and in this moment, a moment where I normally feel scared is where everything feels right and all the pieces and cogs work when I thought that they were broken. I didn't know it was possible for me to feel this way.

"Don't be mad, but I asked Kate how to do this whole romance and slow thing. She came by tonight to help set everything up," He admits.

"Romance thing?" I smile.

He swings open the door to his room, stepping back for me to go in first and is quick to close and lock the door behind him. There are hundreds of candles scattered around the room, large ones illuminating the darkest corners from the inside of hurricane vases. The curtains are closed, incasing us in our own world. Instead of the stereotypical, cliche, roses that would normally be scattered, there's a variety of white, purple, pink and blue wildflowers all over the room. Over the bed is a canopy made of white/purple hanging wisteria's with fairy lights woven in. It's like a scene from a novel, romance and innocence. Kate knows what she is doing, that and her mother's event florist.

"This is for me?" I gasp.

"I'd move mountains for you," He kisses my neck.

"Please," I whimper.

He gently slides my jacket off of my shoulders, dropping it to the ground. He grips the bottom of my blouse and pulls it over my head, dropping it to the ground. I'm panting as he walks around to stand in front of me and drop to his feet, helping me out of my boots. Picking me up to gently lay me down on the bed, taking my jeans with him as he stands up. He removes everything, leaving him in his white Calvin Klein boxers.

He falls over me, planking, and unclasps my bra and off it goes. He pulls back to sit on his knees, sliding off my ruined panties as he goes. He doesn't just toss them, he smells them and moans. I want to say that it's gross, but it's such a turn on that he does that.

"Fuck Ana, you smell so good, so sweet," He growls, stripping from his boxers.

His… thing, is at attention, and he strokes it proudly while standing over me. It's big, really big, _that_ has to be above average. He grabs a remote from the bedside table, Frank Sinatra starts to croon in the background, _Nice 'N' Easy_. I smile at his music choice, Sinatra has always calmed me down.

He moves me to lay in the center of the bed, he crawls up my body allowing _it_ to lay against my stomach. His mouth crashes against mine, his hands stroking down my body. He pinches my nipples and I'm almost over the edge. I keep squeezing my legs together, wiggling, aiming for some type of friction and release. He kisses, nibbles and sucks at my skin going down my neck, to my collar bone, down the valley between my breasts. His right hand moves between my legs to nudge them open, cup my core and stroke my folds. His thumb presses, circle, my clit and my whole body gets a jump start of I don't know. My core is clenching, pulsing my whole body is shaking. He's already given me an amazing orgasm, relaxing my whole body.

"I'm going to put a condom on, and then this might hurt," He warns.

I shake my head, "I have an IUD, that whole hyman thing is gone. I was too forgetful for the pill and couldn't get the shot cause of the moody depression stuff."

He runs his erection up and down my folds, holding down my hips so I can't just raise up and let him in. He presses the head of _it_ against my clit, the bastard loves to tease. He slid the head in, resting for a minute, leaning to kiss each eyelid, my nose and them mouth before slowly siding all the way in. I have no idea how he fits all in me but it is and… Wow.

So slow, so gentle, he takes his time to suckle and play with each breast. Not leaving any part of me unattended. My s are rolling in the back of my head, I can feel all of him as he slowly thrusts in me. I can feel the head, his veins, all of him.

"Fa… faster," I mewl.

"No Ana, slow," He nibbles my ear. "Feel this. Every breath and every thrust. Feel the connection, the love, the hope." I groan, meeting his thrusts. "It's just you and me Baby." He's grunting, I open my eyes and they instantly meet his. "You feel incredible Ana, so tight and wet. All mine. Cum baby, cum for me. I am not lasting long this time, you're too perfect."

"Christian," I whimper, I have no idea what is happening to my body. "Please."

"It's okay. Keep your eyes open, look at me. Let go," He soothes.

I can feel everything break, crash as I cum in the most violent form yet. I can feel it start in my toes, shooting to my core and in my stomach. I'm shaking, muscles clenching and unclenching as I see white, black and stars. I can feel him pulse in me, like he's growing more in me before shooting his warm load that coats my walls. I can't tell if I'm screaming, if he's saying anything, I can feel my heart and hear it beat loud and strong. It's just him and me and oblivion. My whole body falls, from feeling alight, my mind-blowingly numb, to peace.

He slips from me, taking away an incredible connection that I want to keep. _I Got You Under My Skin_ is playing in the background as we catch our breaths, find the energy to speak or moan. It's official, sex is better then any drug.

"So? You like that?" He pants.

"Better than anything. Why the hell would you ever make me wait for that?" My throat and lungs are still burning for air. "I feel like I'm on cloud nine."

"I'm going to run us a bath," He pecks my cheek. "I'll be right back."

He walks to his ensuite in all his naked glory, unfazed by it. I rest back on the pillows, closing my eyes not letting go of the past I don't know how long. I just want to be able to relive it again and again, to feel every touch and every kiss. It's at least a good thing I was on my back, he was paying so much attention to my body he would have seen how fucked my back is. In the bath I was surrounded by bubbles, that night in Florida I was on my back, and I use a sunscreen that has some colour too it so it his them when in a swimsuit. I don't want him to be upset with me because of them.

"Ready?" He saunters into the room.

"Too far," I sigh, begging for sleep to take me.

He scoops me up in his arms bridal style, carrying me into his giant bathroom and large tub. You could probably have four people in here, and then there is the walk-in-shower that's beautiful. He sits behind me, I'm between his legs resting back against his chest. I focus on him, on his breathing, and match it with my own. His erection is growing again behind me, pressing into my back. Is he ever not wanting to go at it?

"Can I ask something?" I swivel to look at him.

"You just did, but go on."

"Can our next time be in the red room?"

His breath hitches, body tenses, but erection grows. Clearly his heads are disagreeing with each other right now and he doesn't know which one to listen to. I grab _it_ and run my hands up and down making him pant. While he's somewhat distracted I quickly straddle him and sink down on him. I nuzzle into his neck and bite his shoulder, I feel so full and stretched.

"Anastasia," He moans, his head falling back. "This isn't playing fair."

I kiss and suck on his stubbly neck, rocking back and forth making me lose my own train of thought. He starts to thrust up into me, his hands on my hips to control me.

"When did we ever agree to playing fair?" I mumble into his mouth.

He leans back and holds me still, "I don't need that."

"But I want it," I shrug. "Please?"

I look up into his eyes, giving him the best puppy eyes and pout I can, clenching my core around him. He's losing his strength, his will to hold to his ideas and his all mighty Grey way.

"You're going to be the death of me," I rolls his eyes, I flick his nose. "Fine, but after the bath we're going to bed. We'll go in once I finish changing some things in there."

"Yay," I beam.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," He jokes. "Now, how about you finish what you started?"

He moves my hands to hold onto the sides of the tub, I cock my head to the side to understand why. His hands hold tight on my hips as he pistons himself into me making me squeak and moan. I'm a goner twice before he shoots into me, and I'm exhausted. No energy, no muscles left. He gently washes himself and me, lifting me out and setting me on the counter to dry me off and then carries me out to the couch by his window. I watch him slip into flannel pyjama pants, take the comforter off the bed and change the sheets that are soiled with our fluids, and pull one of his t-shirts over my head.

We're both in his bed at peace. The candles around the room have mostly burnt down and put themselves out, Sinatra is still playing, and I don't think I've felt this liberated before falling asleep but I don't want to. I don't want to sleep and lose tonight.

"Sleep Blue, I'm not going anywhere. You're okay," He hums sweet messages in my ear.

What puts me over into sweet serenity is when he sings along to _Witchcraft_ , his voice is incredible and soft. I can't fight the weight on my eyes anymore and sleep, curled into the most amazing man I've ever met.

* * *

 **AN: I hoped you enjoyed this you guys. I have truly loved your support and kind words.**

 **Coming Up, I will warn you that there is going to be a small time jump of a month but you won't miss anything. It will just be their real beginning.**

 **Review. Private Message.**

 **Food for Thought**

 **1 How do you think our favourite couple will deal with Christian's return to work?**

 **2 Red Room with Kinky Fuckery or heavy BDSM?**

 **3 Do we, or do we not, think it's time for an outside obstacle? Who or What do you think it could be?**

 **Lots of Love**

 **-Mouse**


	21. Chapter 21

**ONE MONTH LATER**

Christian's going back to work in the morning, two weeks ago he started working from home and last week he started doing conference and video calls, but starting in the morning he is gone for the whole day. I've talked to Gail about this, she says when he does into the office he can be gone from seven in the morning till eleven at night. Everyone who I have talked to says that he works more then he's home, and when he is home he is in his office. We've been doing so good, and the sex is amazing, but all of that is going to be done with when he goes back. I'll be here all day and all alone… kind of. I'll be here all day at least and it always feels like I'm alone when Christian isn't here or Kate. One of them has been with me this past month and now I'm being placed in a boat and pushed out to sea and told that I have to survive on my own.

Christian's sound asleep in his room, but I couldn't sleep last night. I didn't, don't, want to sleep just in case he leaves without saying goodbye or anything. I don't want to even think about having to wake up and him just being gone. It makes me feel sick, and lately my anxiety is actually making me vomit. I get that worked up over the stupid things and it's a mess. I'm a mess. It's infuriating because I can't control it. All I do is worry him, worry everyone, and I'm going to be the reason that everyone else fails. I'm a failure. Sure I talk to my new therapist, Lucy Daniels, about this all the time. We see each other every Monday and Friday for some very draining sessions but she can't always figure me out which makes sense. I also have a hard time unscrambling my own brain and even though I try hard, we always run in circles. Three weeks ago we started music therapy, two weeks ago we started art therapy, and last we start physical therapy also know as exercise; all of them do help, but the only times I feel same not run by the anxiety is when he's here and I know that we're in the same building.

I wash up and get dressed in dark blue skinny jeans and black Nirvana t-shirt, I grab Christian's Harvard hoodie that I've claimed and struggle into my large fuzzy socks that I wear inside the apartment. Comfort clothes, ones where I am just Ana and not Christian Grey's girlfriend since that is what the media believes. I don't. I can't. We're friend yes, but he can't actually love me even if he thinks he does. It can't work out between us like that. I sit and watch the clock on my nightstand until it reads 06:27, before leaving my room as if I had slept all night.

Gail is already prepping things in the kitchen, Christian's not here yet. Shit, what if I already missed him or he left without telling me, or what if he didn't care to say buy. He's always out here before me and putting in my food order without giving me a choice. This is it, just like everyone said, once he goes back to work he goes back to being that same person.

"Ana, Honey, breathe with me," Gail is holding my hands and taking deep breaths in and out. "Would you like some tea this morning or hot chocolate?"

"Hot… hot chocolate," I gulp.

"Okay, you're okay. How about you sit on the stool and I'm whip some up for you, with the cinnamon and marshmallows."

I smile and nod. I like how the breakfast bar is set up, I can it of with my feet dangling above the ground and watch Gail cook as if I'm watching _Food Network_. I bet she would rock at Iron Chef, Chopped, Guy's Grocery Games, and all the other competition shows on there. Sometimes she will put that channel on for me on the small tv that is in the kitchen while she cooks. I'm like the judges, but I would suck at that job because she has never made me something I did not like.

"What would you like for breakfast today?" She asks. "I was thinking of making a frittata, but we could have omelettes or french toast. Whatever you'd like."

"A frittata would be cool. I don't think I've had one of those before," I answer softly.

"Okay, I'll pair it with home-fries and bacon," She starts coming up with her creations, starting at the cutting board. "Do you have any ideas on what you'd want for dinner tonight?"

"I haven't thought that far ahead today. I don't really understand what is happening today or if Christian will be home for dinner."

The thought of Christian not being home for dinner make me feel sick, and there are some very painful butterflies in my stomach. Dinner with Christian is so much fun, he tells me about everything about his work and how it works, what he is doing and the deals that he has going on. I'm not in school anymore, it's a time in my day where I get to learn about something and I don't want to lose that. I feel like I've already lost that, I've lost him. No matter how much time we've talked about this day it's like everything is getting sucked away from me.

"Something smells good," Christian's voice comes from behind me. "I see you picked breakfast this morning."

I jump of the stool and spider-monkey it into his arms, wrapping my arms and legs around him with a vice grip. He holds me to him, but I'm not letting go and I don't think he realizes that yet.

"You're still here," I nuzzle into his neck.

"I am," He chuckles. "Is something wrong? Did you think I'd leave without seeing you first? Ana things won't change that much." I squeeze him tighter. "I will call you at every opportunity, FaceTime, and if you get too scared or nervous call Andrea and she will put you right through. Hush now."

He rubs my back, holds me on his lap and drinks his coffee over my head. If I only get this short time with him I am not letting go at all right now. I need this time with him before he goes, before everything changes, before I go back to that dark and scary place again.

"When did you do that one?" Christian nods to my sketch pad on the coffee table. "It's really good, who is it?"

"No one specific," I sit up and look at my charcoal mess. "Just a woman looking out a window in a gown. She's thinking and watching the stars."

"It's beautiful. Is it going on the wall?"

"I don't know. It's not done yet," I shrug and nuzzle into his chest.

The empty room beside his office has been transformed into my studio. The three walls are three different modes of things. The one that would connect my studio to Christian's office holds a lot of my completed paintings and drawings, the wall that has the door is all black with chalkboard pain, and the other wall is made of dry erase board. It's the creative and useful room in the apartment, and in a way my sanctuary. It's one of the only rooms I'm allowed in alone that has a lock, just in case I go crazy and try to kill myself again, but it has a camera that is linked to the house CCTV and Christian's phone.

"I should commission you to do some pieces for Grey House," He thinks out loud.

"Why would you do that?"

"Because these look professional even though you claim it's not done."

Gail brings our food over and we eat silently, at peace with each other for the time being. He eats everything like he always does but I can only stomach half my serving, and even what I do eat I don't even taste. He doesn't elect to bug me over it today, I guess it really is a huge change for both of us.

Taylor clears his throat behind us," Mr Grey, it's time to go."

"Give me a second," He looks back at me. "Everything's going to be okay. I promise. If it gets to be too much call me, Lucy, Taylor or Andrea and you won't be left to your own devices. Trust that I'm here for you. I love you."

I look up in his eyes, trying to plead him to stay but I know he can't. He kisses my forehead and moves me from his lap to the couch. I peer over the edge like a child and watch the elevator steal him away. This place is so quiet and empty, I don't know what to do with myself now. When Christian's home he at least gives me options where I'm not left to stew in my own head for hours on end.

"Ana, would you like to help me make some muffins?" Gail asks.

"What type?" I ask, dragging myself to the breakfast bar.

"Oatmeal and Applesauce, healthy but sweet."

"Okay, but can I just watch?"

"Of course, Dear. Even if you're just keeping me company."

I smile and slouch over the counter. She has giant muffin tins that are the size of the general dozen but the muffin bits themselves there are only six. The muffins come out the size of a grapefruit, and they always taste like magic. Instead of just stewing in my own pity I get to make the brown sugar, butter and oat crumble that goes on top and is the best part of these things. We're making twenty-four of these monsters and I sit and wait with Gail so that I can have the first one.

"What would you like for dinner tonight?" She asks while they bake.

"Chicken strips, fries and Caesar salad?" I ask.

"Of course, I found a good homemade recipe for chicken strips that I think you might enjoy. I'll run out to the store after lunch. What would you like for lunch?"

"Something simple please, like soup."

"Of course. I'm going to check on the muffins," She smiles and squeezes my hand reassuringly. "And Mr Grey truly cares about you, he'll be home for dinner."

Christian started saying _I Love You_ , a lot when he started working a bit from home. He says it when we wake up, go to bed, when he would go into a meeting, when I would go into a class or therapy. He says it all the time but I can't make myself say it back to him, I want to, I open my mouth to say it to him but I can't. there is something deep in me that stops me from saying it. I think it's because I don't understand it and never really heard it growing up, I don't think I heard that phrase after Boston. _I'm a completely horrible and undeserving human being. He is putting all of him out there and I am not giving anything back to him. I am going to hurt him, I'm already hurting him. I mess everything up with him all the time_. He asked me to move into his room with him two weeks ago, but I keep saying no because I don't get it. I am also scared since he sleeps in the complete dark and I am not.

I don't feel well, my heart races and I'm flush with a sudden fever. I bolt for the bathroom in my room, heaving all the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I'm drenched in sweat. I hate this, I hate this part of me. I hate feeling so incapacitated by myself.

I move to the bed and under the covers I curl into a ball in the middle. The thoughts and the panic don't stop no matter how small I get or how safe I try and make myself feel. He's only been gone for two and a half hours and I want him back. I want him here with me. I crumble into body wrenching sobs, the tears streaming down my face and the gulps of air singe my body. Everything is wrong, I'm wrong, I can't deal.

Gail and Lauren, my female bodyguard, come in my room and try to comfort me but it's not comforting. It makes me scream and fight them more. Threaten their lives, threaten my own, same old same old when it comes to my panic attacks. Lauren goes into my closet and comes out with a backpack of things and then goes out of the room. Sawyer comes in and wraps me up like a burrito, covering my face, and carry's me to the elevator.

They lay me in the backseat for the drive to, I'm assuming Lucy's. They don't have many options as to where they can drive and dump me on other human beings so they don't have to deal with me anymore. At our destination Sawyer keeps my face covered with the blanket so I can't see where where are. Fuck, what if this is a hospital even though I didn't actually try anything. I cry silently, they don't need to hear me sob in fear or delusional assumptions.

Sawyer hands me from his arms to other arms, there are voices all around me but I can't focus on them. I was right, they don't actually care about me and they're just giving up and giving me away.

* * *

 **AN: Good Evening my Lovely's, I hope you like the chapter.**

 **Food for Thought**

 **How did you all like this chapter?**

 **What should the solution to Ana's anxiety be? (i.e. Go to Grey House with Christian, Hospitalization, scheduled days)**

 **Keep up with the Reviews and Private Messages. Thank you all Guest and New Readers as well.**

 **See you in the morning.**

 **-Mouse**


	22. Chapter 22

"Doctor Daniels is on her way," A lady says.

Doors close behind wherever I am, my breathing is fast and not helping me with listening and tuning to my surroundings. I want Christian, I want Kate, I want to sleep, and if I could I would probably love a milkshake.

"Breathe Blue, you're safe now." Christian!

I start to wiggle and squirm in the burrito prison, he removes the blanket for my face and kisses my nose. He doesn't look like himself. He looks grumpy, frustrated, stressed. Holy Fuck, I am the one who did this to him. I burrow back into the burrito, hiding my tears from him.

"Hey now, we were expecting this the first week I went back to work. It's okay, but you should have called me if it was getting too much. Gail said you were doing fine with the muffins, even though she didn't send some with you," He fakes a pout. "Were they good?"

I nod, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Do you want to come out of there? Taylor is out getting lunch for us, and Lucy is coming to talk to you." I nod and he unravels the top half of me. "Lauren grabbed you some clothes to change into."

I stand up and Christian helps me change into black leggings, white tank top, and a red and black flannel. I sit on the floor in front of him as he gently weaves my hair into a single french braid. Lucy and Taylor walk in at the same time, this is exciting because Taylor is holding pizza and we almost never have pizza. It's from this organic and healthy pizza place Kate introduced me too and it's incredible. We each have our own medium, yay.

"Ana, when is the last time you slept?" Lucy asks.

"When Christian last slept in my room. I've been too scared to sleep," I look down.

"When was that?"

"Three days ago," Christian answers.

"Right," Lucy is not amused. "We've talked about this many times. Sleep is incredibly important when it comes to mental health and anxiety, when you don't sleep it will just keep getting worse and worse. I'm officially prescribing an anti-anxiety and a sleep medication. I know you don't want medication to get better but we can only help you help yourself so much. Honestly Honey I want to get you into a clinic for a short while, but I know that it won't help you when you're dead set against that idea."

"What else can we do? I'm all for medications to help her but I won't force them down her throat," Christian urges.

"A schedule of things to keep her occupied, of times to call you and see you when you're at work, projects that she can work on, outings so she is not always in the apartment. I will make one up when I get back to my office and email it to you by the end of day. For today you can still work Christian, Ana can stay here and maybe sleep on the couch for a bit or write. I have some ideas, just eat and rest. You need to sleep Anastasia, it's one of the many things that you need to do," It feels like I am being scolded. "Do you want a session right now, Ana?"

"No thank you. Can I go make some tea?" I ask Christian.

"Andrea or Olivia can do it," Christian brushes it off.

"But I want to."

"Okay, you know where the loose leaf is," He smiles.

I walk out of his office and down the hall to the break room. I am quick to fill the kettle and set it to boil. I love tea, it's one of my favourite drinks, but Christian took it seriously and at Escala and here in his office there are now cupboards of loose leaf that make it look like Teavana but compact. The worst part of it, or the best part, is all of them look and smell wonderful. It just takes a while to actually pick one out. By the time I do the water has long boiled so I boil it again, filling the defuser with a lavender fruit tea that has no caffeine. Walking back into his office the couch is now pulled out into a freshly made bed, I didn't know it could do that.

"What tea did you finally settle on?" He asks.

"A white lavender and fruit," I smile.

"No caffeine?"

"No caffeine."

"Good girl," He give me a quick kiss. "Eat then lay down. I'll be in here for a while signing papers and going over reports. I have a meeting with Ros and a meeting with a company that I am trying to acquire, but I will not step off this floor."

"Okay."

I eat two slices of pizza before climbing under the covers. Normally these pull out beds are uncomfortable, but this is almost as comfortable like the beds back home. Christian comes over and tucks me in, doing his weird nose brush thing. he runs his finger from my forehead down my nose again and again, and somehow it makes me fall asleep every single time. Sweet, sweet slumber.

 _I won the science fair at school today, middle school science fair where the eighth graders usually win but me, the humble sixth grader took the blue. I guess I had an unfair advantage seeing as I pretty much live with doctors and living proof about brain damage and strokes, but I won. I won, it's the important thing. Sure mom and dad promised to be there and weren't, and everyone else had family there supporting them, but I won and they'll still be proud. They're always proud._

 _The bus stops at the end of the street and I get off with some of the other kids who live around here. They ask to hang out but I can't, if I don't go home mom and dad won't have someone there to look after them and make sure everything is alright._

 _"_ _See you Monday, Anastasia," Judy the bus driver waves to me._

 _"_ _Bye Miss Judy, have a good weekend," I smile and wave back._

 _I run down the street and up to our house, the front door is already open but we're not supposed to leave it open. I leave my backpack on the porch but hold tight to my blue ribbon. The house is quiet, the TV is normally left on for Daddy so he has something to watch._

 _"_ _Daddy? Mommy?" I shout._

 _I run up to check their bedroom, Mommy is asleep and snoring but I can't find Daddy anywhere. I go out into the backyard and he's not there. I know if he walked down the main street someone would have called Mommy and brought him home. I run down the back paths into the forest, shouting and calling for him. If you follow the main path far enough you get to the High School, but there are lots of different branches off from it that lead everywhere._

 _It gets dark and I still haven't found Daddy. I keep tripping and stumbling into trees and to the ground. We're not supposed to go out after dark right now, they've spotted wolves in the area and they hunt at night. I run down the main path again towards the house, maybe Daddy made it home and is alright._

 _Back at the house the whole street is dark, no power. I walk in and can hear someone banging around, I follow the noise to look for Mommy or Daddy. It's not them, there are three high schoolers looking through our living room._

 _"_ _You don't belong here," I shout._

 _"_ _Fuck Eric, you said no one was home," One said._

 _"_ _The man was taken to hospital this morning and the car was gone, how the hell was I supposed to know they'd leave the fucking runt behind?" Another said. "Just lock her somewhere she can't call anyone."_

 _One picks me up from behind and throws me down in the cellar._

I fall out of the sofa bed and onto the floor, this room is very bright when there is no colour on the walls and most of the furniture is white. Christian's not at his desk, or in the office at all. The bag Lauren packed is on the conference table on the far side of the room. It's almost five, I've been here over five hours sleeping? Lucy was right, sleep does calm my head down.

Andrea is still at her desk typing things and organizing his schedule. I smile as I pass on my way to Ros's office to see if Christian is there, and if not I can talk with her.

"God Damn! Mother Fucker!" Christian's voice booms from the break room, followed by Ros laughing her ass off. "It's not fucking funny!"

I run down to see what is happening and there is milkshake everywhere, on the walls and on Christian. Ros is holding herself up agains the counter. I start laughing against the doorframe, his hair is hidden under a layer of pink.

"What are you doing?" I giggle.

"You're awake," He turns and looks at me.

"I am. You're covered in strawberry milkshake."

"I am. I was trying to make it for you."

"And he didn't put the lid on," Ros laughs.

"I thought it was on! Thankfully I have a change of clothes in my office," He comes over and kisses my cheek. "How are you feeling?"

"Better."

"Good. Lucy and I have come up with a schedule that we can go over at dinner. I have hope for you."

"Even after my freak out?"

"Even after that. I figure that you are trying as hard as you can right now and that's all I can ask for. We've got plans."

Dinner is ready when we get back to Escala, and before Gail scurries off to their part of the apartment I show her a couple of the pictures I got of Christian and his adventures in milkshake making. We have a good laugh while Christian changes into jeans and a long sleeve.

We sit and eat and he talks about a small technology company in Malibu that he is trying to get under his wing. It has new ideas and unique technologies that he really wants to get his hands on and use and merge that technology into different divisions of GEH. We both really like the meal, and when were done we go into the media room to watch a movie.

I pick one of my favourite animated movies _Ponyo_ , it's cute and has a good message. I know he is not a huge fan of he animated films but I can tell that they're growing on him. He keeps stroking my side, up to my breast and down to my hip. Slowly turning me on and making me wet little by little.

"What were you and Gail laughing about in the kitchen?" He asks.

"Nothing," I bush.

"Nothing, I see. So if I looked at your phone would I not find anything amusing?"

"No," I try to wiggle from his grasp.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes?"

"I see, so the photos of me covered in goo, they're nothing?"

I giggle and try to get away, but he pulls me over his lap for a spanking. Unfortunately they turn me on more than punish me which is not his intention, but usually we have great sex after this and that's a major plus.

"How many do you think you deserve?" He asks, pulling my leggings and panties down.

"I don't know," I moan as he kneads my flesh.

"You're a horny girl tonight," He teases, running his fingers through my folds. "Already wet and ready."

"Please Christian," I beg.

He spanks me twelve times before carrying me to my room and stripping the rest of me and him before plunging into me. He's pounding me, making me feel every bit of him in me. I cling to him, trying to move with him but he's in control here.

He washes and dresses me in warm pyjamas, taking me to his room and his curtains are open tonight. I've never been in his room with the curtains open, he prefers to sleep in the dark.

"Sleep Blue, tomorrow your new schedule starts," He kisses my forehead.

"I don't know what my schedule is," I yawn.

"I know. Now sleep."

I wake up to Christian waving bacon under my nose and breakfast in bed. French Toast, fruit, bacon and orange juice; we eat and he dresses into a sharp suit. I throw on sweatpants and a tank top with a cable knit cardigan before following him to his office.

"This is your schedule today, and includes time with me and when I'll be home. This is going to work. I promise," He hugs me.

I'm going to the gym this morning, then have a call with Christian, music therapy, cooking lunch with Gail, taking lunch and having it with Christian, mystery trip with Christian, session with Lucy, pick Christian up from work, dinner, and then we're going over my real schedule. That is a lot of stuff to do today, they weren't joking when they said I'd have no time to just sit and think and stew. It's okay, I'm okay, I can do this.

* * *

 **AN: So everyone is trying, Ana is doing her best.**

 **Food For Though**

 **1 What do you think would be an eye opening experience for Ana?**

 **2 What do you think that Christian's mystery trip?**

 **3 It's time for Ana to confront some of her old demons without Christian's protection, what do you think could happen and what the fallout could be?**

 **I hope you Lovely's are having a good day, I am feeling really sick and may not be able to upload tonight. If I don't I apologize but I will do my best, and if I don't I will compensate this week on a later date.**

 **Have a beautiful day.**

 **-Mouse**


	23. Chapter 23

Marcus is making me work hard this morning, kind of. We're running outside but it feels like I have been running for days and it hasn't been that long. This morning I have decided that I want to run the Marine Corps Marathon in DC next year and the Boston Marathon. I've never been much of a runner but I feel like I am actually really good at it, and I know I would have to qualify for the Boston Marathon but it's possible. It's my new goal, a real goal and I think Lucy will be proud with it. Marcus has run all of the major marathons in the states, he knows what I need to do to get ready for this.

"Two more miles Ana, you can do it," Marcus runs backwards to look at me. "Push through it, focus. Know that when we make it back to Escala you can put your feet up, chug all the water you want, and have a hot shower or bath."

"I'm not the only one running, you could ask Lauren if she needs to break," I huff.

"I'm good, we ran more and in worse conditions during basic training. You can do it Ana, and another bright side is that you'll be so tired you'll sleep through the night easily," She says.

"Well that's just great," I roll my eyes and keep running.

"You're already fast, just focus on the end. There's a marathon in Hawaii in January that you could do if you really want to do some of the larger ones," He shouts back to me.

"Well you're an olympic runner so you already thing that running's easy," I shout back.

"Yeah, that's true. It's why I know you can't beat me back to the apartment," He laughs.

I growl and bolt, running like my life depends on it and as if my lungs aren't burning and legs are on fire. I put blinders on, not looking around to see where Marcus or Lauren are until I have made it to the lobby.

"Woah Flash, where'd that come from?" Marcus is bent over panting.

"I wanted to beat you," I giggle.

"Well you did. Congrats, but tomorrow we're working just in the gym. Give you some muscles."

I nod and wave to him as Lauren and I get into the elevator. We're both leaning against opposite walls. I really like Lauren, she's not that much older than me and she dresses her age unlike all of Christian's suits. We agreed that it would make me more comfortable to have her around even though Sawyer is still my security I barely have to see him.

In the apartment I shower and dress in grey jeans and yellow blouse, I dry my hair, talk to Christian on FaceTime for ten minutes, and then search the kitchen for a snack. Gail is making a large pot of soup that she can freeze for Christian and myself to reheat on her days off.

"Do you want anything specific?" She asks.

"I don't know."

"Greek yogurt, granola and fruit are really good after a run like that," Lauren walks into the kitchen. "Ana, Casper is in the elevator on the way up for your lesson. I was going to make my post-workout smoothie if you want me to make enough for you."

"Yes please, I'll go get my music from the studio."

Casper is from Germany and studied music at Juilliard, he's performed in orchestras and on soundtracks. I don't know how Christian got him but he's my music teacher, supporter. He's nice too, and one of very few males that Christian is not threatened by because he's married, just like Marcus.

I make back to the great room at the same time as Casper, both of us automatically going to the piano. I could really use a nap right now, but it's not a time for that. No is a time for music, one of my favourite things to do still. Gail and Lauren have told me that they like when Casper comes over because they get to hear us play instead of silence of TV gibberish.

"Before we play I want to tell you that I talked to Lucy and to Christian this morning," He says with his accent. "Piano is a good escape when you feel like you did yesterday, we've talked about this. It give you something to focus on and you can play how you feel. Right?"

"I know, but yesterday was just a really bad day."

"I get it, and we all have them. I want to try something new with you. Okay?"

"Sure," I nod.

"We're going to give you a shot at composing. You listen and play the greats, all of their music says something. You have a lot to say but it's finding ways for you to say it that's hard. So, compose."

"Compose? Just like that?"

"Just like that. I can show you a piece that I did when I was in high school"

"Overachiever." I mutter under my breath.

We switch places and he starts to play a song that really speaks a lot, it's not complicated but you can really get a feel for who he is and what his story is. It's not Chopin or Bach but it's still incredible and contemporary.

"How long did it take for you to write it?" I ask.

"I knew how I wanted it to sound from the get go, but it took about a month before it was perfect and worth performing."

"What am I supposed to make it sound like?"

"Whatever is screaming in your head and trying to get out, whatever you feel strongly in your heart. It's not for anyone but you right now."

"But aren't you supposed to be here monitoring me?"

"Yeah, I'll be in the kitchen eating a muffin if there are any left. I'll be here if you really get stuck."

He leaves me at the piano with blank music sheets, alone, staring at the keys. There is no way I can come up with some composition, not one that sounds good. I am going to be the worst composer ever.

I get a hold of a really good, simple melody, but it still has no body or anything to go with it. I'm not looking to create an amazing traditional composition, just something. I keep telling myself to just feel it and just let it flow but it's difficult. You learn the basics of composing in theory but theory lessons have long past.

"Ana, it's time to go to Grey House," Lauren startles me.

"I was supposed to help Gail," I get up to move to the kitchen.

"We didn't want to bother you. Just grab a coat and put shoes on, the foods packed and down in the car with Luke."

I run to my closet and yank on my black Hunters and grab my black trench/rain coat, seeing as my purse is not in my room Lauren has already grabbed it. I thank Gail before going down to the car with Lauren and into the back of the SUV. Christian meets us in the parking garage when we get to his building and he takes me up to his floor.

"You look good," He says as he sets up our lunch on the conference table in his office. "Your eyes are lighter."

"I had a good morning," I smile up at him. "I've made new goals and Casper has me trying to compose my own piece."

"That's awesome, I can't wait to hear it. What are your new goals?"

Christian plates the sandwiches, soups and salads. Sometimes I feel like he thinks I have an Elliot stomach when I do not. I eat as much as I can though, and he usually eats what I don't.

"I want to run marathons, I'm fast and I like it."

"And you'll work with Marcus on it?"

"Yeah, he think's I'll be good."

"Then I challenge you to a race this weekend Miss Steele."

"I accept the challenge Mr Grey," I can't wipe the smile off my face. "Are you going to tell me where we're going this afternoon?"

"To a business meeting I have, we're taking Charlie Tango."

"I'm going with you to a business meeting? What about my session with Lucy?"

"It was a cover so you really had no idea."

"I already have no idea."

"I know. Now eat."

I roll my eyes and tuck in, eating all of the soup and salad but only half of the the sandwich. He eats the rest of it though like he didn't already eat bigger serving portions than I did. I look through his little bookshelf in the corner but it holds boring books about finances and numbers, it's all text books. He really does not understand leisure reading.

"Mr Grey Stephan will be here withe the helicopter in fifteen minutes and Miss Foster is here with the forms you need for your meeting," Andrea's voice comes from the intercom.

"Send her in," He sit behind his desk. I try and stay out of the way, running over my composition in my head. "Miss Foster, anything I should know that's not in this file?"

"I don't believe so Mr Grey," I know that voice. That voice makes me see red. "They do want to release a statement announcing your interest but Mrs Bailey shut it down, she sent you an email. Finnton James will be at this meeting, he has the largest stock in the business right now and it's not sure what side he's on with your heavy interest."

I turn to look at her, dressed smart and perfect. She is just like how she was the last time I saw her, holds herself like she holds power that she doesn't. I want to puke, scream, cry and hide because she is one of my greatest enemies. I didn't know she worked for Christian. Fuck, that means Bennett works for Christian.

I slip out of the room and over to Andrea's desk without Christian or Stephanie noticing me. She is going over some papers with Olivia but I don't care right now.

"Andrea, which floor is financial on?" I ask.

"Fourteen, why? Does Mr Grey need something?" She answers confused.

"No, I just think an old friend of mine works there. Do you think I could go down and see if they're there?"

"Sure," She hands me a visitors pass. "Take this in case. It shows security you're untouchable because you're here with Mr Grey."

"Thank you, let him know I'll be right back, and let Lauren and Sawyer and Taylor know that I am not leaving the building so they don't have to worry."

"Of course."

I smile and go over to the elevator, it doesn't take long to call up to this floor. The ride down to financial makes my stomach turn. This is a bad idea, horrible idea really, but I am too pumped up on adrenaline to do anything but this.

The floor has a bit of a lobby, a sign welcoming you to the financial department of GEH, and a young receptionist who looks bored as fuck.

"Good Afternoon," She smiles. "How can I help you?"

"I'm looking for Bennet Lincoln, I think he works here," I smile back.

"Oh, he's in the last office on the left. Does he know you're here?"  
"No, I was up with Mr Grey and found out he worked here. Thought I would come down and say high."

She nods, not really grasping what is going on with what I said. I walk down the hall towards Bennett's office, taking deep breaths as I go. I know that by now Christian will have noticed I'm gone and they'll have a search party out for me even if I am in the building. It's what I get for having too many freak outs in front of him.

I don't knock, just walk into his office that has a nickel nameplate on the outside of the door. His back is too the door, I haven't seen him in three years and I really think I'm going to be sick. I click the door closed, not locking it, but the sound alerts him and he spins to look at me.

"Anastasia Steele, you missed me so much you came to see me while I was at work? I heard that you spent some days roaming the building. Rumours I thought, yet here you are in front of me," He smiles, eyeing me. "You've gained a lot of weight since I last saw you."

I look down at my body. I have? I mean I know I've gained some but I didn't think it was that noticeable.

"You need to quit, you and Stephanie need to quit and never come back in this building again or talk to Christian," I fail miserably at talking tough.

"We do?" He growls, standing up and backing me into the wall. He collects my hair and pulls it, holding it against the wall and forces me to look at him. "I think that you've spent too long with your head in the clouds if you think you can tell me what to do. Here is how things will really work, when you come and hang out with _Christian_ you will come down here so we can get to know each other again. And if you tell him about this or about your past I will kill you. Do you understand?"

"Yes Sir," I whimper.

"Good."

He leans down to kiss me, but I can't do that. He's not Christian. I claw his face and kick him in the shins and nuts before stumbling out into the hall, into a wall of Taylor. He holds me up and passes me to Lauren who drags me to the elevator, looking back I see Taylor and Sawyer trying to restrain and separate Christian and Bennett. I've never seen Christian as a violent person, he's the guy who would never hurt anyone no matter how mad he was but I can see the blood from back here.

* * *

 **AN: Good Evening my Lovely's. I refuse to let illness keep me down. Thank you to all who told me to just rest and get better.**

 **Food For** **Thought**

 **1 Were Ana's actions right? Christian's? Fallout?**

 **2 What will happen after these interactions?**

 **3 Where is this trip? Will this fix things or make them worse?**

 **I am working on another fifty shades piece and am looking for someone to bounce ideas off me, if you're willing PM me.**

 **Keep on reviewing, following, favouriting. Thank you to all the new readers and guest readers.**

 **-Mouse**


	24. Chapter 24

We're in the helicopter but Christian's not flying this time. He's in the back with me, Lauren and Taylor while Sawyer and the pilot are up front. We've been in the air for over a half hour and no one has said anything about what happened on the fourteenth floor. I don't know if it because I'm in trouble, he's in trouble, or if everyone is just that mad at me.

"We'll be landing in eight minutes," Sawyer's voice comes through the headphones.

I've wanted to look out the window this trip but I've settled on looking at my hands and feet. I don't deserve the joys or luxury's of any of this. I've displeased him and I know this, it is so clear by how he's looked at me, how all of them have been looking at me.

When we land Taylor, Sawyer and Lauren get out first and scour about wherever we are, leaving me alone with my personal judge, jury and executioner. Taylor announces that we're clear and everything is good to go. Sawyer helps me out and over to the SUV that's waiting, he's staying here with the helicopter so no one comes and tries to blow it up or mess with anything.

"Have you figured out where we are yet?" Christian asks. I shake my head no. "You're allowed to speak." I don't. "Anastasia, please don't shut down or shut me out."

We're not driving around long before we park and are allowed to get out of the car. No one is pushing me, but it's not about that. I want to just punish myself for my behaviour since Christian is not. I deserve not talking and not looking around. God, he should have just locked me in a closet and thrown away the key.

"Ana!" Kate calls out.

"Kate?" I look up.

We run at each other and she hugs me. I want to tell her about what has happened earlier, how Bennett works, worked, for Christian and how Christian just beat him to death in front of all of his employees. How Christian is able to beat someone so much and so hard that he can draw blood and smash their face in.

"We're at school?" I ask her.

"He didn't tell you that you were coming here, did he?" She looks at me.

"No. He said he had a business meeting and I was going with him."

"He does, here, and now I get Ana time. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," I smile.

"I'm kidnapping her now!" Kate shouts over at Christian, Taylor and Lauren.

"Dinner's at seven and Elliot will be there," He shouts back.

"Security's not coming?" I whisper.

"No, you're with me and you're not in Seattle. How much trouble can get into in Portland with me? I am going to have to drag you to one of my classes or you can visit your one Lit Professor who misses you too and asks about you," Kate rambles.

"I would love to see Dr Mayer, do you think she'd mind?"

"Of course not. I'll drop you off there, just meet me in the Journalism lounge when you're done. Okay?"

I nod fast, pulling her towards the English building which was my home turf. Kate leaves me alone as I walk the halls while most are in lessons. Stopping by my old creative writing class but making sure that no one sees me.

"Ana? Long time no see," Noah walks towards me. "How've you been? Kate said you moved up to Seattle, are you staying with her parents?"

"No, with another one of her friends. I've been good though, getting there you know?"

"Yeah, you look better. How since you drank last?"

"Almost a month," I'm proud to say. "Getting out of here has been good, I mean sure I miss half my classes but it wasn't working well for me."

"I get it, formal classrooms aren't for everyone. Call me next time you come down, we could grab food or you could tell me all about Hardy and Austen because I'm not doing well in class right now."

"I'll email you," I smile. "I've got to go though."

"Of course, I'll see you around."

We wave bye and walk separate ways, him leaving the building and me going to the stairs. While walking up to the third floor I take my iPhone, Christian's iPhone, out of my pocket and switch it off. I don't want to risk having it go off while seeing Dr Mayer, she hates phones interrupting lectures, tutorials, and conversations. While focusing on my screen I run into someone and almost fall back down the stairs if they hadn't of grabbed me.

"Jose?" I look up at him, he rights me on my feet.

"Hey?" He looks kind of pissed.

"Everything alright?"

"Fine, just feel closed in. I'm going for a ride if you want to come? I'll bring you back here or wherever you need to go."

"I told Kate I'd just be here and then in the Communications building," I hesitate for a moment. It's been so long since I've just been able to go off and feel free. "Sure, just have me back by the time Kate's class ends?"

"I'll have you back whenever you need to be back," He smiles. "Lets go."

We run down the stairs and the hall, drawing more attention then needed, before bursting out to the parking lot and over to his bike. It is a red 1995 Harley Davidson FXSTC Softail Custom, that he got for his graduation present from his uncle that built it for him. We used to go on rides all the time when things got too much, my favourite trip was probably down to Brookings Oregon, down the coast. Now, we don't have time for that today but we can just go and be free for a while.

"Where do you want to go?" He asks, puling helmets and leather jackets out of the locker that is by the motorcycle parking. "North, south, east, west?"

"Follow the sun," I answer.

I slide on my leather jacket and helmet before he helps me on the back, revving the engine and squealing out of the parking lot. I can't help thinking that Christian is going to be pissed at me, but at the same time I can't help feeling that I don't care. This is a moment of bliss, of freedom. I don't have to answer to anyone, have someone over my shoulder, or be in one of two buildings. Here I am free and nothing can stop me.

We're out till the sun is setting, later then Kate's class and close to when we're all supposed to be meeting for dinner, and we're not that close to Portland. We turn around and head back but I don't want to. I'm not ready to go back and be chastised like a little brat, I'm an adult. I'm an adult who's actions earlier today may have just gotten someone killed, made the man I have really strong feels for ( _LOVE_ ) a murder. I don't know if I can go back to that. When we pull to the side of the road close to both of his and Kate's apartments he switches the bike off to get off and look at me.

"Where am I taking you?" He asks.

"Do you have any more of those pills?" I ask.

"At my place."

"Then lets go there."

"You're sure?"

NO. "Yeah, I'm sure."

We ride over three blocks, two blocks from Kate's place, to the house he shares with four other guys that are in the same program as him but all in different years. Jose is in his second year, two are in their fourth, one is in his third and I don't remember what year the last one is in. Then again I have never really interacted with any of them, everything I know is from Jose and the times we've hung out. Going into his house where the four other guys live was different, it looks clean and cookie cutter from the outside and then the inside is definitely a party/drug house. I smells like pot and alcohol. Maybe I shouldn't take the pills tonight, maybe I should try pot. At least it's medicinal.

"What do you want?" Jose asks, going over to the kitchen. "Anything to drink, eat, whatever?"

"I'm good for now. Um, could I try pot?" I stammer.

"Sure, come on to the back deck. First time may be better in fresh air," We go out and there are two of his roommates out there with a really artistic blown-glass bong. "Do you want to try with a joint, pipe or bong?"

"Is there a difference?"

"We'll do the bong, just sit back, I'll get it ready for you. Go check the kitchen and see if there is any food you like and bring it out. Just in case you get the munchies."

I nod and go back inside to his kitchen. I pull out some different types of chips, little coloured marshmallows, pickles and carrots; this is the weirdest combination of food I have ever collected before. I go back out to the deck and set everything down before sitting on the step next to Jose. He quickly explains how to do this, I nod when I'm ready and take my first, second and third bong tokes. God, time feels irrelevant.

 **CHRISTIAN POV**

I don't know how I haven't ripped someone's head off, maybe because I already have done that today and that really strong anger is out of my system and this is just frustration. Where the fuck is Anastasia? She told Kate that she was meeting a teacher then going to wait for Kate. Kate told me that she wouldn't let her out of her sight. Now, no one can find her and her fucking iPhone is fucking off and I can't fucking track her down. It's been hours, and every fucker here is incompetent and clearly just wants to piss me off.

"I'm going to call Noah and Jose, see if they saw her on campus today," Kate says.

"You've already called _Noah_ and every time you've called the other one he doesn't answer," I spit. "Why the fuck would you let her go off, Kavanaugh?"

"Back off Christian, maybe if you didn't keep her on a leash she wouldn't just fuck off! You can't blame everyone!" She shouts back.

"We have to watch her, she's a fucking mess right now!"

"She never was as anxiety ridden or depressed when she lived with me Grey, and I think I know why. I let her be herself and was there when she fucking needed me! You can't lock her in a cage and expect her to be happy. No matter how fucking nice your apartment is, a cage is still a cage and a lock is a lock. It's your fuck up too!"

"Both of you need to chill out," Elliot announces. "Your friend Noah is out looking for her, all of Christian's security is out looking for her. She will come here when she wants, she's twenty-one and not a child. I get you're worried, but I think she does need to feel normal and this is how she is trying." He pauses and looks at the two of us. "Mom wants you to call her C, you left a very frantic message on her phone and stressed her out."

I stomp into what used to be Ana's room, there are still quite a few of her things here that she didn't want brought up to Escala. Maybe she really doesn't see it as home, not hers. I call my mom while sitting on the bed, calming her down. Apparently the message I left her made her think someone was dying or in the hospital. No Mother, Ana just fucked off and fucked up today and no one can fucking find her.

Back out in the living room Kate's phone is on speaker with loud noise and music blasting through the small speakers.

"Noah, say it again!" Kate shouts at her phone.

"Paul said that he saw Ana at his place before he came for his shift," Noah's voice is weak but clear. "He said that she was hanging out back with Jose and Jack, but he didn't say if they were doing anything."

"Thank's Noah, I'll call you when we find her," She hangs up.

"What's the address?" I ask.

"We can walk there," She grabs her coat and walks out.

Elliot and I scramble with out coats to follow out after her. I don't understand girls, they can wear six inch heels on their feet and still run and walk and not fall on their faces. Kate is so fucking fast and her heels are made of something as thick as a fucking pencil. How the hell is that even fucking possible? Her and Mia, it's not right.

We walk two blocks to a very suburban looking house that plays home to a bunch of college boys. Why the fuck would she come here instead of being with me? I don't understand what is fucking wrong with her today. Kate walks right in without knocking, Elliot and I follow in tow since she knows these people and how they work. Taylor's probably mad that I have not stayed at Kate's like I said we would while they all looked. Well we found her first.

"Cubby bunny," Some guy gurgles and chokes. "Or urn."

We walk out into the backyard where Ana is stuffing a marshmallow in her mouth, laughing with her mouth full, and there's a bong, pipe and bags of marijuana. She's fucking high again! After all the fucking shit that I have been through to help her she turns back to this? Why the fuck… who the fuck does she think she is?

"What the fuck?" I shout.

Ana spits everything into a bowl and looks up at me, she awkwardly gets up from he place on the ground and stumbles over to me, wrapping her arms around my stomach. She's giggling and seems to be having fun, but FUCK!

"Last time I walked away, but not this time," I growl at _that_ boy. "Elliot, take Ana back to Kate's and have her lay down."

"Christian, just leave him. It's not worth it," Kate says, I don't listen I just see red.

"He's the fucking reason she got her hands on fucking drugs the first fucking time. I don't fucking care if he's worth it or not, he's dead!"

I toss Ana over to Elliot, out of the way and safe, while I lunge and punch the Jose fucker who is no better then my Mom's fucking pimp or Elena or anyone else who fucking does shit like this. Elliot and some other high fucker pulls me off of him while he lays limp on the ground. I turn back to look at Ana and I will never get that look, those eyes, the radiating feeling of disgust out of my mind. I move over to take her from Kate but she just curls into Kavanaugh. I don't know what to do. Anastasia is scared of me.

* * *

 **AN: ... So... Let me have it. How did you all like that turn?**

 **Food For Thought**

 **1 Where does this leave Ana and Christian?**

 **2 How do you think this will effect Christian?**

 **3 Do you think/want/expect to hurt Christian now for harming/scaring Ana?**

 **4 Are you okay with another possible time jump?**

 **So, communication is not their strong suit. Could have gone better, could have been worse. Where does their future lay?**

 **Sorry for the delayed upload, slept in too long. Hope you enjoyed this. Thank you for all the support.**

 **See you this evening my Lovely's.**

 **-Mouse**


	25. Chapter 25

EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER (MAY)

I allow my fingers to just dance across the keys, practicing and practicing, trying to focus on the only thing I have. It's my tenth piece that I've composed myself, that speaks my head and emotions or whatever it is Casper used to say. One through six are my favourite still, but I have just kept up with this writing thing and have let it happen as it has happens. It's hard being alone all the time now, but I didn't have any options when it came to how everything has ended up.

Kate lost her shit after finding out all of the situations leading up to that big blow out at Jose's. She really argued the point that Christian was not a good influence and that he was locking me in turn making me crack. Christian called me a irresponsible whore who could care less about what people do to help me. No one wanted me around anymore and that was fine. That first year I was in France while I cleaned up, sent some of my stuff back overseas, and sold the property to a nice family from Connecticut who were going to use it as a summer vacation house. Now I'm back, kind of in Seattle, with a house on the Sound avoiding Kate's and Christian's calls and gifts that come multiple times a day.

The doorbell keeps ringing, interrupting my playing enough to piss me off. I drag myself away from my piano and out into the hall. My german shepherd, Comet, and golden retriever, Nova, keep barking at the unknown figure beyond the door

"Okay, okay, I'm coming!" I shout on my way to the door. "Girls, hush." I open the door and block the dogs from getting out. I look up and all the air leaves me. "Christian? Wha… what are you doing here?"

"We need to talk, and you send everything back and ignore my calls," He runs his hands through his hair. "I didn't know what else to do."

"You could have taken the hint," I roll my eyes. "There was a reason that I wasn't answering or accepting anything."

"I know, but I needed to talk and I am hoping to God that you'll listen."

"It's too hard, seeing you. Hearing your voice. I fucked up, I don't need to hear it anymore. I know it every day I wake up alone with nothing to show for my life."

"Nothing to show? This is a six million dollar property on Bainbridge Island."

He's not going to leave, he will not leave me alone until he talks to me and gets what he wants. I know him, he has to have his way or he breaks. I open the door and hold the collars until I know that they won't jump up on Christian and ruin his overly expensive suit. I lead him to the back deck where I have outdoor furniture, oceanfront property, gorgeous view of the sound and Seattle. He sits on on of the lounge chairs refusing any type of beverage, I pour myself a smoothie before sitting down across from him. Nova and Comet sit at my feet, making sure that they're between him and me. I love my dogs, they protect me.

"When did you get the dogs?" He asks.

"I got Nova before I left for France and Comet in France, they're my family and running buddies. Some days I can't tell who tires who," I smile, safe area of conversation.

"That's nice," He's not very comfortable or in control here. "Why are you avoiding my calls and gifts?"

"It's not just you. I'm avoiding Kate and the Kavanaugh's too."

"Why?"

"I don't need to be told I'm a fuck up, I already know that. I don't need to feel guilty for running off and taking care of me and protecting myself."

"I don't think that of you. I never have."

"Yet you called me a irresponsible whore who could care less," I snap, raising my voice little by little. "I was falling in love with you while slowly drowning! I felt trapped, scared, and then I snapped. I saw red and then black, I went numb and didn't feel like I could just go to you or talk to you about it. After all of it went down you then really showed me that I couldn't because you showed me what you really thought of me!"

"You were falling in love with me?" His voice is barely audible.

Of course that is the only thing that he was able to hear out of all of that. Why would he hear anything else that I had to say about what happened then, about how I felt that day and how I felt alone. No, none of that. He just hears about the possibility of what could have been us. I close my eyes and count to ten, now is not the time to get angry and start shouting at people in french. It's not worth it.

I open my eyes and he is now sitting on the wicker couch beside me, holding a army green pillow in his lap between us. I never heard him move, nor did the dogs react to him getting close to me.

"I saw red and went numb that day too," He says. "I heard what Bennet said and flipped, and then when you were stoned out of your mind playing kids games with Jose after we spent hours looking for you… I thought I lost you because you were pulling away so much. I was scared, and when I'm scared I'm known to lash out." He swallows and breathes. "We woke up the next morning to notes saying that you're going to be alright and that we don't need to worry or care about you anymore. It killed me knowing I was at fault for you feeling that, it hurt Kate."

"I know it hurt you, all of you," I cry, the tears are now flowing. "I was hurting so much and you guys turned it into a battle of who could care for me better and where I should stay and how I was effecting you! None of it was about you, I was hurting so much and no one was listening no matter how loud I screamed. I've been here for three months, and I'm finally feeling human and normal again."

"So that's it. You really don't want to try and reconcile? Not with me or Kate? I still care about you, still love you."

It feels like he is ripping my heart out of my chest, it's burning and stabbing and I just want it all to end. It's times like these when I start to crave the drugs and the booze and the self-harm shit that I've done. It makes my skin crawl, heart race, stomach churn, and with Christian here I can't just go to the piano, the gym or for a run. I've always stayed in contact with Lucy, daily check-ins and Skype sessions three times a week. I can hear her voice in times like this, and I really want to call her.

"Can you excuse me for a minute?" I ask, wiping my tears away.

"Of course, I'll wait here."

I run inside to my phone and call Lucy's cell number, I'm far enough from the open door for him to hear me but I can still see him. I watch him pet and interact with my dogs who don't seem to get upset or riled up by him.

"Ana? Are you alright?" Lucy answers on the seventh ring.

"Christian's here, he showed up and I let him in," I'm hyperventilating.

"Breathe. Deep breath for me," We both take deep breaths. "Okay, I thought you weren't ready to confront or talk to him yet."

"I'm not, and it's making me crave."

"Do you want me to come out?"

"Maybe… maybe come out for check in tonight?" I beg.

"Of course, but maybe it's time to tell him. Talk to him about your feelings?"  
"He'll laugh at me."

"Maybe, but you have been waiting for this opportunity."

"Okay, um, will you be out around seven? I can have food ready if you want to eat?"

"Sure, just stay calm till I see you tonight. It will all be okay. I'll see you later, Ana."

"Bye Lucy," I hang up.

I go back out to Christian who is having a very animated discussion with Comet, and he looks embarrassed to know I caught him talking to an animal that can't talk back. Comet however is loving the attention, it's adorable.

"I love you. I new it, felt it when I first me you but I couldn't deal or understand that back then. I'm just understanding this all now," I admit. "So now you can run. Run away from me because I was a selfish bitch, never look back because you deserve someone better."

I turn to run in but he grabs my hand and pulls me, cradles me, in his lap and rocks me back and forth like he used to. I breathe in his scent and close my eyes.

"I love you too, and there can still be an us. I want there to be…"

"Christian, I'm not so…"

"Don't overthink it. Everyone would love to see you, I know they would. I've kept them up to date on your adventures as much as I could but they'd love to hear it from you too."

"What do you mean by that?"

His lips connect with mine, wrapping me up in the feeling and sensations that entrap me to him, keep me silent, make my head shut up and my libido on. I can feel his erection, I want to spin to straddle him but he holds me tight.

"I've missed you," He says into my mouth.

"You've had someone stalk me?" I ask.

"I've had security watch over you from a distance and were only to intervene if you needed it," He defends his actions.

"And report back to you my every movement and decision?" I glare.

"Guilty, but I needed to know you were safe. It to them two months to track you down to find you."

"Them? I had a team of stalkers?"

"Kind of, but only because I love you that much."

"Well it's a major invasion of privacy!"

My heightened voice brings Nova to her feet and onto the couch, she tries to get between us only to settle with he face between ours. I pet her head and she calms down, but still doesn't get off the couch.

"Come to the Coping Together Gala with me on Saturday," He asks.

"Who will be there?"

"Around four hundred people, but specifically yes, my family and the Kavanaugh's will be there as my parent's host. Tomorrow I can take you to find a pretty dress and Saturday I can book a day at a spa for you and we can go, you can see everyone again."

"Lucy is coming over for a check in tonight. I'll talk to her and call you after, I need to think about it."

"Okay," He looks like I took away his cake.

"Can I show you something before I kick you out for tonight?" I ask.

"Sure?" He's confused.

I leave the dogs out on the deck and take him to my music room. It on the main level, far left corner with two walls being glass and a view of the Sound and the city. I point at the chair in the corner where he sits and take out my third composition, the one I wrote when I realized all the confusing and scary feelings were me falling in love with him. I lay out my sheet music and rest my hands for a moment before breaking into the only piece I have never played for anyone before. I couldn't share this one, it was too personal.

"You wrote that?" He asks after I've stopped.

"Yeah."

"It's incredible!"

"Thank you," I giggle. "Now go, I have to make food for me and Lucy and come to a decision over your question. I'll call you tonight."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

When Lucy arrives we have Grilled Salmon salad with goat cheese, dried cranberries, beets, carrots, tomato, and walnuts. We do the check in, breathing exercises and talk long and hard about Christian's questions. How going and spending time with him will make me feel, how I think I will feel about seeing everyone is a very imposing and public setting. We discuss what to do if I get cravings while there or while out with Christian. We find out what to do if I get cravings after coming home from spending time with him, and what to do if the idea or option of sex arises. She goes over everything little by little, in simple terms so that I understand the severity of breaking my sobriety after all this time.

"If you need anything, call my cell and if I don't answer that…"

"Call your office and I'll be put through. I know," I interrupt her.

"Okay, so I am guessing you know what your decision is?" I nod and smile. "I want two call check ins a day from now till I see you on Monday, and text updates every hour when you're with Christian, the Grey's or the Kavanaugh's. And if you go to the gala I expect you to tell Christian or someone who will be there about you're AA status incase you have a craving. Is that alright, I know it's a lot of requests."

"I understand and I agree to all your conditions."

"Good, see you talk to you later Ana," She shouts while walking out the front door.

I let Nova and Comet out for the last time tonight before running upstairs to my room and changing into comfortable cotton pyjamas. The girls settle on their beds on the floor. They can get up on my couches and chairs but not my bed. My bed is sacred and comfortable. I dial Christian's number and wait to see if he answers.

"Ana?" He's excited.

"I'll go, with you to the thing and hang out with you tomorrow," I tell him.

"I'll come out and pick you up around ten?" He asks.

"No!" I shout then wince. "No, I'll come to you. Should I come to Escala or meet you at the store?"

"Come to Escala, I'll see you at ten. Sleep well, Anastasia."

"Goodnight Christian." _I Love You_.

I plug my phone in after checking to make sure my morning alarm is set, 05:00. I set it down on my nightstand and turn to look at my floor to ceiling window that look over the sound, my room is right above the music room. It's a comforting view, always some light filtering in.

I smile, laugh, when thinking of Christian's reaction when I show up tomorrow in leather pants and on my Suzuki GSX-R1000, instead of in a car with seatbelt's and airbags. He is going to flip his top or have a coronary, and the best part is that he can't control me.

* * *

 **AN: So they're growing up, smartening up, but we know the sanctuary that they've both developed cannot last long.**

 **Please, ask me questions, review, suggest.**

 **Consider the demons and obstacles that could come up and tell me your guesses.**

 **I have a lot of this story planned but I don't know how many people are truly invested in this story.**

 **Good Evening Lovely's, Goodnight.**

 **-Mouse**


	26. Chapter 26

I pack a change of clothes into my backpack for when I get to Christian's, I don't need to walk around Seattle in leather pants and boots when it's summer weather. I wear it to protect myself when biking, but even though I totally love the kink I am not into leather and rubber looking clothing. I must say though, I look hot. Black leather pants that fit me like a glove, white tank top that you can see my black bra through, and then I will put my skin tight jacket on before I head out. I run over everything that I need and triple check it's packed before taking Nova and Comet out to the back pen that they can't escape from. House is locked up, alarm is set, and I'm good to go. Jacket, backpack, helmet and I'm off to the ferry.

Christian is waiting with Taylor in the garage when I arrive at his apartment building, both their mouths are hanging open while I switch of the bike and pull my helmet off. He's about to tell me about how unsafe it is and that I should have a car but I hold my hand up to stop that conversation before it starts. He may think he's caring but I don't need that, I have a car and a Jeep but if it's nice out I prefer to take my bike out places.

"Would you mind if I change before we go out?" I ask.

"Of course, we can head up while Taylor gets the car ready," Christian nods.

We go into the elevator, the penthouse password is my birthday, and rise up to his castle in the sky. The sexual tension is strong, and doesn't dissipate once we're in the apartment, while he leads me to my old room that still looks the same as before we went to Portland. All my things, my clothes, are still there and where I left them but it's clean. He leaves me to change, which takes longer seeing as I have to strip from the leather that sticks to my skin from the sweat and heat. I have a quick shower, washing my body, and dress in new pantie and strapless bra set and a white sundress with red spaghetti straps and red embroidery around the bottom, I got it when I was in Barcelona five months ago and an adorable boutique that you wouldn't find in a tourist area. I slip into red ballet flats and pull my purse out of my backpack, all biking gear gets shoved in my backpack, except the helmet and boots which won't fit. I carry everything out to the main living area with me.

Christian is waiting out in the living room in light blue jeans, grey polo top, and a black leather jacket. It's nice to see him dressing so casual and care-free, before his 'casual' still included fancy pants. One day he will wear a graphic tee and the world will end.

"You can leave that here, I thought we could have dinner here before you go home tonight. Unless you wanted to stay in town for tomorrow," He says.

"I can't stay late Christian, I have to get back to Nova and Comet," I set my gear down on one of the odd accent tables around here. "But I will stay for an early dinner and come back in the morning. Alright?"

"Sure," He smiles. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah. Where are we going?" I ask.

"Anywhere you want, it is a formal dress gala so if you have any ideas?"

"Neiman Marcus has a good collection, it's where I shop mostly."

"Sounds good, I know where that is."

"You should, it's where you bought my clothes," I giggle.

Taylor and Sawyer drive us in the SUV, escorting us inside and around the store as I get distracted by clothes not needed for some Grand Ball. It's situations like these and times with Christian when I feel like Cinderella or Rapunzul, both for different reasons. Anyway, it takes much longer than needed to get from point summer dresses to point evening gowns. I know, the girl who used to love Macy's and Kohl's, now loves the expensive stores, but now I can afford it because I'm not spending money on alcohol or drugs.

"Is there a colour theme?" I ask.

"No, but it's a masquerade."

"Good, so no one will know it's me."

"Except they all already know you're coming with me. Name cards and I called my parents as soon as you said yes," He blushes, he's cute when he's embarrassed.

We're both walking up and down the aisles looking at the different colours and different styles. I either want something bright and bold like red or blue, or I want something simple and black. I'm leaning more towards black as we look through everything, I mean Christian will be in a black tuxedo which will look sleek. He holds up a black dress that I fall in love with and put it on the rack of ones to try on. We both keep looking at Sawyer and Taylor who look very awkward standing in the section watching over us. With five gowns to try on, after about seventy-five minutes in the shop, we move to the private dressing room that he had booked.

I'm on the third dress, it's emerald green and simple but I feel like it looks sick. I walk out and Christian isn't out in the comfy chair anymore, I step out into the store to ask him if it makes me look sick and see him talking to Kate.

"Please, I don't want to wait till tomorrow to talk to her," I hear her plead.

"I can ask her but it's not my decision. You can't just force your way to her," He says.

I roll my eyes at that comment, _that is exactly what you had done Mr Grey so don't be a hypocrite_.

"It's it what you did!" She mirrors my thoughts.

"Kate!" I call out, the both look at me.

She runs over and hugs me tight, nearly knocking me over with impact. Thankfully Taylor was behind me and kept both of us in upright positions. I hug her back and we both exchange apologies, tears, and smiles. Girls can be easy or difficult, with Kate it's like we had a fight over pizza and everything is good now.

"I hate to say this, but it's not your colour," She looks at my dress.

"I was thinking the same thing," I smile, wiping my tears away. "Come help me with my last two choices, you might be more helpful then Christian."

"What I do?" He asks while we all go into the private room.

"You tell me I look beautiful in every one!" I laugh.

"Well you do," He shrugs. "I like this one."

"This one makes me look sick."

Kate and I go behind the curtain and I start to run down the zipper but stop, I really did not think this through right. Christian really hasn't see yet and I don't need her to see how much weight I've lost. I take a deep breath and still let her help me out of this one and into the next one which is red. I don't like the fit, she thinks its a bit awkward, Christian says I'm beautiful and we're onto the last one that is the black one I loved on the rack. This one one, it makes me look good but I panic with the open back. Looking in the mirror you can easily see my shoulder blades, spin and ribs; it's not as bad as they may think, and I am in program to get better with the eating disorder and I've actually gained a lot of weight since I have been back and working closely with Lucy and the clinic as an out-patient.

"Ana?" Kate's voice is hushed as she looks at my reflection.

"I'm better then I was," I choke. "I'm working with a program and have actually been gaining weight and all that again. I promise."

"Okay, and this one is beautiful but maybe not around Christian?"

"How about we get it as my goal dress?" I ask. Lucy talked about a outfit that would fit and look good when I hit my target weight. "The dress I get to wear when I'm not so boney."

"Awesome, lets go find more options then."

We leave Christian on his phone this time to look through the dresses, making sure that the would hide most of my obvious condition but not be too covered you'd think I was old or a nun. We turn away from focusing on floor length gowns and look at some shorter ones too, apparently Kate's gown is knee length. I don't care if my shoulder blades show more, it's mostly my spine and ribs that make me extremely self conscious.

I find one that I really like, full length gown with sleeves and it covers my back but it doesn't look too old or modest at the same time. I really like it, it is something I would be comfortable in to wear in public and with Christian. I forget all the others we have on the rack and carry this one back to the dressing room where Christian is shouting at his phone. Kate and I slip behind the curtain and she helps me into the dress.

"I like it," I examine myself in the mirror. "I just need to find a new pair of nude heels."

"You look gorgeous, and Marchesa Notte makes beautiful clothes," Kate smiles.

We walk out to Christian who hangs up the phone and looks at me, mouth hanging open. Well, we have all had great responses to this dress which means that this is the one: 3/4-Sleeve Embroidered Mermaid Gown by Marchesa Notte. It's around two thousand dollars total at check-out with all the taxes, cheap for a formal dress for a Grey or Kavanaugh reception. The shoes cost eight hundred and are: Christian Louboutin, Rivierina Patent Ankle-Wrap Red Sole Pump, Nude. I'm so thankful that is over and Kate doesn't seem too upset with me, she just keeps asking if I'm okay or good.

"You should join me and Mia tomorrow for hair and makeup, everything is booked but we can call and ask for a third stylist," Kate offers in the parking lot.

"Sure, that would be nice. I will leave my dress and shoes at Christian's and meet you where you are getting things done," I smile, quickly gauging his reaction.

"Brilliant, we're meeting at Habitude at nine tomorrow morning. We're getting waxed, plucked, massaged, hair, makeup, nails… the whole nine yards."

"Awesome, I'll meet you guys there. And I am sorry, Kate."

"I am too," She hugs me. "We pushed too."

Kate joins us for lunch and then goes her own way. Christian and I go for a walk along the marina for the afternoon. He tells me about work and what he's managed to accomplish the past year and a half, some of the big deals that he is working on now, and where he wants to take his company in the near future. I talk about living in France, traveling around Europe for a short while, coming back and finding my Bainbridge house. We walk and talk for hours, like we're the only two here in Seattle without a care in the world.

We finally get back to Escala to have an early dinner so I can make it back to my puppy's. Gail and I talk avidly while she makes a rich Italian dish with lots of carbs and fat, making me nauseous. I excuse myself to find Taylor to talk to him about tomorrow and possibly tonight in case Christian or Gail offer me wine. I find him in the security office looking at monitors and flipping through papers.

"Taylor?" I knock on the open door. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Of course Miss Steele," He waves me in, I close the door behind me and sit in one of the chairs by the desk. "What can I do for you?"

"Call me Ana?" I take breath. "I haven't had anything to drink for fifteen months, I have AA meetings once a week still and talk to Lucy about it. She thinks I should tell someone in case I am offered anything. I'm strong, I can say no, but it's the people offering that I have trouble saying no to."

"Like the Grey's and Kavanaugh's?" He raises a brow.

"Exactly, and I don't want to break now. I trust Christian and Kate, but it's hard to explain it to someone who hasn't been through it, or who may not understand."

"I'll keep an eye out Ana, and if you need air or a break tomorrow night find myself or Sawyer and we can take you away from the tents for some space."

"Thank you, and I will tell him when I'm ready, I'm just not yet."

He nods and I go back out to the kitchen where Gail is finishing up and plating the food, Christian comes from the wine pantry with a bottle of white. It's like swallowing a lump in my throat when he offers me a glass. Good thing I am driving which is a very valid excuse to not allow it into my system, but he pours himself a generous glass as we sit and are served.

We don't talk during dinner, I force myself to eat the whole plate that is three or four times what I normally eat. I leave to change back into my biking gear, hiding back in my room and the bathroom. I set everything on the counter and turn the tap on before going to the toilet and flipping the lid up, Lucy is going to be so disappointed in me. Leaning over the porcelain bowl I use my finger to tickle my gag reflex, expelling the meal from my stomach. After I flush the toilet and move to the sink I rinse out my mouth, wipe the sweat from my face and neck, and chew on a stick of gum. When I know for sure that no more will come up I change into my pants, tank top, and take my jacket out before throwing everything my bag and slipping it over my shoulders. I check the bathroom, making sure that nothing is here that could give me away, and leave it looking it the same.

Christian escorts me to the garage, kisses me goodbye, and tells me he will see me tomorrow after I have my spa day with the girls. The ride back to Bainbridge leaves me lots of time to think of the ramifications of today before Skyping Lucy.

We go through our normal check-in, and she reviews all my texts that I had sent her today. I leave out my food ordeal, knowing that come Monday when I see her in person that she'll know that I've temporarily slipped with the eating. I am willing to slip up with my eating issues but I refuse to slip with alcohol or drugs, those slips are not allowed.

"Are you sure there is nothing else you would like to talk about before we wrap up tonight?" Lucy asks.

"Um… what do I do about food tomorrow and not be obvious about it?" I ask her.

"Do your best, and eat but you don't have to eat everything. You don't have to eat everything placed in front of you or passed around, but eat enough that you get all your food groups and nutrients. For breakfast have a healthy and filling smoothie, lunch can be a salad with fruit. You'll be fine."

"Thanks Lucy."

"Goodnight Ana, text me in the morning."

I switch off my laptop and tay back in my bed. The dogs are laying down, and I'm to tired to shower tonight, I'll do that after my run in the morning. Double checking my alarm I finally nestle down ready to rest. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, never-ending, and somehow I need to make it back tomorrow night to the dogs. I've never left them unsupervised for an overnight before, maybe the neighbour's daughter would check on them if I do get stuck in Bellevue or Seattle.

* * *

 **AN: Good morning my Lovely's. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and are having a beautiful day.**

 **Food for Thought**

 **1 What possible drama could entail at the Coping Together Gala?**

 **2 Do you think our couple will take things slow or fast?**

 **3 Is Ana pushing herself too much or not enough?**

 **Hope you all are enjoying the story, some twists and turns are coming our way in the near future. I'll see you all tonight.**

 **-Mouse**


	27. Chapter 27

I'm standing in the mirror looking at myself, some of the stuff at the spa today was extremely uncomfortable, like the Brazilian wax I was talked into, but I had a good day with Kate and Mia and I know that they'll be there for me at the party tonight. My hair is curled, volumized and held out of my face by a twisted crown braid, I'm in my dress and my shoes and have the clutch that Kate is letting me borrow. I'm good to go, just nervous as hell.

"Are you ready?" Christian knocks on the door.

"Yeah," I shout, taking one last look in the mirror before going out to him. "You look very handsome Mr Grey."

"You look beautiful, Anastasia."

"Thank you Christian," I blush.

We are driven by Taylor in the SUV, all of Christian's other security are already there and set up in their places around the grounds. When we get there we have to walk through press, be greeted by his parents and then go into one of the large party tents or 'marquees' that will be filled with people and alcohol. I catch Taylor's eye in the rear view mirror and he gives me a reassuring nod, everything is going to be fine.

"Here, this is for you," He hands me a box.

I take the lid off and discover a beautiful copper coloured mask with white and gold detailing, and a golden ribbon to hold it to my face. I look up at Christian who is slipping his dark grey one on, really bringing out his eyes. I hold mine to my face and he laces the ribbon into a bow at the back of my head. The car parks and the flashes and questions from reporters start before we get out of the car, I never paid attention as to what they said about me after I left him but I know they won't have nice things to say now.

We make it through the hoard with minimal answers and Christian spitting 'no comment' at most of them, he answered questions of a very quiet and young journalist before tugging me along to his parents. He hugs both of them, I shake Carrick's hand and hug Grace.

"It's good to see you again Anastasia," Carrick smiles.

"You too, this is beautiful," I beam.

"It's all Grace," He nods at his wife who has tears in her eyes.

"You look so happy and healthy in your eyes Ana, it's good to see you like this," She dabs at her tears. "We were both very happy that Christian told us that you would be joining him as his date this evening."

"I am doing much better, thank you. And he's persistent, doesn't stop till he gets what he wants," I tease.

"Of course," She smiles and looks at her son. "Are you both staying the night here? We have a guest room set up for Ana just in case, in the morning the family has a brunch."

"I haven't talked to Anastasia about that yet, but we'll let you know," Christian answers through clenched teeth. "We're going to say hello to others now, we'll meet you at the table."

Christian pulls me towards the two tents that host the festivities, passing by older couples and business associates that he greets but doesn't stop to talk with. In the tent Christian is attacked by a ball of pink that slams into his arms and nearly knocking him right off his feet. I laugh because he's stunned and Mia looks pleased with herself.

"Good Lord, Mia. Calm down, you saw me two days ago!" He pushes her off him.

"Ana, you look incredible. Come get a drink with me and my friends," She bubbles.

"We've just walked in Mia, we'll get drinks when we're ready," Christian buts in. _Thank God._ "We'll see you at the table." He pulls me away from pretty much everyone, looking over all of the guests here. "I want to warn you now, Bennett and Stephanie will be here. They donate a lot of money to this charity and come every year, I'll keep you away from them."

I put my hands on his chest, taking a step back to look up at him then over at the crowd. Even with the masks I know for a fact that I would immediately find them in the crowd, either by their clothes, hair or how they stand. They're not here, not yet.

"Mia asked me to do the first dance auction at the spa," I say.

"You don't have to when you know that fucker will bid on you," He growls.

"Christian, I'm doing it. If he bids on me, let him. I can take care of myself, don't go red or green just let me handle it. He won't come up and initiate anything if I am with you and your family. Alright?" I kiss his cheek.

"I don't like that."

"I don't care, it's my life. If you have a fit I can leave."

He rolls his eyes and shows me to our table near the front by the speech/auction stage. The names are beautifully written out in calligraphy in a silver ink, the place settings are amazing and everything about this place is not like something I would ever be accepted in. I look down at the dress and know that this is not me, it's Christian. Forty-eight hours later and I am already turning back into his puppet, trying to be what he needs and change to make him happy. There are little cards on each place setting going over the meal which is large, all Christian and his lifestyle. He leaves me for a moment, coming back with two glasses of white wine and I feel like the ground just needs to open up and swallow me whole. Taylor walks over and takes Christian's attention away from me and the wine. He walks away with both the glasses and the air is light. I go over to the bar and wave down the older bartender.

"What can I get you?" He smiles.

"Something that looks like wine but is not in a wine glass," I say. "I can't have alcohol."

"Pregnant?"

"Recovering alcoholic, please. The people I'm with don't know, and I don't want it to be obvious."

"Of course, just come to me when you want a refill all night," He shows me a bottle of non-alcoholic Cabernet Sauvignon. "We carry it for the pregnant ladies, and the responsible ones like you. It doesn't taste half bad either."

"Thank you. You're very kind."

"Thirty years, Kid. Thirty years, six months and seventeen days since I had my last drink. I get what you're going through. How long for you?"

"Fifteen months. How do you work around it and not get tempted?"

"One because I'll be fired. Two, it's about control. I am controlling it instead of it controlling me. Power of the mind, blah blah blah." He chuckles. "Now go find your date, I doubt you dressed up to talk with the old bartender. I'll be here all night."

I laugh and take the glass of alcohol free wine, thank him, and go and find Christian back at the table just in time for the MC to announce that we are to take our seats. With Christian on one side and Kate on the other I feel good, knowing the bartender of all people understands me is amazing, and no one has yelled at me yet. I'll play sheep for tonight, but I am going back to being me as soon as the clock strikes twelve. I make sure to nibble on each round of food but never eat half of the plate. Grace excuses herself before the speeches start to deal with some sort of issue and comes back clearly not having it fixed.

"What's wrong Mom?" Elliot asks.

"We had a speaker coming who spent some of her high school years in foster care, she was going to speak about how the new Treehouse Initiative would have helped her during that time period," Grace sighs.

"What's the Treehouse Initiative?" I ask.

"We started it under Christian's guidance last year," Carrick explains. "There are homes and apartments all over the city for children in foster care to go without question 24/7. If they're afraid, in bad homes, in trouble of any kind there is support and a safe place with a roof. It's a branch to protect kids in privatized homes."

"My list," I say to myself, glancing at Christian

"Christian bought all the properties and we had it up and going in five months," Grace smiles. "It's been wonderful."

I nod, absorbing everything. How this whole thing takes multiple areas from my list and implements them.

"I'll do it," I blurt. "I'll talk. I'm not prepared but I can talk about this."

"Are you sure Ana? You shouldn't push yourself," Christian inputs.

"Back off Christian, I know my limits," I roll my eyes.

I go off with Grace to thoroughly understand what she wants to be discussed, what my experiences are, and what I need to say to bring in more donations. Well she is going to be in for a surprise because I am donating two million at the end of my speech. I am also going to make Bennett and Stephanie squirm in their seats until they're so uncomfortable they leave. They are going to wish they never messed with me, Christian will wish he never tried to hold me back, and Grace will hopefully be happy about the money.

We go back and sit at our seats, finish with dessert and listen to Carrick introduce the speakers and how the rest of the night will run. Grace has a speech, one of the runners of the Treehouse houses, and then me. I take my mask off and leave it at my seat while Carrick helps me up the stairs on the side of the stage, that would have been embarrassing if I'd have face-planted.

"Good Evening, my name is Anastasia Steele and I'm twenty-two years old," I laugh, _that sounds like the beginning of every NA and AA meeting_. "I didn't grow up with real great parents, my dad had multiple strokes before he passed and my mother killed herself. I got placed, thrown, in the system when I was sixteen years old after being picked up by two cops and a social worker from our home in Montesano. The three nights I stayed in a state group home, it wasn't horrible but it wasn't great. The bunk rooms in those places have beds for like thirty kids stacked on top of each other and everyone is fighting and crying all the time. It's a transition place, the social workers talk to you, figure out what to do with you, and get rid of you as soon as they find an open room.

"I only had one home after that, a home with four other foster kids and two parents who we're presumed to be cookie-cutter perfect. It was here in Seattle, in a beautiful home over in Washington Park, a block in from Lake Washington. He worked in finances and she worked as a publicist, both with ties to upper class parties and social groups. It was a privatized home, where they got money from the grand corporations in turn for having five kids in their house and feeding them. They got double the amount of money that they would have gotten from the state department, but the state department had withdrawn their rights to be foster parents because of accusations by the kids in their home about abuse and neglect. Nothing legal happened because the kids all refused to testify out of fear and threats, but since there was no legal proceedings they were passed by with super corp to be a private foster home.

"I wasn't there long, twenty one months give or take, and in the time I was there I suffered more harm and suffering then in the eight troubling years with my parents. In those months I was beat, burned, cut, manipulated, groomed and made to be their puppet. If I was told to stay home from school I would, or if I was told to make dinner or clean up dinner; no matter what I was told I would do it because I was scared of what would happen to me. I was told I was fat and I was a size too, but when I didn't eat I was being rude and ungrateful for all they had done. There was no even ground and I was in the middle of the ages that were there. I felt guilty knowing I couldn't protect anyone and would make sure I would have the negative attention so they wouldn't get hurt. I couldn't get help, I couldn't talk to anyone, and they had a group of people, friends, who they would bring in to join in on the fun of tormenting us.

"I had no where to go, no where I could feel safe. Every time I left I knew that I would have to go back there and it was my home. Social workers rarely check on the kids in private homes, and looking that couple you wouldn't think poorly of them. They had high paying jobs, donated hundreds and thousands of dollars to organizations like this, they'd come to parties like the one now and portray their love for victimized kids only to victimize them more. I used to dream of an initiative such as the one we're promoting tonight."

I take a sip of water and look around the crowd, finding Bennett and Stephanie who have their masks off and look like they've stomached something sour. A lot of the women are tearing up, Kate and Mia are a mess. I'm starting to tear up but I have to keep it in.

"To have a place that you know is safe and where the people who are supposed to be taking care of you won't find you and hurt you. If I had a place like that I wouldn't have lived through months of grooming, the other kids there would not have had to live there too. If there was anything like that then they would not be allowed to still be foster parents because I know that they are, and that's the sad part. While initiatives and facilities like these grow the abusers also grow and get smarter, they're developing as fast as places like this but if places like this get a foot up and adapt faster. The Treehouse Initiative gives the kids in the system to not go through the abuse again and again and again. It does and will help these harmful cycles end. I would do anything to change the past and not have the history I have but I can't, but I know that there are answers and this is one of them.

"I want to thank the Grey's for accepting me, for Coping Together to taking in this new program to help more kids who deserve a chance to thrive and survive. That is why tonight I am going to donate two million dollars to the Treehouse Initiative, to take one of many steps I can to stop people like my foster parents, and to make sure that it never happens again. Thank you."

I get off the stage and while everyone stands and claps I head right for Taylor to take me out for some space because if I don't run or play or breathe right, right now I am going to drink.

* * *

 **AN: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter.**

 **Keep up the reviews and favourites and follows. They make all the effort and procrastination worth while.**

 **Have a good night/morning/afternoon.**

 **-Mouse**


	28. Chapter 28

Taylor is right behind me as I stomp away from the tents, he directs me up to the house that is technically off limits but we know that since I'm somehow still considered 'family' that I can go in since I won't cause issues up there. He locks the doors behind us as I pace from wall to another like a caged animal. I'm so twitchy and adrenaline pumped.

"May I ask why nothing has been done about your foster parents?" Taylor breaks the silence. "Why you haven't done anything?"

"No evidence, a system that doesn't believe the kids it's supposed to protect. I had told my social worker multiple times I wasn't safe, that they would hurt us and punish us… it did nothing until Dylan turned over Elena and at least during that trial kids were out of their care but put back in when nothing came up on them."

"But your injuries and times in the hospital?"  
"Eighty-five percent was Elena, nine percent was just me, and six percent would have been Bennett but I covered for him because I was scared and stupid. Kennedy told her social worker that he broke my arm, but he told me if I confirmed what she said that he'd kill me. You don't keep secrets because you want to, you do it because you have too."

"Which is why you haven't given Mr Grey anything to do something about it."

"He can't. Trust me. And after how he beat Bennett up I doubt that they'd go down easy. They'd find a way to take him down with them, to feed him to the wolves. I'll never give Christian enough to take it into his own hands, he'd ruin himself."

I breathe, preparing myself to go back out there and face the music. I stop in the hall powder room to touch up my makeup before heading back to the tent with Taylor, just in time for them to start auctioning things off. I quickly sit while they're bringing up the next item. Kate hugs me and Christian's hand immediately takes hold of my thigh. I reach and take a sip from my wine but spit it right back into the cup, it's not my wine.

"Sorry, I saw you were out and got you another red. I'm guessing it was the wrong one and you don't like it," Kate says.

"I'll get more when I'm ready, I'll just stick to my water for now," I grab my water and try to get the taste our of my mouth. "What have they auctioned off already?"

"Nothing much of interest," Mia shrugs.

Christian draws my attention to him, tugging me and my chair closer to him with my thigh. His eyes are swimming with anger and concern that revolve around me. I don't want to talk about this, fight about this. If Bennett bids on me Christian has to let him, after that I will be with him the rest of the night, I hope he understands that.

Mia and Kate pull me up onto the stage for the first dance auction, which I don't pay attention to until they get to me. What I did notice is that Elliot and Christian were being mean and bidding on Mia while her date had to bid against them. Assholes, but at least Elliot quit before Christian to bid on Kate. My bidders go between two people of who I don't know, Bennett and Christian. There are no words that can contain how angry I am at Christian for not keeping to his word. I look at Kate and Elliot who seem to both kick him in the shin, keeling him over into his seat. I kind of explained to Kate what I needed after I agreed to do this stupid thing, that if I looked at her she is to shut Christian up and not let him bid on me. I think Elliot joined in just to get a chance to kick his brother. Bennett wins and helps me off the stage, at least being in very open public I know that he won't try anything stupid.

"You don't understand your place do you," He harshly whispers.

"I know it's not under you," I smirk.

We make our way through to the second tent where a dance floor, bar and stage for the live band to play. People from the other tent slowly filter in.

"You're risking a lot if you're trying to bring me down."

"It's not a risk if you already have nothing to lose."

"Ah, but we all have something to lose, Anastasia. I mean, what would Christian think if he knew that you liked it when things got rough."

"You don't know what I like, what satisfies me. I am thankful every day that you never got that far, that Elena stopped you from doing that."

"Ha! Do you not understand that Elena was saving you for someone special to her? That if things had stayed on he would have ripped you to pieces. Who knows, maybe he does."

"What are you talking about?"

"Christian was her favourite toy, he listened and became exactly how she wanted. You still fell into the arms of who she wished, lost your _virtue_ to who she wanted, and you actually think he loves you. You're weak and stupid."

"Everyone a part of the auction, take your place," Grace announces from the stage.

Bennet holds me close, uncomfortable close, but at least in a proper dance position. I look over at Christian who is shooting daggers and me, well Bennett, but he doesn't stop when we lock eyes. He's furious with me, and that answers the question of whether or not I am going home or not tonight. _Frank Sinatra: My Way_ , could they have not picked a different song?

"Christian's nothing like how you say," I say.

"He's not? Well I've heard he loves to whip and fuck little brown-haired girls like you. It's why Elena figured you'd be perfect for him, his exact type and you're naturally submissive. What more could someone like him want?"

"You don't know him."

"Maybe not, but I know who made him, who gave him money to start his company. I know what he is, I've see him at his darkest moments, and I can't wait for him to finally snap and break you."

"Did he know? Did he know she was training someone? About me?"

"I don't know that answer, but I know what he can do to you. You just need more training, more time. You need to be protected, you're tiny and weak, and I can supply someone who can give you that, who won't see red and go into a blind rage. You just have to do one thing."

"Not hand you to the authorities on a silver platter?"

"That and make sure you stop your boyfriend fro doing that same thing."

"I don't control Christian."

"I know. He controls you," He laughs. "You've been around him for a couple days and you're already the perfect little submissive. I'm going to assume he's waiting for the right time to pull you into his playroom to show you who he really is."

"How do you know how long I've been back?"

"Elena has eyes everywhere, even if she is behind bars. I wanted to keep tabs on you and she's helped me do so. You've always been special to me."

"So you know everything that I have done since I've left you and Steph?"

"I know everything."

There is a hitch in my breath as I try to pull away, he holds me tight and I look up at him. He's in control right now, and there is no way I can reign mine in.

"I know about the clubs," He continues. "How you've really found your place as a slave in the BDSM community while in Europe. I know that you've accepted your place there but yet you still defy me. Am I not the one who made you?"  
"You're the one who destroyed me," I spit. "You took everything that made me, me and ripped it from me and never let me have it back. Sure, I like the kink and the submission in turn of being in control out of my life. I won't be walked over anymore though."

"But isn't that what you're letting Christian do? You're here because he wants you here. I know this is not something you'd willingly do," He smiles. "He offers you alcohol, but wasn't he the one trying to get you out of that. He wants you to rely and depend on him. He wants you to feel like there is nothing left for you but him."

"You know nothing."

"No, but I can read you. So what is it, does he not care about your fifteen months sober or does he not know?"

"I haven't told him."

"You don't trust him."

"I love him!"

"You don't know what that is. No one has truly showed you love, Sweetie. All you know is a firm hand and to you that is love. Does he know about the eating disorder? If he doesn't then you know he doesn't care, because I noticed as soon as you walked up on that stage."

My heart is racing, I fill dizzy and ill. Everything is wrong, I can't listen to him and believe him when he is wrong. Christian is not who he is trying to make me believe, no matter how accurate it may seem or how well it plays on how I feel about him sometimes.

"I don't want him to know," I stammer.

"Because you know he'll punish you if he does. He will take his frustrations out on you when he finds out. It's not about if now, Hun, it's about when."

The song finally ends and I am free to leave his company, he can leave my bubble and never enter it again.

"It was a pleasure seeing you again, Anastasia. I know you know how to reach me if you need to," He kisses my hand and walks back to Stephanie.

Christian's arms wrap around me, cradle me, and then sweep me into a playful waltz to _Witchcraft_. He is an annoyingly good dancer, one that would win if he was ever a contestant on _Dancing with the Stars_. Oh My God, he has to do that and it would let me meet some of the most incredible dancers out there.

"Are you alright?" He asks.

"I'm good, we just talked and sorted shit out," I peck his cheek.

"Are you sure? If you talked to me about your time there you'd never have to see him again. They'd be in prison where they belong."

"I don't need you to rescue me, I am handling this. Handling him."

"Fine, I won't press this. Just know I'm here."

"I do know, I do." I pause, trying to control my breathing. "I need to get some air."

I pull away from him and run out of the tent, staying out in the yard and in view of the tent. I can't believe that I am letting Bennett get in my head, or that he noticed what was wrong with me without having to say anything. That he was willing to talk to me about it but Christian has either not seen it or has just ignored it. I can't stop the thoughts that Christian knows exactly who I am to him, that I was being created for him.

"Ana?" He stays a few feet away from me. "What's wrong?"

"Did you know?" I seethe.

"What?"

"Did you know? Have you known all along? God, I thought coming back we would have both changed and grown."

"Ana, you're just having a melt down."

"I'm not! I want you to tell me if you knew about Elena and her plans. If I have to say it because you're playing done, I'm done."

Taylor and Sawyer are close by, walking closer and moving so that someone will be by each of us to hold us back. I don't know if they want to hear what either of us have to say though, and you can only play deaf to so much.

"I knew. I knew your name, that Elena would sing your praises and say you'd need some more time or training. She promised I'd be your first, but that was all before I changed and when she was still in my life and in my head." He tries to get closer to me but I just step back. "I'm not that person anymore! God, I thought things were going to be better. I thought you were getting better, but you're not are you?"

"Taylor," I call out. "Take me back to Escala. I need to change and go home."

"Of course Ana," He's by my side and leading me up to the house immediately.

"Don't walk away, again," Christian croaks.

"I'm not stopping you from going to your own home," I sigh. "I'm just stopping you from lying to me, and I want to be home with my dogs tonight in a place I feel safe."

It's a silent drive to Escala, and in the apartment he goes into his office as I head to my room. I don't want to walk away again, I don't have that much strength. I do know that I want to prove Bennett right or wrong. I grab my cell and weave my hair into one long braid down my back, still in my formal wear I go up to the red room which is locked. Thank you Dylan for teaching me how to pick a lock.

I slip inside and look around, nothing has changed since that first time I found it. Wow, another lie from him. He said he was going to take things out and change the look for us to come in here, I guess he was waiting till I was at my weakest point. Closing my eyes I think about what Elena's 'training' had me do. _Strip out of your clothes, leaving on your panties on. Hair in one braid. Kneel down by the entrance, hands on thighs. Only address those as Sir, Ma'am, Mistress or Master. Don't speak. Not allowed to say no. Take everything, don't cry or complain._ I know her rules are not like the ones in the clubs, but this is what Christian wants, and this will prove his guilt or innocence. I take my phone out to text him, addressing him like I've been told.

 **I'm waiting for your orders Master, I am yours. -A**

* * *

 **AN: My Oh My! What could possibly happen now? Let me know what you all though, and I hope you loved the chapter.**

 **Food For Thought**

 **1 What will Christian do/how will he react?**

 **2 Is Ana acting how she should? Is this a good idea?**

 **3 Who pushed who too much in this chapter?**

 **4 Will Ana tell Christian about the clubs?**

 **Hope you all loved this. I'll see you tonight.**

 **-Mouse**


	29. Chapter 29

I keep my eyes closed and breathe as the minutes pass, I figure he thinks I am in my room or his room so I am giving him all the time he needs to find me here. This isn't something new to me, I got really into the scene while in Europe and have interacted with a variety of Dom's who were all different from each other. Christian's not the average Dom though, he was created and taught by the cruelest sadist I've ever seen. There is no reason to believe that he has the training or thought of any of the other Dom's I've worked with, and since Elena didn't allowed safe-words or limits I will believe that this is how I am to work with Christian too.

The door clicks open and closed behind me, his feet and legs come into view as he stands over me. His feet emanate power and control, that's a little frightening.

"Ana?" His voice is weak. "Why are you doing this?" I don't answer, I don't have permission. "Do you think I need this?" His voice is growing stronger but I don't react to the change. "You really think this is your place with me?" He's getting angry, tense. "For fucks sake. Answer me!"

"Yes Sir, I believe this s my place with you. I was created for you Sir, and I wish to please you," I am a little to convincing for myself.

"Ana, this is not what I want with you. I know you're not this person."

Don't roll your eyes. Don't roll your eyes. Don't roll your eyes. Rolling your eyes at a time like this will just end really poorly for you.

"I'm afraid you're wrong Sir. I am this person, and I know that this is what you want Sir, that this is what pleases you."

His breathing which is more like panting is a dead give away that this is turning him on. I know if I looked up he would have a large bulge in his trousers that he'd not be able to hide no matter how hard he tried to adjust himself.

"Ana, look at me and talk to me."

I look up at him, nibbling on my lip. His eyes are dark, fill with want and lust and I know immediately that this is who he is.

"What would you like me to say, Sir?"

"Why can I see your spine? Not just that, your skeleton is quite obvious right now and that is not healthy."

Fuck, the whole super skinny thing had left my mind while operating on stupid impulse. I leap to my feet and move for my dress but he stops me, holds me on the spot and traces the prominent bones. I look down and watch his hands trace across my ribs and breast bone. It tickles but I don't squirm as much as I'd love to.

He drops to his knees in front of me, kissing both hip bones, moves up and kisses my ribs, breast bone, skipping over my breasts and nipples, kisses my clavicle, neck, chin, cheekbones, eye lids. He stops and picks me up, laying me down on the bed and rolls me onto my stomach. He takes his time kissing up every visible vertebrae, rib, shoulder blade before paying close attention to my neck again. This really should not turn me on, it is. I never usually let Dom's pay attention to how skinny I am but then again most don't care. _Christian isn't just your average Dominant, you love him and he loves you and that changes everything. You can't have anything normal with him, not a normal vanilla and not a normal D/s._

He slips my panties off my body and strips from his clothing at the side of the bed. I lay on my back and watch him reveal his skin and muscles, reveal his erection. I lick my lips and look up at him as he crawls up my body, lining himself up with my wet core.

"Do you want this to stop?" He asks.

I shake my head, "No."

I watch his face transform into the epitome of pleasure as he slides into my dripping core, my hips raising to meet his every thrust. I wrap my arms around his neck and bite into his shoulder. I forgot how he made me feel, how he stretches me and makes me feel whole. Fuck, he is going so slow though.

"Faster, Christian," I kiss and suck on his neck. "Harder."

"No Anastasia," He kisses my mouth, I growl. "I don't need anything like this anymore."

"I may look it, but I'm not breakable. I like it when I'm manhandled."

"Fuck," He growls.

He slides one of my legs up his back, giving him deeper entry before that hand runs back down my leg to squeeze and massage my ass. He's not going faster, but he's harder and deeper and I'm so close to that precipice where I will combust into a thousand different feelings and colours. I'm clawing at his back, feeling him everywhere.

"Let go," He whispers in my ear. "Cum for me, Anastasia."

"Fuck, Christian," I grit out, cumming and trembling under him.

He thrusts faster, holding me in my glorious oblivion till he stills, cumming in me with a roaring thunder.

Thank you God, for not allowing me to sit in actual anger and for what I've known for a while talking with Lucy to be right. Thank you for Bennett still being wrong. He says we don't know love but that was it, if there was no love we couldn't have done that. I've never felt that with anyone else and I hope he never has either.

"So, did I please you?" I giggle.

He pulls out and kisses me fiercely on the lips.

"Absolutely, no lets go get you cleaned up," He wraps me in the sheet covering the bed and slips his boxers on before carrying me down to his bedroom. "I'm thinking a bath then bed."

"Okay. You're not mad at me?"

"No, and I thought you were the one mad at me."

He sets me on the bathroom counter, turning on the taps to fill the tub. He hands me a basket to pick out the bath oil I want in tonight, but they all smell so good. I have all the bottles open and keep smelling each of them. I want them all but then it would smell gross. Finally I decide on lavender and lemongrass. Lavender reminds me of this amazing lavender ice cream I had in Sorrento last summer, I paired it with a mint and lemon gelato: heaven.

"I get ruled by my emotions and the thoughts some people manage to plant, it's not as bad as before but it still happens," I admit as we settle in the warm water.

"He knows you, how to manipulate you. Now do you see while I didn't want you being near him, why I want you to help me lock him up," He massages my shoulders.

"I get it, but I am trying to work things through on my own."

"I love that, but you don't have to. Let me in, why won't you let me do something?"

"Because he has things on me, and I'd rather they not come out."

"Well," He kisses the back of my head. "If you talk about it and tell people first then he won't have anything to hold over you."

"I'm not ready yet Christian."

"Whenever you are, I'll be here. Just don't let something like tonight happen again. I don't want to lose you again over miscommunication and assumptions. We both have hot heads when acting in the moment."

"At least I don't beat people up."

"Funny Miss Steele."

"As ever Mr Grey."

I dress in the pyjamas I brought just in case I stayed here and head for my room but Christian pulls me into his bed, curtains open, and holds me close to him. I relax my muscles and let my body mould to his.

"Will you come with me to brunch in the morning?" He asks.

"I have to go back to my animals," I answer.

"What if I send Taylor or Sawyer first thing in the morning to pick them up? They can come with us to brunch."

"I'll go at first light and I'll bring them back in my Jeep. They won't just go with people, Christian and I don't want to see how Taylor or Sawyer end up after Comet goes into attack mode," I negotiate.

"Can I come?"

"You'd be riding on the back of my bike."

"I trust you not to kill me."

"Please, I got my motorcycle license before my car one. You'll live."

I fall asleep in the arms of someone who completely confuses my heart and mind, hundreds of feet above Seattle, and I feel content with how things played out. I mean I did have a fit, but he did lie, and then I tricked him, but then we made love and had an amazing bath. It could have been better, but it could have been much worse.

I stand in the garage with Christian, he's wearing my backpack since he will be behind me and he can cling to me like a koala. He keeps asking about safety measures and if I'm sure we don't just want to go out in one of his extremely safe vehicles where he knows he won't die. It's five a.m. there is hardly anyone awake at this time on a Sunday, let alone on the roads driving about. We only have so much time to kill, I booked my ferry time and he needs to choose whether or not he is joining me or not. I pull on my helmet and straddle the seat, looking back at him. He makes a show of donning his helmet and getting on behind me, mumbling something about a death machine and open targets.

Pulling up to my place at six Christian is happy as he could be, talking about how light and freeing and what not being on the bike was compared to in a car. _Ding ding, we have a winner of why people bike instead of drive._ He leaves his helmet and leather coat in the garage to follow me out back to the pen where my girls are.

"When do we have to be there?" I ask.

"Around ten, why?"

"I packed some running gear of yours in the bag. I take the girls on a run every morning if you want to come. Or you can just hang out here."

"No, I'll come. Can't be that hard. Right?"

I laugh, letting the girls out of the pen and up into the house. We change in my room and in turn look like rivals. He's in Nike and I'm in Adidas, no brand mixing with another. I check my FitBit, making sure that my battery is still charged since I last plugged it in.

"Just tell me when you've about had enough and we will come back," I look at him as we prepare to leave my driveway. "Okay?"

"I'll be fine it's not that hard to run, but shouldn't you put leashes on them."

"They never go far from me, now come on. We're behind schedule."

He starts of great, he can keep up and is running beside me. A third of the way through our normal route he has slowed down a lot, Nova hangs back around him. Half way through he needs a break, if he thinks this is a lot then he has another thing coming for him. He turns back before I do, and I still catch up with him walking on my way back. The last half mile we race back to my property and into the foyer. I feed the dogs and give them water, chugging a litre of water and find Christian laying on the back deck. I toss him a water before starting on breakfast, the meal I am really good at eating.

"What are you making?" He shouts from the deck.

I look over at him and he's snuggle up with Nova and Comet, it looks like I know how to tire Christian out before the day even begins.

"Scrambled eggs, bacon, fruit salad, smoothies; I normally have more but we're leaving to your parents soon." I call back, this feels very domestic. "Do you need more water?"

"I need new legs, you run too much."

"You need more stamina, Mr Grey," I shoot him an innuendo.

"Ugh," He groans. "How far do you run a day? How long?"

He crawls up from the deck and inside to the breakfast bar to watch me cook. I hand him another bottle of water for the poor soul.

"I run marathon's Christian, I have three big ones in the fall and two this summer in Seattle. I want to beat the two hour and eighteen minute record that is held at the Boston Marathon, and I don't run the whole time, I walk and jog too."

"Right, but a marathon is what, twenty-six miles. You had to have gone farther than that this morning."

"I did ten miles this morning, you did seven-ish."

"Feels more." He pouts.

"What do you do in the gym?"  
"Kickboxing."

"Well then, you need to work on your cardio. I thought you did runs with Taylor."

"Five miles at most."

I laugh and hand him his plate, I serve myself and set down the smoothies for both of us. Christian makes a move to feed the dogs bacon but I immediately shut that down, promising him that he can give them treats when we get them in the Jeep. Before he gets that chance we shower separately and dress. I keep it classy but simple with a denim flare dress that has buttons up the middle with a thick brown belt around my waist, letting my hair dry naturally I grab a large sunhat and sunglasses. Christian's in dark jean shorts and white t-shirt button up.

Christian gets the dogs in the back of my Jeep Wrangler Rubicon, they have leashes that keep them inside when I have the top off like it is right now. He's happier with this then the bike still. I make sure that my pass for the ferry is in the dash and grab a bag of things for the dogs including: leashes, food/water bowls, treats, balls, poo bags, chew toys, and blankets so they don't go on their furniture.

"Ready?" He asks.

"Kind of," I hand him two treats that he happily gives to the dogs. "How are we going to explain the sudden disappearance?"

"Easy, we decided to go to your place last night for the dogs. We are showing up in your car with your dogs, I think it's valid."

"Whatever you say."

* * *

 **AN: Things are changing for our couple. Hope you liked the chapter.**

 **Have a good night.**

 **-Mouse**


	30. Chapter 30

**AN: Sorry it's a little late guy's. Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

We pull up in front of his parents house and there are more cars in the drive then there are family members that live locally, and none of them are with Christian's security team. It raises my heart rate since I thought that this was just going to be his family and not a bunch of randoms who I don't know and don't like. It's much easier to eat in front of people I trust then the people I don't, and I'm not ready for this again. I quickly text Lucy about what's happening, and what happened last night before hopping out of the Jeep. Christian is holding up the leashes that I had in the console between us.

"Comet's is the pink one and Nova's is the purple one, it's that way with everything I have for them," I explain.

He hooks their leashes to their collars but then I take them and he takes my purse and the bag of dog things I brought, kind of like a baby bag. Instead of going for the front door and taking the dogs though their house we walk around to the back patio and towards the open folding glass doors.

"Christian, Ana, it's great to have you both here!" Grace chimes.

"Mother," Christian hugs her. "I hope you don't mind but we brought Anastasia's dogs, Comet and Nova."

"No problem, you can take them off leash if you're not worried about them running off the property," Grace smiles. "They're also allowed inside where everyone else is plating up before we come out here to sit down."

"Thank you Grace, this is very kind of you. I was a little nervous but Christian insisted about bringing them without talking to you first."

"Not at all, come in dear."

"That's alright. I'm not hungry. I'll wait here till everyone filters out."

Grace scurries back inside leaving Christian and I alone outside, with him visibly displeased about me telling her how I'm not hungry. I am, but I don't want to bring the dogs in or leave them alone out here, and I don't want to eat in front of people again.

"I'm getting you a plate," He says, kissing my neck.

"Anastasia, I'm surprised to see you here this morning," Stephanie smirks.

"Don't react," I whisper at Christian. "I have a plan, and I will need your help but it will work better if you don't kill anyone first."

"Fine, but then you're eating all I plate for you by the time we leave."

"Aye, aye Captain," I salute him.

He goes in after Kate, Elliot and Mia walk out and find their seats around the table, Kate leaves her plate to drop onto the grass and give my dogs some love. Mia runs over to join her, knocking Elliot's arm and having him dump orange juice all over his lap.

"Sorry, El," Mia doesn't even look at him. "Can we take them off the leashes?"  
"Yeah, of course," I unclip both who stick close to me. "They're my guard dogs, loving puppies unless they take you as a threat," I look right at Stephanie. "The shepherd is Comet and the retriever is Nova."

"Dad, I want a dog," Mia goes back to the table.

"When you move out you can have one," Carrick laughs.

I sit between Mia and Christian, right across from Bennett and Stephanie. Grace and Carrick sit at either end while other family and close friends are scattered about. Mr and Mrs Trevelyan are sat on either side of Grace, talking joyously with their daughter about the event last night and how everything was so beautiful. I remember them at our table last night, a very lively elderly couple who picked on their grandsons because they want great-grandchildren.

"You had a remarkable speech last night, Ana," Mrs Trevelyan smiles. "It really makes you think about how the system can work opposite the children's favours."

"Thank you Mrs T," I bream.

"Do you know where those foster parents of yours are, Dear?" Grace asks.

I pop a grape into my mouth and look at Bennett, Stephanie and then up at Christian. Comet is getting restless under the table but remains firmly placed between myself and Bennett, she's in guard dog mode. I knew that it was always good and safe to trust dogs judgement. Christian pretends to drink from his coffee cup, instead swearing into his coffee and cursing the world and those who control these circumstances.

"It was less then seven years ago Ana, you're still within the statute of limitations if you did want to take legal action," Mia speaks with authority.

"Carrick, may I ask a few questions?" I look down at the head of the table.

"Of course, ask away," He motions with his arms.

"If I were to take legal action, but they had things to blackmail me what would happen?"

"Well, it would be footage of you as a minor or information of you as a minor it would be illegal for them to release it and in turn harm them and provide more evidence against them in the court of law," He explains.

"What would their charges be? I mean, it was years ago."

Stephanie reaches out and takes a very shaky sip of her tea, pushing away her plate that is still half full, and leaning far from the table in her seat.

"Probably child abuse, child endangerment and neglect; it all depends on what you want to testify with and if we can get anyone else who has been in their care to testify against them. It also depends if they furthered the abuse past the time in your care."

"Like if they were still threatening her now?" Elliot asks.

"Exactly, then you can press for harassment," Carrick nods.

"So Ana would win, if she turned them in?" Kate asks.

"Ana would have the best lawyers in the state, of course she would win. I would work with you Anastasia, and you'd have all of us on your side. We'd make sure that nothing would happen to you, you'd be safe."

"I kept a journal, noting everything that happened every single day I was with them. Every injury, bruise has a polaroid picture taped to the page of the day it happened along with the excuses I was forced to tell the hospitals," I admit.

"You have something like that and you never told me?" Christian sits up straight.

"I keep it in my safety deposit box, I never wanted to lose it or have it fall into the wrong hands. It would incriminate them, wouldn't it?"

"Yes it would. May I ask why you've never pressed this before?" Mr Trevelyan says.

"I was scared, and their voices have always been in my head."

I slip the grilled chicken into my hands off my plate, watch Christian and when I know he is not looking and won't notice I slip it under the table to Nova and Comet. I eat two cherry tomatoes off my plate and look around at everyone. Bennett and Stephanie look extremely uncomfortable at this table, sitting at the edge of their seats with their legs shaking. Christian has noticed it too, he won't take his eyes off Bennett. The rope is about to break.

"Honey, last night during your speech you said something that had me thinking," Grace calls my attention. "That the foster parents you had would go to gala's like Coping Together, show face. Were yours there last night?"

Christian grunts, I elbow him in the side. I really don't want to ruin their lovely brunch but I don't think that there is a way that this is going to end well today. Not with Christian and Bennett here, not with the way this conversation is turning out to be. Christian passes me his cell and I look at the screen, the text conversation and Taylor's last text reads: **Sawyer and I on our way. 1 patrol car and 1 detective coming. ETA 5 mins**. That was sent four minutes ago, he butted his fat head in when he already promised not too.

"Ana?" Grace coax's me to answer.

"Yes, yes they were there last night," The doorbell rings and Christian offers to answer. "I saw them a few times last night which is why I had to leave the festivities early." I take a deep breath and look right at Bennett and Stephanie. "I wanted to tell you last night, especially when I found out that they were there but I was scared. I'm still scared now because as soon as I say their names it becomes real and everything change. Everyone here will look at me differently."

"We won't, we just want to help you and protect you. You're family," Carrick urges.

"Ana Sweet, you can let it all out and let it go. It will feel bloody good once you get those no goods off the streets and where they belong," Mrs Trevelyan chuckles. "Have you not wanted to let all that black matter out."

"I have, but I don't want to ruin everyone's day," I take hold of Nova and Comet's collars. "You've provided a beautiful brunch and today is to be a happy day."

"You get those fuckers behind bars and it will be a happy day," A friend insists.

"How would it ruin today, Dear?" Grace asks.

"Bennett? Stephanie?" I cock my head to the side. "Is there anything you'd like to add to this conversation. I know you'd have lots of input into the topic."

Everyone moves to look at them now, I see Christian walk around the house with Taylor and Sawyer behind him. I watch the gears slowly turn in everyone's heads, waiting for it to click into place.

"You let me let you dance with that fucker!" Kate screeches, leaping to her feet. "Have you lost it? I thought it was just a stick to Christian, independence thing!"

Bennett and Stephanie stand up, not currently threatened by Kate. It finally clicks in everyone's heads and Elliot, Carrick and Mr Trevelyan leap up to their feet. Christian, Taylor and Sawyer run up to the patio, Christian pulls me out of my chair and to him. I lose my grip on Comet who bolts from under the table and tackles Bennett to the ground. Taylor's on the radio, speaking to whoever on the other end.

"Comet, heel," I shout, "Here!"

Comet and Nova run to my side as everything morphs into slow motion. Kate is suddenly trying to scramble over the table but is scooped over Elliot's shoulder. Grace looks upset and furious, ready for the kill but is stopped by both of her parents. Police are containing, arresting, Bennett and Stephanie with the help of Carrick and Sawyer. Mia's crying, the other guests look confused and worried. I feel sick, I feel like I am going to vomit the very little I have had to eat while being here. I break free from Christian and follow the Police as the escort them to their cruiser, cuffed and heads down. The back windows are open a little as I look through the bars that contain them.

"I'll ruin you," Bennett threatens.

"I'll make sure you never see the light of day again," I growl.

"The Grey's can't save you, make you normal," Stephanie speaks up.

Taylor gently tugs me away from the car before it slowly pulls away. Nova starts to nudge and lick my hand, pulling me back from the possibility of slipping into a flashback or panic attack since she is a trained psychiatric service dog.

"Don't worry Ana, everything they just said will be on record since they've been read their rights," Taylor smirks.

"That's good," I nod.

"Ana!" I turn round, tackled to the ground by Kate. "I want to be mad at you but protect you so much right now."

I hug her back while Nova tries to nudge her way between our faces, licking all over Kate's face and removing half her makeup. Mia comes and joins the front yard dog pile, crying with us.

"I wish I got that on video, it would have gone viral on youtube," Mia giggles.

We all get up and go to the backyard, Grace and their housekeeper are resetting the table and cleaning up the mess we made during that small time frame that felt like hours. Grace grabs me and hugs me, holding me tight like I remember my mom used to do when we were in France. She holds me like how my mom would after a nightmare or if I scraped my knee. I cling onto her, crying pathetically into her should as she coos and hums. I like this, I could get used to this. Comet barks, not liking that she isn't getting any attention making me laugh.

"Can I play with your dogs?" Mia asks, bouncing on her feet.

"Of course," I giggle. "You don't have to ask. There are toys in the bag over there."

"Sweet, can you also talk my Dad into letting me get one?"

"I'm not that good."

Carrick walks out of the house with Christian, Elliot and Mr Trevelyan; they all find their spots around the table to sit back down with alcohol now. Thankfully no one has offered me anything today, last night was a close enough call.

Christian hands me a muffin, "Eat."

"I have."

"Anastasia," He scolds.

"Christian," I match his tone.

He sighs, his eyes plead with me, "Please, you need something more then what you've had. I know its been stressful but you need to eat."

"Can I pick? I just don't have a good relationship with heavy carbs."

He nods and helps me to my feet, leading me into the kitchen where all the counters are filled with catering tins of food. I take a deep breath and take a plate. I can do this, if not for me for him. For all the shit that has happened in the last two hours.

* * *

 **AN: So how do you like them apples?**

 **Please comment, review, tell me what you think. Love you all.**

 **-Mouse**


	31. Chapter 31

**AN: The piano pieces that I mention in this chapter are all on youtube. Anthony Greninger: Dreamer, Night Sky, and Memories. I recommend maybe listening them while reading this piece. They played a lot with how I wrote this and the flow.**

* * *

I sit inside alone a the dining room table, removing myself from everyone outside to focus on eating the food and not hiding it. Christian is insisting that I eat, that I have to eat because he has his own food issues. It's suffocating, too much, makes me want to just retaliate. It's why we decided to not put me in the clinic of in Olympia, I will do fine if I control my own food and portions but as soon as someone takes that control away from me I go far off in the wrong direction. He can't do this to me, I was doing so well with food and eating and not throwing things up for the last six months whereas the last few days I have been at some of my lowest. I haven't been this bad in months, and I was the one who sought out help.

I loaded the plate with not very heavy food while I he hovered over me, wolfed down a third of it while he was in the room and have nibbled on the rest since he left me alone. I doubt he actually trusts me still. _Poor fragile Ana, to weak and innocent to understand how the world works; always needing someone to look after her and protect her._ I'm not that girl, I haven't been in a good year. Sure I fuck up but any young adult who is learning how to make it on their own fucks things up every now and again. He just won't let the person who I was back then, the rock bottom girl who wanted to slit her wrists and disappear. He can't see me as anything more and it tears me apart. I want more, I need to be more if I am going to keep him in my life. I need him to see me as a human, as his equal and not some broken bird that he needs to mend and take care of.

I can't, I finish everything on the plate but I can't. I text Lucy telling her I ate but am not dealing with it well, that being here is making me slip. I don't wait for a response, I go to the closest powder room and force myself to purge my stomach of what's been forced into it. I never do this at home anymore, when I can choose what I am eating and when I am eating it. When I can follow my food and eating schedule and don't go off track. I don't feel this desperate and out of it when I can focus on my schedule and eat at my own paces and with the food I've made myself. This, me plating my own food is no where near the same. I flush the toilet and move to the sink to wash my mouth out. I dampen my hair and weave in a good old Katniss Everdeen braid that crosses the back of my head.

I walk out of the bathroom, spotting Mrs Trevelyan down the hall. She smiles quick before turning into the kitchen, leaving me alone. I look up the hall the other way and see Taylor who always tries to not show emotion, somehow he always slips up with me and I know in the moment that he's concerned. I show him a smile and turn to go outside to where everyone is on the patio. I grab a water bottle from the cooler on my way out, passing the table to plop down on one of the lounge chairs that are facing towards the water.

It's only the end of May, but the sun is a summer sun. High in the sky, heating my skin that is exposed. I thought that I was going to lose out on the tan I got last summer in France, but maybe there will be more sun then rain this year for the pacific northwest.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Mia shrieks as Elliot carries her above his head down the dock. "I'm going to kill you if you do this!"

He tosses her in off the end of the dock and I'm really hoping that he's fast and not going to fall when Mia gets out of that water. Nova's barking at Elliot, apparently dogs are girls best friend. Christian hands me a chocolate milkshake and then runs down to the dock to help Mia out of the water.

"You're skinny," Mrs Trevelyan sits down next to me. "My Gracie was skinny like you in her teens, we had to send her to a clinic to get better. It was a good time for her."

"I'm working with a clinic as an outpatient and my therapist," I tell her.

"Is that really working for you, Dear? Being an outpatient gives you space to still slip into old habits and to skip meals. I know the tricks, all of them and so does Grace." I look at her, freaking out a little. "We both noticed the hiding of the food and the food to the dogs. We're not young, we know this."

"I am getting better, and I do fine when I'm alone Ma'am. I just don't do well when it's around people, in front of people, and I'm not in control of it."

"I get it, just don't let it eat you up. He's trying," She looks over at Christian. "And he will do everything he can to help you because he loves you."

"I love him too," I smile, watching him trip Elliot into the lake.

Mia runs up and gives her Dad a hug, soaking him. Grace hands her a towel before running over to sit at the foot of the lounge chair I've taken up. She pulls her soaked hair into a bun atop her head, and looks at me.

"It's not that cold and I have a few bikinis that should fit you," Mia chimes.

"I'm good, Mia. I've never been a water child, not a huge fan of it. It's never felt safe since I've never been a strong swimmer," I smile and take her hand. "Thank you for the offer, but I'd rather watch you push Christian in and act his age."

"Deal!" She races back to the water.

Mia, Kate, Christian and Elliot are running around like loons around the beach and grass with my dogs. They're happy, laughing, like this morning events never happened. I ruined this day, but it's like I lived a different day from them. I did though. I've lived a completely different life then everyone here, even the ones who had a shitty start.

"I can see your gears turning," Carrick takes the place Mia had held. "Care to share with the class?"

"I don't fit in here," I frown.

Nova comes and rests her head in my lap, nudging my hand every few seconds as I try to gather and control my wayward emotions. I excuse myself from outside, setting the still full milkshake on the ground by the chair. I go inside with Nova, avoiding everyone till I find their music room and sit down at the piano. It's kind of like my piano room back home, a bit separate from the living area but looks over the water. I close my eyes and let my hands go, playing _Anthony Greninger's Dreamer_ and _Night Sky_. He's my inspiration when I compose, and I always find peace when I hear his music, feel his music.

Sometimes with music you can put notes together or instruments together that shouldn't really be together because they contrast. They sound happy and sad, calm yet energetic. There are so many pieces and layers to one piece and while you look at it on paper it can make no sense, but then you play it, you hear it, you feel it. When that happens and all that nonsense just gets pushed out the window. That nonsense that drives you mad has a purpose and it comes in the colours of sound, the story that is in black and white. It's never as complicated as it looks, it's all so simple when you step back and that is what life is like outside of this room too. Life is music, one inspires the other.

So many days of my life I waste it wishing I could see the world how everyone else does, to not carry around the weight of everything and just let it go and be. Today I let go, I let the secrets out and I thought it would fix everything but I'm still me. I'm still broken and there's no one who I'm not scared of letting in to help piece me back together. Is that too much to ask?

Then again I'm the one who runs. I'm the one who always has one foot out the door just incase there is ever a need to run, but I have been running for so long now. Always running, never stopping, never pausing to see that the world really isn't out to get me. How do you spend so much time running and protecting yourself to suddenly just stopping and letting people be there? I start on _Anthony Greninger's Memories_. There's a reason for everything. There's a reason for running, for drinking, for getting high, for not eating; but with all those reasons it's hard to find the facts that string with them.

It's not simple. It's not as simple as 'I don't want to eat because I want to lose weight' or 'If I'm skinny I'll be loved'. It's never been like that for me, no with food it was always that tool that someone could toy with and control me with or for me. It was what was used to manipulate me and now I can manipulate it back. I found that the food control took every craving away when I gave up alcohol and drugs. Then again they always say that us addicts have to be addicted to something. If it wasn't alcohol it was drugs, then neither of those turned to food, food has turned to exercise and while all of these are not exactly healthy coping mechanisms at least I have never harmed myself. I never cut or burned myself, actually tried to kill myself no matter how desperate I got. I still hit those low points, the times I remember finding my dad after his third stroke or finding my mother after she had tried to kill herself the first time. Nothing is simple, death is not simple, love is not simple, life sucks because it is so fucking complicated.

These notes that play under my fingers are in an order created by one person. I can take these same notes and chords and make them into something completely different. I hear the hope and the fear of days passing within the melodies, someone else may hear something else that I may not be able to comprehend. Red is a colour, but when it is mentioned I think of that flash of colour as it appears behind my eyes when I get hit on the back of the head, but Kate may think of a rose or the stripes on the American flag. God, my head is really on overdrive today.

"You okay?" Christian asks, sitting on the couch along the wall beside me. "That piece was beautiful by the way."

I lift my hands from the keys and set them in my lap, linking them nervously together. I nibble on my lip, avoiding his gaze. What in the world can I say to make what I want to say to him sound better then it is going to be. This is not going to be easy.

"I want a relationship with you, Christian," I sigh.

"That's good, so do I. So why are you in here alone?"

"Because I don't know if I can be," I taper off.

"What do you mean? Ana, thinks are looking up. We're together again and you're going to get healthy and strong, and it will all work out well."

"You can't choose my food, what I eat and when."

"Like hell, Anastasia!" He shouts. "You're sick, and if I am not going to be there for you who is going to make sure you eat and have a well rounded diet!"

I let out a deep breath, this is exactly like I thought it was going to go. Bad. This is not how people communicate, I know that now too. This is just going to make things worse, and I can't hold it together long, I never can.

"I was gaining weight on course, hovering above my line since the start. I never had cravings or urges or having the need to purge until I came back to this; until you stole the control from me again. You can't understand, and I don't expect you too." I get up and move for the door. "I think I should go, you don't have to be in a relationship with someone who is sick and not worth listening too. You got it, you got your get out of jail free card."

I rush out to the back yard and call Comet to me, gathering all of the dog stuff and mine before hastily going to my car and leaving everyone back there stunned. I clip them both into the back and pulling on my Oxford hoodie, another new thing about me that they don't get to know yet. Maybe they'll never know.

"What did that moron do this time?" Kate asks, blocking me from getting in.

"I've been in Seattle for three months, in his life for ninety-six hours give or take, and now I have plummeted so far from where I was in those hours. In my time being here I was gaining weight, I was always above my line and I never slipped. Being with him I am purging every meal, hiding food, avoiding food because he is who he is, I love him Kate and it's destroying me because I can't help but doing what he wants and forcing me to be how he wishes. I want to be with him. I want to be in all your lives, to see your parents when you they get back. I want this but Lucy and I agree that I can't have it if it's going to bring me down," I'm crying, crying like a bloody idiot. "I'm sorry for messing up again.

She takes me in her arms, hugging me like she used to after I had a bad night in college. I cry into her shoulder letting her try and calm me. She stand back, holding me at arms length and looks at my sweater.

"I'm not letting you run anymore. Family is here, your family is safe. I can listen, we all can and you just need to explain it and I will drill it into the bozo's head for you," She laughs, wiping my tears away. "Eating disorders aren't rare. I think every girl in this house has had one. It's getting people to hear you and what you need that's the hard part."

"You?"

"Mia and I were roommates in an eating disorder clinic in Arizona for six months when we were fifteen, bulimia. I know my mother was, there's a high chance your mother had one too."

* * *

 **AN: Beautiful notes of self reflection for our wonderful protagonist. I hope you all loved the chapter, next one does have lemons.**

 **Food For Thought**

 **1 Who was in the right in this chapter? In the wrong?**

 **2 What should Christian do with his quick tempered reactions/actions?**

 **3 How will their fractured relationship/communication effect them in the long run?**

 **4 What could possible happen if Rodriguez or Hyde stepped into focus?**

 **5 Are there more secrets out there?**

 **Hope you all have a wonderful night, morning, evening. Lemons are coming your way, but it's up to you and your voice if you want some kink or some sugar. See you Lovely's tomorrow.**

 **-Mouse**


	32. Chapter 32

**AN: I had a guest ask why multiple people could have eating disorders all of a sudden. One, they're not all suffering now. Eating disorders are as common as 1 in 3 people and effect people at all ages in different ways. Just because someone has an eating disorder doesn't mean they're skeletal, obese, anything like that. It's a mental illness that effects physical health. I'm adopted, eating disorders are in my biological family but my unrelated adoptive brother also had an eating disorder. It's common, just not talked about.**

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"Mia, release the hounds!" Elliot dramatically hollers.

Mia skips over to the car and releases Nova and Comet, Elliot swings me over his shoulder and heads back for the backyard. Kate's laughing hysterically behind me, grabbing the bags from the car and following behind.

"You're not going anywhere Little One," Elliot announces. "Tonight we're having our first bonfire and you're not allowed to leave until you try Christian's smores and Mia almost kills someone with a marshmallow."

"I'm not that bad," Mia sings.

"I almost lost hair when we were twelve, Mimi," Kate chuckles.

"Ten years ago!"

"You almost burned Christian's balls off last year," Elliot teases.

"And you want me to stay for this?" I squeak, holding onto Elliot's belt.

We get back round to the back and I can see Carrick, Sawyer and Mr Trevelyan cutting and piling wood close to the beach. Elliot sets me upright on the deck, everyone is doing something and I'm just here. Awkward Ana for the win. Mia and Kate go to help in the kitchen with Mrs Trevelyan and their cooks. Grace comes out to me, slowly like I'm a wild and cornered animal. It's okay though, I kind of feel like it.

"We're having burgers and hotdogs and stuff like that for dinner tonight, not something you'll be into right now. What would you be eating if you were home tonight?" Grace asks.

Tonight is the last Sunday of May, tonight would have been chicken, rice, asparagus and bell pepper. I would have had frozen yogurt with peaches for dessert. It's a lot of trouble to cause them if they're just going to accommodate me. I don't want them to go through all that work when I can just force myself to eat what they're eating, _yes and through it back up and fall further back_.

"It's alright, I know the struggle. So what can I make you?" She smiles.

I tell her what this Sunday meal would look like, what the portion sizes that I was used to would look like and she takes back off to the kitchen. I haven't seen Christian around helping his family out, and with nothing to do I decide to go and search for him. He not anywhere on the main floor so I trudge up to the third where his bedroom is.

"You're here?" He's sat on the bed.

"I am. I was kidnapped and my hounds were released," I say with a straight face.

"What?"

I move towards the bed, he looks so sad and lost. I've never seen him like this, like a lost little boy that doesn't know what to do or where to go.

"I'm not sick, and I'm not alone," I get closer, his eyes watching me. "I have family here. I am loved here," I straddle his lap and weave my fingers in his hair. "You piss me off but I love you. We both have shit to work on."

I grind my core on his, releasing a feral growl from deep within him. Im pinned under him on his bed, his mouth and tongue exploring mine. I fight to pull his top from his body, fighting with his belt to get it undone. He holds my hands together above my head, kissing and nibbling along my pulse point. My body bows to meet his.

He stands up, hovers over me and deftly removes all my clothing for once without ripping anything. Then he glides out of his pants and boxers. I get up off the bed, press my body against his and pull his lips down to mine, taking control for the forty-five seconds where he's just stunned. He lifts me up, and pushes me against the wall. He's holding my ass up so I reach between us and run his erection along my folds before he drops me a bit onto him, at the same time as he thrust up.

"Fuck," I claw at the back of his neck.

Hard and rough, I like hard and rough. My head falls back in pleasure, slamming against the wall as I met him thrust for thrust. His mouth connects with mine, moving and manipulating my lips as his tongue thrusts in and out like his cock.

"God, Ana," He groans into my mouth.

"I need to cum," I grit.

"Let go," He swallows my screams, coming deep within me. "Fuck!"

He holds me in the air as we try to catch our breath, panting against each others shoulders and drenched in sweat. We need to shower before going down to where his family and my friends are. Why do we have to fight and then this feel so fucking good.

Showered and smelling not like we had just done the horizontal tango twice we go down to the main floor. Everything is set out on trays for them to take out. I look at the clock and it's much later then I thought it was, the sun is low in the sky and the fire is raging outside. Surrounding the fire there are blankets, pillows, beanie bags, outdoor armchairs and a couple tables surrounding the fire. They really go all out.

"Ana, do you want to eat here before joining everyone?" Grace asks, I nod. She looks at Christian and her mother. "We'll meet you all down there in a half hour."

I sit up on the breakfast bar next to Grace and eat everything easily on the plate, it takes me the half hour to eat it all but that's a normal time for me. Grace doesn't ask questions or pay attention to what I am eating and when, she talks about her playing piano and how she got Christian into it after they had adopted him. She talks about how piano and dance and school were her loves and then she got into a biology class in the tenth grade which is when she decided to become a doctor. How multiple miscarriages didn't stop her from trying for a family, that adoption was just as great as carrying a child on her own. That she wouldn't change anything no matter how many rough patches there are.

"Thank you," I smile. "For making this easier."

"Honey, there are at least fifteen or twenty new diagnosed eating disorders a week, minimum at the clinic I work at. One in three girls and one in five boy, and there is a hereditary trait to it. Mia watched me, watched Kate and her Mother. All of you have type-A personalities. It's a lot of significant factors, building the best fire," She explains. "If Christian makes it rough on you, tell me. He had a rough time with Mia and her bulimia too, he had found her after she had thrown up so much she had passed out on the floor. He was really hard on her, really hard on her. Tell me and Carrick and I will talk to him again."

"I will, and I don't think you'll ever know how thankful I am for this."

"Well I left out the dessert because the marshmallows are worth it," She smiles.

We go out and join everyone outside, I immediately find my place in Christian's lap. He wraps his arms and a blanket around both of us, we're on one of the large bean bag chairs. At least Mia is on the other side with her weapons of sweet destruction. Everyone is singing and laughing and it's like a summer camp, camp fire that you see on tv and in movies. This is the first one that I am actually experiencing.

"Do you want to roast a marshmallow?" Christian breathes in my ear.

"Uh… um… yeah. Yeah okay," I stutter.

He grabs one of the pointy things and puts a marshmallow on each of the two prongs before handing it to me. We drop the blankets to rest around our hips and legs; although, the fire is keeping me warm enough without the fire.

"Ana, could I give your dogs some hotdog?" Elliot asks.

"If you want to be strung up by your balls, sure," I smirk. "Christian, how do I do this?"

"You've never roasted marshmallows before?" Mia asks.

"No, no camping or fires or anything like this," I shrug.

"Well, starting note is to not put them directly in the fire and then freak out, flailing the stick to throw the marshmallows and attack someone with a flaming ball of sugar," Elliot teases.

Christian holds his hands over mine, it's like the cheesy golf or basketball moves except it's roasting marshmallows. He tells me he's going to make me a smore, but that this means he's going to have to burn the next set. I take one of the golden brown marshmallows and get that goop everywhere, with Christian kissing a lot of it away from my chin and lips.

"You're adorable," He kisses my cheek.

He's the clear master of the marshmallow and smore business, they're delicious but I only eat two in comparison to Kate's six or Elliot's thirteen. Mia almost kills her grandparents, but thankfully misses.

"What's with the Oxford sweater?" Kate finally asks.

"I finished my degree there and might be going back to work on my Master's there in the fall. They've offered me a place, it just depends on my work with Lucy before then."

"So you're leaving again?" Mia asks.

"Possibly, nothing is set in stone yet and I can stay it a year."

I need to go home though tonight, as much as I love being here with everyone and how things are back on track, I have to be home and get back on schedule. I have my run in the morning, I have to go to the clinic from nine till two, then I have an appointment with Lucy, and I need to go grocery shopping. At least these are all valid reasons instead of me just running away. Everyone else has work in the morning anyway.

By the time I make it home and am climbing into bed I know that I will only get a maximum of five hours of sleep tonight and tomorrow is going to be exhausting. The clinic will help tomorrow, I'll get back on track and not have another slip up like this weekend.

I run six miles; eat pancakes, eggs, bacon and fruit salad; put their girls in their pen; and am still running far behind my normal schedule. When I run into the clinic, late, I am taken to the weigh room where I strip down to my panties and bra and get up onto the scale. They take measurements again and note everything down in my file, and am allowed to dress and go meet with the clinic doctors who will go over everything with me.

I sit in Beth's office with her and Lisa, waiting for them to tell me that I have dropped or something and they want to admit me. I wouldn't be surprised, it would be just my luck for something like that to happen when everything else is seemingly onto up and up.

"You've dropped in weight but you're still above your line, on route to your target weight," Beth explains. "Lucy has already told us about your struggles yesterday and was wondering if you had any suggestions about what you think needs to happen. You know we're always able to talk to loved ones and family."

"The girls get it, they all have histories with this shit. It's just Christian who has control and food issues and it's suffocating for me. Don't know how to make him understand it." I say.

"I know Kate, she slips up quite often," Lisa says. "How about when you come in Friday to meet us you bring Christian and he can see what we do, and we can talk to him and explain that it can't work at his pace if he wants this to work at all."

"I can ask him but he works."

"We get that, just see. Maybe next week if this Friday is too short notice. Go join in on group while we adjust your meal plan," Beth says. "Leia's been asking for you, her parents went back to Portland on Friday so she's been waiting to see you."

I nod and go to the main lounge, everyone is doing some type of activity or type of therapy. I go to my group, art therapy, and pull Leia into my arms. She's my little love bug, a seven year old anorexic who's foster parents care enough for her to let her be here in this clinic. We bonded the first week of my treatment, I stayed here and was across the hall from her. She had blonde hair and big blue eyes that could rival mine, and she's extremely talented and smart.

"You're here!" She giggles.

"I am!" I match her enthusiasm. "Do you want to hear what I did this weekend?"

"Yep." She pops the p.

"I went to ball, got my hair all done up and wore a long gown."

"Like a princess?"

"Yeah, kind of like a princess."

"Did you have a prince?"

"I did, and you might get to meet him on Friday."

An hour later staff are bringing around the morning snack, and I know some of the kids and new patients have a hard time with annoys the meal times. We sit at a table for six, and a nurse sits at the head to make sure we don't pull any stupid shit. I watch Leia as she repeatedly pushes her bowl away.

"What's wrong Love Bug?" I ask.

"I don't want it. Too much," Alligator tears are forming in her eyes.

"I know, baby, but you need to so that you can get healthy, strong and can go home to your mom and dad. When you hit next weeks targets you get a weekend and you know your parents are letting you stay with me that weekend," I soothe. "This yogurt is one of my favourites, especially with the fruit and granola. It tastes like dessert."

"Really?"

"Absolutely, eat it for me please."

I wait and watch her eat a big first bite, the nurse at our table mouths a 'thank you' before monitoring everyone else again.

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 **AN: I hope you liked the chapter, and you can see where it's heading.**

 **Review, comment, question, and keep on reading.**

 **Thank you Lovely's**

 **-Mouse**


	33. Chapter 33

Christian is staying over tonight after not seeing each other all week so he can come with me to the clinic tomorrow morning. I've been going to the clinic every day this week even though I don't need to, I just know that something is going on with Leia and she's not telling the staff and am really hoping the she will eventually tell me. I was so close to getting something out of her today before she went into her session with Beth, but nothing and I had to get back home to start on dinner and run a load of laundry.

He sets the table once he arrives, we're eating out on the deck tonight since it is another surprisingly clear night. Everything we're doing is so domestic and yet so comfortable. When I was little I never saw myself as a girl who would settle down and get married, have the docile domestic life.

"What have you been up to all week?" He asks.

"I've been helping out and helping at the clinic with some of the kids," I say. "I'm also working above my line and am set to hit my target by the end of June."

"There is no way you'll be at a healthy weight in a month," He grumbles.

"Christian, stop. I'm always going to be on a thinner side, I'm a runner but I'll be at a healthy weight. Let up, please. This is exactly why Beth and Lisa want to talk and meet with you tomorrow."

"Fine," He rolls his eyes. "I'll let it go for now, until I talk to the so called specialists."

I finish eating and storm into the kitchen, slamming my plate into the kitchen sink only to break it. Christian come in, wrapping me in his arms but only to me shoved off and ignored. He really has a thick skull when it comes to this because things can't be his way. It can't always be this way, no matter what he wants.

"I'm going to work on my current composition then go to bed, I set up the office and guest room for you," I spit. "Breakfast will be ready at seven-thirty, we need to leave by eight."

"Ana, I think you're overreacting," He holds my arm.

"Let me do my thing and you can do yours."

By the time we leave in the morning we've screamed at each other, fucked each other's brains out, ignored each other, and came to the conclusion that we're both stubborn till we talk to a professional who can change our minds. On the ferry he takes me to the bathroom for a quickie. This make-up sex thing almost makes the fighting worth it, but not quite.

"You can wait in the chairs in the hall, I have my weigh in and then we'll meet Beth and Lisa for you to talk to them," I explain as we walk in.

"Okay, I'll answer some emails while you do your thing," He kisses my cheek.

"Anastasia," Beth calls from down the hall.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"I need you to do your weigh in and then see Leia, I'm going to steal the boyfriend and give him a ripe talking to after your check in with Lucy last night. She's here too, she's trying to talk to Leia but it's not working well."

I nod and let her drag Christian away, he is no match for her and will break hours before she does. I do my weigh in, now following my new target line and am staying above it slightly. After I dress I rush to Leia's room where Lucy is sitting with her on the window seat. I sit on the bed and let her run and crawl into my lap, looking at Lucy and she doesn't seem happy.

"What's wrong, Love Bug?" I coo.

"They're giving me up, and I'll have to leave and not see you no more," She cries.

"No matter what I will always be here for you, Leia. I'm not giving up on you."

"They said they'd be my forever family but I'm not good enough for it no more."

"Her social worker wants to talk to you after lunch," Lucy tells me. "I want to talk to you before hand."

I nod at her, "How about we go have a snack and I can introduce you to my Prince?"

"He's here?" She looks excited.

"He is, and I told him that you're really excited to meet him. He can have snack with us and you can see if you think he's good enough for me."

I take her hand and we follow Lucy back to the activity room, I have seen an up and down change in Leia this week. I really hope the issue with her foster parents doesn't cut her treatment here short, she needs this.

"You do know that no one will be good enough," Leia giggles. "Not for you."

"Is that so?" I laugh.

"Yep, 'cause I say."

"Okay."

For the snack today we are having butter tarts that are huge, they have a good three inch diameter and taste like heaven. I don't have to convince her this time, she watched me eat mine and she eats hers. We've finished our snack by the time Christian joins us, looking sheepish with his tail between his legs.

"I'm sorry for being an ass," He hugs me. "And Beth is terrifying."

"Thank you, and you're my ass," I kiss him. "So you're backing off a bit?"

"Yeah," He pecks my lips. "She helped me understand it while scaring the fuck out of me by telling me I would harm you."

"He swore!" Leia announces.

"He did, Christian you owe her two dollars," I laugh.

"Is this the prince?" She loudly whispers.

"This is," I lift her up to stand on the chair. "Christian this is Leia, Leia this is my prince Christian."

Christian takes her hand and kisses it, "Pleasure to meet you my lady."

She giggles, "You're funny, and pretty."

"Thank you," He doesn't know how to take that. "You're very beautiful yourself."

She hops off the chair and tugs him towards the puzzles and board games, insisting that he has to do them with her so that she can give me her approval to date him. It's up to her to decide if he's right for me. I laugh at that but Christian goes with her, agreeing that I should listen to a smart kid like her. I sit at a table across the way from them with Lucy.

What starts as a normal check in turns into a discussion on how I feel about Leia and if I am really certain that I will always be in her life or try to be. She doesn't say anything about why she's asking this, just that she needs to know.

"Lucy, what is this about? If your asking if I'd take her in I would. I'll pay for her treatment. I'll do anything for that little girl because she is just a kid, she has helped me see things and want to be better. Just like Christian," I near shout.

"I know you will, and I know you'd be great at helping her. I'm just here talking to you about it before I talk to her social worker about plans for her. She is a sweet little kid and I am happy she has you, but I am going to talk to Christian too."

We look over at them as they play Monopoly, and for once it looks like Christian is flushed and losing. I go over to the piano in the corner and start to play, everyone likes it when I play. Leia runs over and sits on my lap, her hands rest on mine as I play _Anthony Greninger's Is She Out There?_ and we act like she is playing. I have bee teaching her the basics and she is learning slowly and she loves it.

"Play the bouncy one!" She giggles.

"Okay," I kiss the top of her head and look at Christian. "You know he plays too."

"Can he play the bouncy one?"

"Ask him."

Christian and I switch places so he can play the rag time classic _The Entertainer_ , which is the one Leia really wants to play. I don't blame her for that though, it's a very happy and upbeat song. He hands are tiny compared to his, at least with mine her fingers can rest and move with mine like she is playing.

At lunch I get to watch her eat without convincing her to and Christian watches me eat a full, healthy meal without complaining or taking my time. I take the time when most of the people here are in sessions to play some more piano, this time just playing some of my own compositions. When the social worker comes to talk to me it's Fern, my old social worker. We catch up and I tell her the same thing that I told Lucy about taking care of her.

"Can you and Christian stay for dinner?" Leia asks.

"We sure can," I smile. "Did you talk with Fern and be honest?"

"Yes Ma'am," She nods big. "She says she's has good hopes and possibilities."

"And I'm always here, Monkey."

"Yeah, can you visit some this weekend too?"

"I'll try, and I'll ask Beth and Lisa before I go. Okay?'

She nods and goes to play with some of the kids who are here, but she is the youngest admitted by a long shot. I think that the next one closes to her is twelve or thirteen. I feel like Christian's day has opened his eyes too. He's spent time with Leia, myself and some of the teen boys that are here undergoing treatment. One plus side is that he doesn't comment on meals or food choices here cause he now sees how this work. He got to sit in on some of the lectures about good fat and exercising in moderation, and it's been just as big of learning experience for the both of us.

"How are you feeling?" Beth sits down on the bench next to me. "Getting some air? Space?"

"Fresh air, Leia wants Christian and I to stay for dinner."

"I'm actually very interested to see you eat dinner," She muses. "You know it is run differently than lunch and breakfast. I want to make sure you can handle it. Breakfast and dinner do have the highest calorie intake, and here we make sure you eat everything in the time given."

"I do eat everything, and I am gaining above my line. You and Lucy are the ones that told me it wasn't as bad as it could have been when I first came in. I want to get better. I want to gain weight and be healthy, I'm ready to leave this all behind."

"And last weekend? You purged nearly every meal."

"Last weekend was different, it was a mistake. It won't happen again because I can't let it. Things are better, nothing will be like then."

"I know. I know from seeing you all week and having kind words with your boyfriend this morning."

"By the way, you scare him."

"Good because Honey I care about you. I want you to get better and stay there, like you want for Leia. You know she's been upset all week and you've been here every day for as long as you can."

"She wants me to visit this weekend."

"I know, she asked me and Lisa. I want you to take her out for the day tomorrow, see how she handles eating outside of here. The past weekends her parents were supposed to couldn't make it up, and after Fern talked to me it seems that you may be more important in her life for longer then thought."

"Sure, what time should I be here?"

"Same time you normally come. Pick her up after breakfast, drop her off before dinner. You have to make sure she has one morning snack, lunch, and two afternoon snacks; I know you've been eating well. This is a test for her, lunch is to be eaten in a restaurant and she has to pick what she wants."

"To see if she is sinking into old habits when outside these walls, I get it."

"Good, anything else you want to talk to me about?"

"No," I shake my head.

"Bennett and Stephanie?" She asks.

"I'm dealing with it with Lucy."

"Okay," She holds he hands up in surrender. "Just don't bottle it up and use food to substitute that lack of control."

We go back in for dinner, Christian comes to me as soon as he sees me. We sit down with Leia and eat without a hitch, except I check the clock every few seconds because they are very certain on how long you have to eat and how many bites you have with each mouthful. On our way out I tell Leia that I get to take her out for the day tomorrow and she should come up with a list of what she wants to do when we go into the city.

"How'd your talk with the social worker go?" He asks as we head back to my place.

"Great, I think we've figured things out with where she's going to go," I answer.

"With you? Ana, do you not think I should have been taken into consideration?"

"We're not engaged or married, you don't live with me and I don't rely on you for anything. It's my life, my decision and Lucy and Fern came to me with the idea. That little girl trusts me and has no one, and I will be there to help her and love her," I snap.

"But we are together right now, I love you and you love me."

"And Fern knows that, I told her that."

"But you didn't talk to me."

"No, I didn't. I don't feel like I need to until I know that you and me are as serious as we are making it out to be."

"Can I spend the day with you two tomorrow?"

"If you want."

"Okay," He nods.

"Okay."

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 **AN: I hope you all liked the chapter. They're about to rebuild and restructure like Lego pieces.**

 **Question, Review, Favourite, Follow. Show your support please.**

 **Have a good evening.**

 **-Mouse**


	34. Chapter 34

Christian skipped out on the run this morning, opting to sleep more and not kill his legs and lungs. I leave the dogs in the back pen again, I am really starting to hate leaving them there, and get my _Audi RS 7 Performance_ ready to go. We need to leave a little earlier because I need to get a booster seat for Leia, she's seven and tiny which means she needs that extra protection that I don't have. We have a few things planned for the day for us, after long discussion and debate once we were home last night.

"And you're sure I can't talk you into the zoo?" Christian asks again, right as we're pulling into the parking lot. "It'll be fun."

"When I can have her for a full weekend we can do the zoo and all your plans that go with it. We have a good plan for today, Christian. You finally get to show me your boat."

"It's a ship," He pouts.

"Whatever, I'll be right back." I kiss his cheek.

Leia is waiting with Beth right at the entrance, swinging her legs under the bench and watching the clock with ultimate focus.

"Ana!" She leaps into my arms. "You came for real!"

"I came for real," I nod.

"Latest she can be back is six thirty, every meal needs to be written down and the completion in the forms she has in her backpack of us," Beth smiles, sending us off.

I take her out to the car and Christian triple checks that she is buckled in properly and comfortable. She starts talking about what we missed after we left last night and this morning, she interrogates Christian on what he's done this morning and if he ate his breakfast.

"Where are we going?" She asks.

"Up to Seattle, is that okay Love Bug?" I check on her in my rear view mirror.

"I've never been there," She says. "Mommy and Daddy used to work there, in one of the really big buildings."

"Oh yeah? What did they do?" Christian asks.

"I don't know, I was five when they died. That's two whole years ago."

"A real long time then," I smirk.

"Exactly!" She stops bouncing. "Ana, do you remember your real parents before your foster pretend parents?"

"I do Bug, but I was ten years older than you when mine died. I still find it hard to remember them though."

"So I'm not weird?"

"No, you're not weird. Did you know Christian was adopted as a little boy too, he spent some time in foster care in Michigan."

"Just like us!" She giggles.

"Yeah, just like us."

We pull into Boeing Field, she is asking him about all of his favourite foods and why they area his favourite foods and if they should be hers. They get in a real big argument of whether or not Cocoa Puffs or Lucky Charms are better. Taylor is waiting for us along with Christian's pilot.

"What are we doing here?" Leia clings to my arm.

"We're going to go on a ride in Christian's helicopter and look at Seattle and everywhere from up in the sky," I smile, crouching down to her level. "We don't have to if you don't want to. Okay? You're call."

"Okay, but why is there an men in black here?" She points at Taylor.

"That's Jason Taylor, Christian's security guard and babysitter," I tease. She nods. "So, do you want to do this?"

She nods and Christian helps both of us into the back. I sit facing backwards, Leia and Christian face forward so she is across from me and next to him. The headphones are too big on her head but she's having the time of her life as we fly over Seattle and the sound, we get close so she can sort of see where I live before heading back to the hanger. She points and the ferry boats, the sail boats, the cruise ships that all fill and cross the sound with great delight.

Christian decided that we're eating at the Space Needle for lunch, and this day seems to turn into a test for me too. I haven't eaten out since I've been back, eaten in a public setting where people can see me, but I can't screw up because Leia is here and she is watching me get better at the same time as she is. I'm just not sure that she will find things that she will like and eat since she is a child. Christian assures me that the staff know he's coming and they'll make what we want.

"I'll have the Dungeness Crab Melt," Christian tells our waiter. "And a glass of your best Pinot Grigio."

I'm looking over Leia's shoulder as she looks at both the adult menu and the kids menu, I don't really know what she'll pick. If she'll pick.

"Can I just have a cheeseburger with fries, and chocolate milkshake?" She looks at me.

"Of course you can," Christian answers. "Anastasia?"

"Um, I'll have the Hazelnut Crusted Chicken Linguini, and a chocolate milkshake," I order. "Thank you."

Our server nods and goes back to the kitchen. Leia looks out the windows, almost pressing her nose against the clear glass. She asks where he lives and he explains how he lives at the top of an apartment building downtown. She tells him that if he lives at the top he can't have neighbours, and if he can't have neighbours he can't make friends, she starts to question how he has friends and play dates. I want to laugh but she is so damn adorable, soon she has my phone and is taking a countless amount of pictures and selfies, some of which include Christian or myself. He's in awe of her, wrapped around her little finger already.

When the food is served she takes her jumper off and pulls her hair back into a ponytail before sitting up at the table with us. She eats with no problem, but we still keep an eye on her and the clock to make sure she doesn't try anything. She smiles at me proudly when she's done.

"Would anyone like to look at a dessert menu?" The waiter asks, taking our plates.

She looks down at her fiddling hands, Christian says we could look and see. He comes back with the dessert menu and I pull her into my lap to look over it.

"I don't know what any of those words mean," She whispers looking at the menu.

"Because some of the names are in french," I explain.

"Oh, then how do I know what I like?"

"You would like the seasonal crumble."

"I want to have what you have," She leans back against me.

"Okay, well I'm having the Vanilla Bean Crème Brûlée if you want to try that."

"Yep!" She nods. "What are you having Christian?"  
"The Chocolate Pudding Cake," Christian smiles.

"What is it with you and chocolate? It's not that great."

"Then do I get your chocolate from trick or treating?"

"I don't think I've ever done the trick or treating. I don't remember it."

"Why not?" He asks.

She curls into me and hugs me tight, nuzzling her face into my chest. I have to shift a bit to get a good hold on her. She's a small little kid, but right now she seems tiny. Like how I was when Christian and I first met.

"The first few months after her parents died she lived with her Grandmother in Portland, until she was diagnosed with breast cancer and Love Bug here was put in the system. The first foster home she was in wasn't good, and then in a group home for a bit and then her recent foster home," She's been all over the place, but wasn't really settled for a while. "She didn't have a chance before to celebrate those type of holidays."

"I didn't celebrate halloween till I was six," Christian tells her. "And Ana didn't celebrate till she was nine."

"Nine?" She peeks up at me.

"I lived in France when I was a little girl, they don't really celebrate Halloween the same way as you do in America," I explain.

Christian orders the desserts and we play hangman on some paper I had in my purse, I know that she has spelling when the do classes with the kids so we focus on her words that are on her current phonics list. It's fun, until Christian and Leia team up against me and the word they hang me on is vociferance because somehow that's fair. I get him with licentious, so HA.

The desserts are incredible and before we leave we spend some time up on the observation deck before heading to the marina to ride over to my place on Christian's _ship_. Taylor is taking my care over to Bainbridge so that when we get there we can head back down to the clinic. Gail is the one who made the snacks that we'll have on the boat for her two afternoon snacks, and mine.

While I am prepping the servings for our first snack break Christian has her up top and last I heard she is driving. Sawyer is down below with me, helping me separate things and reach the cupboards that I cannot. This, this is the reason I have grown accustom to wearing heels everywhere I go. The world is not made for shorter people.

"Ana!" Leia calls.

"Down here, Bug!" I shout back

She stumbles down and climbs up onto the counter by me. She watches Sawyer close by, still not sure of Christian's MIB. Then she stares at me.

"What do you need Bug?"

"Would it be mean if I pushed Christian off since he pretended to throw me off?"

"He what?" I shout. "Christian Trevelyan-Grey, please tell me I heard wrong."

He comes running downstairs sees my face and runs back up, I look at Sawyer to take in his mood on whether or not he's let us push Christian off the boat. I decide to wait till we're docked at my place and we can just toss him off the dock. Come to think of it, Christian hasn't been at the back of my property yet where the guest/boathouse is and the dock.

We eat up on the deck and are getting close to home, so far today has been an amazing day. Christian, Leia and me; the three of us like a real family how one is supposed to be. While Leia helps Christian, Mac and Sawyer dock I slip downstairs to call Fern.

"Hey Ana, how's your day with Leia going?" She answers.

"I've been wondering if I could be placed not just as her foster, but as her foster with intent to adopt?" I ask.

"Have you talked about this with Christian?"

"We're not married or engaged, how does me talking to him effect my choices?"

"Because you're in a serious relationship and the courts will want to talk to him about how he feels and if he's fit to be in her life too."

"Can you put it down in the file though?"

"I will, but I want you to talk to him."

"I swear I will."

"Okay, I'll change it when I go into the office Monday. Anything else?"

"Is her grandmother still in hospital?"

"Yeah, next time you take her out you can see if Leia wants to see her. She's up here at General, and I'll find you more information when I can."

"Thank's Fern, talk to you later."

"Bye Ana."

I walk up onto the deck and Christian helps me onto the dock, I give Leia the okay now to push him off which she thinks is hilarious. I go with Leia up the stairs to the yard and house when she immediately gets distracted by Nova and Comet.

"Can I play with them?" She asks.

"Of course."

I open the pen and leave the door open for her to go in and give them all the opportunity to come out. Christian wraps her arms around me, holding me to his soaking body no matter how much I struggle to get away from him.

"Are you trying to get into trouble?" He whispers in my ear.

"Me?" I gasp. "Never."

"I think you've earned yourself a spanking."

"Promise?"

"God, you're killing me. My place tonight. Taylor is offering to bring the dogs over."

"Fine, now go change."

He walks away with his hands up in surrender, I call Leia in with the dogs and she comes upstairs to look around my room while I look through my closet for a new outfit and an overnight bag. She comes in and starts to look through my clothes too.

"Where's the dress you wore to the ball?" She asks.

I step behind the partition to change into a yellow sundress with matching panties and bra. I pull my hair into a high ponytail and pair it all with white heels and a white cardigan.

"It's at Christian's, Bug."

"Why?"

"Because I stayed there the night after the Ball."

"Oh. Do I have to go back to the clinic?"  
"Afraid so, but I'll be back Monday."

"And visit everyday like last week?"

"Monday and Friday are always for sure, and I will try but I have some meetings and doctors appointments this week, Honey."

"Okay, can I call you?"

"As often as they'll let you."

"And Christian too?"

"Ask him, but I know he'll say yes," I smile and take her hand, leading her to the room across the hall. "If you stay with me in two weekends this will be your room, so I will ask you now what colour you want it?"

"I pick?" She points at herself.

"Yep, you pick."

"Can I think and show you Monday?"

"Yes."

We head downstairs to meet Christian, Taylor and Sawyer. Christian takes my bag, gives it to Taylor with the dog bag and I help load the dogs. We lock up and head out to the ferry which she is absolutely fascinated by.

"Can I have two colours?" She asks as we walk around.

"Sure. Whatever you want Love Bug."

I let Christian drive so I can fill out the forms that are in her bad for Lisa and Beth to review and see how she's done. I want her to pass this test, and I think she did incredibly well. Let's just hope that there is no detrimental effects from today.

* * *

 **AN: Hope you like the chapter and what it is possibly foretelling.**

 **Lets hear your guess what is to come, the person who is closest can help co-write a chapter or two.**

 **Thank you Lovely's for all the support, it's always an encouragement to keep writing.**

 **-Mouse**


	35. Chapter 35

"It went good today," Christian mumbles into my mouth.

I stumble away from him, falling back onto the couch to give him the ample opportunity to pounce on top of me. Holding my hands above my head and grinding into my core, soaking my panties a little more. He keeps dry humping me, our mixed moans echoing throughout the apartment. I cling to his hair, holding his mouth to mine, feeling how we work so beautifully together. Christian and I have the most satisfying sex life that I've had and far beyond what I could ever imagine.

"Are you wet for me Anastasia?" He smirks.

"Are you going to make good on your promise?" My voice is husky, rough.

"What promise would that be?" He nibbles on my ear.

I pull his lips back to mine and try to wrap my legs around him, but he holds me down to grind into me again.

"Say it, Anastasia. What promise do you want me to fulfil?"

"Spank me, Master," I whisper.

"God," He groans.

He flips me up and upsidedown over his shoulder, bounding up the stairs and into the red room. I look at him and smirk, striping down to only my panties and looking at the ground instead of kneeling. He tilts my head to look up at him, I look him right in the eyes and bite my lip knowing it bugs him. His eyes flicker to the spanking bench and then the couch, deciding on the couch he tugs me over his lap, pinning my legs between his.

"What am I spanking you for?" The smile ever present.

"I don't know, Sir," I giggle. "I didn't fall into the sound, you did."

"I fell did I?"

"Yes?" I squeak.

"How many can you handle?"

"How many are you offering?"

"Tell me when you've had enough."

"Yes sir."

I'm begging him to stop and fuck me on the thirty-sixth hit, pleading for him to bed me over the bed and fuck me hard from behind. I am dripping and on sensory overload and now the fucker thinks it's the perfect time to tease me. Running the head of his cock up and down my folds, tapping it on my ass.

"Is this what you want, Anastasia?"

"Fuck me now, Christian or I'm cutting you off and will use one of the vibrators in this room to get me off," I growl.

He thrusts hard into me, forcing me to cum around him before he starts to move. I'm thoroughly beat and fucked but the one behind me, holding me down into the bed is just starting. I am alight with electricity and lust. Loving every thrust, taking everything that he has to give me till he's run dry.

"God Ana, I've never been with anyone who could match my stamina," He kisses right behind my ear. "You're amazing."

"Yeah, whatever superman. I need a nap."

"Come."  
"Already done that, multiple times."

"Funny, I meant down to our room, I can get you all cleaned up and then you can go to bed and sleep into oblivion."

"Too far," I roll over to look at him and pout.

He scoops me up and carries me down to his bathroom and into the tub. Behind me he kindly washes both him and myself and carries me to the bed, letting me wear one of his t-shirts and crawl under the covers. He holds me close, so I can rest my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat rapidly. I could time compose a tune to his heart beat, to how and when it changes. It would be my new favourite song.

"You still need to eat dinner," He whispers. "What would you like?"

"A nap, and then a big mac, fries and milkshake."

"Okay Blue, stay here."

"Plan on it."

His bodyweight shifts off the bed, and even though he leaves the blinds open when I am over at night he leaves the door open a bit so he can hear me and I can hear him. I love when sleep can just be sleep, no nightmares or dreams just recovery from the days excursions. I don't think I have felt this worn out in a long time, running doesn't even do this to me anymore.

I wake to pressure on my thighs, someone trying to pry them open. Logically I know that it's Christian going in for round whatever, instinctively I kick and punch the man at the end of my bed. Jolting up I see him holding his nose in the streak of hall light.

"I'm so sorry, Christian," I cry.

"Hey, it's okay. I should have known better," He holds me to his body.

"Did I break you?"

"You could never break me."

"Can you have Taylor look at it anyway?" I give him puppy eyes.

We go out to living room where a McDonald's picnic is set up under the fire at midnight. This is an extremely late dinner, or really really early breakfast. I sit down on the carpet when he points at it as he walks around calling for Taylor and the first aid kit. I nibble on the fries and burger as I watch Taylor and Gail appear from the staff quarters, but Taylor sends her back to bed when they realize no one is dying. I take my fries and milkshake to the dining table where they're setting up to look at his nose.

"Do I even want to know how this happened?" Taylor pokes at his cheekbones.

"If you must know, I was trying to do my girlfriend a kindness and wake her up by…"

"You finish that sentence Christian and your nose will be the last of your issues. Got it, _Sir_?" I spit.

"Understood Miss Steele," Christian rolls his eyes.

"Nothing is broken, but it will bruise, swell and you'll need something to say when everyone questions you about it," Taylor smirks.

I hear my cell ringing from the bedroom, and with one last warning look to Christian I run to answer on it's second cycle through. I flick on the bedside lamp and drudge it up from the depths of my purse.

"Ana Steele," I yawn.

"Hey Ana, it's Becky one of the night nurses at the clinic," A kind voice says. "I'm here with Leia, she woke up and has been throwing a fit wanting to talk to you. I cleared it with Lisa and want to make sure you're okay talking to her at this hour."

"Of course," Now I'm worried. "Put her on."

I hear a ton of shuffling and whimpering on the other end when Christian walks in, but I silence him and his efforts to have another round at me.

"Ana?" Her voice is tiny, full of tears.

"I'm here Baby, what's wrong?" I coo, getting comfy in bed.

"I got scared."

"Scared of what Love Bug? I saw you six hours ago."

"That you were gonna leave and not come back like Mommy and Daddy, I dreamed you and Christian drove away and not come back too," She croaks.

"Leia, Honey. I will never leave you and not come back. I love you too much to do that and will do everything I can to make sure I won't get in an accident."

"It felt real," She's in full on tears.

"I know, I have those dreams too. I have them all the time when I miss my family and Christian's not around. But it was just a bad dream, it's not real and you know that because you're talking to me right now, right?"

"Yeah."

"I'm going to bring you a present Monday, okay?"

"Okay. Can you come for breakfast Monday?"

"I'll talk to Beth and be sure to be there when you wake up for weigh in," I smile, Christian leans over and wipes tears I didn't feel before. "Are you going to be okay now Bug? We can talk tomorrow after lunch okay?"

"Okay. Can you say night to Christian and Nova and Comet and Man in Black One and Two?" She asks.

"I will say goodnight to all of them for you. I love you Leia, try and get some sleep now please."

"I will. Night Ana, I love you."

"Bye Baby."

I wait for her to hang up before I take the phone from my ear and plug it in to charge overnight. Christian hands me the rest of my food and eats with me in enjoyable silence till we're done and curled up under the covers, looking out at Seattle.

"You really love that kid, don't you Anastasia?" He sighs.

"Don't," I roll around to look at him. "We're not fighting about this again."

"I'm not saying we have to!"

I burst out into a fit of giggles, I can't take him seriously when he has rolls of cause stuck up his nose and look kind of like he shoved tampons up there. I don't thinks he sees the hilarity of the concept, he just cocks his head to the side and furrows his brows.

"You look like you have tampons up your nose," I hiccup.

"Anastasia, I want to talk to you seriously," He frowns.

"Sorry, you're saying we don't have to fight but you are the one who fights with me about it. About my life."

"I know I can't stop you from fostering the kid, and I don't want to anymore. She's incredible and you're a whole different person with her."

"I'm different?"

"You act like an adult, like a mother. You act like you're the one who birthed her and raised her. I like seeing you that way."

"I don't feel different, I just feel more. I feel more with you but it's more on the more. That sounds awkward, I just don't know how to say it."

"We're your family."

"Yeah, yeah I guess so."

"She's a great kid, loving and optimistic about everything," He smiles. "I get your point of view on it all."

"Thank you," I kiss his nose.

"Do you think that we will be able to have her for the weekend from the fifteenth to the seventeenth?"

"It's not like foster care, it's not Fern's choice it's Beth's, but I'll see. Mia has already emailed me about this birthday you never bothered to mention, and before you bug me my lips are sealed with what's being planned."

"But you'll be at whatever is being planned?"

"Yes and I will make sure I have Leia there too. Okay?"

"Fine, but can I have a hint?"

"Nope, my lips are sealed!"

He smiles, not the happy I'm excited smiled. No, it's the you should have re-worded that smile, or I know better than you smile. The smile that makes me furious and makes me wet.

His hands run down my body, back up my leg and under the shirt. He rolls over and overs over me, slipping his pants down and my shirt up. He runs his nose up and down mine, his grey eyes sparkling.

"I don't think your _lips_ are sealed, Anastasia," He chuckles, thrusting hard into me. "I'm not going to be gentle right now."

"I'm not asking you too."

* * *

 **AN: Next Chapter will be tomorrow night. I have doctors appointments all day and can't upload in the morning, but it will be long and cover over the three weeks leading up to Christian's birthday.**

 **I have plans, some very evil plans that some may be able to guess. To be nice I am giving three clues, and I want your guesses.**

 **1 It involves Leia, Christian, Ana and Ros**

 **2 Smoke and Fire**

 **3 Fear**

 **Hope to hear your guesses. Love you all!**

 **-Mouse**


	36. Chapter 36

**AN: Sorry I couldn't upload this morning, I hope that you all enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

I am tackled in the parking lot by Leia, her arms wrapping around my legs and she won't let go. I talked beth into letting me bring Nova to the clinic since she is trained to be a service animal and won't bark or frighten anyone. She knows how to act and react in a clinical setting.

"Hey Bug," I giggle. "If you let go you can help me get Nova out of the Jeep."

She lets go and stands on the back tire to peek over the back. I clip on Nova's leash to her collar before unclipping the leash that holds her in. This way she doesn't just leap out she waits to be called out. I lower the tailgate and hand Leia the leash, and she holds it with both hands.

"Okay," I hold my hand up to stop Nova from hopping down. She'll listen to hand cues over auditory. "Leia, say 'Nova Siéger', and when she is sitting really nice you can say 'Calme Toi', alright?"

Leia nods and I lower my hand and Nova stands up, wagging her tail to wait for me to let her out of the back. She was trained in France first, and so she knows both english and french commands while I gravitate to french ones with Nova and English with Comet.

"Nova siéger," Leia says slowly and waits, I nod at her when she is sitting. "Calme toi."

Nova gently jumps down and waits beside Leia, I grab my backpack that holds everything for the day out of the back and lead both of them into the clinic where a nurse has been watching from the lobby so that Leia doesn't make some grand escape.

"She listened to me!" Leia giggles.

"She did," I smile. "Lets go get us weighed and then to breakfast, okay?"

We walk down to the weigh room, stopping constantly since Nova is the highlight of everyone's morning routine. We're weighed and off the cafeteria, and Leia seems happier then most of the people here when it comes to weigh time. When we finish breakfast I go with her to her room where she is figuring out what to wear for the day.

"Do you want your present now or later?" I ask her.

"Now!" She jumps up onto my lap.

"Okay," I take the small pink box out of my backpack and hold it out for her and watch her lift the lid to reveal the antique oval locket that is pretty big for a little kid. "This was my great-great grandmother's, who gave it to my great grandmother, who gave it to my grandmother, and since she had a son my dad was the one who gave it to me when I was a little younger than you. I have worn this everyday since I was five, and now I am giving it to you. So you know I will always be with you even if I am not here at the clinic. I printed off one of the selfies you took yesterday of both of us and it's inside."

"Thank you Ana, can you help put it on?"

I hook the clasp of the platinum chain, that holds the silver locket, and kiss the top of this monkey's head. She turns around and hugs me like her whole life depends on it, I hug her back like Grace, Kate and Mrs Kavanaugh hug me.

"I love you Ana," She mumbles in my hair.

"I love you too."

She gets dressed and I walk her to the classroom where she'll be all morning till lunch, I go and have a meeting with Beth and Lisa about meal plans and how I am handling the amount of food, how I personally handled eating out this weekend because they know that eating in public is one of my achilles heels. The conclusion is to lower the size of the meals into eating normal sized meals but more snacks throughout the day. That I also have to eat three meals a week at a restaurant where I can't control the ingredients or the portion sizes, and eat everything while sat at a table.

"This time next week you could be Leia's foster mother," Lisa states. "I want to be sure that you're sure about this, that you'll be prepared to take care of yourself and her and what all of that means."

"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't think I could handle it, and I know better then anyone that any kids labeled as damaged goods in the system will be beaten down and torn apart in a matter of months. She doesn't deserve that, and I will be able to take care of herself and myself."

"Okay, and it is nothing against you, it was just to make sure."

"I know, thank you. I don't like to be second guessed though."

"I know."

I go out to the back outdoor area to let Nova let off some steam and get some fresh air out here. So I can get some fresh air out of that place. I trust them and their judgement, but to be question if I know myself well enough feels too far. I know what I can handle now, I have been standing on two feet for a while now. I'm good enough, better then I've ever been, and I'm not alone anymore. Things are better than ever, and I'm hoping by September no one will question how certain I am because that is when I want to have the adoption completed. We'll have a family, even if it is only the two of us.

I leave right after lunch, heading into Seattle and Grey House to surprise Christian. Taylor takes Nova, awkwardly, and sends me up in the fancy private elevator to the top floor with all the big heads.

"Ana?" I hear Ros behind me before I make it to Andrea.

"Hey," I turn and smile at her, hug her. "Long time no see."

"Yeah, you look more beautiful than every," She winks. "Christian is a lucky man, but could I steal you for a couple minutes."

"I don't feel like Gwen or Christian would approve," I giggle.

"Funny. No, we're looking into some publishing houses and I know you like books and thought you may know something."

"She can stop by after I have her," Christian chuckles from his office door. "I heard your laugh, Blue."

"Fine, but I want to pick her brain after," Ros points at him and heads to the elevator.

I walk over to him and hug him tight, he pulls me into the office and shoves me up against door, lips locking with mine. I jump up a bit to wrap my legs around him, I was coming to his office to talk and not to have a quickie against the door. I'm carried over to his cleared desk, laid down over the cold top as he rips my panties off from under my dress.

"This is going to be fast," He says, lowering his pants and boxers.

I nod frantically, "Okay."

He plunges into me, thrusting hard and fast. I grip to the top of the desk as his lips play against mine. The fact that we could be heard is hot, making this whole scene incredibly hot. God! I meet him thrust for thrust even though he tries to keep me pinned, both of us cum with fire, shaking and pulsating. He takes great care in cleaning me up thankfully since he ripped my panties and I don't need to talk to Ros while he's leaking out.

"If you worked here we could do this multiple times a day," He whispers in my hair.

"If I worked here you'd get nothing done, and I told you yesterday I would think about it. Working in a cubical was never on my list of dream jobs," I sigh.

"There is an empty office next to mine, one that could be yours."

"Christian, I don't understand business and mergers or whatever the numbers and data tells you. I understand English and Politics, not helpful to your realm."

"I'll wear you down eventually," he smiles.

"You're going to ask me in the middle of sex, aren't you?"

"Possibly, I love you."

"I love you too, but you need to get back to work."

He rolls his eyes, "Fine, go talk to Ros. Yours or mine tonight?"

"Yours. I'm taking Nova back out and they're going to be staying with a trainer for a couple weeks just to better them," I kiss him gently.

"So two weeks at my place?" He says into my mouth.

"Maybe," I end the kiss and wave bye.

* * *

ONE WEEK LATER

I wait for Beth and Lisa to come into their office where I have been told to wait for them, to endure some intense conversation about what my fate is, what Leia's is, and if we're changing things up again. Last week they decided to trust me to eat normal again, and I've done that. I've done everything they asked of me last Monday, and last Thursday I am officially responsible for a seven year old's well-being.

"Morning, Ana. Sorry we're late but we had some new patients arrive over the weekend and we already have had to tube fee one of them," Beth apologizes.

"No problem, I totally get it," I smile.

"So, we have talked and don't think you need to be in program anymore. You've been doing incredibly on your own and in voicing your concerns with Lucy, and as long as you continue to communicate with her as often as you are now then you don't need to come in twice a week for full days," Lisa explains.

"We do want you to come in every other week for one day till September to make sure that you don't slip," Beth adds.

"Yeah, of course. That's awesome, you actually think I'm doing good enough for this?" I am excited and scared. Christian is going to be so proud of me. "I thought I had to stay in program till the completion."

"Normally you do, but everyone is different. You do need to make sure ether you look after yourself, and come to us or Lucy if you start to struggle again."

"Of course, I don't want to be that person again."

"Good, but that means we do have to restructure how often you can come here to hang out with Leia. You'll be coming as her parent and not a patient, which means you will visit during the designated hours. You can come to family sessions which will help her a lot, and follow along on the other side for her sessions," Lisa states.

"Of course. She's not in for that much longer, right? She was already here for a while before me," I ask.

"We think by the middle of July she'll be ready to go home, she has been doing better and trying more since you've been around. She's almost at the weight she needs to be at, but we want to keep her longer to see how she acts if she is less supervised at meals and has meals like we put you on last week."

I nod. We have to go over what needs to happen for Leia the next five or six weeks, going over family sessions, outings, weekends with me, how often I can visit a week, and all that fun stuff. We all agree that when she has her panic attacks that she can call me at any time because if they stop that it would not help her.

I have to come back Wednesday for my first family session with her, but I get to bring her home until then to see how it goes. Then for Christian's birthday weekend, if she passes these couple days, I get her from Thursday till Tuesday for all the celebrations and prep. I'm going to take her with me to stop by Christian's office so that we can have lunch there with him, Taylor and Andrea know and are organizing food for the three of us.

I help her pack up in her room, including her school books, and get dressed to go because it's warmer outside then in the clinic. She dresses in dark blue cotton short shorts, a white peasant top and has white sandals on; she is dressed like a little me right now if we reversed the colours. At least I chose to drive that car today, not my bike because the car has the booster and I'm not sure how she'd react to the bike yet.

We're close to Grey House, a couple blocks away when she seems to get restless in the backseat and tugs on her seatbelt.

"What's up Love Bug?" I ask.

"I think I've been here before," She frowns.

"We didn't come here last week, maybe when your parents were alive. You were little, it wouldn't be a big memory if you had, but that's what it could seem familiar."

"Okay," She settles down.

I park out front of his building, a the VIP Valet he has set up for executives and some visitors. For me when I'm too lazy and frustrated to actually park my own car. I grab my purse and then help Leia out of the backseat, she's seven and I don't know how old a kid should be to be fully safe in a car so I have the child safe locks on so she can't open the doors from the inside. It was all Christian's idea when he freaked out about driving a kid.

"Why are we here?" He looks up at me, frustrated.

"What's wrong?" I crouch down to her level.

We're in the lobby with Sawyer hovering close by, I ask him to go get Christian while I calm her down a bit. I scoop her up and go sit down on one of the white couches, rocking her in my lap. People are looking and staring but I don't give a fuck, they're adults and she's a child.

"What's wrong Love Bug? This is Christian's building, he owns everything around here, all his companies are based from here," I hum.

"I feel familiar here, in my head," She taps her forehead.

"What is your head saying?"

Christian walks out of the elevator with Taylor and Ros, probably thinking something is wrong with me and not expecting a child. She looks up at Ros really close, examining her under a microscope.

"Daddy and Mommy worked for you," She points at Ros.

"They did?" Ros's voice is calm. "Do they still work here?"

Leia shakes her head, clinging to me, "No, they died at work two years ago."

Christian, Ros, and even Taylor freeze and shift awkwardly. Right, so this is going to turn into an interesting day and interesting conversation when the time comes. Christian takes my purse while I carry her the the elevator and into his office. Ros joins us for a quiet and calm lunch, once we're up here Leia was quickly distracted by the view and the space he has in his office. The chair is also a hit since it spins and has wheels. This is what I get for letting her to have a cupcake that had more icing than cake.

"Are you going to tell me why the three of you froze downstairs? I never asked what happened to her parents as I didn't want to press but if you know something you have to tell me now. I don't want her to have an anxiety attack every time I bring her here," I whisper threaten.

We're huddle far from where she is colouring on Christian's desk, still in view in case she comes over and we can stop before saying something to upset her more.

"Two years ago we had an issue with an employee we had fired a couple months earlier, he was off and wasn't performing at the level we expected," Ros explains.

"He entered the lobby and managed to shoot fifteen people, killing three, before being taken down by security and is currently serving a life sentence in a federal prison," Taylor says.

"It was all over the news and papers, only a few months before we met. How did you not know about this?" Christian looks at me.

"Because if I had read or saw something like that in the news then I would have been a bigger mess then the one you found me in," I snap. "I'm going to take her home and talk to her about it later, thank you all for joining us for lunch."

Ros and Taylor leave while I gather both my things and Leia's, Christian tells Andrea to have the valet bring my car around. We're not really talking or looking at each other or talking right now, but he still walks us down to the lobby.

"Come over tonight?" He asks.

"Leia's staying with me till Wednesday," I say. "You can come out but I don't know how settled she will be first night."

"And her room is complete?"

"Yeah, thank you for helping me."

"Always."

He kisses me, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him too me. Both of us getting really into the moment.

"You guys are kind of gross," Leia laughs.

We break apart and I'm a bright shade of pink while I lead her into the car. Christian makes sure she's buckled before making sure I am.

"I'm going to ask Kate and Elliot to dinner tomorrow so Love Bug can meet them, and you are expected to be around to help out at five. I've cleared it with Taylor and Andrea," I smile. "You can come tonight if you want."  
"I'll stay at Escala, but I'll call before bed."

Dinner, snack time and bedtime go off without a hitch with Leia. The two walls you can paint in her room are a lilac purple, her bathroom is a sea-foam green, and the closet is a light yellow; all of her furniture is white; and her textiles mix all the colours together with a light grey.

Half way through the night she's poking at me with tears from a bad dream so she comes up into the bed for a cuddle. I switched my normal alarms off and have one set for seven like at the clinic instead. I hate to say that seven in the morning feels like sleeping in, but it is for me.

We make pancakes together and bacon for breakfast, she's a little upset that the dogs aren't around for a bit but they'll be back and I need to keep reminding her that they're not going to be gone forever. She helps with the dishes, and makes it official that my seven year old is more help in the kitchen then my almost twenty nine year old boyfriend.

We have a chill day until Kate arrives to help out at three, until then we work on her school and play piano. I try and keep her and myself off of electronics as much as possible because it is not needed. Kate arrives with some of the things that I had on my list for her to grab from the market, and I am happy she was able to find my place alright.

"Kate, this is my foster daughter Leia. Love Bug, this is my best friend from college Katherine Kavanaugh. She is dating Christian's brother," I introduce.

We both watch her try and figure out how to pronounce Kate's last name but thankfully Kate doesn't torture her and tells her to call her Kate. We move to the kitchen and lay everything out. For dinner we are having chicken skewers with onion and peppers, root vegetables, salad, and we're making a cake for dessert. Kate is here to help with the baking, and it will be more fun for Leia to help us with that.

"A seven layer cake?" I ask.

"Yes," Kate nods.

"Seven layers?"

"I have everything needed for it in my car," She's excited. "Let's have Leia vote."

"I want the seven layer cake, it's a rainbow!" Leia squeals.

"Alright then, seven layers it is." I smile.

I let Kate and Leia go get things from the car while I gather the basic ingredients and devices needed that I know I have here. I look at the recipe that Kate has for me on the laptop, and I know that this is going to be a lot of work for us to get done in time for dinner. Good thing that this kitchen came with two ovens, my dream kitchen.

"Okay, lets do this!" Kate fist punches the air. "Leia's picking out the colours for the cake because I have like fifty different food colouring colours."

"How do you have so many?"

"I stopped by a kitchen supply shop and they had that many," Kate answers.

I start on the batter while she preps all the tins, Leia is sitting on the breakfast nook and is looking over all the colours and I know that each colour is going to have a meaning for her. She is so careful at choosing. She lines the seven colours up on the counter, she's not tall enough to see up on the island which is adorable. We are alerted that the colours go from right to left, bottom to top, and thats what she wishes: grey, blue, purple, green, yellow pink. I had no clue that there was such thing as a grey food colouring but leave it to Kate to find that.

"I can't believe you offered to have Christian's party here on the Saturday, before the family meal party on the Sunday," Kate says while Leia mixes the colours into the batter.

"I want it to be a big party, and Mia has sent the guest list already. People will park at the school up the road and we have a shuttle to bring them here. The companies doing set up will be here at like five that morning, and I have to come up with an excuse to not have Christian here for any of that. And I offered to do the cake, don't know why I would do that but I did. It's the fifth today, I have ten days to really organize everything still," I ramble.

"Can I help make Christian's cake?" Leia asks.

"Of course Baby, you can help pick the colours and flavours too, we need enough for about seventy-five people who will all be here."

"You have the property for this," Kate shrugs. "We're all here to help too. Mia and Grace are excited to come out Friday to go over all the specifics, and they have a catering company set and ordered."

"I know, but I want it to be perfect. I should have been here last year and I wasn't. It's my first one with him and I still haven't figured out a gift."

"You need to breathe. You have time, and I am all for a shopping day. We can go shopping, get him presents and party clothes for that weekend."

"Can I come?" Leia asks Kate.

"Of course, I will make sure that Beth and Lisa are alright with it, even if it is just an afternoon," I smile.

I do have the property to handle this, I have three acres on waterfront. While most of it is not cleared there are clearings and areas where we are setting things up and organizing things for the party. I need to not stress myself out about it too much, and I'm fine until I start to think about it. Ten days till the party, well I guess eleven since it is on the sixteenth.

Elliot and Christian arrive at the same time, both casually dressed and sentenced to grill duty. Leia and I are the ones who are putting the meat, onion and peppers onto skewer sticks since it's too gross for Kate while she chops up the root vegetables. I send Leia carefully with the plate of skewers out to Christian, and she chooses to stay out there and help them with the grill. With everything cooking, I set the outdoor table and bring out a pitcher of lemonade, water and chocolate milkshake. Everything set out and looks like a picture from a magazine, the cake is the main attraction.

"I'm just saying," Elliot announces before we start. "Ana, you have great trees out back if you wanted like a tree house or tree village, have an in the tree adventure course."

"I'll get back to you on that one, when pigs fly," I roll my eyes.

"It will be before then. Mark my words."

"Consider them marked."

I plate both my plate and Leia's, pouring her a large glass of lemonade and myself one of water. It's a family meal, and if I am reading Christian well enough tonight he is just as comfortable with this as I am.

* * *

 **AN: I hope you all liked the chapter, next up is when Mia and Mama Grey come out to organize a wild party.**

 **What do you all think will happen, some of you are close with your guesses in the little contest to co-write a chapter with me.**

 **Keep up reviewing and communicating!  
**

 **Have a good night, Lovely's.**

 **-Mouse**


	37. Chapter 37

**AN: Good Morning Everybody! I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

Kate, Mia, Grace, Sawyer, Elliot and someone who works for Elliot are all coming out around eight to spend the day organizing and planning how we are going to set everything up and where things will be on the property. It will be good, as long as everyone can stay focused on what we're doing and that we have to have it all organized today for next week. However, I still have time and since I slept in till six I am running now and running later then I'd like since more people are out driving at this time to get to work on time.

When I run up to my house Elliot and Kate are waiting outside the gate in his truck, he's snooping and looking for a way to break in while she lounges up on the hood of his baby.

"You're early," I pant.

"You're sweaty," Kate smirks. "Let us in?"

I enter the code into the key pad and let Elliot drive in while Kate walks with me up onto the porch.

"Way to live life, Little One," Elliot laughs. "Top notch security, acreage on Bainbridge, waterfront; how about you let me in on how to pull this off after vanishing for a couple years?"

"It's all my own money, from selling and trading things. It's just me," I shrug.

"How come I didn't notice the gate on Tuesday?" He asks.

"I was home so it was open, and the fact that you didn't notice it is all on you."

"Is Leia here?" Kate asks.

"No, she's at the clinic but Sunday I can take her out so we can all go shopping. She really liked you guys, even Elliot," I tease.

They join me in the kitchen while I get breakfast, Kate joins me while Elliot goes off to snoop since Christian wouldn't let him on Tuesday. I don't care, I have nothing to hide and all the important stuff is locked away where he can't find.

"What's in the basement?" He shouts out.

"A living room, two guest suites and bathroom that all opens out onto the back porch and yard," I shout back.

"This place is huge!"

"I know!"

Kate watches me close as I eat my still abhorrently huge breakfast, but I'm always hungry after my run so breakfast is Elliot sized. She just seems, reads, as though she is really concerned for me and my safety. I know she is, if she has been through this before she would be reading into the running too much, as if I am exercising to lose weight but I'm not. I can't lose more weight but I need to work on muscle still and my timing has been lagging.

"Are you good? I mean, the running thing and all that?" She finally asks.

"Yeah," I swallow my last bite of pancake. "I make sure I take in at least as many calories as I've burned off when I run at breakfast. It's the only exercise I do in a day."

"Okay, I just don't want you to not be okay. Speaking of, there's going to be a lot of alcohol here next Saturday. Are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine and Lucy will be here since her husband and Christian are friends. I'll be more focused on Leia and Christian to probably worry about any of that. Thanks though, for the concern."

"Have you talked to Christian yet? Told him you don't drink anymore?"

"How did you?"

"The gala, when you spit the wine back out. I put two and two together, I'm proud of you. Everyone is."

"I still am expecting someone to yell and be mad at me, it hasn't even been a month yet and I'm on edge about everything."

"I'm not, Christian's not, Mia's not, Elliot's not, none of our parents are; we're all just happy you're home and safe. You're family."

"Thanks, I'm going to run up to shower and dress. The gate I think is closed so if anyone arrives to be buzzed in the code is your birthday."

"Mine?"

"Yeah, you're my sister."

I run up to my bedroom and shower as fast as my muscles allow, change into a white tank top, jean short overalls, and red converse. When I make it back down everyone is here and has drinks thanks to Kate.

I can hear Grace and Elliot talking down the hall from the kitchen in either my music room or art room. I find them in the art room as they look over all the pieces I have on the walls. The one I am working on for Christian is up on the easel in the middle of the room. If you look at the art starting on the right wall and follow it top to bottom and go around the room it goes over all of the different stages I've been in the last couple years, even back before I knew Christian.

"You really are a wonderful artist, Dear," She smiles.

"Thank you Grace, so do we want to go on a grounds tour first before we go into detail or organize what areas we need and I'll take you to those?" I ask.

"I would love to walk the property and decide from there, hopefully Mia will finally change her shoes."

"Why? What did she come in?"

"Six in heels the size of a pencil," Elliot chuckles.

"I have shoes if she needs something."

We head out, Mia opting to tough out the walk in her stilettos which is rather entertaining whenever I look back at her. We're heading down to the dock and boat house which means stairs made of rock for a decent amount of it. It's not very helpful to her current footwear but at least she is walking between Elliot and Sawyer in case she decides to fall on her face.

"The company doing the water obstacle course inflatables will come out on Friday," I tell Grace. "I was thinking we could also set up a food and drink station in the boathouse, just locking the bedroom."

"Sounds wonderful dear, this place is incredible and you have your own bay here almost, it will be wonderful. Christian always loved these courses as a kid, it will be nice to have for him this year. Everything you're doing for him is incredible, you have a big heart," Grace smiles.

"I want it to be happy, perfect. I missed last year and that was my fault so I need to make up for this year."

"You don't need to make anything up, you're here now and that is all that counts."

We get down to the dock and I already had the guys from the company come out and they know how to set it up and know how many of these giant inflatables can fit in the area. Over on the left of the dock is a pebble beach and cove cut into the rock, that's where we'll set up a bon fire at night for the few who will be staying into the night.

Different clearings are going to be for different activities and they we're sectioning off a part of the woods I never go in and they're making a paintball field because Christian loves paintball and why not. That's all on Elliot for the set up since I don't care much for it and I've never played that game.

This party was never going to be a adult like party, it is definitely young-adult or teenager but it will be fun and I know that Christian will love it. Everyone who will be coming to it will have something to enjoy while here. Grace and I have made sure that there will be something here for all age groups, to entertain them and Christian.

I set up a sandwich bar on the counter for everyone for lunch, and so I can spend some more time with Grace, Mia and Kate while the boys go off to talk technicalities and all that fun stuff. I want to get to know everyone and have them know me when I am not a frail and broken scrap of human. Sure I may still be broken but I'm not fragile anymore. I'm in a good spot in my life to be able to have a relationship and reach out to people.

Mia asks me to play since I haven't played for her before, I've played for Grace a few times before I ran off but Mia was never around. We go into the music room, leaving the door open in case Kate or Grace want to come and sit in here with us. I play her some of my original pieces but don't tell her that I am the one who wrote them, if the people I am playing for don't know I wrote the pieces they're easier for me to play.

"Who's that? Like who's the composer?" She asks.

"Me," I squeak.

"No way! You have to make a birthday song for Christian! I bet he'd be so happy he'd cry, it'd be so romantic!" She squeals.

"Making him cry would be romantic?"

"No, well, yes but only because of how you're making him cry. You don't have to, I just think it would be a really good idea. Do you know what you're getting him yet?"

"No, and Kate is coming shopping with myself and Leia on Sunday if you'd like to join us. I know how much you love shopping," I offer.

"Leia?"

"My foster daughter, soon to possibly be real daughter."

"Does Christian know?" Grace asks from the door with Kate.

"We're talking about it and he's hung out with her and me on a number of occasions. She really looks up to him and asks about him and he does the same. We haven't talked fully about it but we're both skirting around it since we're dating and nothing is serious."

"If nothing's serious why did I go with him to the — Fuck, Kate!" Elliot groans. "That hurt, why'd you kick me?"

"Shut up if you want to stay on my good side," She smiles up at him.

"I surrender," He holds his hands up. "I came in to ask her to reconsider the tree house idea, I found a good grouping of trees to make the most epic one you can imagine."

"Fine, if you want a tree house at my house that bad, go for it. If it doesn't pass a safety check though I will not allow Leia in it," I roll my eyes.

"Yes, I'll start next week and finish it before the party. Trust me, and you can't see it till it's done," He runs off.

"What did I do?" I look at Grace and Kate.

"Neither of us have allowed him to build on on either of our properties, I think you just made his day," Kate laughs.

"Great. Should I be worried?"

"No, just expect something out there. I'm sure that Leia will love it almost as much as Elliot."

Christian arrives while everyone is leaving and he's confused, I just tell him that I wanted to spend time with his family and all that since I'm back and don't have a job right now. He's still pushing for me to accept a job at GEH even though he hasn't told me what he is going to have me do for him in the office.

"So, you know the job argument?" He asks while we peruse take out menus.

"I am aware of the job discussion," I roll my eyes.

"I have an official contract and offer for you in my briefcase if you want to look at it."

"Does it actually tell me the position?"

"Yes."

"Fine, show me."

He pulls a booklet of papers, mostly his ridiculously long contract, and sets in on my lap. I read the papers over and over again, not sure if I am reading this right since I haven't had an adult job since getting my degree or anything else since I left Portland. It's clear though, in black and white on the page: Creative Head. It means I'd be an executive working with Christian and Ros and all the other executives who have years of experience on me.

"You think I can handle this?" I look at him.

"I know you can, so sign on?" He tries to give me puppy eyes.

"Leia will be coming home soon, and if I start a new job."

"How about you start in September, when she goes back to school. We can work your schedule to pair with hers, and this summer you can work part-time from home and come into the office for meetings and she can come in too."

"You drive a hard bargain Grey," I smile.

"But?"

"Hand me a pen," I hold out my hand only to be tackled to the ground.

* * *

 **AN: Thank you for all your kind words and support, keep them coming.**

 **The schedule for uploads is changing, I move back to the city on Saturday and school starts back next week. I am going into my third year of post secondary and have eight courses this semester. I will try and upload every day but starting on Saturday it will be once a day or even every other day depending on my schedule.**

 **Thank you for understanding, have a good day and I will see you tonight.**

 **-Mouse**


	38. Chapter 38

Friday morning, it should be a good day but there are three different teams setting things up for the party tomorrow and I have to keep Christian away from here, keep Leia entertained, take the dogs to their trainers who will have them for the weekend, go to GEH to finalize paperwork, and remember to eat. It feels like this is supposed to be a Monday, not the day leading into the weekend.

"Ana?" Leia rubs the sleep out of her eyes.

"Yes Bug?" I set her breakfast down in front of her. "You sleep okay?"

"Yep, and I stayed in my room all night, but why did Elliot walk by outside with things sticking out of his hair?"

"Because Elliot is a man-child and doesn't grow up so he likes to play in the dirt."

She nods her head, considering what I just said and eats her food. I've eaten, showered, dressed and am waiting for Sawyer to show up with other security so I can leave my property and not worry about the strangers running about. I run up and pick her clothes today: jean shorts, grey tee shirt, black jumper, and black converse. I'm trying to look a little professional and am wearing a navy sundress with white accents and will put heels on when we go to leave. I pull on a trench coat so I can load the dogs into the truck, Elliot is babysitting while I run up the road and back. Up until today I didn't feel like I bit off more than I could chew, now I feel like I'm running around with no head.

When I run back into the house I slip on nude pumps and grab my purse and Leia's backpack of distractions and school in case I'm meeting with someone longer then I'd like.

"Come on Bug, we're running late," I shout.

"Coming! Can I bring an apple?" She shouts back.

I run into the kitchen to see her trying to monkey her way up onto the counter, one look and she stops what she's doing and climbs down. I grab and apple and banana because she will most likely change her mind later, and then shoo her out to the car. When she's for sure buckled I race to the ferry hoping that we will make it on time because today is not the day to run behind a lot. Leia knows that she can't tell Christian what is happening at our house, let's just hope that she can keep this secret.

Rising up in the elevator to the top floor Leia is fine, eating her apple and counting the numbers of the floors as we pass them all. She goes right to Andrea as we get off on the floor, Leia finds the realm of being a secretary truly interesting.

"I'll be in Christian's office, Bug. Don't distract Andrea too much," I mess up her hair a bit. "Think of what you want for lunch."

"Okay!"

I walk into his office while he's on the phone, and go to sit on his lap and curl up in it. I got in a weird state of mind last night and I have been waiting to just have him hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I need for everything to be alright. When he hangs up he holds me close and holds me tight, and calls to Andrea to ask her to keep Leia occupied for a but until he calls her. I want to scold him and tell him that it is not the time for sex but I know that, that is not where his mind is.

"What's up Blue?" He hums.

"I miss that we never had the contract," I mumble. "I want it, need it. I needed it then and you bunked out, I want it now but now everything feels so messing and long past."

"You were so fragile when I offered that to you, I figured that it was a bad idea then."

"Now, Christian. Please, I want and need it. I know BDSM I've done it, I understand it and I am asking. I trust you to know me and I know you do, I'm falling apart and it's been hardly any time since all control was given back to me."

"We need to have a sit down, serious talk and negotiation over this," He sighs.

"I need you to just make all of it stop, make me feel safe and structured and I know that with the contract I can have that, we both can have that."

"Is this for me?"

"No, actually you didn't come to mind with any of this other than to be the one to control me. I need this and I need it with you, but if you can't I feel like I will still need it."

"Doesn't sound like I have much of a choice."

"I need it to be you, but I'll live with whatever choice you make and not leave you again. I can't survive that again."

"I can print off a copy for you to have and review and if you're absolutely sure I want the signed copy of it Monday."

"Yes Sir," I smile. "I like it when you hold me like this."

"Well that's good because I like holding you like this."

We decide to go to a deli down the street for lunch before I have to meet with Ros, Christian and most of the other executives who head their own departments. I don't know what I have gotten myself into yet but I guess I am going to find out soon.

I've been avoiding all calls from Carrick this week, even though I know I'll see him tomorrow. They are ready to press for the trial, they have dates set up and they want to get testimonies and names for the others who were in the house with me. They keep leaving me messages and I listen to them but I haven't answered because with the party, Leia, and my own mind it was already too much.

I meet with Ros and am introduced to the other executives who all size me up before Christian pulls me into a different conference room where Carrick is sitting with Leia and they're both colouring on blank sheets of paper.

"We need to talk," Carrick says.

"Fine," I roll my eyes. "Leia, baby can you go colour with Andrea or Ros for a bit?"

"Okay," She collects her stuff. "I'll play with Ros, she needs more colour in her office."

Leia skips out of the room while Christian and I sit down by him, Christian takes my hand under the table. He pulls some colour free files out of his briefcase and sets them on the table. None of us want to be here in this room right now, that much is obvious. We're not prepared for this, I don't want this to happen right before his birthday.

"As we suspected they're both pleading not guilty, but when you get me the journal and we access your medical records we can prove that they're liars," He cuts right too it.

"It means Ana will have to testify?" Christian asks.

"Yes it does, unless we can get them to change them into claiming they're guilty."

"Which is highly unlikely and I don't want to drag this on," I say.

They talk about what needs to happen and everything I will have to do when the trial comes to the nitty gritty. How I'll be called up to the stand and cross examined in front of both Bennett and Stephanie while they look at me and get into my head again. Fuck, I need a drink.

I excuse myself and run to his office and lock the door behind me, a futile effort since I know that he has a key and so does Taylor but I feel safe with it locked. I go to his filing cabinet and look through the bottom drawer where he keeps some of his hard liquors. I find a bottle of Hendricks and unscrew the cap before bringing it to my lips, letting the liquid run down my throat. I don't care if this is a mistake right now, if this puts me off from where I was. Having them calmly discuss what I _have_ to do and what I'll go through I can't get any of it out of my head, the look and the voices are so much this time.

 _"_ _Come on Elena, the least you can let me teach the brat is how to blow and want a guy off properly," Bennett sneers._

 _"_ _Do you think she's earned that?" Elena asks._

 _I watch their feet pace around in front of me and I put all my collective will power into not looking up at them or yelling back at them. I want to scream, the bite her finger every time she runs her claws across my face. I want to kick and fight them all but I can't, then I would have no where to go and no one in my life and I'd be just as lost and broken as I was before all of this started._

I take the bottle with me to his pristine white couches and get comfortable as Christian frantically bangs and shouts on the other side of the door. I take some more swigs of the fancy gin while he makes a fool of himself in his own building. How does he not get that shouting my name does nothing for me right now, it won't make me move or let him into his office. I can't. I just drink more, gulping more down.

 _She keeps nudging/poking at me with her horrendous black leather boots, making sure she gets me with the pointed tow each time. Bennett stands back, watching her and waiting for me to react. They're both trying to break me again, but I won't… not tonight. No matter how much my self control drains and the drive to snap back grows._

 _"_ _Go bend over the bench," She demands. "And don't cover yourself this time."_

 _I get up off the ground and bend over the bench, making sure that I walk over to the bench where they beat me with my hands not covering my bare chest. He watches me, drinks my naked body in since he can see everything through the not there thong she makes me wear in here. They cover nothing._

 _"_ _Good Girl," She goads me on. "It appears you can be obedient and can do something right. I was starting to believe you were a lost cause. Now lets see if your pain tolerance has grown in the past three days."_

 _I grip the top of the bench, my knuckles turning right from the pressure and strength I am putting into this. I feel the bit of the cane tear into my skin twenty seven times, enough to have broken skin and allow the blood to seep out and down my back. I want to cry but I can't, if I cry she will just hit me more. I get back down on my knees when she steps back, and let her stand over me._

 _"_ _One day you'll burn in hell and I'll through a party," I spit on her shoes._

 _"_ _Bennett," She screeches. "Show this cunt her place, I don't care what you do just make sure she knows not to speak that way to me every again. Just don't take her virginity, it's worth too much to me."_

 _"_ _Of course Elena, my pleasure," He smiles._

 _He grabs my hair and pulls me up onto the bench, forcing me to bend over as he beats my already open wounds with a cat. After too many hits that I lost count he throws me to the ground and throws multiple kicks and punches, breaking my already broken body. I feel my cheek and ear crack, everything in my head bursts with overwhelming light and pain._

 _"_ _Fuck, Bennett. This will be her second ER visit this month, what the hell were you both thinking?" Stephanie scolds through cotton. "I'll take her, I have an excuse ready."_

 _They roughly tug clothes on over my limp body before forcing me to walk out to the car and tossing me in the backseat. I wake up as she is helping me walk into the Emergency Room as Washington General._

 _"_ _Help! Someone help!" Stephanie fake cries and shouts, she sounds so distant. "I went to pick my foster daughter up and found her beaten by the bus stop! Please!"_

Christian's arms wrap around me, the bottle is removed from my hand and the banging and screaming stops. He rocks me back and forth for five minutes before I can even tell I'm crying. I don't like going back there. I haven't been there in so long.

"I need Lucy, can you call Lucy?" I whimper.

"She's already on her way, and Ros is still distracting Leia. You should have talked to me, I could have helped stop this," He kisses my temple. "I love you."

"I was sixteen months sober," I mutter. "I fucked up."

"I still love you."

"I love you too, I never want to ruin us though."

"And you won't. Are you okay enough to bring Leia in?" I nod. "Okay, Taylor go get her and her backpack."

Leia runs in and hugs me, wiping the tears from my face and then settling on my lap. She looks between Christian and myself, back and forth confused and wavering on excitement and frustration.

"You know what I talked to you yesterday about?" He asks her.

"Yep, I have it in my bag," She smiles and whispers real loud. "Is now the time?"

"Yes it is, can I have it."

She takes he backpack and rummages through it. Well now my curiosity is peaked and I want to know what they talked about, and when. I thought I was always around both them yesterday and I clearly wasn't. She hands him small red box and all air leaves me. He gets down on one knee and I shift Leia onto one.

"I was going to do this on my birthday, but I don't want you to be scared of me leaving you anymore. I'm always going to be here for you, no matter if you fudge up or are scared. You, Anastasia Rose Steele, are the love of my life and I knew it the moment I saw you. We're both bringing rollercoasters to this relationship, but it's us forever," He proposes. "So, Anastasia, will you marry me?"

* * *

 **AN: So... Yes or No?**

 **Goodnight everyone.**

 **-Mouse**


	39. Chapter 39

Will you marry me… four words that carry the weight of the world. Leia squishes my cheeks between her hands and forces me to nod at him making me laugh.

"Je ne peux pas imaginer la vie sans toi. Oui," I smile.

"Je pense que je suis l'homme le plus heureux sur la planète," He chuckles.

"Do any of those words mean yes?" Leia asks.

She gets caught between us, our kiss as he slides the ring on my finger. Holy shit, I just got engaged. Leia hugs me and tells me that I made the smart decision but need a breath mint, leave it to the seven year old to give me the honest truth. I can't believe that I just got engaged, that I am now apparently getting married. Fuck, I'm getting married. I've never even been to a wedding, all I know about them is what I've gotten from movies with Kate like _27 Dresses_ and _Bride Wars_ , but I don't want a giant bridezilla wedding.

"I get to be flower girl, right?" Leia looks between us.

"Of course," I kiss her nose. "Am I alive right now?"

"Yep, can I go colour with Ros again?"

"Go ahead, keep her on her toes," Christian smiles.

She heads for the door, mumbling something about sitting and colouring and not being able to be on their toes to draw but I got pieces of that conversation. Wait, he was going to propose to me on his birthday and Leia had the ring. He was planning something grand gesture like and romantic, _but this was romantic and more then I could have imagined_. If Lucy wasn't on her way and Leia wasn't in my care right now I would be letting this man have his wild way with me in his office.

"Did I miss something?" Lucy walks in. "I got three different nine one one pages to come here and you're both smiling and happy."

"I'm engaged," I say it out-loud. "But I also drank before we got engaged."

"Why did you suddenly break and drink?" She asks, sitting in a chair across from us.

"We were discussing the trial, about what would happen and how I would be forced to face them. I haven't had flashbacks in months Lucy, and that's how I knew to deal with it. I couldn't think straight about what to do."

"Okay, well any time you meet to go over the trial I will be there," She's talking more to Christian. "Alcohol if you are living together needs to be under lock and key, if you feel the impulse call myself or Christian or even Beth. You know that, you've been good at that. When it gets tough, take a moment and breathe. What are you supposed to do if you have a flashback."

"Day, location, why I'm safe," I tell her.

"Good, so what should you have been repeating to yourself when you were slipping?"

"June 15, 2012. Grey House in Seattle, Washington. Christian's here," I sigh.

"Good, remember that. Do you want the full session or are you okay right now?"

"I'm okay."

"Okay, I'll see you soon," She taps he nose.

I wave bye as Christian escorts her out. The bottle is on the coffee table, I pick it up and storm into his private bathroom and smash it in the shower he has in there, jumping back away from the shards that fly every which way. I cuss and mumble at the liquid as it runs down the drain. I can't believe I was so stupid, I almost gave up every little thing I have worked so hard for this past year and a half.

I want to cook dinner and spend time at Escala tonight, and even though I need to be back at my place late tonight/early morning so that I can bake the cake in the morning with Gail, Kate and Leia I want to do something for Christian tonight so we can celebrate. I go to Ros's office and see them both colouring on sheets of paper, Leia is telling her what to draw and how to draw it. I feel like I have created a monster with our little art lessons.

"Hey Bug, what's up?" I smile.

"I got to talk to Elliot on Ros's phone," She's proud of herself.

"You did? What did you two talk about?"

"Him and Kate asked me to have a sleepover in a tent!" She squeals. "With Mia too!"

"And what did you say?"

"To talk to you cause you're the boss."

"Who's the boss?" Christian walks in behind me.

"She's the boss," Leia points at me.

"Ha, you got downgraded," Ros laughs.

"Do you want to go camping tonight with them?" I ask.

"Yeah, but I want dinner with you first," She's back to drawing.

"That's possible, lets go get things to make dinner. We'll meet you at Escala for dinner Christian," I kiss his cheek and help clean up.

While we wait for the elevator he keeps kissing me and the ring, oh God the ring. Thank you security for having me park in the underground so I don't have to walk past the cameras that are always stationed outside. We get all the ingredients for my Zucchini Pasta Primavera, a bruschetta and I found a fantastic lemon gelato that we can have for desert. While we're cooking Fern calls and asks to meet so I invite her over before Christian comes back and tell security to let her up once she gets here.

"Fern? Am I in trouble?" Leia asks when she sees her.

"Of course not, Leia. I just need to talk to Ana for a minute for some adult talk, but no you're not in trouble," Fern soothes.

"Go watch TV in the media room, Bug."

She skips out while I half the cherry tomatoes in front of me. I offer Fern a drink but she declines, I know that something is doing to happen in the next twenty minutes that will ruin everything that has been building up.

"Ana, we were processing to adoption request and in doing further background into Leia's parents we discovered a half sister that her father had. They weren't in contact so it has been very difficult to find, but she wants to come and meet her," Fern says.

"And she could take her back to wherever she came from, right? What do you know about her and if she is able to?" I panic.

"She's thirty-two, works for the FBI in New York city after working for eight years in the NYPD. She's married, has a step daughter who is a teenager, and is willing to meet her and see what is best for Leia in the situation," She takes my hand and pulls me to sit on the bar stools with her. "When you were taken into state car you know that if you had family out there, even if you didn't know them, you would have rather been with them. I know you."

"If her aunt wants her and is going to be there for her then I have no problem letting her be with them. When will she be out here?"

"Tuesday, don't worry I will make sure that Leia is alright when meeting her and spending time with her. You just deserved a heads up."

"Thank you, and I will always just want what's best for her."

"I know, now I'm going to talk to her and then I'll see myself out."

I keep cooking to focus on dinner and eating while I know that in the other room Fern is going to be explaining something to a little kid who may not understand. Five minutes before Christian is to be home Fern leaves and Leia is in the kitchen clinging to me. I'm trying to finish and plate the food while she makes it almost impossible to move around the kitchen. I tell her, remind her, that family is important and that even if she lives with her aunt and her family become's that on the east coast I will never not be there for her or not love her. Reminding her of that calms her down, and I tell her Christian has a plane and I can come visit as often as work allows us, and she will still be the flower girl for our wedding. I promise myself to tell Christian about what has happened when Kate comes to switch cars and take her camping.

Dinner is good, it goes off without a hitch. Everyone eats everything and I have time to prep snacks to send with Kate for Leia to eat when she gets hungry. They're gone by six forty-five and Christian and I are alone in the penthouse, going over the contract again. I an really going to need this once Leia goes to live with her aunt.

"You're still sure you want to do this?" He asks.

"Absolutely."

I had Leia explain to him what Fern had talked to her about, I figured that she was better to tell him because it does take more of a toll on her life then it is on my own. I just need something, the structure I'm craving while trapped in this whirlwind.

An hour of negotiations and we've settled on rules and everything, enough so that it is all finished, printed and signed on the dotted line. Now we can just relax in front of the fire, wrapped around each other as the world keeps going.

"When will we tell everyone?" I ask, worried about tomorrow and baking.

"I was thinking Sunday night dinner," His hand traces my breast.

"And if I see them before then? When Kate and Elliot were here I put my hand in my pocket, I doubt I can get away with doing anything with my hand in my pocket."

"How about we call everyone on a conference call?" He suggests.

"Yeah, yeah that could work," I moan as he tweaks my nipple.

He pulls out his phone a calls everyone, making sure we're all connected on the same line. His hand runs down and plays around my hip bone. It take a moment for things to calm down and settle, to stop everyone from talking all at the same time.

"We didn't call to talk in circles," Christian buts in.

"Then why did you call, Son?" Carrick gruffly asks.

"Can I tell?" Leia shrieks into the phone.

"Not this time, this is something we need to say," Christian chuckles. "And you don't need to yell, we can all hear you just fine."

"Oops, sorry."

"What's wrong? What did you do? What do we have to fix?" Mia interrogates.

"Nothing needs to be fixed, this afternoon Anastasia and I got engaged," Christian smiles.

I cover my ears when Mia and Kate both scream out to the heavens, Christian is laughing while trying to hold the phone and shrug his shoulders up to help cover his ears a little. Gail and Taylor run in from staff quarters, he has his gun drawn and is holding her somewhat behind him. Thank God we're covered by the blankets, otherwise they'd be seeing things that only Christian should see or a medical professional.

"Congratulations," Grace chuckles at the squealing. "I'm very happy for both of you."

"When are you getting married? Oh, oh, oh… can I plan it? I can just see it now, you guys will have the wedding of the century, screw Katherine and William and their royal wedding. You guys will be at the top," Mia exclaims.

"Do you have a date? Ideas, this is your wedding not Mia's," Kate adds.

"It's not going to be the wedding of the century, is it?" My anxiety is through the roof.

"We can elope if you wish, Blue," Christian kisses my nose.

"NO!" All the women on the line shout.

"No yelling, they can hear you," Leia scolds.

"We'll try and have information for you by my birthday. Goodnight," He hangs up.

* * *

 **AN: Hey, sorry for only uploading one chapter, but with packing and getting ready to move tomorrow including a lovely 9 hour drive means I have limited time.**

 **No chapters tomorrow, I am really sorry about this but I won't have internet access, and it's up in the air about Sunday. Monday will have uploads, and every day next week will have one. When I get all my course schedules I will give you all a new upload schedule. I am also going to start uploading a new story and continue to work on Driven.**

 **Thank you, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Goodnight!**

 **-Mouse**


	40. Chapter 40

**AN: Sorry of the wait guys, moving has been hell... Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

I'm the worst fiancé ever, I left him asleep at four in the morning just to go and back and get everything ready for those who are supposed to come help. I also kidnapped Gail even though she came willingly I stole her from Taylor. I don't get brownie points this morning, even if I left him a sweet note telling him that he can come over for lunch at noon, which is actually when the party starts. Why?! I am so tired too, Christian wouldn't let me sleep until one in the morning, but Gail promised to let me nap while cakes are in the ovens and they're making icing. I don't need any of it, I can live off of coffee and all the sugar that will be available today. It's going to be a good, long, day.

We're going a small nine inch round, and seven inch round two tiered cake for his birthday cake; however, we're also making like, five-hundred mini cupcakes of five different flavours that correspond to five different icings. It's why we're staring at five in the morning and got a mini freezer to help cool them down to ice. Hopefully Kate, Leia, Mia and Grace will be here by seven thirty like they promised because there is no way on heaven or earth that we will accomplish this properly in the allotted time.

"What do you want to start on first?" Gail asks.

"I'll work on the cake, you can start on the lemon cupcakes since those and the red velvet take the longest. I'll use the top oven and you can use the bottom," I answer.

"Sounds good, and you organized everything well," She points to the bins that have all the non-perishable ingredients in them for each cake, I have them in the pantry fridge for the perishable items too. "You've put a lot of work and effort and time into his party."

"I love him, I'd do anything for him," I blush.

"I know, now let's get to work. We have seven hours to back and ice all of this, good thing we have five _Kitchen Aid_ mixers."  
"Thank God that Mia and Kate don't actually cook and use them to let us borrow theirs, plus my two and yours," I smile and get to it. "Would you mind if I put music on?"

"Of course not, Ana. Go for it."

My iPad is connected to the Bluetooth speakers that run through the house so I can play my music where ever I am and whatever rooms I want. I manage to get the chocolate cakes in their pans and in the oven in good time, enough to allow me to make a lot of smoothie so I can keep drinking those and coffee all morning, and then I start on the white chocolate ganache and strawberry puree before the chocolate buttercream. I could run my own bakery if I wanted, but I don't because baking should not be this stressful.

The guys who are with the company with the inflatable obstacle course for the water arrive at six and I show them to the back road on the edge of my property that can be used as a boat launch, the easy access to the water if you don't want to take the main path and stairs that are a bit rickety. I run back up to the house in time to take the cakes out and flip them onto cooling racks, giving myself a few good bruises before the sun is lighting up the corners of the paths. We have so much to get done and it's not even seven o'clock yet.

Now we can use both ovens for cupcakes, each able to hold four of eighteen tin mini tins at a time which means that we can bake seventy-two at a time. Quick and easy. I ice, layer and decorate the chocolate strawberry cake that will have the candles for Christian to blow out and at the center of the table to be surrounded by the cupcakes. Gail keeps on her roll with the cupcakes and I know we'll end up with one hundred and eight cupcakes of each but that's fine. Five different cupcakes: lemon, red velvet, key lime, chocolate, and vanilla. Five corresponding buttercream icings to pair: raspberry, cream cheese (not buttercream), white chocolate, chocolate, and coffee. Yep, I have overloaded my plate for today but we have time, we have to have time.

"Holy cupcakes!" Mia gasps, entering the kitchen with Leia on her back.

"I thought we were coming to help, how many are there left to do?" Grace asks.

"We still need to bake the key lime and make the batters for both the chocolate and vanilla; all the icings need to be done; toppers need to be cut or separated; all the cupcakes need to be iced; and we only have four and a half hours," I panic. "The caterers will be here in a half hour to start setting up the different stations for food; the water people should be wrapping up by the time the caterers get here; and I can't remember who else is supposed to be here but they'll come back eventually and Sawyer has the list."

"Everything is going to be okay, breathe. We'll be alright and the calvary is here, now tell us what to do, boss," Kate hugs me.

"I want a nap," Leia whines.

"You can go nap, I'll wake you before the party to get showered and dressed," I lift her off Mia's back. "You need sleep cause this goes into the night."

"Can you tuck me in?"

"Of course, Bug," I look at everyone hovering in the kitchen. "All the cupcakes in the black freezer can be taken out and iced ones those are made, Gail knows what is what."

I carry Leia up to her room and lay her down on her bed, she's in leggings and a long sleeve which is comfortable enough to sleep in for a while. I tuck her in under the covers and crawl in with her till she is asleep and I can move without waking her. Fern's right, I want her safe and happy and if that means her living across the country then so be it. She deserves the best that the world has to offer her. She will never lose me though, if she ever needs me or Christian she knows that she will have both of us.

I go downstairs to see Kate and Mia whipping up icing with Grace overseeing them so I go to help Gail with the batters before cleaning my mixer and starting on the icings and the toppers. We're going to do it, everything will be okay, and while everyone works on icing the last hundred I go up to wake Leia and get her to shower and change into a one-piece white swimsuit, white shorts and grey top. I run across the hall to shower in my room and dress in a black two piece and short black/white/grey silk romper. When I make it back down again my backyard is filled with guests, the baking is done, everyone is dressed and Christian will be arriving any minute. Kate has to drag Leia out to the backyard since Christian believes that I am the only one here to have lunch with him before 'Leia is dropped off'.

I run and met him in the driveway, leaping into his arms and hugging him like he's come home from war. He looks sharp in black shorts and white t-shirt, he looks like a carefree young adult. I love when he dresses like he's on vacation.

"You look hot in my ring," He moans in my mouth.

"It feels right," I smile. "Come, lunch is ready."

I start to tug him into the house but the man of muscle doesn't allow me too and just holds me to him, warm arms around my body.

"Are you on the menu?" He nibbles my ear.  
"No, it's actually a surprise. I worked hard on it," I look at him.

"Then lead the way Miss Steele, but I do plan on having my wicked way with you today at some point. I was disappointed to wake up with you gone. You scared me to death and you know what that means."

"You can punish me later, trust me it won't work in either of out favours right now."

He follows me out onto the back deck where we can look over at everyone who is in the backyard, all of his family of friends shouting 'surprise' or 'happy birthday'. At least most were yelling those nice things, Elliot decided to point out that it shouldn't take as long as it did to get from the front of the house to the back and I hide in Christian's arms.

"You did this for me?" He asks.

"We all did, I just offered to host. There are multiple stations and activities that represent various points in your life and it will be fun," I smile.

"Thank you Blue."

"Anything for you Superman."

We go down to join everyone and for Christian to be swarmed with friends who congratulate us both on the engagement and on his birthday before we make it to his family. All who swarm and congratulate him, but it is down to Elliot and Leia who cling and pull him two different ways to different activities.

"Come on, come play in the water with me," Leia squeals.

"I think what she meant was paintball," Elliot lifts her up and spins her around.

"How about I just sit down for a bit and absorb what I just walked out too," He jests.

I let him run off with both the 'children' while I sit back with Kate and Grace on the main lawn. I am not that into any of the activities, and the only way that someone will get me to do any of them will be if Christian asks me to do it with him. I just hope he doesn't ask me to swim with him, that is something that I can't do.

"Everything is so wonderful, Anastasia," Mrs Trevelyan tells me. "I am sure it has made Christian truly happy, and the engagement."

"Thank you, I am really happy too. Christian just makes me feel more, he's one of the only people I felt like didn't have one foot out the door," I blush.

"Do you have any ideas about the wedding?" Kate asks.

"You'll know when we want to tell you, I just want to feel stable for a while longer and I feel like a monster wedding would knock me over. If you'll excuse me I'm going to say hello to Lucy," I get up from the group and find her by one of the food tables. "Can we talk?"

She turns to me with her bowl of fruit, smiles and nods before we head down towards the beach and boat house. We head down a closed path for the party to where my bench is at the top of one of the little cliffs, it's my thinking space and we won't be interrupted.

"Is it about the engagement or Leia? Fern called me after she spoke with you and I was waiting for your call last night," She smirks, knowing me.

"I want her to have the best life she can, with or without me, but I've grown attached and I love her like she were my own. I don't even know if Christian wants kids, if he wants me to have his kids. I never thought I wanted kids, and now I have a job so kids, babies, seem not realistic but… I don't know… I just…" I stammer.

"You want some now? You want babies and a family," She concludes. "It's okay to want that. You just need to talk to Christian about it."

"I'm scared to."

"He won't reject you like you're imagining. He loves you as much as you love him, just talk to him and be with him. Just like you've been doing."

"Everything will be okay?"

She points at Christian and Leia on the beach, "Focus on him, know you have him and both of you have histories you need to work with, but you will both grow and succeed. Life is never predictable."

I nod a little and watch Christian on the beach, he's happy and light. When he notices where I'm sitting with Lucy worry flashes over him so we head back to the main party, and go to hide by Kate and Grace again.

"Come on the inflatable thing with me," Christian runs up, smiling like a little boy.

"Sure," I take is offered hand.

"Are you sure Ana?" Kate shouts after us.

"I'll be fine!" _I hope_.

* * *

 **AN: Let me know what you think, what could possibly happen?**

 **Review, Question, Comment, Send the Love...**

 **I will try to upload every day, if not every other from now on since I am taking 8 university courses this semester.**

 **-Mouse**


	41. Chapter 41

On the beach I strip from my romper and stand before Christian in my bikini, his mouth hanging open and eyes bugging out. Leia is riding on Elliot's shoulders as they go to one of the jet ski's that we can take to the inflatables. I am holding onto Christian's arm once he's just in his swim trunks. I don't do water, nothing deep and never over my head. I got this thing for Christian and everyone else tempted to chance their lives on it, at least Elliot has the sense to put Leia in a life vest. I would wear one if they didn't feel like they were suffocating me.

"You okay?" He kisses my temple.

"Always with you," I smile.

He helps me onto the back of the jet ski and then takes off to the obstacle course that technically extremely safe, but over deep water where if you're in there is no way out. I have no ease when it comes to dark water, deep water. Too many bad memories with Bennett, too many times when he threw me off the dock and held me under till I felt the water burn its way into my lungs. I don't know how to handle myself if I fall in. I look back at the beach to see Kate getting ready to get on a jet ski to come out, she knows my fear of water. A pool is normally fine, like when we were in Orlando, but he tossed me in the sound. He always tossed me in the sound.

"Again!" Leia laughs as christian pulls her out of the water, just to toss her back in. "Higher, Christian, higher!"

I smile, she is so happy right now even though everything could change. _But not all changes are bad, some can be good and help you grow_. I am lifted off of the rubber inflatable and over Elliot's shoulder while he laughs and leaps from island to island and across barriers. I am kicking and hitting him but he doesn't set me on my feet. Kate is shrieking at him in the background, and when he stops I know that all hell is about to break loose.

"Come on, Elliot, she clearly just wants to be put down. Don't be an ass," Christian says.

"Put her down?" The amusement oozes out of Elliot's voice.

"Elliot!" Kate scolds.

I am not getting out of this in any type of safe sense, I will not react normally and it will all be thrown down the drain. It's Elliot, he knows not what he does since he is a child in an adult body, but he'll toss me in and laugh while I sink. No one will understand, I'll be alone in the cold burning water. It will drag me down and I don't know what to do about it.

One second it's air and the air time feels like minutes, but as I break the water everything is so fast before I'm under and that time fades to hours. I stiffen, sink, and let the light shrink to black. Warm arms wrap around me and drag me to the surface before I am laid out on the inflatable. I try to keep my eyes closed, pretend that it never happened but the water that clads my body still sends a chill through me.

"Come on Ana, open your eyes," Christian pleads. I shake my head, he laughs. "I'm sure bacon couldn't entice you either, would it?"

"You can't bring bacon here in the water," Leia scoffs.

I open my eyes and crawl over to Christian, straddle him and hold him like a koala. I can see Leia behind him and in the distance Kate is scolding and berating Elliot which normally would bug me but isn't. He deserves it, even if Kate withholds sex from him.

"I don't like my head going under the ocean water, or lake water," I whisper.

"It's okay, you're safe now," He kisses my cheek. "By the way, when can I eat the chocolate cake that you made?"

I lean back and look at him, smiling and tell him once he eats some lunch we can have cake and presents. This is when I love to see child-like Christian because he stands with me still gripping onto him and beelines for the jet ski's to take us back to shore and then sets me down. I pull romper on over my swimsuit and go with him up to the main lawn where the cupcakes and cake have been moved out by the catering company. He gets a plate of sandwiches and little appetizers for both of us to share piled up on the plate, Leia is clinging to Kate who is helping her get her own food.

"This has been incredible," Christian smiles. "Best birthday ever, thank you Anastasia."

"Anything for you," I smile. "And Christian?"

"Yes, Blue?"

"I love you, so much."

"I love you too, and the option to elope is still there."

"I'd rather not be killed by Kate, Mia, your mother and your grandmother."

"It will be our day and no one will take that from us."

"Thank you."

We finish eating and call everyone up to the main lawn, and it was rather difficult getting everyone in from paintball and the water. Cake and ice cream went off easy, everyone found a flavour that they enjoyed and we will have leftovers. After today we will have a lot of leftovers to last us about a week.

Most of the gifts people get him are things that are for work and what he can use for times like that. As a joke Mia had everyone get him a tie, all of them grey or black, but he has enough for a couple months. I am saving mine for tonight; Leia got him a remote control helicopter that is a replica of his real one; Grace, Carrick, Mr and Mrs Trevelyan got him a house in Hawaii; and Elliot is now leading us into the forest for his present. Well, I'm getting a piggy back ride through the forest.

"So, I know you let me build a treehouse and I did. There is one close to the house that is just like the dream fort I wanted and will be great for Leia and all the other rugrats you have. I also made something for just you two, that is kind of like a tree house, kind of like a guest house, and just awesome," Elliot explains. "Welcome to your new adult fort."

We're standing at the bottom of a ladder that runs all the way up into a group of trees. Looking up at this 'adult treehouse' I wonder how he did this in a week, but then again he was here working at six in the morning and gone around eight at night every day. I climb up the ladder after Christian, it's his gift technically so he should see it first.

It's beautiful, there is a balcony on the side to look out over the water and the roof is all glass, there are a couple of chairs and a king sized mattress and boxspring that are just on the floor in the middle. It will be the best place for stargazing at night, or to just read in the rain. I like the idea that there is no electricity out here.

"So what do you think?" Elliot pokes his head up.

"Awesome, El. You have outdone yourself this time. I appreciate this," Christian smiles.

"I try, I'll meet you back at the house. I think we need to have a family round in the paintball arena."

Christian sits down on the bed and pulls me onto his lap, I cuddle into him as he just holds me close. I cherish the moments where we can just be and it's like all the words that need to be said are there in the silence and everything is at peace. We're so sleeping here as soon as Leia goes back to the clinic or stays with a Grey. I could never leave her alone in the house if we were out here at night.

We slowly walk back to the group before we're dragged off with Elliot, Kate, Mia, Ethan, Leia and some cousins to the paintball arena that they have set up. I talk Taylor and Sawyer into playing so that we can play in teams of three. We won all five rounds we played, I may have taken shooting lessons at a gun range multiple times before getting licensed.

After a barbecue dinner only family is left and we're having a huge bonfire down on the beach. Tomorrow everything will be dismantled and it will be as if this day never happened but this day is not one I could ever forget. I get to hear a lot of stories about pouting Christian, how he didn't like to share, his moping teen years, and how he built up GEH. Sure they're all stories that I have heard from him but it's nice to have a new perspective on what he was like to grow up around. It's a bonus that his cousins and siblings are all too willing to answer any question I ask the group. We don't make it to bed till two in the morning, Christian will get my gifts in the morning.

When we wake I make us breakfast and let Leia watch a movie in the media room, she's still wiped and just needs a mellow day. I take Christian to the music room and sit on the bench, he stands by the window looking out at the cloudy day. I play him the song I wrote for his birthday, for us, it's the story of us and how our relationship formed and how he makes me feel. I have composed songs about him before, but this is really about how he makes me feel safe compared to the times that I have been without him.

I also got him custom cufflinks that look like a knot but if you look close it is our initials intertwined; a custom classic where you can pick a classic book and change the characters and I did that with Peter Pan for him; I got him fun coupon books that are good for everything from cleaning for him, cooking for him, and all types of sex coupons (it was Kate's idea). The last gift I got him is upstairs, and works even better now that we are engaged.

We stand next to each other in my bedroom and I open one of the drawers in the dresser I cleaned out to make room for him. I've turned one of the guest rooms into a closet for the clothes I don't normally use, when it's not the season for them.

"A drawer?" He asks, eyebrow raised.

"Not just one," I look at my hands, face alight with blush.

I don't want to say it out loud, I don't know… just asking someone to move in with you seems so blunt and forward which isn't me. Doing it this way seemed cute but I can't tell if he is getting it or not.

"I love it, thank you Blue," He smashes his mouth to mine filled with passion.

"Anything for you Superman," I gasp into his mouth.

He lifts me onto the bed and lays me down, goes and locks the door, and strips on his way back to me. His eyes raking over my clothed body as if I am his oasis in a vast desert. I feel like this is so wrong with Leia here, but oh God what he can do with his hands.

"Are you wet for me?" He asks once I'm stripped bare, I nod. "Answer me, Anastasia."

"Yes Sir," I moan as his fingers trace patterns on my thighs. "Wet and wanton."

"Good Girl."

He kisses his way up my right leg but stops before my core, and then does the same to my second leg and then blows on my soaking folds as he holds my thighs open. His eyes sparkle with delight, he loves the control and I am all for giving it to him but I want to shriek at him to just fuck me already. The teasing thing he has going on is killing me.

"Christian," I groan.

"This is going to be hard and fast, baby," He smiles, tapping his erection against my clit.

"Fuck yes," I lift my hips to meet him. "Please."

"I love it when you beg," He slams into me.

* * *

 **AN: Hope you liked the chapter.**

 **Please review, message and it gives me the push to keep writing this. I wonder at times if people are interested or if people are losing interest.**

 **Thank you, have a great night.**

 **-Mouse**


	42. Chapter 42

I'm at the airport with Fern and Christian waiting for Leia's Aunt and family to arrive at baggage. Their flight landed a couple minutes ago but I am impatient. Leia is back at the clinic but will meet her Aunt tonight, and they will see how this week will go and then they'll talk to Leia and her Aunt. That little girl's whole world could be different next Tuesday, and no matter what I know she will have a good one. She has to have a great life, she is an incredible little girl.

"Fern?" A tall, skinny brunette comes up to us, she has darker skin. "I'm Alex McNally, it's a pleasure to see you in person."

"It's nice to meet you too Mrs McNally, this is Anastasia Steele and her fiancé Christian Grey. They've been taking care of Leia when she has been out of the clinic," Fern smiles.

I shake Alex's hand, "It's nice to meet you, call me Ana."

"Only if you call me Alex, you really are a wonderful person if you're willing to take in children you don't know," She smiles.

"I've been in their shoes, would you like to go to lunch or your hotel first?"

"Lunch would be wonderful, thank you, but only if I can treat you all."

We go to a small restaurant near the water that I love, not too expensive but everything they make is organic and healthy. We all sit at a table in the corner and Fern talks about how this week will go, that Alex can spend as much time as she would like to spend with Leia getting to know her but won't be alone with her. This weekend we will have her again and then they can spend time together out of the clinic and in normal environments and see how Leia reacts to Alex if she were in charge. This coming Sunday and Monday, if Leia is alright with it, Alex will have her in an apartment at Escala on the lower floors so we all know where they are and they can try to be a family. This whole things scares me, but I am happy about her having family.

"Can I ask you something, Mrs McNally?" Christian asks before they bring dessert.

"Of course Mr Grey, I'll answer anything," She looks at him.

"How did you not know you had an orphaned niece or you half sibling had died?"

"My half-brother and I never grew up together. My dad left my mother for his, they lived on the west coast while we lived on the east coast. When my mother re-married her husband before my dad, and he is in all sense of the word. I found out about having a brother when I was sixteen, he was thirteen. I was okay with it, wanted to know my biological father and half-brother since my mother couldn't have kids after me. He thought I was coming in to take his dad away from him, was angry and aggressive for the summer I was with them. I just wanted to know the other half of my DNA. When he got married he would write at random times, trying since his dad asked him too. I figure that once dad died he didn't want to try anymore. I was alright with that, but if I had known then I would have been here," She pauses and takes a sip of water to steady herself. "My mother was murdered when I was eighteen, and I will never take family for granted ever after that. I would have been here, to support my niece had I known she was alive but I didn't. I didn't know but now I do and I'm here, if she wants me gone I will but if she wants to come home with me I will make my home as happy and accessible to her as she needs. I want you both to know that I won't force her on a plane to come back to New York with me, it's her choice and hers alone. I won't manipulate her and I hope you won't either."

"I just want what's best for her, and family is the best," I try to smile.

We finish lunch and head to her hotel so she can check in and drop off her luggage, Fern is taking her to the clinic today and as much as I want to be there when Leia meets Alex I can't. I have to wait till Leia calls me and tells me about how things happen and what she thinks of the whole mess. I know that she was a ball of stress and nerves this morning when we dropped her off, and I hated leaving her like that.

We go back to Grey House to work, I am currently working on a new design for a rebrand or new logo for the company and have to have options to Ros and Christian to look over on Friday. I want to do great, it will be my first major project at GEH and will be what all the other executives judge me with. At least Christian just makes me dress formal when I have meetings with people, since I am just working on my own today I am in a purple blouse and grey leggings with high boots. It's one of the cold June days, not like his birthday party on Saturday. The designs need to speak on Christian and what GEH does which is difficult since they do everything. I mean, this is not the easiest thing to do when you have to get really creative and check other logos so no one can come after me for plagiarism.

"Woah, I always wondered what a creative's person's office would look like. You have a little something there," Ros walks in and motions to my left cheek.

"Sorry, I have been working with charcoal today and my office normally is much cleaner. What do you need?" I ask.

"The new publishing sector that we have building. The SIP acquisition was juts the start and I was thinking we could re-brand. We still want to make them feel a little independent but it looks old and tacky. We need something that can be used here but also somewhere like New York, Boston or London."

"Yeah, when do you want it by?"

"Two weeks?"

"Okay, can I work with anything?"

"Always."

She comes over and looks at the mess I have made with the charcoal, I really like this design but I would need to actually clean it up and make it look nice in my digital programs. I just needed the act of art this afternoon instead of sitting at the desk looking at a screen and playing with the digital art tablet.

After a comment about how it is a good thing that my furniture isn't white she walks out and is onto another mission. She is always moving and keeping things moving while Christian does what he does, including bugging me while I am working.

Thursday I am working on the nine different logo ideas with the digital programs, so that they can see the concept art and the digital art to see how it can differ. You can love the look of something in a physical discipline but the digital style can ruin some. I'm not a huge fan of the digital world but they need it and I am the one who will do it. I don't trust someone to transform my art to be what I vision.

I haven't seen Leia since Tuesday morning, she calls at night to say hello but she doesn't sound like herself. I hope that tomorrow night when I pick her up that she will tell me what's wrong, and if it is Alex she needs to talk to Fern. I miss my little Bug, and Beth has been telling me that she has been doing great with her eating and weight except at breakfast.

Friday, after the meeting to discuss logos, Christian and I are in my car and are heading to pick Leia up, we're staying at Escala this weekend like I have been all week. This way Alex will be closer and we don't have to organize ferry times and travel because it's only four more days of this hell. When we get her and her things in the car she is silent the whole drive and once inside she runs to the media room where there are toys and games for her. I leave Christian to put her stuff in my old room so I can check in on her.

"What's wrong, Love Bug?" I ask, scooping her up to sit in my lap.

"Will everyone hate me when I have to choose?" She whimpers.

"I could never hate you, no matter what you choose. I will always love you no matter if you stay here or go with Alex. I will never leave you, no matter if you're here or in New York. Don't worry about any of the adults, none of us, just think of you and what you want. What you think is best for you, and know that we will always be family, us and Alex. Okay?" I coo.

"I don't want to leave you," She cries.

"I know, but I'll always be there and visit should you choose to."

I hold her and rock her till she is asleep, thankfully she has already had dinner tonight so I can just do and tuck her in and let her rest. At least now I know what has been eating her the past few days to make her not talk about all the time, hopefully her voicing that will also help her to eat the breakfast's she's been struggling with.

Saturday I watch Leia and Alex interact in the penthouse and when we go out around town. Alex is so good with her, incredible and very much a family. I feel hopeful watching them because it proves to me that I know she will be okay, that she deserves the family that I don't have but would kill for. There is no better place for her.

Monday night I am making dinner for Leia, Alex and Fern for us to see what the future holds. Christian keeps offering to just take us all out but I need to cook to stay calm. We're just waiting for Fern to get here, to talk and to get past this.

"Are you for sure not hating me?" Leia asks as we pack up her Escala stuff.

"I am so happy for you, Love Bug. You can always call and we can video chat. This is going to be so good for you," I smile, holding back all tears.

"I should give this back," She starts to take the locket off but I stop her.

"No Bug, you keep it. I want you to keep it."

"But what if you and Christian have kids? Don't they need it?"

"It's yours, and if we have kids we can get them something special, but this is your something special from me. Okay?"

"Okay."

We had moved all her stuff from my place to Escala in case this was the verdict, and Christian is flying them out in his jet so they don't have to pay for the multiple bags. I make sure we don't have a long goodbye. I can't handle that. Once she is gone I go into my 'office' here and gather my art supplies, throwing all of my emotions onto the canvas. I can't help but thinking back to the words used, words said. How everything started off on unsteady ground.

 _"_ _Leia, no one here is here to pressure you in any way of how to answer," Fern starts. "I need to know what you would like to do, what you would like to happen from here on out. Do you understand that?"_

 _"_ _But what if people get mad?" Leia mumbles._

 _"_ _No one will be mad," Christian answers. "We all want what you want."_

 _"_ _For sure?"_

 _"_ _Absolutely," Alex smiles._

 _She looked around the table at all of us, looking into us to see if we are being truthful or not. I just smile at her and nod, watch her fiddle with the locket around her neck. She keeps looking at me, asking me for this non-existent permission to speak what she wishes. She doesn't need to have permission, she can say anything that she wishes and it will be all okay. She looks down at her lap, shrinks into the chair, making herself as small as she can._

 _"_ _I want to go to New York, with my Aunt," she's so quiet. "I don't want to loose Ana, be bad by choosing Alex."_

 _"_ _I am so happy that you're going with your Aunt, she's your family and I want you to have your family. I love you Bug, you won't loose me," I smile._

 _I excuse myself and go to Christian's office for a moment. No one needs to see the tears, see the pain that I feel is tearing through me and making me numb. I feel empty, crave the need to do something stupid so at least at those times I am feeling something. I just want to feel something right now and I can't._

 _"_ _Anastasia?" Christian walks in, assessing me._

 _"_ _I can't go back out there right now Christian, I can't… I just can't," I cry._

 _"_ _Leia needs you right now, needs you to be an adult and to tell her that everything is going to be okay. You running off after telling her it will makes her doubt that. She is still here, she needs you. For one time, just one, I am asking you to not run," He snaps._

 _"_ _I can't!" I sneer._

 _"_ _For the love of God Anastasia, this is not about you and you know that. Do I have to take you over my knee? Punish you? I know if I punish you right now it will just confuse you because you won't understand why I am doing it."_

 _"_ _Fuck you!"_

 _"_ _I can't help you if you don't let me in."_

 _"_ _I'm fine," I spit, storming out of his office and into the powder room to wipe my eyes. I look at my eyes, red and puffy. "Come on Anastasia, just make it through tonight and then go numb. Be there for Love Bug."_

 _I walk right back out and sit at the table, not looking at Christian but am calm… fine._

* * *

 **AN: I hope you all liked the chapter... let me have it...**

 **-Mouse**


	43. Chapter 43

TWO WEEKS LATER

Christian is offering up wedding ideas left, right and center trying to get me to voice an idea or want. I don't know, all of my ideas on weddings come from books and movies and nothing that I can come up with sounds original. We know that we want to be married before my birthday in two months, that much is for sure.

"Can we get married where my parents got married?" I ask, leaning against his shoulder.

"Of course, where did they get married?" He smiles at my decision.

"Chateau Des Joyaux, it's in the Loire Valley. We'd have enough room to have your family there and it's beautiful. We had a house not far from it before I sold it," I remember. "It can sleep fifty people I think and looks like a castle from a fairytale."

"I'll get it booked now, a month from right now."

"A month? Seriously?"

"You just need to get a dress, pick out the bridesmaid dresses and colours," He nods, emailing Andrea and Taylor to set up the venue and accommodations. "Everything will be done there by the people we can hire. You don't need to worry."

"And nothing will get out to the press, right?"

"We won't announce the wedding till we are off on our honeymoon and can't be bothered."

I get up off his lap and head to the back deck, we have been staying at my place most of the time. Both of us love the space, the location, and I don't feel guilty with the dogs because they have space to run free. I love my place it, I bought it specifically thinking of my future and how one day I could have kids.

I climb up into the glass roof treehouse and lay on the bed, it's been really warm today and tonight there will be clear skies. It's going to be beautiful, I just hope Christian doesn't panic looking for me since my phone is in the kitchen. I move to the balcony and watch the world fade to night and Seattle start to glow.

"You okay?" Christian asks when he finds me.

"Yeah, I'm good. I'm talking to Lucy daily and work is helping a lot. I'm sorry for being so up and down lately," I move to his lap. "I love you."

"I love you too, and everything will be booked by the morning so you need to start thinking about wedding dresses."

"Mrs Kavanaugh said she would design something for me, but a month is a short time. I trust her judgement though," I smile, imagining our wedding now. "As for colours I want grey for sure, and then three others but you can help."

"A light pink," He kisses and nibbles my ear. "Just like your blush."

"Pistachio green, just because it is a pretty colour."

"Okay, and a nude colour."

I giggle and squirm in his lap, awakening his member. We move to the bed, closing the balcony doors and strip from our confining clothes. He kisses his way down my body and to my core, using his tongue and fingers in ways that should be illegal. My body is bowing, squirming on its own and is completely out of my control. I grip his hair, holding him to me as his tongue thrusts into me. I want him, his very large erection, in me but he always makes me beg.

"Don't cum, Anastasia," He says.

"Please, please for the love of God just… please," I whimper.

"Are you begging?" He smirks.

"Yes Sir, please. Please sir, just fuck me and let me cum," I shout.

"Have you been a good girl?"

"Yes Sir, a very good girl… today."

He moves and sits, spanking me eight times for the smart remark. I am bent over the bed as he fucks me from behind hard until we're both thrown into ecstasy. We're splayed out on the mattress, pulling covers over us as the stars appear. We're just far enough out of the city to see the stars dance around the galaxy. We've been sleeping out here most nights the past couple weeks, under the stars or rain. Sleeping here when it's raining feels magical, the rain makes its own music along the pains of glass.

"You're thinking loud," He mumbles into the pillow.

"I'm thinking quiet," I giggle.

I cuddle into his side and try to sleep, but I like just laying and enjoying whatever the sky has to show me that night. It doesn't get dark enough in here, but if I have to go to the bathroom in the night Christian comes and he carries me all the way back to the house. I've also woken him up because I've seen a spider and he thinks it's funny.

At the office Christian goes to his office and I go to mine even though we're neighbours on his floor, our floor, whatever. I am working on a lot of logos to tie in the style of the new GEH logo to all of the companies that work under them. I know that when my computer pings it is just Christian requesting me either for a quickie or a meeting, however it is rarely the latter. When I ignore the messages and the two times he calls me he appears in the doorframe, watching my madness unfold.

"How did you get paint on the back of your head?" He asks.

"I do?"

I reach around to touch the back of my head, under my ponytail and in my ponytail. I didn't think I had touched my head while doing this, but then he starts to laugh.

"Now you do," He chuckles, I pout. "You look adorable, Blue."

"Ass."

He comes over and kisses the top of my head, looking over all the different logo's I have come up with this morning. Looking at the time I realize it's lunch which is probably why he's here. He always eats lunch with me or drags me to a lunch meeting to make sure that I eat lunch and don't forget like I almost did.

"Taylor's bringing up Italian, seeing as you have been ignoring me for the last forty minutes. You've been busy," He nods at the art.

"I got distracted," I shrug. "I also think we need to contact Alex soon to make sure that Leia can be there for the wedding because we made a promise."

"I've already emailed them, and I will talk to you as soon as I know. So, lunch in my office or here in yours?"

We have lunch and three rounds of sex before we head home from work, to Escala tonight because we're having dinner with his family to talk wedding. I have Kate as my maid-of-honour/bridesmaid and Elliot is the best-man/groomsman. We decided on just one each so that most of our family can just sit back and enjoy. I don't want a big wedding party, just small and intimate like how our wedding is going to be. Before we leave for Bellevue I call Leia quick, we call every night at bedtime for her, it's complicated with the three hour time difference and her schedule.

"I'm going to be in your wedding!" She jumps up and down on FaceTime. "Do I get to wear a pretty dress?"

"Yes you do," I giggle. "I have it picked out and Alex is going to take you to the bridal shop this weekend to make sure you get it in the right size."

"I'm excited, Bay explained everything I have to do for it and we're going to practice for it to be right." Bay's her older sister now, but also her cousin. To her it's her sister. "Is there going to be a big cake?"

"Well, not too big since there won't be a lot of people but there will be cake."

"Are you excited or scared?"

Christian laughs at her question, hearing her from wherever he is in the apartment. I smile and shake my head at her and see Alex in the background trying not to laugh.

"I'm excited, and we're getting married where my mother and father did," I smile whenever I think of it. "It will be amazing."

"Are you going on a honeymoon? Bay says you tango a lot with the horizon on the honeymoon, but Rick says that you do taxes."

"We will go on a honeymoon, I think we'll just be tourists though wherever we go."

"Okay. I miss you, and I made you something in art class and I am taking dance class and piano class in the fall when school starts."

"That's exciting. What else is new today?"

"Alex and Bay took me to the statute of liberty."

"Statue, not statute," Bay corrects from the background. "Hi Ana, can't wait to see you get married. Tip, heels are pretty but not always necessary."

"Thanks. I'll remember that."

"How many days till the wedding?" Leia asks.

"It's on August fourth and it is July third, so how many days is that?"

"Um, thirty two?"

"Thirty one, you were very close. We have to get going out to Bellevue now, but we will talk to you tomorrow. Sleep well Love Bug."

I blow a kiss at the camera and she blows one back before I hang up and go to meet Christian at the elevator to drive out to his parents. Taylor is driving us in case Christian drinks and I don't like to drive his cars at night. We're barely out of the garage and on the street when I turn to look at Christian, hoping we can talk.

"What is it Anastasia?" He asks.

"Would you ever want kids… I mean have you thought about kids… no, I mean would you want kids with me?" I stumble through my words.

"Of course I want kids with you Anastasia, but later on when your body, mind and heart can handle it. I know you wouldn't be able to right now," He cups my face. "You need to be ready, till then I'm fine with it just being us. We need to grow still."

"You mean I need to grow up still," I roll my eyes.

"Ana," He sighs. "I'm not appreciating the attitude. We've had a good day. Why is this so important right now?"

"It doesn't matter."

I pull away from him and look out the window on our way to Bellevue, not wanting to talk to him about this. At least we're not fighting, at least I wouldn't call this fighting. We could be screaming at each other or throwing things, punches. When we arrive at Grey Manor I am dragged up to his old bedroom and made to sit on the bed while he paces back and forth. We didn't even say hello to anyone.

"Why are we talking about children when we're prepping for our wedding?" He asks.

"I just feel like I am relying on you too much again, like I need you to breathe and my anxiety rockets when you're not around. I jus keep thinking how easy it was to deal with my own head when I had Leia to focus on and worry about."

"You feel like you're slipping?"

"I know I'm not, I just don't like feeling so dependant on you to sooth me when I do great out," I huff. "I don't think I'm explaining this right."

"You're not but I understand. We'll talk more about this later, I promise. We will have kids but I think it should be later," He kisses my temple and takes my hand to lead me downstairs. "Let's just focus on the wedding tonight. I was thinking we could all go out on the Tuesday, stay till the following Monday with the wedding on the Saturday, and then when everyone else goes home we go on our honeymoon."

"Are you going to tell me where?" I give him my best pout.

"I don't think I will, it's going to be a surprise Blue."

* * *

 **AN: Wedding is Coming...**

 **Please review and comment.**

 **-Mouse**


	44. Chapter 44

**Important AN:**

 **I am wondering how you all are enjoying the story. Do you like? Have any comments or criticisms, let me know. I have five people who review every chapter and those five make me so happy and want to do this. I love to write, to know people are enjoying what I write and am hoping that you all can let me know because right now I am unsure because my fav five are the ones who answer and I know they do because they wonderfully get back to me every time. I thank them, very much. Please consider this. Thank you.**

 **-Mouse**

* * *

"A month? You expect us to plan a wedding in a month?" Mia gasps.

"You're not planning it, everything is planned there once we give them everything. It's our day Mia, not yours," Christian scolds.

Everyone stopped eating when Christian announced the date of the wedding and the location of the wedding. They are worried about the amount of guests they can invite and the wedding party, still picturing a large wedding with three hundred guests. I just want the people who have been there for us and with us through all this. His family, Kate's family, Taylor and Gail, Ros and Gwen, Leia and her family, and I want Lucy since she is like a friend. It's not a lot of people, that's alright because we don't need as many as they want. I don't even know as many people as Grace and Mia want to invite. Maybe I should just forego all of my ideas and wants and hand the reigns over to Grace and Mia, this wedding seems way more about them. They would have the dream wedding for Christian and myself, and maybe it's what's right. I don't have any family coming, it's all his so they should enjoy it.

"Did you even consider our work schedules before jumping in and booking all of this first?" Carrick grimaces.

I get up from the table and walk away, I don't want to hear about all of the horrible things they will say about me. I don't want to hear how stupid my ideas are or how crunched everything is, I heard them and I think they're right. It's just that Christian said it was good, that it was all going to be okay and that the wedding was for us. It doesn't feel like this wedding is for us, that it is supposed to be ours.

I don't run, don't go far just into the library they have here and get comfortable in the window bench. I watch Taylor pass by on his rounds, we wave and acknowledge each other before he continues on. Kate finds me and sits with me in the library.

"My mom has a dress sketched up and in the works for you already, I can't wait to see you try it on for the first time," She smiles. "Do you have any ideas on shoes? My mom says you'll need a heel."

"I haven't thought about shoes, and I can't wait to see the dress," I force a smile.

"Ignore them, I'm just excited to see you happy. Although, I do want you to know that if your ceremony is in french I won't understand any of it."

"It will be in english, but I was thinking we could do our vows in french. It would feel more just between us."

"That's romantic. Do you have anything else planned, other than date and location?"

"Leia's dress, colour scheme, we've talked about cakes, but nothing more."

"Any idea what my dress might look like?"

"I have ideas, but I'd like your input when things mellow out."

"Of course, and it will be your day."

We end up talking about France and all of the places I've been there, lived, and what I remember. I know she is joking when she asks about the cute french boys so I tell her, but I trust her to not do anything stupid with that information. She loves Elliot too much to cheat on him, I know that about her and I would never doubt her. I just wish I could be over with Christian instead of hiding in his parent's house.

"I'll change everything to make Grace and Mia happy," I sigh.

"You won't because they're being ridiculous. When Mia goes to get married they can have it over the top. Okay? Stop thinking you'll change it for them because I won't let you."

"We're getting married where my parents did, Kate," The happy tears are running down my cheeks. "I'll be standing where my mom did, walking where they walked… they can't be there and I feel like having it there will be like they are."

"That's amazing, I didn't know they got married in France."

"I have one picture from it, I don't know where the others were kept. It looks like a fairytale, and while I've never cared much about my wedding a fairytale would be awesome when I feel like I've been living a tragedy."

"But don't all fairytales start as tragedies?"

I shrug, tired from this long day, I am ready to crawl into bed and fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. Ready to be cocooned by warmth and safety. I am also still hungry since we had barely started dinner before shit hit the fan. Christian comes in and we head home, Elliot and Kate leave at the same time as us. We stop at McDonald's before reaching Escala so that we have food, even though Christian hates fast food. He thinks that food can be fast and still healthy, I say if he wants that he has the means to start his own chain. He says that it's not the franchise he ever wants to get into, he's too food obsessed in a very different way then I am.

While he runs the bath I sit on the counter and swing my legs back and forth, watching him fill the tub with steaming water. He assures me that our wedding is staying how we want it, that his family has been given an ultimatum. Then he goes back to prepping towels for after. I've fallen in love with the LUSH bath bombs so he tosses one in when the tub is filled. He strips me from the clothes then strips himself before stepping into the tub, helping me in. We lay there, my back and head resting on his chest and shoulder.

"So, how many kids are you thinking?" He asks.

"I don't know, but it sucks being the only child. More than one," I blush.

"Can we make a deal about no girls? Especially if they look like you. They'll never be allowed out till they're thirty."

"No, I want girls and you're not allowed to double standard the children. It's not fair."

"Fine, but then you're in charge. I can't handle the thought of having daughters during the teen and college years."

"You think about it?" I turn to look at him. "Like you picture it?"

"Sometimes, I imagine little you's."

"If there little me's then we're all screwed."

I grind my core onto his growing erection, slipping my hand in-between us to stroke him and slide onto him. I love this connection, it's the safest and makes me feel so close to him. I hold onto his neck and gently rock, it's nice gentle but I prefer when he's rough and manhandling me. It feels safe when he does, right, and the orgasms are mind-blowing.

"Fuck Christian, harder, please," I bite into his shoulder.

"We need this slow," He hums. "It's okay baby, just relax and feel it."

"Christian."

He's meeting every thrust, slow and sensual. We rarely do slow and sensual, more of it is either kinky or hot and passionate. We need this connection multiple times a day, it gives us life and helps us thrive. He's by far more relaxed the more orgasms he gets in a day. It's why I shall hold important thoughts for right after he has cum and is freshly sated.

"How would you feel if I got a tattoo?" I nibble on his ear.

"You should never mar your perfect skin, Anastasia. Nice try, but we've had this discussion before," He toys with my nipples.

"It's just one," I pout.

"That would cover half of your back. No."

"You wouldn't love me anymore. Would you?" The dread ever present.

"I will love you always, it's just that I think tattoo's are unnecessary and you are beautiful just as you are." His erection has grown hard inside me again, he thrusts up. "I love your skin, so clear and smooth." He runs his hands along my side. "My beautiful girl."

He thrusts as hard and fast as he can into me while in the tub of water, both of us exploding quick into euphoria. Sex is one of the best highs that you can get. It makes me question why I couldn't just get addicted to sex instead of booze, drugs or food. If only someone could have granted me these answers sooner. I really want to get back in the playroom, every session in there sates me for a long time.

"Time to get out, we're getting pruney," Christian lifts me out of the tub.

I'm placed in bed with the covers drawn over us, Christian doesn't stay long. He disappears into the apartment to do something that probably includes me but he's keeping me out of it. I'm to tired to argue over that, sleep is much needed right now. We'll talk about it in the morning, when I'm more alive.

Thankfully I wake before him, Gail is making french toast in the kitchen so I go into my studio and just paint. It's just frustrating when he does things behind my back, and it's hypocritical for me to think that but I can't help it. Christian can make large decisions, make anything happen, and that scares the shit out of me because he can have anything done to me and no one would questions it.

"Ana, breakfast is ready," Gail comes into the studio and looks what I'm working on. "I am going to guess you're venting."

"Yeah, that easy?" I giggle, following her out.

"Yeah, little bit."

"Am I right in assuming that Christian was monopolizing Taylor last night?"

"Yes, but while you're assuming the worst it is something good."

"For sure?"

"Yes."

I nod and tuck into the delicious breakfast she is offering. While she sits with me I tell her that when we go to France for the wedding she can't work because she is a guest and the castle we're staying at comes with chefs and cleaners, she is just supposed to enjoy herself and the time there. It will be exciting, I'm excited. I love France, the country, the food and the people. Gail is excited since she had not been before.

When Christian comes out of the bedroom he is rolling out one of the monster suitcases we have and is dressed comfortably, not dressed for the office and it's Thursday. He says nothing, just comes to the breakfast bar and starts on his breakfast.

"What's happening?" I almost whimper.

"We're going on a trip, I laid out some clothes for you," He nods towards the bedroom.

"A… a trip? Christian we have work."

He looks at me, raises his brow and I scurry off to change into the running capris and tank top that he has laid out, pulling on a sweater for now. I put on my black Adidas trainers to match and go back out to him and pout, hoping he will explain things. I get a kiss then carried out down to the awaiting car with Taylor and Sawyer already placed in the front seats. When we pull up at Boeing I am really starting to freak out, I don't want to jet off somewhere as a _surprise_ again. I am not a huge fan of the pop up trip when I am not taken into consideration.

"Will you tell me, because if you don't I am not getting out of this car," I state.

"I am meeting with a media company I am thinking of taking over, they specialize in a fuck tonne but I was thinking you can see if there is anyone there who could work under you from it. It's pretty much a done deal," He says.

"So this is work? Strictly work?"

"Yes, Ros is on the jet too. Relax."

"I'd relax more if you'd just explain things to me. It seems like a pretty logical compromise to all of it."

"Clever as ever, Miss Steele," He smirks

I laugh, I can't help but laugh at his little rhyme and the smirk that graces his face. It's not as funny as it should be but it is rather adorable for him. God, I love him.

* * *

 **AN: Here's a hint as to where, what, who, and all that fun stuff that is coming-**

 **1\. Ros is not on the plane**

 **2\. It is not work oriented**

 **3\. There will be tears**

 **Let me hear what you think is going to happen to our lovely couple, let me just remind you that Ana had a list and Christian does know it. He loves her, just think about the list, these hints, and all will come to a somewhat happy end.**

 **-Mouse**


	45. Chapter 45

**AN: Thank you for all who have reviewed after my rant last chapter. I really feel like you guys are enjoying this, that you want me to continue on and that is important to me.**

 **Special** **Note: Every person, every situation, everything is brought up for a reason. Even if they are mentioned in the beginning and seem minor then. Somethings are going to start changing soon, people from the past will return. I would love to see what you have to say about what is coming and who may be coming.**

* * *

We stand outside of the SUV while Taylor goes on and does whatever he does on planes and then comes out to talk to Sawyer who stood guard by us. Staff here take the one suitcase from the back and put in the belly of the plane, in cargo or whatever.

"You can fly a helicopter," I state.

"I can, and a glider," He smiles proud.

"Have you ever thought about flying a plane?" I ask.

"Not really, I like what I do and I prefer to be the passenger."

I nod, being a passenger is really fun on flights since you don't have to do anything and if there ever is an emergency there is always someone around to guide you through what to do. I am happy that Kate and Elliot have my dogs, that they'll have a yard and space while we're gone instead of being cooped up at Escala. Elliot is also a great playmate for them, and their trainer has agreed to take them for the time we're in France and on the honeymoon.

"We're running late Sir," Taylor announces. "When you get on, sit down, buckle up and we will taxi out to the runway."

We go up the stairs with Taylor in front, Christian, myself and then Sawyer right behind me. I pretty much shoved into a seat and Christian does up my buckle, he antsy in a lying kind of way. Like when you figure out the kid who took the last cookie or something and they lie, fuck, what if I am the last cookie and he's jetting off somewhere not work related. That sneaky, lying SOB. So not getting sex on this flight, or tonight, even though that is kind of like punishing myself at the same time. The ass stole all my vibrators when he found them while snooping through my closet before his birthday.

"Where are we going?" I ask, we're levelling out enough to get up and move around.

"To a meeting, I told you," He avoids looking at me.

"You also said Ros was here and she isn't. What the fuck, Christian?"

"It's a surprise, a big one and you need to just let it happen because I made a promise that I intend on keeping. Breathe."

"I will breathe, but I want to know."

"I know, and it's adorable," He chuckles and lowers his voice. "By the way we will be gone for a week."

"A week!" I squeak.

I storm to the back of the jet where he has a bedroom so I can lay down, possible nap for the rest of the flight or watch a movie on the TV. I opt to put on _Full House_ and lay back on the bed, not knowing how long this flight is supposed to be I figure put something both short and long at the same time. Christian comes and joins me for a cuddle and to watch a show he hasn't seen before, but he's older and I feel like you can't live until you've experience _Full House_.

"We need to prep to land," Christian whispers into my ear, waking me.

I stumble to our seats and plop down, I've slept too much today and now I just feel tired. I hate when I do that, it just keeps me down all the time and if I get a migraine from it I'll just be a crank. Not the person I need to be when Christian is just trying to be kind.

He's always so kind, maybe it really is time for Lucy and I to talk medications. I need to be perfect for Christian if I am supposed to be his fiancé and then soon wife. I am to be perfect, to care and to tend to him and not be so wrapped up in these stupid emotions like I am almost always. He deserves more, I need to be more for him and I can. I will. If that means medications then I will go one medications. Simple as all that. Simple. Terrifying. Possibly needed. I can, will, be the best and as normal as possible for Christian.

Taylor and Sawyer leave the plane for a couple minutes while I rest my head on Christian's shoulder. I have no idea what time it is or how long we've been flying. Hopefully this is our destination, not just a refill.

"The welcoming party is here," Sawyer announces.

We get up and head for the door, immediately blinded by the sun. That will be an entertaining picture for paparazzi that may be stalking us wherever we are. I get to the bottom and look for a moment, my heart stopping and dropping into my stomach. Everything stops, freezes, as I crumble to my knees and cover my mouth while the tears start.

"Ana!" Leia squeals and charges me.

I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight, lean back to look back at both her and Christian who seem to be hiding something more.

"Did you tell her the surprise?" Leia asks him.

"Nope lips are sealed. I promised," He zips his lips and walks away

"Good, Bay and Rick are at the hotel already. I'm excited!"

"Wait, I thought seeing you was my surprise," I say.

"Nope!" She pops the p.

I get off the ground and go over to the waiting SUV's where Alex and Christian are whispering amongst each other. I can't believe how bright and light it is. I go with Leia in one and Christian goes with Alex in the other SUV, each with two security men driving.

"He didn't tell you that you would flying to LA did he?" She scrunches her face.

"No wonder it's so bright!" I groan. "He could have warned me about that, it was gloomy in Seattle this morning."

"He made a promise, he wasn't allowed to tell you."

"Oh, and I am right to assume you won't tell me either?"

"No, but you'll find out at lunch."

I get the full run down of their flight out here last night, how they got to fly first class and that the seat she sat in could hold three of her if she wanted. That if they asked for anything on the plane it was free, and that she drank the most orange juice she ever had before. She laughed through her story of how Rick fell asleep and snorted in front of everyone in his sleep, apparently is was funny because it embarrassed Bay and Alex. God knows why that is funny to a seven year old, but it is.

"Where are we staying Sawyer?" I ask.

"The _Montage Beverly Hills_ ma'am," He answers. "We're going downtown now though for a late lunch."

Right, lunch… it could be good here. In a place where I have not researched the menu or know anything about how they cook, what they cook with, or the calories that are in each of the different meals. When we get to the restaurant we are immediately seated with the rest of our group, all talking about something until we walk up. Smooth guys.

"We already ordered, just waiting now," Christian says.

"Alright, do I get to know what's happening now?" I plead.

"After lunch," Bay smirks.

"Seriously?" I gape. "You know too? Does everyone know except me?"

"Everyone at the table, yes. No one else knows though," Taylor assures me.

I tuck in to the grilled salmon salad that Christian had ordered me, it's not too heavy and the vinaigrette it comes with is delicious. It takes me longer to eat than everyone else but I eat everything that was ordered from me, as does Leia.

After lunch we all travel to a music, recording, type studio where we shouldn't just walk in and explore. I go with Alex and Christian down a hall of offices till we reach the only open door. A man not much older than Christian rises from behind the desk, coming towards us.

"Christian, long time no see," He greets. "And you must be Anastasia, I'm Patrick and I am excited to hear the talents that Christian brags about."

"I'm sorry, but I still have no idea why I'm here," I shake his hand.

"You're here to play piano," Christian answers, _finally._

"I hear that you have some individual compositions that are incredible, Christian and Alexandra reached out to me and I'm hear to listen."

"Okay, but why?"

"Cause I want to help, can you please play for me?"

I roll my eyes and sit at the baby grand that is in his office, Christian hands me my collection of works that were in his briefcase. I don't need the pieces of papers with the back and white notes, I just need to pick one to play. Settling on the one I just composed for Christian's birthday, I take a few breaths before Leia runs in and sits on the floor beside me.

I watch Christian as I play, as I feel the song and the music as it drifts out and over me. I can't believe where I am and what I am feeling. I have no clue who this Patrick guy is but if he is a professional his feedback could be amazing. It's a seven minute piece, my longest and by far my favourite. It expels all the jumbled up emotions in my head and creates this cohesive form that I never though was possible before now. It's like everything works, like I work. This piece is about me and Christian, how we both have are issues but work, how everything could be compromised and fixed. It emphasizes how we live well apart but we survive together.

"Woah," Alex exhales once I finish. "I've heard how amazing you are, but woah."

"So? Can she do it?" Leia is bouncing where she sits.

"Yes, if she's alright with it?" Patrick looks at me.

Everyone is looking at me, waiting for me to answer but I still have no idea as to what I am agreeing to or are going to be alright with. If someone would explain to me what the fuck was going on, the whole decision making thing would be a hell of a lot easier.

"How would you feel about deepening your compositions over the next week with me, adding some strings to the background?" Patricks explains.

"I guess so, but why?" I keep my eyes on my tense fiancé.

"I am working on a project, bringing in up and coming composers and adding to their original pieces. It's a series I am working on, we work together for a week and then you perform with an orchestra and come out with a recording. In the past my artists have been scouted for film companies to word on the scores," Patrick explains.

"Perform with an orchestra?"

"Yeah, at Disney Hall!" Leia exclaims.

I look at her, processing the words that are truly simple but seem so confusing, I mean the kid is seven and there is no way in hell I am good enough to perform at the _Disney Hall_. I can't perform there, that's too much. Holy Shit! He still remembers the fucking list, the one I crumpled up and tossed away.

"The list," I breathe.

"Yes," Christian smiles and nods.

"Why?"

"Because I plan on giving you the world."

"I get to play at Disney Hall?" I ask.

"You get to play Disney Hall," Patrick nods. "Next Saturday. Anyone you want to be there we can save seats, we start promotions tomorrow and we can start working together too. Your hotel room has a baby grand, I will be over at nine in the morning."

"Of course, thank you. How many are we working?"

"As many as you'll let me. We'll be working hard the first three days before we come back here, introduce the music to the orchestra, then Friday we will practice in at the Hall and Saturday will be the big day. You ready for this?"

"I don't know, this… all of this does not feel real."

"But it was a good surprise?" Leia looks at me with her puppy eyes.

"The best," I pull her to my lap and hug her. "Thank you, for all of this."

"Anything, for Christian. He is the only one would would score higher than me at piano recitals but never took music as seriously as business," Patrick teases.

I am so excited for this, all of this. Even if it means playing so much every day for the next week my fingers fall off,. Even if that happens I will keep playing and practicing like my life depends on it. This coming Saturday, not tomorrow but the next one, will be the third most important day of my life. The second was when I met Christian, when he came into my life. The most important day of my life will be my wedding day.

* * *

 **AN: No one guessed this from the list, but a lot of you thought that she may be visiting Leia. I figured for a huge event like this Leia should be a part of it. Plus I have it so that she was helping Christian plan this from before.**

 **Review, Follow, Favourite, and PM me.**

 **Goodnight my Lovely's.**

 **-Mouse**


	46. Chapter 46

It's Wednesday, and we're going into the studio to work with a full orchestra which I have never done before. Bay and Leia have become my own documentary crew with _Canon_ camera's running around filming every day, all day since Saturday. Bay says she is vlogging my life and we will put it up on YouTube, if that makes them happy and keeps them occupied I am alright with that. To each his own, and all that fun stuff.

There are ninety musicians in the grand studio, ready to get their music and practice their hearts out like we have been for a while. I guess they are professional musicians, this is what they do to make money whereas I have always just done it for fun and because I wanted to.

I leave Patrick to hand out the music and explain whatever he has to explain to them, seeing as I have never played anything else I don't know what they do so it should be safe. I yank Leia onto my lap and let her hands rest on mine as I play with her pretending to, she laughs and squeals as my fingers lightly dance along the keys. She is always so happy and excited when we do this with her. This past week, without Patrick, I have been working on a piece for my Love Bug. Something special that will always be hers.

I fade into the her song, the joy, hope and lightness is strong. It's just playful and makes you think of this crazy seven year old when you hear it. To embody youth in something so simple and pleasurable is something I can do and have done. No one has heard this one till now, Leia's eyes are transfixed on my hands and she is silent as she listens to the music. The whole room has fallen silent while I play her song. When I finish I wrap my arms around her and hold her to me, waiting for her to make some comment on it.

"I've never heard that one before," She sounds confused.

"I know, it was a surprise," I smile, kissing the top of her head. "It's your song."

"Mine?"

"All yours, do you like it?"

"I love it! Can you teach me to play it?"

"Of course."

I play five notes with my right hand, an octave higher so she can play the real one, and she copies right after me. Back and forth with the first little bit, taking up time since there is nothing else to do. I sit back and watch her play the first page slowly with her right hand, every time she finishes without a mistake she looks up at me with a huge grin on her face. Seeing her happy is the best thing in the world, I hope that when Christian and I have kids of our own I can make them as happy as Leia is right now.

"What was that one?" Patrick asks, coming over to me.

"Just something for my Bug," I smile.

"Not willing to work it?"  
"No, it's just for her."

"Okay, well let's start work for today," He claps his hands together. I scoot Leia off my lap and look at him. "Ana will always start, I will watch her and everyone will watch me. Just like everyone here Ana and I are hearing the complete orchestral pieces for the first time today. This is also Ana's first time working with a group, but aside from that we will all need to be patient and work as a team the next few days. We are on a deadline, if you don't think this will work for you then tell me now and I will find someone to replace you."

No one says anything so he looks to me, I turn back to the keys and start on the first piece of nine that we have completed and incredible if I do say so myself. I watch Patrick though, make sure that I am starting at the right time for everything and everyone. It's kind of intimidating having a huge group of people listening and playing my own composition for the first time.

I can't believe this is actually happening. Me, little Anastasia Steele who isn't worth more than dirt is playing at Disney Hall because people actually care and love me. I am sitting in a recording studio in Los Angeles preparing for a show at one of the most renowned concert halls in the world. I came from nothing, am nothing, and yet this isn't just something it is everything. Sure working with Patrick this kind of felt real, but now we have the orchestra and the music and are practicing and recording and it's something that has life. When we play at Disney Hall on Saturday, it's going to be like I've died and gone to heaven.

I can't help but wonder if my parents would be proud of me, that they would be okay with who I am today. I know Christian is proud of me, he tells me at least three times a day. I know that Leia is proud and looks up to me because it's in her eyes when she looks at me. They are two of the most important people on the planet to me. Kate, she's just like Christian, making sure that I am okay and that I know that she is proud of me. It's just that my parents are my parents, they may have sucked but they got me far enough. If things had been differently, if they were alive, I wonder if they would be happy or proud I was into the creative arts and music. I want them to be happy, to not be disappointed. I don't think I could handle the disappointment, to let them down when I feel as though I have let the world down.

Everyone who is invited to the wedding is also invited to the concert, it made sense to me since they are really the only people that I know and consider close family or friends. Kate is dropping the dogs off and everyone comes down on Friday, and I can't wait for everyone to come down. Mostly since I need Kate and Mia to help me figure out what to wear for the concert since it has to be formal. I've never really played the piano in a dress before, so I think that alone will be interesting.

Thursday night I sent Alex and Rick out on date night since they've not gone out alone since we've all been here. Bay is grilling Christian on his work and how to become rich and powerful like he is, she's still young but incredibly smart when it comes to economics, law and business. We're all in our suite, Leia's down for the count in our bed while I go over my songs without hitting the notes.

"No!" Leia wails. "I'm sorry!"

I bolt into the bedroom to see her thrashing, it almost looks like she is having a seizure, and is one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen. I wake her and hold her on my lap, rocking her and trying to calm her from whatever hell she was just trapped in. Bay and Christian are there, worried, but don't say anything.

I carry her to the piano, holding her in my lap and ready to play some of the songs that I know she loves and are a bit like a lullaby. I play and sing Taylor Swift's _Never Grow Up_ and _Innocent_. She's calm enough to partially fall asleep in my arms but I don't put her back to bed, opting to lay her on the couch and keep her close to us. I do some GEH work on the couch across from her in my sketchbook to work out some more possibilities and maybe even some ad campaigns to grow the charity work that we do. We're also working on some new scholarships and they've been placed under my wing to grow and create, and once we have applicants it will be my job to choose finalists and then the winners with Christian and Ros.

"Ana?" Leia looks up at me.

"Yes, Love Bug?" I move to crouch by her head.

"Is it okay to sometimes miss my mom and dad?" She asks.

"Of course it is, I still miss mine," I move the hair from her face. "But just because they're not here like I am they're always in your heart and memories. Remember?"

"But it's so hard to remember them."

"I know, but they're still a part of you."

"Would they be mad if I called Alex and Rick, Mom and Dad?"

"Do you want to call Alex and Rick that?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to make anyone mad."

"Honey, if it feels right then you can. Nothing will change who your parents are, but Alex and Rick are your mom and dad in a way now. Your parents just want you happy."

"You promise?"

"I promise. You okay to get some sleep now?"

She nods, "But can I sleep in my bed?"

I agree and tell Christian where we're going, literally across the hall from our room to the one joined with Alex and Ricks where the girls share. I think Christian bought out the whole floor of this hotel for us and when his family flies down tomorrow. I tuck her in and lay down with her till Alex and Rick come back, making me feel alright enough to leave her be.

Bay and Mia could be fantastic friends, Kate and I were ready to leave the shops an hour ago but those two are still going. It would be fine, Kate and I are adults who can suck it up but Leia is tired, hungry and whiney. She does not want to walk the streets of Beverly Hills anymore and I don't blame the kid. We all have our clothes for tomorrow, I spent most of the day at Disney Hall, and it is nearing dinner time. There is no need for us to still be here, we could be getting ready for dinner. I could be with Christian relaxing for a few short minutes before running off to the restaurant, at this rate we rill be racing from here to the restaurant.

"Mia, seriously, it's time to go," Kate groans.

"One more store!" Mia holds up one finger, diving into Coach.

"She said one more store eight stores ago," Leia whines.

I leave Kate and Leia with Sawyer on the street while I go in after Mia and Bay who seem to be having the time of their lives in here. I never understood shopping, still don't. If I can just order everything online I would be so happy with that, life would be easier.

"We're leaving," I say.

"What?" Mia whines. "No."

"Yes, Leia and I need to eat at certain times right now. We need to go to the hotel where everyone is waiting and then to the restaurant. Now."

I shoo them out and into the waiting limo that Christian has hired for us all, it's a forty minute drive to the hotel in this traffic. At the hotel we have enough time to change into different clothes for dinner and run back to the limo's. Tomorrow I perform at the concert hall, tomorrow I have the opportunity to make a name for myself in music.

"Are you excited Ana?" Mrs Kavanaugh asks at dinner.

"There are no words," I smile.

Tonight's the night. I have spent all day at the Hall, going over everything. Christian has been here every minute, making sure I am eating and drinking enough leading up to the concert. After we are having an afterparty at some rooftop club that Christian has hired for the musicians and their families tonight.

Patrick introduces the orchestra, himself, what he is doing and then me. Thankfully with the stage lights we can't really see out into the audience and notice all of the people who are there watching me. I pretend that it's just Christian, just my family and that I am doing this for them. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for any of them and I am so grateful for that.

By the end I am crying, thankful that Kate made me wear waterproof makeup, I have enough time to wipe the tears and possible panda eyes before taking my bow. The lights come up in the audience so we can see them as easy as they see us. I'm not far from a panic attack when I find Christian's eyes, and I stay focused on them until I can run backstage.

Fucking Hell, I just played Disney Hall. I played my songs, my original compositions in front of a sold out audience. I played at the music venue I used to dream of as a child. Woah.

* * *

 **AN: Hey, I didn't want to focus a lot on this when some people mentioned earlier are coming back and more of the list will come to light. Keep guessing, let me know what you think will happen, those close to who and what I'll answer.**

 **Schedule Change Starting Next Monday September 19, 2016** **Due to my university schedule I will be uploading only 5 days a week:**

 **THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY, SUNDAY, MONDAY. Some days will have single uploads, others will have double. I will still upload once a day until then. I am sorry about this, but this is the only way I can.**

 **Review, Comment, Follow, Message.**

 **Have a goodnight, good day, good week.**

 **-Mouse**


	47. Chapter 47

**AN: As I am guessing you all are, Fifty Shades Darker Trailer tomorrow! It is my favourite book of the trilogy so I have high hopes.**

* * *

At least the club was nice enough to make an exception with Bay and Leia to let them into the party tonight, seeing as Christian bought half the place out. However I think Bay thought it was a brilliant idea to give her an energy drink because Leia is bouncing off the walls and it is nine at night, as frustrated as Alex and Rick are they are entertaining.

"Ana!" I hear my name called.

Standing with Kate we're both looking around for the owner of the voice, it is so familiar and clearly is familiar to the both of us. She pulls us away from the people we were talking to and head towards the voice.

"Jose! Jack!" I smile and side hug both of them. "What are you both doing here?"

"We cover music and entertainment for People, we're covering all of Patrick's up and comer's," Jack explains. "Since when could you play piano?"

"More importantly, what happened to the engineering degrees you were both getting? I don't recall either of you into Journalism," Kate teases.

"Well, we're here now. Living here where the sun always shines, while you guys are stuck where the sun always hides," Jose laughs.

"I can't believe you're both here," I can't get rid of the grin. "Be honest, did you like it?"

"It was incredible Ana, but you won't get to read what we said for a while," Jack answers. "Well, what I said and Jose's photos."

"So what you're saying is that all those times you bitched about me tutoring you in English, it got you hired."

Familiar arms wrap around my waist and pull me flush to his body, a whole foot away from Jack and Jose. Christian possessively kisses the top of my head and doesn't let me close to them without him again. I quickly say bye and go with Christian to Patrick who is talking to some other people I don't know. Turns out they work for Disney and another works for Warner Brothers, both wanting to buy rights to use certain songs and what not. Thank the heavens Christian and Ros are here because this sounds like business and I am not a business person. I don't want my music to become someone else's, so I tell Christian that and then take off to hang out with Leia and Bay who are pointing out things that they can see on the street below.

"A Domination!" Leia giggles.

"Dalmatian," I correct.

"A spotty dog," She pouts. "I want one."

"Because a dog in a loft in NYC is such a good idea," Bay rolls her eyes.

"Becca has a dog and she lives in an apartment!" Leia argues.

"What did you give her?" I ask Bay.

"A quarter of my Nos and a Mountain Dew."

"Right."

When that all runs out of her system I really hope that we're back at the hotel and we can just toss her in the bed. I'm tired enough, I don't do any of the night life things. I hang away from people come round midnight, sipping on Diet Pepsi.

"I didn't think you and Grey were still together," Jack comes to sit by me.

"We broke up for a while, together now," I smile and watch Christian mingle.

"A little more than together, it's one hell of a rock," He nods towards the ring.

"Well, when you love someone enough you eventually marry them," I tease. "I'm going to see when we're heading back to the hotel, it was good seeing you and Jose."

I get up and leave, ditching my drink to find Christian. Jack is acting weird, more so than normal but then again it is Jack. He has always been the odd duck out with the group of us. At least I will never really have to see him again unless I'm doing something like this again. On the way back to the hotel I tell Taylor about the spine chilling feeling I get around good old Jack Hyde and he promises to keep an eye out for him.

"When do we fly out tomorrow?" I yawn.

"In the afternoon, you can sleep in," Christian kisses my head.

"Yeah, sleep and plan some insane next surprise."

"Exactly," He chuckles.

"No, don't do it," I nuzzle into his chest.

"Wouldn't dare," I feel the lie within that phrase.

He carries me into the hotel and up to bed, allowing me to just relax and sleep. I have no idea how anyone is able to be awake and walking at this time. I feel like I've run eighteen marathons at full speed this past week. I think I'm going to fall sick soon, my throat has been really hurting the past two days. As long as I am not sick on my wedding everything should be okay, but I hate being ill and I've never been poorly when I've had Christian around to ask for help or accept help from.

When I wake up in the morning my throat feels like burning sandpaper and my whole body feels like it is on fire. Please, don't let this be my death because it really feels like it. I feel like my whole body is just poorly and ill. Christian is asleep beside me, somewhat clinging to my body, but his heat is not welcome. I climb out of bed and get a water bottle from the mini fridge out in the lounge, only wearing one of Christian's t-shirts.

I struggle into panties, a bra, white and multi-coloured running capris, a white running tank top, and white trainers before struggling down the hall to Grace and Carrick's room. I accidentally interrupt their breakfast with Mr and Mrs Kavanaugh.

"Ana dear?" Grace answers the door. "What's wrong?"

I follow her to the dining room in their suite, all parents are sitting at the eight person table covered in breakfast food. I sit down in the offered seat and pout, I feel like a little kid but just don't want to let something be ignored if it is important.

"Ana, you look poorly," Mrs Kavanaugh observes.

"My throat is killing me," I croak. "I feel like I'm on fire."

"Oh dear, let's have a look," Grace frowns.

She uses a spoon as a tongue depressor to see my throat, just her hand to check my temperature, and checks my pulse. She doesn't have her normal arsenal of doctors equipment but makes do with what she has here. She gets enough to tell me to lay down on the couch and just rest, that she'll bring me some yogurt and fruit to eat.

Christian comes in panicking, I forgot to leave him a note telling him not to panic and that I was just going to see his parents. Mrs Kavanaugh is sitting at my feet, holding the bowl and trying to get me to eat like a child. It hurts!

"What's going on?" Christian asks.

"Ana has tonsillitis, Christian," Grace answers. "I am just trying to sort out a pharmacy that can prep her antibiotics."

Shit, I can't go on antibiotics and still take my birth control. I got my IUD out when my anorexia got bad enough because they needed to see when my period would possibly normalize, and I've been on the pill. Antibiotics and birth control do not go well together, it cancels it out.

"What about my birth control pill?" I force out.

"Honey, sex should be the last thing on your mind. You need to rest," Mrs Kavanaugh scolds. "When you finish the antibiotics things should go back to normal."

"How long will she need to be on them?" Christian asks.

"Twice a day for ten days, and I am ordering the liquid stuff because I doubt she'll want to take a large pill with a sore throat," Grace answers. "And Ana, you need to make sure to stay hydrated."

"Good thing we're going home today," Mr Kavanaugh chuckles.

I crawl into Christian's lap and let him hold me, I thought this only happened to children. I just want to go to bed, sleep some more but I want my bed or Christian's, especially if Christian is there with me. I think everyone understands this so it's a race to pack up and get to the jet. Alex and them are staying an extra four days to explore Disneyland, it will be brilliant for Leia to experience. We just need to get home, prep for the wedding, get ready for work tomorrow. You know, same old, same old.

I figure when tomorrow when I wake up I can call my OBGYN and ask about how I handle sex since I am on the antibiotics now, and maybe I can get a new IUD instead of going back to the pill. We waited to pick them up when we landed in Seattle, it was too frustrating trying to organize them in LA. We've been back for a couple hours and I am apparently not allowed up and out of bed, Christian is very certain of that.

"Gail is heating up some soup for dinner, I would like if you could have some bread but I understand if it hurts too much," He sits beside me.

"I want to get out of bed, get ready for work in the morning, that type of stuff," I huff.

"You're not going to work in the morning, you need to rest and recover. You have a fever, Anastasia. It's not something to play with, your health will not be taken lightly," He scolds.

"Yes Sir, but who will stop me when you're not here."

"Be careful when you play with fire, Anastasia."

"Or what?"

"You make not be able to fuck but I can still take you across my knee."

"Ooo, promise?" I giggle.

He groans, rolling his eyes as he lays back to cover his eyes. I can't help but smile at this triumphant victory, the only victory I feel that is worth something. What would he give to spank me and fuck me, only Christian.

Gail and Taylor bring in a tray for each of us, promising some non-fat frozen yogurt for dessert. I can't wait for the dessert, I feel like something colder will feel nicer in my throat right now. Not this, not now. I don't want to be sick, I hate this. I hate having people serve me just because of a stupid sore throat. It's not like I have cancer, it's ten days of antibiotics and I'll be all better, like nothing has ever happened.

It's like a staring contest while we eat, drink, whatever our soup. Neither of us dropping contact. It's all in his eyes, his body language, and it is screaming that he wants to jump me. Too bad he hates condoms and I have the antibiotics in my system.

"This isn't fair," he frowns.

"Me winning?" I smirk.

"You wish, what in the world am I going to do you Anastasia?"

I'm scared now, at that realization. Have I really pushed too far? I pushed him too far this time and now he wants this over and done with. It's that simple. I just broke up my engagement by complete accident without even realizing that I was tying to do this. I am such an idiot, I mean out of everything I could have come up with something better. I should have just shut up. _Stupid, stupid girl. Just learn your place, do as a women is supposed to. Be there for the man, do as he says,be what he wants, and don't fuck it up like you just have._

I look down at my ring and move to take it off, give it back so he can find someone worthy of the love and the kindness and the generosity that Christian embodies. He stops me, takes my hands in his.

"That's not what I meant," He sighs and kisses my hands.

"I'm sorry," I look at our connected hands. "I get muddled sometimes."

"I know, but you need to know that I never mean that. I will never stop loving you, all of you. Please don't ever think I don't want you in my life," He cups my face. "I love you Anastasia Rose Steele, forever."

"I love you too," I breathe. "I'm just not, I don't know… When I think about it, about us… I just don't feel like…"

"Hush now," He coos. "Don't think that. Just know that we're right, and that I love you."

* * *

 **********IMPORTANT IN RELATION TO FUTURE CHAPTRES**********

 **After the honeymoon something darkis going to happen to Ana because of Jack.**

 **As the READERS I truly think I NEED TO KNOW if I can have a couple chapters of dark matter (i.e. physical, sexual, mental violence). REVEIW OR PRIVATE MESSAGE ME if you think that it would be better to not go into detail and put it as scrambled flashbacks like before.**

 **I DO NOT WANT TO TRIGGER ANYONE WITH PTSD OR DID OR ANYTHING BECAUSE OF VIOLENT PASTS.**

 **PLEASE LET ME KNOW. IT WOULD HURT ME TO KNOW I HURT YOU!**

 **(14 September 2016)**

* * *

 **AN: You guys used to be so good at guessing, I know that no one seemed to get any of this.**

 **We're off to France next, days before the wedding while Ana and Christian find their footing.**

 **Food For Thought**

 **1 Could anything have happened between now and the wedding? If so, what could happen?**

 **2 What will Jack and Jose become of?**

 **3 Will Ana think too much of her parents during her time at the Chateaux? Too many memories?**

 **4 What three things from the list will happen after the wedding and honeymoon? They're already chosen, let me hear your guesses...**

 **Answer the Questions, Review, Question, Comment, Follow, Private Message.**

 **Have a wonderful night, Happy Tuesday.**

 **-Mouse**


	48. Chapter 48

3 DAYS TILL THE WEDDING (FRANCE)

Christian holds my leg up on his hip, granting him perfect access to my core, teasing me till my whole body is alight with electricity. He's set on winding me up until I'm begging him to just enter me. It's really times like these I wonder how the hell he has as much control as he does, there is no fucking way I could play the games he plays. And right as he is about to enter me someone thinks it's a great idea to start banging on our door.

"Please tell me you locked it," I whimper.

"It is," He says into my mouth.

"Okay, can you fuck me now?"

"My, my Miss Steele, what a dirty little mouth you have."

He starts to pull away but I cling to him, in turn straddling him so I am in control. I slide down onto his erection, both of us groaning and throwing out heads back in utter pleasure. He helps me ride him, making out 'quiet' sex session into a much louder one.

"Seriously Steele? We're supposed to be having a girls day!" Kate whines.

Christian flips me, giving me no opportunity to answer her. Waking up to Christian's mouth down there kind of helped me ignore the deals I made to others today. Like Kate, totally forgot I was going to show her some of the places we had lived, the one of the house I still own over here. Nope, Christian became priority since he has this spell over me.

"She'll still be a while, Kavanaugh," Christian answers, still thrusting in me.

"God, seriously? Fine!"

She stomps away to wherever, but Christian slows down. No, no, no… this should be illegal. Why would he do this to me. _To be in control of this, of course_. This is a cruel and unusual punishment, and it's not even a punishment! I am so close, right on the brink of snapping that rubber band in my stomach. I will not beg, I cannot beg.

"Please Christian," I cry. "I need to cum!"

He chuckles before gliding his hand to my core, manipulating my clit as if it were a piano. He plays both well enough. I bite, scream, into his shoulder as I reach that utter point of bliss. It's only after that I care about people hearing me, but in that moment it's like we're the only two people on the planet. If we gross them out, it shouldn't matter because we have seventy-six hours till we'll be saying 'I Do'.

"Let's get you cleaned up," Christian helps me up.

"Sounds good to me," I blush.

We hit our record joint shower time of half an hour, including one distractive sex session, before we're out and drying off. I am forgoing makeup today since we're not doing anything that requires the effort, like all the days I don't have an event or am going to work. It's Christian's doing, he tells me that I look more beautiful without makeup so I have decided to go without most of the time.

Everyone is finishing breakfast when we make it to the kitchen, I grab yogurt, fruit and granola to-go. I am going with Kate, Mia, Grace Mrs Kavanaugh, and Gail to show them around. Thankfully in France we don't really need security and can just go out and about when we wish, and I can drive my own car. Leia is staying back to do something with Alex, Christian, Bay and Elliot which is not a group I would trust but let them do what they want and hopefully won't destroy or kill anything of importance.

"Was last night not enough?" Kate asks once we're in the Mercedes.

"Did you hear us?" I gasp.

"No, thankfully. You just left dinner early, came to watch the movie late, and then left the movie early. I'm an adult, I know what you two were doing. It's going to suck the next two nights when you'll be bunking with me," She smirks.

"Bunking with you?"

"Yeah, we're banishing the boys to the west wing and we'll be in the east," Mia nods. "If you're wondering why, we're keeping tradition."

"But isn't that just the night before the wedding?" I panic.

"I think a two day break will do you and Grey good," Kate shrugs.

"Because you and Elliot are so much better?" I snap.

Christian keeps the nightmares away, he makes me sleep through the night and keeps me safe. On the extremely rare occasion where I would have a nightmare with him he just holds me and rocks me till I am back asleep. We don't sleep apart, even if I want to nap I will do it in his office so he can work while I rest. This is not happening, it can't.

I drive us over to the town that I was born in, where our first house was and still is. I couldn't sell this one. It wasn't in me to give up this part of my life. This is the house where my parents fell in love, where I was conceived, where I was born, where I lived till I was two. This was my parent's first house, their first place where they weren't two separate people but one singular person. I have a housekeeper come down twice a month from Paris to clean everything and even change the bedding. There are a lot of pictures of us as a family up on the walls, most of my parent's wedding pictures are here. It's the house that seems to have the most good memories before everything went horrifically wrong, and that's why it's still here and in my name. I want Christian and I to have something as special and fantastical like this.

"Wouldn't it be sweet if we could replicate some of your parent's wedding photos at your wedding," Grace comments, looking over the walls.

"I thought about it, but Christian already gave up the big wedding and everything. I picked the location, he gets to control everything else," I sigh.

"It's a good thing I went for a vintage and lace look, you'll look almost identical to your mother," Mrs Kavanaugh comments.

"Thank you Mrs K," I give her a hug.

"You know I would like you to call me Kiera."

"I'm working on it."

"I found the jackpot!" Kate shouts.

I look around and find her in what would be my dad's office, he has some of the built in cupboards open and things scattered. Her and Mia are sharing looks in the different boxes and folders they've captured. Mia turns the page she is holding to show the mom's, Gail and me.

"Baby and toddler Ana photos!" Mia giggles.

"I didn't know those were in there," I point at the cupboard.

"They were in the false bottom," Kate answers. "God, you and Christian are going to have cherub babies and model children." She holds a photo to her mother. "I mean who naturally has a pout like that."

"Ana, and she still uses it," Gail teases.

"And it still works," I laugh.

We all sit in the office and look through the hundreds of photos that I thought were lost on the move from Europe to America. I thought that's what mom told me when I had asked to use some for a project in the fifth grade. It's so different seeing my parents, not just the imagined up versions, how they were before the strokes and the depression. They're not recognizable as the same people I knew. If I didn't know better I wouldn't believe it. They actually look like they're in love, that they love me and like life was actually pretty good. If only they knew then, I bet they wouldn't have had me if they would they? I took away from the times where it was just them and their love.

"They really loved you," Mrs Kavanaugh, Kiera, says.

"How can you tell, it's just photo's," I frown.

We go out to the backyard and sit on the bench in the garden, the clear blue sky vast overhead. We're fenced in by hedges and the neighbours here have been here for longer then I have been walking this planet.

"It's in their eyes. A parent's look when you love your child. Your doubt is radiating from you, but they did love you."

"If they loved me, why'd they stop? Why'd they give up on me?"

She holds me close to her, my head is resting on her shoulder as she strokes my back.

"Awe, Ana. Baby, they loved you so much but everything that was happening to them and with them was too much. They would do anything to be here for you and with you right now."

"I wanted a normal wedding, one where my dad would walk me down the aisle and to have photo's like my parents had but I can't!" I'm a blubbering mess.

"Hush now," She coos. "You have family, all of us are family for you and it will be okay. You and Christian are what's important on Saturday, and what you want is what you're going to get. Just let us know."

"I don't want to push anything more onto anyone."

"It's your day, push all you want. Just tell us what you want."

I love Kate's mother, she is so calm and easily deals with me. Not many people can stay calm while talking and dealing with my meltdowns, even with Christian it's a coin toss on a good day. She does just handle my jumbled up rambles and deduces them into something understandable and logical. I can't even accomplish that in my own mind, yet she just does it. I'm convinced she got a psych degree before she went into fashion and design.

"Ana Baby, just talk to me sweetheart."

"I want my parents!" I cry, and choke out, "I want Christian."

"We'll get him here Baby, don't panic."

I cling to her, my nose and throat are clogging up from the snot and disgusting mucus that coats my throat. It's hard to breathe, to open my eyes, to not shiver as if it's cold. Christian's arms replace Keira Kavanaugh's, I quickly straddle and cling onto him so I can cry into his neck and shoulder. I hear Keira explain to him what has gotten me so riled up since leaving him three hours ago, bringing out the picture of my parents and me when I'm three months old and they look like they love me.

"Hey now, Blue," He hums. "It's okay, I'm here now. I understand it's hard."

"I want my mom and dad, the ones in the pictures."

"I know, and I want that for you." He pauses so I look up at him. "Remember what you told Leia, your parents will always be with you and be happy for you. In here."

He pokes at my breast, making me choke and giggle. This is never a good position for us, his erection is growing under my core and our mouths aren't far from each others. Now is not the time for it, and while my body wants it I am so not mentally there for sex.

"Do you want someone to walk you down the aisle?" He asks.

"I don't know, I just don't know. I don't get why I feel this way," I mumble.

"How about Taylor," He suggests. "He knew your dad, you look up to him and go to him like a dad. I'm sure he'd be honoured."

"He wouldn't mind," I peer up at him.

"How about we go inside and ask, we can see together."

Upon standing he has to fix himself before we walk into the house where everyone has found something to eat in the kit Gail brought with us. Christian pulls me over to Gail and Taylor, calling him Jason feels weird, and they all look at me. I look at Christian, pouting and begging him with my eyes to not make me ask, I couldn't handle rejection.

"Jason, would you mind taking that place of Ray and walk Ana down the aisle on Saturday?" Christian asks, Taylor and Gail choke, I laugh.

"Of course, I'd be honoured," Taylor slowly nods. "Ray would be proud of you Ana."

I smile big and hug him, then go back to Christian and give him a good old thank you kiss that grows from PG to an R rated film in seconds. Mia and Kate groan, tossing throw pillows at us.

* * *

 **AN: I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, next up is the bachelorette party and then the wedding!**

 **So some people are doing alright at the guessing games. You got one of the list things, Ana will be meeting the President after the honeymoon! I am debating on creating a President or using a President I love from history.** **Another note: Jose is not the issue for now, for a long time. Jack... he's another story.**

 **Food For Thought (Please Answer, Love hearing you guys)**

 **1\. Pregnancy... let me hear what you all have to say about that.**

 **2\. Where do you all think the Honeymoon is going to be?**

 **3\. Any guesses on vows? Suggestions? Hopes?**

 **4\. Jack Hyde, because things can only go so well for so long. How do you think he could act? When? Why?**

 **Hope you had a great day, have a great night. I personally LOVE the trailer for Fifty Shades Darker, the director clearly knows how to use colour which is important for someone with practice in the film industry.**

 **Thank you for the support.**

 **-Mouse**


	49. Chapter 49

I really, really do not understand the point of a stupid bachelorette party because we aren't drinking or clubbing or any of the normal stuff that you stereotypically do at one of these. Mine has become a tea party, dressing up in fanciful clothes and it's being set up in a rose garden fancy and breakable china. A victorian style tea party, like out of one of my books. It's good since this way Leia and Bay can join us but I know that Kate and Mia are both disappointed that they can't take me out and they don't want to go out just them. Kate also never learned French so if she got separated from Mia for any reason she would be royally screwed. Its not what she wants or needs.

Christian hired us professionals to do the hair, makeup and costumes for the time period. The guys are going into Paris till tomorrow, they're hitting the clubs and whatever but I trust Christian to not do something stupid and unreasonable while there. I know he's not the guy who likes strippers or anything like that. I know him, trust him, and it will all be fine.

"You look beautiful Ana," Grace smiles as I walk out of the cottage.

"Thank you, you all look wonderful as well," I cheer. "Thank you all for being alright with this, instead of the normal things."

"It's your day Ana, celebrating your last day of single life. We can do whatever you want, even if it means wearing a corset," Kate smiles.

"I like it, it pushes my boobs up," Mia pokes at her chest.

"Mia Hope!" Grace scolds.

"Ewe, grown ups are gross," Leia sticks out her tongue and scrunches her face.

"You'll understand when you're older," Mia sighs.

"When I'm older I'll be normal, not you!"

I sit down at the head of the table that is covered in flowers, fine china, cakes and sandwiches, and crystal jugs of lemonade. All the girls are seated around and admiring everything that the planners have put into this. They had asked what I wanted, and this is more then I could have imagined. Got a love the Europeans who can create anything to make it look like a victorian/romanticism novel scene. This whole continent is a page out of one.

"Why is tea spelt like the?" Leia asks.

"Because the French are weird," Bay shrugs.

"I love the language, the food, the people," Mia hums. "It's awesome over here."

"But you, Christian and Ana can all speak French. Most American's speak or learn Spanish instead," Kate points out.

"I still took Spanish in high school, Kate," I laugh. "It was mandatory."

We're getting photos taken as if we're models by professional photographers, it will be like a look book of memories which will be great. There's a little mouse costume for Leia and a giant teacup for us to put her in, it's going to be great.

At dinner we are back at the chateaux, the chefs that are hired to cater to us during our stay make a light meal seeing as we'll be eating a lot tomorrow. Lucy, her husband, Ros and Gwen land tonight and will be brought back in the morning with the guys tomorrow. She is probably going to be mean and rough on Christian and I honestly wish I could be there to watch.

I have a nice long bath, rose petals and rose oil in the water. There are candles all over the bathroom, and as relaxing as all this is meant to be it can't help but make me miss Christian more and more. He promised to call before bed though, at least before I go to bed.

I can't believe that tomorrow night I'm going to me Mrs Christian Grey. I'll be Anastasia Rose Grey, no more Steele… no more old Anastasia. Just me, and it will be all about me and Christian. We get to go off somewhere and just be a couple, mind you we will have a ridiculous amount of security tailing us but in theory it will be us.

He won't tell me where we're spending tomorrow night, where we're going on our honeymoon or anything at all that could give me hint on the whole matter. He won't tell me which continent or side of the planet we will be on, I even tried to ask the time zone and got nothing. I know that Kate knows, she packed for me for the honeymoon. She is not the greatest secret keeper but she still hasn't broken. I feel like Leia knows, but it would be mean to break down the seven year old to spoil my own surprise. I just hope that it is somewhere where the food is good, the sun is warm and we can see water. I don't care if it is Spain, Australia, Mexico, the Caribbean or anywhere else I just want it to be me and Christian. I hope it will just be the two of us for a long time, we need that.

After my bath I have not heard from Christian yet, so I get dressed into some summer pyjamas and pull on a jumper before heading out to the back garden where the ceremony is going to be tomorrow. There are markers from the quick rehearsal we had this morning so we knew where to be and where to go.

I still have to work on my vows, I run back in to grab my notebook, pen and a blanket to sit out on. Christian and I agreed to do our vows in front of everyone in English, but there will be a small portion at the end of each of our vows in French and only loud enough for the two of us to hear. I just want my vows to be perfect, we agreed on including some of the basic and traditional ones but this way it is more personal.

"Are you alright Ana?" Gail startles me as she walks up the path.

"Yeah, just thinking of the wedding. Still working out my vows," I nibble my lip.

"It's hard, writing from the heart."

"I feel like the heart would be fine if my head didn't get in the way. I am also kind of freaking out since Christian hasn't called yet."

"Why don't you call him?"

"Because his party was tonight and I can't interrupt. I'll be okay, I really need to write these out anyway. We each decided to start with a quote, and so far that is all I got."

"It's a good quote, and it will come to you."

"Thank you. Are you okay? Walking out here alone?"

"I'm fine, Ana. Its nice to be out of the city and to walk and listen to the sounds of the earth and see the stars. Maybe you'll find inspiration." She gets up to leave. "I'll make sure there is a pot of tea in your room for when you come in."

"Thank you," I shout after her.

I huff and glare a the near blank page, a page that doesn't even hold my own words. I am starting to question why we decided to do the whole personal and not already written vows. Oh yeah, I talked him into it. _Smart one, Ana._

I struggle to answer my phone when it goes off, finally on a role with my vows but talking to my soon to be husband is more important right now.

"Hey!" I answer.

"How are you, Blue?" His voice shoots right into me.

"I miss you Superman, a little worried about the beauty sleep Mia insists that I get."

"Mom says she can give you a sleep aid for tonight, it might be a good idea."

"Is that an order, Sir?" I purr.

"What am I going to do with you Miss Steele?"

"You can only say that for fifteen more hours, tomorrow at three I won't be Ana Steele anymore," I smile.

"I can't wait. I love you Anastasia."

"I love you too, Superman. Where are we going to be tomorrow night?"

"Nice try, but I am still not telling you. It's a secret."

"Well secrets are stupid."

"Awe, you don't mean that," He chuckles. "What are you doing right now?"

"Perfecting my vows to you. What about you?"

"We're walking to some club, everyone is walking ahead of me. I wanted to make sure I caught you and knew you'd be awake late."

"I'm that predictable?"

"I just know you. Now, go get the sleep aid from my mother and go to bed. This is an order and if you don't I will award you a rosy spanking tomorrow before."

"Yes Sir," I moan.

"God, Ana. What you do to me…"

"Is just what you do to me. I love you, Christian. Sleep well."

"I'll see you at the alter."  
"I'll be the one in white."

I hang up and look up at the stars again, it is so relaxing just being out here. I decide to listen to him and go get the quarter of a regular sleep aid from Grace, she tucks me in and leaves the door open as if I were a child.

I'm woken when the moon is still high by little fingers poking at my cheeks. I open my eyes to Leia, barely an inch from my face with her face lit by the hall light.

"Ana? Are you awake?" She whispers.

"I am now," I yawn. "What time is it?"

"Three. I'm nervous."

"Nervous about what, Bug?"

"What if I mess up your whole wedding or lose the rings. Bay said if I lose the rings you won't ever marry good cause then its for the bad luck and not the good luck."

"Honey, I think Bay is trying to make you nervous. We practiced lots today. You'll be fantastic. I promise. How about you sleep with me the rest of the night. We need our beauty sleep."

"Cause if we don't Mia will chop our heads off."

"Exactly."

I pull her under the covers and let her curl into me, falling back into a calm but empty sleep. No nightmares but when I sleep with Christian it feels more restful.

This is it… today's the day.

* * *

 **AN: No update tomorrow, but Friday is chapter 50 and the wedding.**

 **Christian's Vow Quote:** "I love her, and that's the beginning and end of everything," -F. Scott Fitzgerald

 **Ana's Vow Quote:** "I got lost in him, and it's the kind of lost thats exactly like being found," -Claire LaZebnik

 **Questions needing YOUR Answers:**

 **1 Where is the honeymoon?**

 **2 What are the points that will be made in each set of vows?**

 **3 Where could they possibly be spending their first night as a married couple?**

 **4 Do you think it will be an easy breezy wedding with no drama?**

* * *

 **********IMPORTANT IN RELATION TO FUTURE CHAPTRES**********

 **After the honeymoon something darkis going to happen to Ana because of Jack.**

 **As the READERS I truly think I NEED TO KNOW if I can have a couple chapters of dark matter (i.e. physical, sexual, mental violence). REVEIW OR PRIVATE MESSAGE ME if you think that it would be better to not go into detail and put it as scrambled flashbacks like before.**

 **I DO NOT WANT TO TRIGGER ANYONE WITH PTSD OR DID OR ANYTHING BECAUSE OF VIOLENT PASTS.**

 **PLEASE LET ME KNOW. IT WOULD HURT ME TO KNOW I HURT YOU!**

* * *

 **Have a great night, day, everything in between until I can post on 16 September 2016.**

 **-Mouse**


	50. Chapter 50

**AN: I hope I didn't worry anyone by asking, I really just don't want to trigger anyone and wanted to know.**

 **Anyway... Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"I'm getting married today," I whisper to myself. I leap out of bed and shout out to the heavens, "I'm getting married today!"

I fall back on the bed and giggle thinking of all there amazing outcomes that are going to come from everything. I get to dress up like a princess after Kate and Mia have their ways with my face and hair, and I get to stand on the same spot that my parents said their vows. Today is my day, today I get to become the person I want to be instead of the person I have been stuck as. I wish Christian was at breakfast, but I am counting down the minutes till I get to see him again. And when I see him again we will be getting married, committing to each other forever.

"Spinach, quinoa and feta frittata with fruit salad on the side," Grace serves me.

"Thank you," I smile, bouncing a little in my seat.

"You slept in," Kate states.

"I had a middle of the night visitor," I smile at Leia. "It's good. It means the wedding isn't much longer."

"Has she seen it yet?" Mia bolts into the dining room, her hair in curlers. "Did I miss it?"

Everyone goes quiet while I eat some of of the delicious and healthy meal that has been placed in front of me. I start the new me today, goodbye old and sick and frail Ana. Keira, Grace and Gail sit across from me, Kate places herself on my left and Mia on my right. I feel like this is going to be some sort of intervention and I don't need one of those.

"We found this at your parents house, it was from your parents and addressed to you and says to open on your wedding day," Grace hands me an envelope.

It's my mom's writing, she has amazing handwriting and it scrolls across the front of the cream paper. Everyone gets up to leave; Mia, Bay and Leia are dragged out because they don't really understand space and boundaries. How the hell have I never found this before, but I never really looked through that house either. I consider calling Christian before I open this, but he won't be gone much longer.

 _My Dearest Anastasia Rose;_

 _I love you so much. Your father and I knew as soon as_

 _we found out I was pregnant with you that our world was_

 _complete. I really hope that today, on your wedding day_

 _that you have found the love that your father and I have_

 _with each other. I hope that you see your future with this_

 _man, and see a family full of light and hope. There are no_

 _words, none to tell you how happy and proud I am and_

 _always will be of you. Today you will be scared and_

 _very excited, it will feel like your world is coming into_

 _perspective and falling down around you. I can't wait_

 _to see you in your wedding dress, hearing your vows,_

 _and witnessing the smile my mother saw in me. I can't_

 _wait to hold my grand-babies, to see you in them. I see_

 _your father so much in you and you're not even a week_

 _old when I am writing this._

 _Anastasia, you will be the most beautiful, amazing_

 _and caring young women. The world was graced with_

 _new light when you came into our lives. So smart, so_

 _brave. You will be whatever you want to be. I can see_

 _it in your eyes. You were born with old eyes, carrying_

 _the weight of the world. You'll make your mark, find_

 _your place, and create amazing human beings by_

 _your strength and resilience._

 _My mother wrote me a letter like this for me to open,_

 _and I will tell you that there were tears. Here it goes._

 _On the day you were born I was so scared, you were_

 _due around thanksgiving and graced us in September._

 _Today, today was the day I got to hold you for the very_

 _first time and today I know that I will do anything to_

 _protect you from the scary things in life._

 _Marriage is not easy, not something that can be_

 _organized, controlled or planned. It is a free spirit and_

 _you need to be willing to let some of the stubbornness_

 _you're bound to inherit go. There is no need to fight_

 _over everything, but there is no need to give yourself_

 _up either. Work together, be there for each other in_

 _every little thing. No disaster is too small, no act of_

 _love is too big. And when you have children, know_

 _that they come first._

 _Your father and I don't know where we will be in_

 _our futures, whether or not we will be with you on_

 _this day or not. This is us planning ahead._

 _In this envelope is a Key._

 _The Key goes to the safe behind our wedding_

 _photo in the master bedroom._

 _There we have money for your wedding, your_

 _something old, something new, and something_

 _blue. No one knows of this, and if we have_

 _moved this safe I will add a sticky note or_

 _something like that. (The house we are talking_

 _about is the cottage by where we got married,_

 _and where we will bring you home)._

 _I love you my precious, beautiful, Anastasia._

 _You are our world._

 _-Mama and Papa_

It's warm outside, and it doesn't matter that I am in a tank top with out a bra and running shorts. I run out to the cars that are lined up outside, take the key from the cup holder and drive off. It's a half hour there and another back. It won't take me long, just there and back.

The car radio is playing a Parisian station that is currently discussing the weather for the next week while everyone still hangs out here. Christian a payed for everyone to have an extra week in Paris while we jet off for two months. It will get up to 38 degrees Celsius today, around 100 in Fahrenheit, a good day for a wedding. With the flower and silk draperies we will at least be somewhat in the shade rather then in direct sunlight. We don't need to get burned today. They start to talk about the rest of Europe's weather and if we stay here at least we will have some lovely summer weather for a while.

The hands free starts to ring in the car, Christian's name showing up on the center screen. I press the green answer button on the steering wheel, silencing the french ramblings now speaking of vacation deals.

"Ana?" Christian voice wavers.

"Hey Superman," I answer.

"What's happening? Mia and Kate called freaking out saying you took off in the Range Rover. Are you okay?"

"They gave me a letter, they found it at the cottage and I need to find something there."

"And you took off without security or telling anyone this?"

"I'm still in my pyjama's Christian, and I _need_ to do this. They left things there for me for our wedding. It's in the letter."

"How can you be sure it's there?"  
"Because I didn't even know the photos or letter were there. It's hidden. Please don't be mad at me, I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologizing Anastasia, I'm in the 911-Turbo and will meet you at the cottage. I'm worried about you."

"I don't think that Kate, Mia, Mrs. Kavanaugh or your mother will be happy about this."

"No, probably not."

"You're without security."

He laughs, "I am."

"When will you be there?"

"Fifteen minutes. We were almost home when the girls started calling everyone. We won't have long before we have to get back, alright?"

"I'll see you soon."

"I love you Ana, it will all be okay."

I hang up on the hands free, Coldplay is playing now. I beat Christian to the cottage but wait for him outside, diving into his arms as soon as his feet are on the ground. I watch his eyes turn dark with lust as he looks over me, but it's laced with disapproval since there could be neighbours watching. He pulls me inside the cottage, pinning me to the door, lips magically melting my whole body.

"I need to do something first," I moan into his mouth.

He nods, "Right."

I lead him to the master bedroom, watching him quirk a brow while I climb up onto the bed and to the large framed photo of my parents on the back wall. I analyze the size of the photo, the weight of the frame and glass.

"Can you lift it off and move it?" I ask.

"Of course."

He smiles and climbs up onto the bed. The closer he gets the harder it is to stand on the mattress. I watch his muscles move through the white t-shirt as he lifts the large frame off the wall and sets it gently on the floor by the bed. A little door, the size of the frame, blends well into the wallpaper. There's just a small keyhole and line that shows the size.

"That's cool," He points at it.

I shove the key in an turn it till that resounding click echoes throughout the room. With the key as a handle it swings out towards us, Christian's hand on my hip to stop me from tumbling over. He hands me his iPhone, the flashlight activated as we shine it into the little room. This could have been the coolest fort as a child!

He climbs in first, helping me in before we look around the attic space I never knew we had. There are boxes in here: _Week One Pregnancy, Week Two Pregnancy,_ and all the way through till _Week Twenty-Four Pregnancy_ where the next box is _Anastasia Rose Birth_ and _Anastasia Rose Week One_. The boxes go all the way up till before we moved to Boston, the week before my dad's first stroke. Christian roams about, looking over all of them with me. I can see that he is already looking to find how he can move all of this back to Seattle so we can look through everything for real. At the back of the room we find a wrapped box, it's wrapped in cream paper with a silver ribbon and bow. The blue tag that hangs off the ribbon says _Wedding Day, Hurray!_ It's my mother's writing.

"Is this it?" He asks. "What you were coming here for?"

"Yeah. Yeah it is."

"Okay, I'll hand it to you."

I scurry out, looking over all the boxes again. He hands the box to me, it's much heavier then I thought it would be, and set it on the bed. We both look at the time, it's nearing eleven in the morning and that's when Kate wanted to start on hair and makeup, oh well. Christian closes and locks the door, replacing the photo while I sit cross legged and stare at the box. He slides the key into his jeans pocket

I gently remove the bow and ribbon, keeping it in one piece and setting it on the bedside table with the tag. I want to rip the paper open and see what's on the inside, but I also want to keep the paper because my mom wrapped this with her own hands. Everything in this house, this room, in that secret room… it's all be touched by my mother and father.

We're both trembling with impatience as I gently remove the tape and slide off the paper. Christian takes the paper and folds it for me, setting it with the ribbon. I can't believe this is real life right now. It's a filing box, like all the others up there. I go to reach for the lid but can't make myself take it off, Christian takes it off for me and we both peer in. Covering most of the contents is my mother's simple veil that will work with my dress, and three dried flowers from her bouquet and dad's chest flower thing with a key tied to the string. There are some jewellery boxes, small wrapped boxes with different anniversary years written on the wrapping. A jewellery box that says _Groom_ on it, and a metal box which is probably where the weight of the whole thing has come from. Christian takes the key from the flowers and unlocks the metal fireproof box, tipping the lid back till it falls open. The top is layered in papers that I ignore and hand to Christian to read. There are some really old looking guns set in foam protection, they're from around the Revolutionary War time period. There area some video tapes and a really cool coin/money collection.

"This is so cool!" I cry very happy tears.

"Very. Do you know what these papers are?" Christian holds the stack I gave him.

"Nope," I pop the P. "But check out these coins, some of these have to be hundreds of years old. Original bank notes from our independence."

"Anastasia, did you know your parents were extremely well of and why?"

"I knew we had money, I mean the houses we lived in and never having to sell to buy another was clear. Why?"

"You, we… these are deeds to properties, businesses and such for all over the world. Some of these are handed down from your mother directly to you but there is a formal seal at the bottom which means high ranking or royalty. I'm not saying you're royalty but your parents may have been acquaintances or something."

"I'm not following."  
"I know, but we have thirteen new properties to check out and a yacht."

"A yacht?"

"According to these papers we do, you just need to call this number and talk to a Dimitri. It looks like your parents owned, ran and founded orphanages in war torn countries that granted these kids educations and futures. It looks like even if they died it would still be funded and grown through their business accounts, which according to these papers are now yours."

"I'm really confused."

"It looks like they were planning to retire from everything once you got married and were giving you the family business and legacy."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I can look over this with Ros, Gwen, Barney and Welch if you'd like?"

"Yes please," I blush.

I go back to the jewellery boxes and take the four out, handing Christian the groom one. His holds a set of my dad's Navy SEAL cufflinks and a new watch, or a handed down watch, either way it is a gorgeous platinum watch. I open the smallest first and find a gorgeous white gold, sapphire, pearl and diamond hair comb; it's really old and definitely a hand-me-down tradition piece from someone. I run my finders over the intricate floral design that weaves and curves around. The something new is a solitary diamond pendant on a diamond chain, clean and never been worn before. The last one is a charm bracelet, loaded up with different charms that are all from different countries or at least represent different places. I run my fingers over the little Big Ben and Eiffel Tower.

"Anastasia! I swear to God if you and Christian ditched out to have a hook up before the wedding I am chopping his balls off!" Kate shouts, and then storms into the master bedroom.

"We're not, don't be so dramatic," I roll my eyes.

"Sorry, it's just that Elliot and everyone arrived bar Christian and then here you are with him. What am I supposed to think?"

I shrug and look at him as he puts everything back into the file box, including the ribbon and paper. I hold onto the boxes with the hair comb and necklace, showing Kate the hair comb.

"Can you do something so we can use this?" I ask.

"What is all this?"

"It's what the letter was about. This is from my parents for our wedding. They thought of me, they kept hundreds of records and files all in the secret attic room!"

"Awesome, but can we go back and start working on your hair and makeup so you have a hairstyle to put that in."

I nod and we follow her out to the cars, Christian taking the box in his and Kate comes with me while Taylor drives behind us. We pull up to the chateaux around noon, both being pulled in different directions.

* * *

 **AN: So next is the ceremony and reception. I wanted to try and get it all in but it was not possible. I also am working really on getting the vows just right and I don't feel like they are yet.**

 **Review, Comment, Follow, Favourite, including Guests please review.**

 **Hope you have a wonderful day, new schedule starts this coming week.**

 **-Mouse**


	51. Chapter 51

**AN: Hey, sorry for the REALLY late update. I have been horribly sick and in and out of the hospital for breathing treatments since Friday. This is the only time I have felt up to switching on my laptop. I will do better once I feel better.**

 **Thank you all who have stuck with me, even during this unwanted** **interruption.**

 **Thank you to all the new people who have favourited and followed.**

 **Thank you to all the guest readers who read my story.**

* * *

"Mom, my wedding dress for when I get married is going to have a zipper. Not the hundreds of buttons that you have put on Ana's," Kate takes another sip of her wine, sitting on the couch in the library. "There's like a hundred!"

"And I am going to pretend you never said that and put your number up closer to two if you ever talk about zippers on wedding dresses again," Kiera scolds.

I stand in front of the full length mirror, twirling and admiring myself. The woman in the mirror doesn't even look like me. The dress, hair, makeup and jewellery all not things that I wear out at all. I look… beautiful.

"You look pretty, and I like the buttons," Leia smiles up at me.

"Thank you, Love Bug. You look pretty good too," I nudge her.

There's a knock on the door, Taylor. It's finally time! Keira and Grace leave to join the others who are already waiting out in their seats. They get to see Christian before I do which really is not fair but I shall deal. Just a couple more minutes. We go out and gather by the door we will be exiting the building but entering the ceremony from.

"Just remember eyes up, smile, breathe and don't fall," Kate hugs me.

"Does that mean I can lose the shoes?" I ask.

"Nope, you'll be fine. Taylor won't let you fall and neither will Christian. Just think about it, in an hour you will be Mrs Grey."

Kate helps Leia get ready with her basket of petals and little flowers, all the same that make up her crown. I go and stand by Taylor, thanking him for the billionth time for doing this for me, for us.

"Your father would have been very proud of you Ana, believe that."

"Thank you, and I do believe it a little more every day. Thank you for being with me, for being there for Christian and everything. Thank you for not yelling at me too, even though you look like you want to a lot," I peek up at him.

"I know that yelling wouldn't get us anywhere. You're too much like your father that way," He smirks.

"Thank you, I feel better ding this knowing you. Knowing you knew him."

"I feel honoured having met you," He earnestly tells me.

"No! Do not make her cry and ruin her makeup before she even makes it down the aisle to Christian," Kate interrupts us.

The wedding organizer steps inside and tells us that it is really time.

I don't know what happens to time. Everything is moving so fast and so slow at the same time. Walking down the aisle, I wouldn't have made it if it weren't for Taylor holding me up. His eyes, we can't take our eyes off of each other and the closer they get the more the butterflies flutter. Taylor places my hands in his, turning back the veil, and nods at Christian. Christian helps me up onto the little circular stage with the priest, we agreed on Catholic since both of us are baptized into the Catholic church.

After the opening and before the first reading we have we planned Mia and I get to play a duet I've been working non-stop since we've been here on a song for our wedding. She plays the Cello so we have created a piece for both of us to play for today, to embody everything. I also felt kind of bad for not having something for Mia to do in the wedding.

Grace comes up to do the first reading which is Shakespeare's Sonnet 116:

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,

That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

Kate reads an excerpt from the Velveteen Rabbit and then Leia steps up to read a little poem by Gary Craig.

"It's important to know/ That whoever you are/ All of life is a gift/And each child is a star/And each star shines so bright/With a will that is free/That whatever you want/That is what you can be," Leia reads off her little paper.

The priest then does some more introductions and announces, presses the importance of the vows and marriage before looking to Christian to say his personal vows.

"Great American author F. Scott Fitzgerald is noted in saying, "I love her, and that's the beginning and end of everything"." Christian smiles. "I can stand here today and know that it's true. For the longest of time I felt unworthy, empty, dark and twisted. I had no idea what was going to come after Elena, after high school, after dropping out of Harvard. I knew I had a family, a group of people who held me up every time I messed up. I was still just going through the motions of life: working, breathing and eating.

"Anastasia, you came into my life by chance. Your eyes speaking to a part of me that I didn't know even existed. My lost girl, beautiful and innocent in a dark world. I knew that first night that I couldn't let you go, that I had to protect, cherish and show you the light.

"Blue, I promise, aver, that I will always be your constant. That I will protect you, make you feel love, and help you fulfill your dreams and wishes. I will be there for you during every meltdown, illness, fear and disaster. I will help you grow into someone you want to be, help you succeed in a world we will make for ourselves, and make sure our family has nothing to fear. We will never be hungry, homeless, or without each other. You are my light, my best friend, and my future. You are my beginning, my start, and my everything till the end of life," He vows.

The priest moves to me, Christian looks at me. My turn, and I can't find words to follow that. Tears trickle down my face as I look up at him. I glance back at Kate and over at everyone who are all also crying over his vows.

"All my life I've been lost, confused and trying to find the answer to an equation that I didn't even know. I got myself into not so great situations while trying to prove that I was something, someone, that was worth anything. I've made mistakes, but my biggest one was leaving you. I came here, home to France and spent months thinking about you, about missing you and wanting you. I loved you from the time you stole me away to Orlando, from when we swam with dolphins. We've made mistakes, and somehow we have both made some of the same ones but now we're here and we're together.

"It may not be clear because I'm still lost, but Claire LaZebnik phrases it perfectly "I got lost in him, and it's the kind of lost thats exactly like being found". You've helped me find me, helped me discover who I am without being who others wish me to be. You're my lighthouse, Christian, helping me come back from being adrift in the stormy torrents of the sea.

"Superman, I vow to love you through every up and down. I promise you that I will not run away when I get scared, to try and talk to you through every fear and pain. I will help you grow, thrive, and develop in all aspects of your life. To help you when your sick, lost or upset. To be there whenever you need me, in all things. To obey and listen when you believe that you know what's best for me. I promise to communicate, love and uphold us no matter what strifes come down to break us. I love you superman, you've helped me find me. You are the most incredible man I've ever known," I smile.

Leia then brings up the rings that she was really excited to be in charge of, with Kate's supervision technically. We then do the formal vows as ring exchange, Christian first takes the ring from Leia and takes my hand.

"Je, Christian, prenez-vous, Anastasia, pour ma femme légitime, d'avoir et de tenir à partir de ce jour, pour le meilleur, pour le pire, pour les plus riches, pour les plus pauvres, dans la maladie et la santé, jusqu'à ce que la mort nous sépare," He slides the ring on my finger.

I take the ring from Leia who then gives me a big thumbs up before going back to stand by Kate, Christian and I share a chuckle.

"Moi, Anastasia, prenez-vous, Christian, pour mon mari légitime, d'avoir et de tenir à partir de ce jour, pour le meilleur, pour le pire, pour les plus riches, pour les plus pauvres, dans la maladie et la santé, jusqu'à ce que la mort nous sépare," I struggle but slide the ring on his finger.

We really wanted to have some French in our ceremony so we went for the part that everyone already knows. That way even Leia, Bay, Kate and Elliot could understand what was happening. The priest pronounces us husband and wife, the sanctity of marriage, and then the whole kiss that could have been PG but turned into R. Elliot's whooping is what breaks us apart and earns a glare from my now husband. We're married, for real married.

We don't do the general walk out because we're not really going anywhere. We're staying here with our family while the photographer moves us around to get the photos that we want. I don't let go of Christian's hand/arm, keeping the connection of us without having to run out and screw each other against a wall.

"I love you Mrs Grey," Christian kisses my temple.

"I love hearing that," I giggle.

"So do I," He moves down and nibbles on my ear. "And after dinner, while we go to where we're going you will be hearing that a lot while I remove you from this dress."

"It will take a while, there's one hundred and thirteen buttons," Kate snickers, hearing what he had said. "Just to warn you about the time it will take you for that."

On Grace's phone are pictures of my parent's wedding photos and we are currently replicating theirs down to location and positions. Moving around the property as the photographer orders us about. It's one of the only times I have seen Christian being bossed around and is alright with it, but then again his eyes don't leave me. We do some fun ones inside, just because we can and aesthetically they will look incredible. My favourites, aside from the ones we do to copy my parents', are the ones we do in the library. When we finish up with the photos we go to join everyone at the tables set up outside for the dinner/reception.

Everything is so perfect, the colours, flowers, food… everything. Today is far more then I could have dreamed and with someone I never thought could have ever really loved me. He loves me, and our vows were more than anything I could have asked for. Those will be made into some kind of art piece and put up where we will see it every day. It's fantastic, he's fantastic. I can't believe that we're here today.

"Congratulations Ana," Lucy hugs me. "You look beautiful.

"I feel beautiful. Today has been the best day of my life," I smile, looking over at Christian who's talking with the guys. "He's really good for me."

"I can tell, and do I want to know about the dramatic chaos that ensued this morning?"

"No, probably not. And it wasn't as dramatic as Kate or Mia may have made it sound, I swear on that."

"Do you know where you're going for your honeymoon?" She changes the topic.

"No, she doesn't," Kat pops up behind me. "I do though, and she is going to love it. I am a little jealous that I don't get to go."

"Well, if you and Elliot actually decided to settle down you could be going on an incredible honeymoon too. Which by the way if I find out I will hold over you too," I tease.

We sit down to have dinner before anyone does speeches or anything that could possibly embarrass either of us or impede my current mood. Appetizer is salad, a comfort to me when it comes to eating in front of everyone and in white. Christian's left arm remains on the back of my chair while his fingers draw pictures on my bare shoulder, go up my neck and closet a scar that I don't think he's noticed but makes me flinch. I look up at him and smile, he wants to ask by doesn't. He doesn't run his finger up by my scar again, instead he moves his fingers to the front of my shoulder to run along my clavicle. This is so not appropriate to do in front of everyone.

The servers bring out the main course: Chicken Kiev, rice, steamed vegetables with some amazing butter sauce, and some sort of sauce for the chicken too. I happily tuck in, as does Christian, but I see that Leia has been hesitant lately with eating and going back to old habits. She is really good at cutting food into tiny pieces, moving it around and chewing slowly so it looks like she is eating more then she truly is. I should know, I have done it a lot in my life too. Before anyone has a chance to take her plate away I call Alex over to let her know what games Leia is playing, I won't let her slip up.

After we're done eating we do speeches where I spend pretty much the entire time either red from utter embarrassment or crying from the emotion and sincerity. Why does everyone have to do that too me, I hope/think weddings just make your emotions and hormones all wibbly-wobbly. When it's time to Christian and I to dance I realize we haven't practiced ballroom, I tip off the heels and follow Christian to the dance floor. He gingerly lifts me onto his feet and then dances with me on his toes, lifting me effortlessly and spinning me around. I feel like a little kid, giddy with joy and hope.

"Can you tell me where we're going tonight, yet?" I ask while we rock from side to side.

"You're really impatient, aren't you Mrs Grey?" He smirks.

"And very curious, please? For your wife?"

He laughs and kisses my nose, shaking his head at the apparent hilarity of my comment. I thought that it was worth a shot. I want to know where we're going, what to expect with all of it. I really don't like surprises, and even though this would be a fantastical surprise it still gives me a shock and I don't like that. This could be anything but a surprise and he probably still wouldn't budge, he likes stunning me into submission too much.

"You're going to be a handful," He smiles.

"But I'm going to be _your_ handful," I giggle.

"I am very happy that you're going to be _my_ handful, and that you put obey in your vows. Thank you."

"It's not just a comfort for you Christian, that is a comfort to me too. I know it's odd but it's true. I feel safe in the submission to you and you know that," We're still 'dancing' with me on his toes in the middle of the dance floor. "I know that all your decisions are coming from your best interest in me."

"Everything about you is in my best interest. It's my best interest to rid you of this gorgeous dress, to ravish you and get rid of the pull that is happening down there right now."

"Is it?"

"Yes, and it is in my best interest to make sure that every bit of you is satisfied. I will always care for you, Anastasia."

"I love you, Mr Grey," I peck his lips.

"I love you very much, Mrs Grey," He holds my mouth to his. "So much."

"Can you tell me where we're going now?" I moan into his mouth.

"When we're two thousand feet in the air and you're naked," He bites my bottom lip.

"Please," I whimper, the special panties I'm wearing for him now soaked. "Let's go right now. Please, _Sir_."

"We have things still to do here. Like the garter belt, your bouquet, the cake, and more dancing. We can't let the people down," He teases.

"No fair," I pout.

"Fair enough, now lets go rid you of that naughty garter."

We stop dancing, going over to Elliot who hoots at us even though the next five to ten minutes is completely planned out. The three of us only knowing, plotting, exploiting… I must say that I am extremely excited about these next ten minutes.

Elliot grandly moves a chair to the middle of the dance floor, I sit down and watch all of Christian's movements as he circles his prey. Elliot puts on the most awkward, sexual, music that blasts over the speakers. Somehow it is the cue Christian needs to dive under the skirt of my dress, his hands running up to my core while his tongue runs up my leg to my garter. His fingers gently stroke my panty clad core, he nibbles on my thigh before grabbing hold of the garter. He takes the garter off with his teeth, all the way down my leg and off my feet.

Elliot gets the garter whipped at his face before Christian hands me the bouquet, the music changing to something that Elliot wanted for this moment. We collect all the girls and make sure that Kate is front and center, Christian wraps his arms around me.

"You think she'll say yes?" He whispers.

"I think we're going to send her into shock," I smile. "A good shock, but shock."

"Well, after this we can cut the cake and then get out of here where I can take care of you and your problem."

"I wouldn't have a problem if you had kept your hands to yourself!"

"So you would rather have my mouth?" He teases.

I roll my eyes, earning a growl, before everyone and everything is set up. When I turn around we exchange the bouquet for a one of solid red roses, where an engagement ring is attached to the gold ribbon. Since it's family and friends they know that Kate needs to catch the red bouquet and then I will throw mine after.

I can't watch and see what happens when I through the bouquet, I watch Christian's expression as everything happens behind me, the music and my heart blocking out everything that Elliot is saying to Kate. But when I turn around everyone is cheering and they're making out in an R rated film. I toss my bouquet to Mia before I move over to the cake.

A naked cake, no outside frosting except between the tiers and layers. It's four tiers tall where the top one is frozen and kept for our first anniversary. At least with minimal icing we can't smear anything on each other, it stays clean. Christian cuts us a giant piece before the chef takes over, sitting us at our table where he feeds me and himself the heavenly dessert.

"I had them make an extra batch of the strawberry buttercream icing," He tells me.

"Why?"

"To ravish you with, Mrs Grey."

I near choke on the tiny piece that he has just placed in my mouth, and he doesn't let me get up till he decides I've eaten the proper amount of cake for him, but he eats everything that I don't which is a relief.

It's really dark out by the time we finally are able to leave, loaded up in the back of an SUV to head to the airport. I get to know where we're going soon! And have sex in the air, again. It's really thrilling and fun when he takes me while we're high in the sky.

"Can I know now?" I ask as we pull up to the airport.

"We're not leaving Europe, yet," He smiles.

"Because that narrows it down," I grumble. "Wait, _yet_?"

"We have a couple stops on this trip Mrs Grey, just wait and see."

I nod, and let him lift me out of the car and up into the jet. He sets me down and buckles me in tight, following suit after he removes his fancy jacket and vest. His arm wraps around my shoulders as I rest my head over his hear, everyone else is preparing for take off.

"I'd sacrifice anything come what might/ For the sake of havin' you near/ In spite of a warnin' voice that comes in the night/ And repeats, repeats in my ear:/ Don't you know, little fool, you never can win?/ Use your mentality, wake up to reality./ But each time that I do just the thought of you/ Makes me stop before I begin/ 'Cause I've got you under my skin," He quietly sings to me, and hell his voice could rival Sinatra. "'Cause I've got you under my skin."

"I love you. Now?"

" will be landing in Naples."

"Italy!" I giggle, kicking my legs and then freeze. "Wait, just landing?"

"Just landing, now quiet. I plan on serenading you till I can take you to bed."

"Yes Sir," I rest my head back on his chest.

I'm married.

* * *

 **AN: How did you guys like it? I struggled with the** **vows and tried to make them personal to both Ana and Christian.**

 **Questions Needing Answers**

 **Write the honeymoon or skip the honeymoon?**

 **Where is the honeymoon if they're only landing in Naples?**

 **What stuck out to each of you from the vows?**

 **Who will they be after the honeymoon?**

 **What will happen between Ana and Leia?**

 **Have a good night and I will try to get back on schedule as soon as I can.**

 **Thank You Guys! Best and most supportive readers in the world.**

 **-Mouse**


	52. Chapter 52

**A.N. Hey, sorry for the really long break. I fell quite poorly and took a while to get back on my feet. Then I needed to play catch up and get back on track with my lessons and already overloaded my courses. Here we are now, and I feel really bad for the long break. However, here is Part One of the Honeymoon! I know you deserved it a lot sooner, but better late than never... right?**

* * *

I'm in a white cotton and lace romper as Christian piggy-backs me down the entry to the most amazing hotel I have ever seen. The Bellevue in Sorrento freaking Italy! It's gorgeous even at three in the morning when most of the people are sound asleep. The swell of the ocean fills the whispers in the distance, the rare staff setting tables that line the restaurant that lays along the entrance. I can't believe we're here, that we drove past Mount Vesuvius, that's I'm getting a piggy-back ride from my _husband_.

"Mr and Mrs Grey, welcome," The concierge with thick Italian accent greets us. "Your room is set up with your requirements, and the rooms beside, across and above for your personal staff. Is there anything else you would like?"

"A wake up call for nine, we will come for breakfast," Christian says.

"Of course, Sir, and congratulations to both of you. Follow me."

Christian doesn't put me down till we're in the room, with him tossing me on the bed and crawling up my body at the same time. I whimper as he nibbles my neck, waiting and urging him for more. I want all of him, all of my husband.

I wake up to bright light right in my face, the sun. No thank you, it really needs to still be night. I'm pretty sure we were just going to bed by the time the sun was coming up. I'm too tired for life right now. Christian's hand wollops my ass, forcing a moan out past my lips and him to laugh.

"Come on, time for breakfast," He gets two more whacks in. "I set clothes by the shower and am willing to just dump you into a cold bath if that is what you prefer."

"You wouldn't dare," I tell his pillow.

"Do you really want to see?"

I growl and stretch, rolling onto my back to see _my_ _husband_ hovering over the edge of the bed. _Husband_. I wonder if I could get away with just referencing him like that, if he would listen or get frustrated by it. Probably frustrated by it. He loves me, for real, so he would have to just put up with it and love me anyway.

"What are you smiling at?" He pulls me up to sit.

"Husband," I poke at his stomach, play with the buttons on his blue cotton shirt. "You kept me up most of the night. How are you not tired?"

"Because we have plans and we're not going to be here long, there are other stops on this trip." He lifts me up and carries me to the bathroom where he starts the shower and waits or me to get under the water. "We have things booked and will be operating on a schedule."

"But this is our honeymoon, Superman."

I run the shampoo in my hair, the fresh mint wafting into the air

"It is, and I want to share these incredible experiences with you. I want to try new things and old things, help you, _us_ , grow."

I leave the conditioner to set as I scrub my body over with the lilac body wash that is supplied by the hotel, or ordered for us by Christian.

"You want me to swim in the ocean."

"Sea."

"Semantics," I roll my eyes. "Christian, it's not as easy as you're wishing it to be."

"Can you promise to try?"

I rinse my hair out and wring it dry, before stepping fully out of the shower where Christian stands waiting to swaddle me up in a big fluffy towel.

"I can try, but I do not promise that it will work in your favour."

"As long as you try."

I twist my hair into a messy bun on top of my head and dress in a salmon sun dress with a bra but there aren't any panties anywhere for me to grab so I act as if I don't notice to see how he takes that. I go through and grab my purse, making sure that I have my phone, wallet, book, sketch pad, pencils and camera stuffed in the oversized bag and cling to Christian's hand as we leave for breakfast.

"So, how's your Italian?" He asks.

"I can survive, but nothing like my French or Spanish," I shrug.

We sit at one of the outdoor tables, looking over the Bay of Naples. I love Italy, everything about it, so having this time with Christian and the security will be awesome. We can pretend as though we are just two people and not Christian Grey and Ana. Sure we have all the security to fill Christian's heart desire but it's still just us. They have to dress normal for this vacation anyway, no MIB routines while we honeymoon.

"So, when are you going to force me into the _sea_ ," I take a bite of my omelette. "I want to be prepared for this horrible experience."

"Now what did that omelette ever do to you," He laughs at me stabbing it. "We won't till you think you can handle it, but we're only here for four days before me move on to our second destination."

"And I am right to assume that you are not going to tell me where our second destination would be?"

"We will still be on the Mediterranean sea."

"Helpful, because that narrows it down oh so much."

I watch a couple with two young kids come into the restaurant and set up not far from us, their kids both under five but decently well mannered. They pull out toys for them to play with at the table while the Dad goes to collect breakfasts for everyone. Christian will be a good Dad, he'll be an amazing Dad. I don't think he can see it yet, maybe he can, but he'll be amazing at it and I will do my best.

"I want to vlog," I tell him, finishing everything on my plate.

"Vlog?"

"Yes, like a video blog every day that I can post of YouTube or somewhere that our family can check out and I can go back to and remember all of these times."

"I'm not sure that's safe, Anastasia. It wouldn't just be our family who would be watching it or have access. You're not a fan of the media attention and it could draw them to where we are."

"So it would be a security issue?"

"I would assume so, but we can consult with Taylor and see what he has to say."

I nod and wait for Christian to finish before we head out to explore somewhere. Before we actually head out to Sorento or anywhere, Taylor and Christian discuss the vlogging and YouTube situation before we head out into the streets of Sorento. I can Vlog, but I am not allowed to upload anything until we are in our next destination. They also have decided that if I want to continue this adventure when we get back home that I need to be aware that more outlets may start to follow me more and that I should try to keep security out of the videos unless it is Taylor or Sawyer, and that I can't vlog at GEH when I'm doing actual work but can do like an office tour or film myself working on my own projects that are not relatable. Sawyer is going to get proper video software on my laptop by the end of the day but can start vlogging whenever I want. It's like I'm winning all the lotteries this week.

When we're loaded into the car I take out my camera and switch it on, flipping the screen up so I can see myself in the screen while holding my camera to see me and Christian. I nestle into his side as Taylor sits next to the driver and the rest of our security gets in the cars ahead and behind us.

"Hello, everyone," I smile at the camera. "Today is officially day one of married life, and day one of our honeymoon in Sorrento. I am officially Mrs. Grey and have no idea where we're going right now." I angle the camera more at Christian who is trying so hard to look passive but is clearly going to start smiling. "Tell them, and by extension me, where we're headed Superman."

"We are headed to Pompeii for a private tour of the ruins today," He shakes his head. "I can't believe you're actually doing this."

"We're going to Pompeii?" I smile.

"We are, and now you can share your shameless vast amount of knowledge on random things. I'm guessing there's a vault in your head about the ancient city."

"Like how there are multiple dicks etched into cobblestones and walls all over the ruins that point you towards different brothels, baths, and other places where prostitutes were or where you could have sex."

Taylor snorts in the front seat and Christian takes the camera away from me, apologizing to the invisible people, specifically his mother. I watch the cars pass us by as we travel up the coast to the coolest archaeological site on the planet. He's going to have fun with the vlogging thing too, it's not just going to be me.

As we pull up to the site I check to make sure that my camera has enough storage and battery for the amount of the time we will be here today to learn so much more. Christian takes the camera from me as we get out of the vehicles.

"If you carry this yourself it will not actually catch anything. You'll be to distracted. I will make sure it all gets caught on camera for you though," He kisses my temple.

"Welcome to the great ruins of Pompeii. I'm Troian and I will be your guide today along with my husband Jonathan," A smiling brunette welcomes us and nods towards a dark haired man. "We have everything covered and lunch is being set up for you in a private area. Now, if your whole party is here, lets get going."

I tug Christian along being us, as he laughs at me and follows along. I see the camera passed between Sawyer, Taylor and one of our foreign security workers so that everything is caught. We walk the streets, with our guides try explaining things before I blurt random facts out.

"Coming up ahead of us is…" Jonathan starts before I interupt.

"Lupanar, the most famous brothel in the ruins of Pompeii— and largest," I say. "There is graffiti that tells archaeologists about what each room was for, what customers and women carved in the walls, and they at times carry a dialogue. There are also murals that are very erotic possibly showing what the women in each of the rooms."

"You know a lot about Pompeii," Troian smiles.

"I'm a sponge, and like to learn about random things. First year in University I took an archaeology course and this is what my paper was on."

We have lunch set up for us in the _House of the Fawn_ , catered by the hotel back in Sorrento and arranged by Christian. This whole place is amazing. This whole time is going to be amazing. As we get back into the cars when the sun is setting I slide to sit next to Christian, snuggling into him.

"I love you," I smile into his chest.

"I love you too."

It's our last day here in Sorrento and I'm stuck on a boat with Christian as we go to some sort of arches or underwater things that he wants to swim through and wants me to try and swim with him. I put my feet in the water yesterday. We only have Taylor and Sawyer with us on this boat with the captain, the other guys are on a boat somewhere around us. At least we haven't had any scares or anything. We've stocked up now on multiple batteries that fit our camera so we always have at least three charged and a multitude of SD cards.

"Sawyer, could I ask you a favour?" I look him.

"Possibly."

"If I have a dissociative episode, anxiety attack, panic attack, anything of the matter, can you film it for the vlogs for me if I am unable to do it for myself?"

"I'm not sure Mr. Grey will be alright with that."

"It's not his vlog and it's not for him. I'm not embarrassed by it anymore, and I don't think that others should be ashamed if it happens to them to," I sigh. "If I have to be in a position of wealth and power for the rest of my life I think that I should do something good with it."

"Fine, but try to talk to Mr. Grey about it first so he doesn't try to kill me and help you at the same time."

I nod and head over to Christian, switching the camera on as he climbs back on to the back deck of the boat. He's been swimming around in the caves here for a while since we're waiting for lunch to be ready.

"Do something cool," I tell him, hold the camera to catch it on film.

"We could put the camera in the waterproof casing that Taylor got for it and you can come swim with me in the caves, you'd get good shots," He suggests. I worry my lip and look at my toes, he moves close and cups my face. "I told you I wouldn't force you, but you did promise to try for me too. It may be better to try before we eat."

"I'm scared."

"I know, but you can koala to me if you need to," Christian takes the camera from my hands and hands it to Taylor. "Sawyer will be at the ready to pull you out if you really start to freak out. Deal?"

"Fine, but if I freak out as bad as I believe I will I blame you and will withhold sex until you can make it up proper to me."

"You're editing that out of the vlog."

"The vlogs are edited how I wish."

"You're a pain."

"You love me."

He kisses my nose before running and diving elegantly into the clear blue waters. It's not the pacific ocean, it's warmer and clearer then what I've lived through before. I know how to swim, and I could swim proper with the dolphins before and didn't massively freak out then. I don't know what to do about any of this.

I move round to the back little step thing and sit on the semi-submerged platform, my feet hanging off the edge and into the water. Christian swims up from under the boat next to me, thankfully not grabbing my feet on his way.

"I've got you, Blue," He kisses my knee.

"I know you do Superman, I'm just nervous."

"And that's okay. I just think you need to try it."

"Does that mean you'll finally try calamari?" I smirk.

"Fine."

I laugh and hold tight to the ladder pole as I slide into the water, gripping the cool metal as tight as possible so my knuckles are white. Christian treads water with just his feet so he can hold his hands out for me to take. _You can swim, Ana. This shouldn't be such a big deal_. I reach out and take one of his hands, and then take the other and let him pull me further into the water and into the platform. My breathing quickens, heart rate is picking up speed, and I start to shake my head no. He pulls me flush with his body so I can koala to him.

"You're okay," He whispers in my ear and nibbles on the lobe. "I'm so proud of you Blue, so unbelievably proud."

"Please take me back to the boat."

"Okay."

"You're still eating calamari."

"Okay," He laughs.

"Can you tell me where're we're flying tonight?"

"Not yet."

"When?"

"When we're on the plane, in the air, and prepping for landing."

* * *

 **A.N. Again, sorry for the long wait. I am hoping to upload a decent amount in the next little while and get onto a schedule for the new year. I have not forgotten about you Lovelies. I hope you are all having a lovely holiday season.**

 **Food For Thought**

 **1\. How do you feel about Ana Vlogging their time together? The honeymoon and maybe continuing on when they're home?**

 **2\. Where do you think that should they live once home from the honeymoon?**

 **3\. What is the best way Christian and the MIB (Taylor and Sawyer) should handle Ana? Boxing her in, or letting her be her?**

 **Love you all, and thank you for the support. Hope to hear from you all soon, and will upload as much as I can.**


	53. Chapter 53

From Sorrento we went to Athens, to Barcelona, to Berlin, to Yekaterinburg, and now we're in St. Petersburg in Russia and leaving for Moscow in the morning. Almost seven places and Christian says there is still so much more, I don't know how much more I can take. This is all so amazing and I don't want to run out of the amazing with him. We have so many years ahead of us that we need to look forward to, we shouldn't cover the whole world in the first three months of marriage.

"What do you want to do today?" Christian asks, walking out of the bathroom with a white towel wrapped around his waist. "Go out, stay in, anything?"

"Just relax with you," I smile.

"Relax?" He slides the thick blanket off the bed and my body.

"Yeah," I blush. "Maybe stay in bed."

"In bed? All day?"

"All day," I nod.

"And what do you think we could possibly get up to, if we were to stay in bed all day?"

"I believe you could come up with something, Sir."

He tosses the towel aside, grabbing hold of his erection and slowly pumps it as he looks over my bare body. I squirm, pant, under his scrutiny while I wait for him to do whatever he is plotting in that head of his. His hands run up the inside of my legs, spreading them open so he has a clear view of my core. The tip of his tongue traces his lips before he leans down and kisses his way up my legs to his final destination. His fingers split my folds as his tongue runs up to flick my clit. _Holy mother fucking hell_. My eyes roll back in my head. Yes, this is the best part of the honeymoon. Christian time.

His laptop starts to ring on Skype, and my guess is it is family and not work because his work laptop stays in Taylor's suite so I never have to see it. He doesn't move to answer it, but whoever is trying to get a hold of him, us, is really persistent and try back multiple times. I push him off me, pull on my robe and move to sit in view of the laptop.

"It's your mom," I tell him, then answer it. "Good Morning Grace."

"Morning Anastasia, I hope I didn't wake you two," She smiles.

"No, we were just in the other room. What's happening?"

"Carrick just got home and wants to talk to you about the verdict with the Bennett's, it was served today. Where's Christian?"

"Half asleep somewhere," I lie. "So what's the verdict?"

Christian, now dressed, pulls me into his lap and sits so we are on screen together. I rest my head back on his shoulder as we wait for them to reset so that Carrick and Grace are on screen in their kitchen. Mia is in the background, making up something at the island. I sit with shout a hello at the screen to get her attention and manage to get a wave from her.

"So, what's the verdict Dad?" Christian asks.

"For Bennett, we got fifteen years with a chance of parole in ten, and ten years with a chance of parole in eight for Stephanie," Carrick formally says.

"I don't understand. Is that foo?" I frown.

"It's the best we could get, plus after they're out they are not allowed anywhere near you and will be treated as pedophiles so won't be allowed near children. They also have to pay ten million dollars each to a charity of your choosing."

"For real?"

"Yes," Carrick smiles and nods.

"Pour de vrai?"

Grace smiles bright, "For real."

I look at Christian and wiggle in his lap from utter excitement, "Sériusement?"

"Seriously," He kisses my cheek. "It's all over, Blue."

I leap off of his lap and dive into the bed, squealing and giggling like a mad woman. Christian leans back in the chair, watching me and laughing along. I can hear muffled laughing from his computer, along with Mia's shout of congratulations. I am mad though, with happiness and joy and happy tingles in my stomach. This is the best news ever!

Not wasting much time I dig through my suitcase for jeans and a emerald blouse that I got for my birthday. We didn't celebrate much but plan to celebrate it when we get back state side with everyone. I rush into the bathroom and shower, wash my hair and body, and then dress fast. Christian is still on Skype with his parents when I rush past into the lounge. Taylor and Sawyer and having coffee at the dining table, probably waiting to hear what we are planning to do today. I smile and wave but look for my camera, the charged battery and an empty SD card to use for toady. I'm about to go crazy looking for the SD card but Taylor hands me a new one. I go to my laptop on one of the side tables and FaceTime Kate and Elliot, who hopefully are dressed this time when I answer.

Waiting for her to answer I switch on the camera and flip the screen up so I can see myself, just as Kate answers. I wave at her and look at myself in the camera. My hair a bit of a damp mess right now.

"Good Morning every one, it is October seventeenth and I don't know which day of our honeymoon this is because there have been a lot of them. Currently I am on FaceTime with the lovely Kate Kavanaugh," I quickly show her in the camera. "And I just got some of the best news from my father-in-law, that may be one of the best pieces of news I have ever had in my whole life. Now, as you all probably know on my other channel that has been up since the start of the month since this one went well, I have posted videos about anxiety, depression, eating disorders, suicide and health and a couple about me videos. Most of those disasters of my life had common factors from when I was younger, and one of them is officially over with, in a way it's kind of fixed. Bennett and Stephanie, the abusive foster parents I lived with in my teens, will be serving time in prison!"

"Seriously?" Kate gasps.

"Yeah, Carrick and Grace Skyped us this morning, night for you, and told us just now. It's over Kate, it's done," tears start to run down my face as my heart rate picks up. "It's over."

"I'm so happy for you Ana, we are celebrating like hell when you get back here."

Sawyer comes and takes the camera from me, keeping it on me as Christian's arms wrap around me. His hand runs up and down my back, willing me to breathe slowly and deep. Elliot comes onto screen, just in boxers.

"It's all over with. They won't hurt anyone anymore," I say mostly to myself.

"They won't hurt you anymore," Kate states.

"Elliot put some clothes on," Christian growls.

I take the camera back from Sawyer, calm enough now to be able to handle it right and focus it back on Christian and myself with the screen facing me.

I kiss his cheek, "I couldn't have done this without you."

"You can do anything and everything, Blue."

"When are you guys coming home?" Elliot asks, walking back into shot with sweat pants on. "Mom will be pissed if you're not back for thanksgiving."

"We should be back by halloween actually. I have some surprises state side for Ana, and we should settle in before we get back to work," Christian answers, and I turn off the camera.

"When do you go back to work?" Kate asks.

"The new year, first Monday of the new year and we'll be back in the office," I say.

"I'm so happy for you Ana, I bet this whole thing takes a lot of weight off your shoulders. It just proves that there is good in the world."

I smile and listen to the conversation between Christian and Elliot about being properly clothed when there are other people who aren't Kate who can see him. It is rather entertaining to hear the debate going on, with Christian pushing respect and Elliot saying he's in his own home.

Soon we're getting ready to go out for a walk in the semi-cold weather. Talking about where we want to live, where we still want to travel to, and kids. Kids have been a decent sized topic lately and whenever it comes up we have made a deal to put the camera away because we don't want the worlds input on that. They definitely are vocal when you put yourself out there. According to Kate we are now both desirable and undesirable for the paparazzi. More so because we have a real fan base, and not because it's already out there before they can report on it. The biggest issue security is having is random people coming up on the street wanting to talk to me, us, and they can't always assess the situation.

"I know you're not ready," Christian says, setting a cup of tea in front of me. "For us to have kids, but it's good for us to talk about."

"I know, but I just feel like you're ready and I'm not."

"I'm ready when you are, so there is no rush. Until you are we can get in lots and lots of practice in."

"That sounds like a good plan, Superman," I take a sip from my tea. "So, we'll be home for Christmas but you have surprises planned… will you never be five steps ahead of me."

"Never. I'm always right beside you."

* * *

 **AN: Happy Holiday's everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful time at this time of year and are in better health than I am in. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, we're heading back to Seattle in the next.**

 **Food For Thought**

 **1\. What will Christian's surprises be?**

 **2\. Are some things too good to be true?**

 **3\. Are their plans for kids smart?**

 **Comment, message, follow, favourite, review, all of it. I appreciate it all, Lovelies.**

 **See You Soon**

 **-Mouse**


	54. Chapter 54

Kate and I walk through the fall market, looking at the little stalls that are set up and filled with homemade products. Everyone has grown accustomed to my carrying around the decently sized Canon Powershot GX 3, the camera I bought when were in London on our last leg of the honeymoon. Now it is two weeks till thanksgiving and I have a long list of what I am thankful for. Kate here has us Christmas shopping now, which is why we're here and looking at all of this. I haven't even thought of what to get everyone yet, but Kate seems to have everything plotted in her head.

"What are you getting you parents, and Grace and Carrick?" I ask her.

"Haven't figured it out fully yet. I have to talk to Elliot about his parents before we do anything," She admires some jewelry boxes. "Excited for your mystery trip with Christian tonight?"

"You know where I'm going, don't you?" I have the camera on her.

"I'm pleading the fifth, and the only reason I know is because I packed for you and Elliot and I are coming."

"You are?"

"Yeah. And you should be excited. I am really excited for this. It's part of your list."

"It could be anything."

"Well it is something."

I roll my eyes and move to look at more stalls while Kate picks out a jewellery box. I find a stall that sells custom model boats, and there is one that is close to looking like Christian's custom built sail boat. I ask the seller to pack it up for me as I write him a check, leaving a decent tip for the craftsman. He spent so much time working on it that it's only fair for these people to receive tips. Sawyer comes over with his new shadow security, because Christian insists that I have two people all the time, and hands the bag to the other guy. I really need to learn his name, and things about him like I know about Sawyer and Taylor.

"How much longer are you planning on being here?" Sawyer frowns.

"I don't know, I'm with Kate so I can't give you an estimate," I shrug, I point the camera at him. "Smile, Lieutenant Grumpy."

"Ana, this place isn't secure and we have to head out soon to be on schedule."

"Fine, I'm getting a coffee. Ask Shadow Sawyer to wrangle Kate away from the stalls and warn him that he'll have to cover and duck if she gets her shoes in her hands."

I walk over to the coffee stall thirty feet over from where Sawyer stands and keeps his eyes on me and everyone around me. I flip the screen so I can see myself again.

"The joys of being married to the richest man on the west coast, constant security and constant scheduling. One thing that all those male brains have yet to figure out, is that if I have to be on a schedule when it comes to travel it would work better if I actually knew the plans," I smirk. "Men, I'm telling you. They drive you mad because they still have their caveman tenancies. If you have any tips on dealing with them, let me know. And let me know your Starbucks orders because I always like trying something new."

I switch the camera off and stuff it in my purse, stepping up to the barista who waits patiently for me to decide. I go for Kate and mines regulars and a light snack with each before waiting by the pick up counter. I can feel Sawyer's gaze locked on the back of my head so I turn and wave at him, a bright smile across my face to piss him off a little. Got to have my fun where I can. We keep going back and forth between Escala and Bainbridge, trying to figure which of our places work best when it comes to living situations. I mean, I have the dogs but we also have work. It's not like we can fly into the city every day for work come January. That would be ridiculous, even though we could afford it.

"You're Ana Grey, right?" A young voice asks from behind me. "From youtube?"

I tun and look at the girl, maybe fourteen but even that may be pushing it. She kind of looks like a younger Kate with extremely blonde hair, platinum blonde or whatever.

"I am, and who are you?" I smile.

"Phoebe, and this is my Aunt Emma," She nods to a woman not much older than Kate. "I want to thank you, and say Hi. Your videos helped a lot."

"Helped with what?" I take my order from the counter and nod at one of the tables. "I'm a walking basket case, so what could I have done?"

"You made me feel not alone, like there's other people out there who just get it. My parents died before I got to know them, and then I lived with my grandmother before she died and now I live with Emma," She smiles at her aunt. "I didn't think others got it. The missing things that I feel. You put it into words."

"I didn't realize that I did that for people. It started by just wanting to document my honeymoon. To remember something fully, not half. To remember the good times when I would feel so bad."

"I get it. I forget sometimes too."

I dig in my bag for a piece of paper and pen, "Can you promise me something Phoebe?"

She nods, "Anything."

"I'm going to give you my personal email before my security comes over and stops me from doing so. No one should feel alone, and maybe you and I can make a video for my non-vlog channel."

"Ana's Rambles," She smiles. "It's one of my favourites."

I hand her the piece of paper, smile and head over to Kate who is about to take off her show and fling it at Sawyer. I hand her the coffee and croissant, hoping to high hell that it will distract her for a moment.

"Thank you," She takes a couple gulps from the coffee. "You're a lifesaver. Now tell the goons to lay off and give us time."

"Well General Goon says we're on a schedule so we may not have time and I'm not kept in the loop," I tell her. "We can online shop back at Escala on Christian's credit card to make up for leaving early."

"Fine," She motions Sawyer. "Lead on, General Goon."

We follow him out to the SUV and get into the backseat, giggling like teenagers. I pull out my phone and open the notes app and start to type out a script for a video for my one channel that Kate can hopefully help me shoot it before we leave tonight. Maybe I'll offer up my credit card to her too, just to be sure.

We pull into the underground garage at Escala where Ros's car, Grace's car and Mia's car are each parked in separate visitor's stalls. Kate's would be here but I picked up up and brought her here for breakfast so she didn't have to keep her car here while we're off wherever. The one downside to flying with a private jet is that I can't look up where we're flying to. Sawyer calls up for help with the bags and sends Kate and I up on our own. Kate heads for the kitchen we the elevator doors slide open, now hungry for lunch after our morning spree. I wave at everyone who's congregated in the lounge while beelining it for my studio.

I set my camera up in front of my art wall with my most recent drawings and paintings and grab the studio lights from my closet. Some companies have been sending me clothes to wear in these videos, and I keep them on a rack in the corner of the room. I strip my blouse off, leave on my tank top, and pull on an olive green, knit jumper that works for this time of year. They only see the top half of my body anyway so I could be in joggers and no one would know better. After making sure my configuration is right I hear out to tell them that the hallway leading to the offices and library need to be quiet because I don't need the background sound. I hate to brag, but I have gotten really good at the whole film thing.

"You need to eat lunch," Christian says before I make a noise to announce my presence.

"After I shoot, I need to shoot this before I forget exactly what I want to say. You can even portion my food for me, just be quiet for like the next thirty minutes."

"Fine. Thirty minutes."

I smile and skip back to the studio, closing the door and marching towards my camera ready to film. Mia and Kate creep in before I start to film and sit on the piano bench behind the camera. Kate looks into the screen and gives the positioning a thumbs up.

"Today I met a girl when walking about a market with Kate. No big deal, happens to people every day. Except this changed everything for me," I sigh, and take a moment to gather myself again and reflect. "Today I learned that something that I set out to do just for me, the first thing I've truly done for myself that has not harmed me in any way, has actually helped others. Has reached out to others in ways that I never could have imagined. The whole marriage thing was new to me, a healthy relationship was still a foreign concept even though I was in one. I made the vlogs because of my dissociative spells, caused by my anxiety attacks where I completely blanked on the concept of space and time. I didn't want to forget the most amazing months of my honeymoon, so the vlogs happened and that was really how Ana's Grey Days was created. Ana's Rambles on the other hand was just me, constructing my thoughts into coherent concepts and posting them. Writing songs or improvising them and posting them so I could go back to them later. It was all for me, and maybe having the idea that no one really was watching them enough to care keep them real.

"Today I met a girl, Phoebe, at the market who came up to me and thanked me. She thanked me for the videos I put up," I giggle. "I never thought of that ever before. That what I put out there, that my vulnerability was helpful in any way. Today it really hit me because Phoebe told me that she does not feel alone because of me, and I start to wonder. I wonder what would have happened to me if I had, had someone to look up to and see that they were going through. If I was sixteen and felt that I wasn't alone. So this marks a day of change, the beginning of something bigger and better, and if I have to quit GEH I will. Because whoever you are, you're not alone. We're not alone. It took me forever to understand that and no one deserves to feel alone, no matter who you are, where you are, or what you've done. We're in this together now, and I'm here for you all."

I smile and wave at the camera and Kate moves to stop it from recording. Mia and her both have tears lightly running down their cheeks. I hug them, knowing that they clearly need it right now, before switching off the camera and taking the SD card out. I grab my hard drive and laptop from my desk and head out to the lounge with them. This video could change everything.

* * *

 **AN: I hope you love the chapter. I really tried to have Ana grow as a person in this but still have her struggles, but her growth is very much important as well as her relationships with people.**

 **Food For Thought:**

 **1\. Where are they possibly going?**

 **2\. Is the struggle with finding a place to live going to bring them down or help them rise?**

 **3\. Where oh where are Ana's still loose demons? (Jack, her family History, her eating disorder)**

 **I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and Happy Hanukkah**

 **Review, Comment, PM, Favourite, and Follow. I want to continue cause I have plans, but I do want to know that you want me to continue.**

 **Love you all**

 **-Mouse**


	55. Chapter 55

**AN: Sorry for the delay guys. It needed to be right and it wasn't being right for me. I really like this now... I think. I hope you like this too.**

* * *

I'm asleep before we're offered our dinner on the plane, waking when landing is being announced by Christian carrying me back to the seats, too tired to ask where we are and where we're going. Once we're taxiing over to the hanger where the plane will be staying I pull out my camera and hit record, yawning before I can even say anything.

"Hey, so we're somewhere. We've landed and I literally slept the whole flight, there will be a new video on my other channel that I will link to by the time you all get to see this," I yawn again and point the camera at Christian and Kate. "Now over to Kavanaugh and Grey for the location and information about what is happening."

"Why don't you look out the window and tell me where we are, Blue. I'm pretty sure you can figure it out quite fast for yourself," Christian smirks.

I point the camera back at myself, "Remember what I said about boys earlier. Point just made by my husband." I look out the window and back at him. "Why are we in Boston?"

"It's Kate's plan this time. Well, I let her take lead on this one."

I spin the camera on Kate, "Kavanaugh?"

"Steele?" She teases. "It won't be ready till morning and we aren't granted access till then but trust me. I wouldn't have been able to do this without Christian's or G. I. Joe's influence."

I look at Taylor who rushes off the plane and onto the tarmac, checking the cars and drivers with Sawyer. I move the camera back to me.

"Well, that is how that goes when I want to find anything out. Goodnight everyone, and I can't wait to see what is up their sleeves. Knowing their track records it's going to be life changing. Hope you all had a wonderful day, and let's continue this journey together."

We go out to the cars, Christian, Taylor and I in one and Sawyer with Kate and Elliot in the other. We drive through the city, which I do not pay attention to since I am focused on my laptop and editing the video that I shot earlier. The main speaking part and the added stuff I did after I ate, and I need to edit the vlog from today so I am uploading the footage to my laptop and then onto my hard-drive. Christian rests his hand on my leg the whole way, and I have no clue who that is supposed to comfort. The vlog is going to be the only video that will take a lot of time to edit today, because I have to make sure I don't show any of the gifts we actually bought. I don't want to spoil any of the surprises.

"This isn't a hotel," I point at the building we're parked in front of.

"This is my apartment that I've had from going to school here," Christian explains

"That whole year at Harvard," I smirk.

"Exactly. Now it's used if I have business here. Ros also has family here so I let her and Gwen use it whenever they visit."

"That's sweet of you."

We head up to the fifth floor of the eight floor building and into the three bedroom apartment that has clearly been renovated recently. It's very industrial chic here, far from any of the other properties that Christian has. Kate watches the edited vlog before I upload it while I sit with Elliot who has his work spread out over the table. Christian is on the phone with work, which I should do because there are some things that I need to work on, but decide to observe my brother-in-law in his element.

"This looks cool El, what's it for?" I point at his house plans.

"A couple from Toronto want a vacation house on Whitby, they have the property and this is the design I've come up with for the house," He shows me the bottoms sheet. "Then I have the second and third draft. This is the fourth, where the rooms are set but they want more windows to take in the views so that is my current project. Enough windows to enjoy the view but not so that neighbours can see in."

"You really enjoy this, don't you?"

"It's fun, and who wants a job to be boring. Christian loves control, and he's a CEO. Kate loves to observe and break people down— journalist. You, you're a curious little mouse who could probably run the world if you wanted. You see everything and want to change it all, and that's what you do. You dip your toes in everything."

"Is that a good thing?"

"It's what makes you, you," He's focused on his work. "Have you and Christian figured out where to live?"

"Not yet," I sigh. "I love my Bainbridge property because it was mine. It wasn't something I got from my parents because they died, or a place I rented. I bought it by myself after I spent months trying to find me. I don't want to lose it. I can't. Practically it makes no sense to live there though, traveling into the city everyday."

"And Escala?"

"Escala was the first place Christian and I were us, where he tried to help me. It's also the place I ran from. Sometimes I am scared that I will run from it again, that there will be something in there that will trigger me."

"Okay, so what's plan G?"

"No idea yet, but we'll get there," I look at the second floor. "Why not in some rooms out small and skinny skylights in, a bunch together and that will let a lot of natural light in whether or not it's raining or sunny."

"That's a good idea. Where'd that come from?"

"I can't have good ideas? You wound me."

We laugh and I go back to Kate who quickly voices her approval of both videos, so I start to upload them to YouTube and set them for 6 a.m. Seattle time to go live in the morning because I have no idea if I'll be able to make them live manually. It's really late here, but relatively early back home so logically we should go home because we have to wake up Boston time. If we're here long enough maybe we can get some Christmas shopping in before heading back. I know there are some good independent shops here that could hold some gems.

I'm up before Christian, the man who is currently star-fishing across the whole bed, and go to the kitchen with my laptop as not to wake him. The only others awake are Taylor and Sawyer, drinking coffee and reading papers in the kitchen.

I sit across from Taylor and log into my emails, Leia and I have taken to emailing back and forth more than FaceTime and calls. She's adjusted well, and I get scans of some of her school assignments (especially the ones she's proud of). The title of the email is what catches my eyes: **MY BIRTHDAY! You're Almost as Famous as Zoella, Tyler Oakley, and Hanna Hart! (If you know who any of them is)** ** _._** I giggle and click on the email, not expecting a lot because she sent a rather long email last night.

 _-Have you checked your subscriptions on both channels? Bay and I were looking, Bay was explaining, but it's almost at 10,000,000, which is like a lot. It's like how much your house costs, or the population of New York, or the amount of ants in one ant hill. Anyways. It's not what I exactly emailed you about. I want to invite you to my birthday which is after thanksgiving, even though you know that already, and it's going to be the best ever! Daddy's helping plan it, and it's super cool and gonna beat all birthdays. I want to invite Miss Grace and Mister Carrick and Miss Kate and Mister Elliot and Miss Mia and Mister Just Taylor and Mister Just Sawyer too but don't know how to email them. Also we're going to the museum today in school! They have dinosaur bones there! I'll email you about the dinosaurs tonight. Love you Ana!-_

I smile and click on the attached copy of her invitation which is hand drawn and written by the little lady of the hour. I type back a quick reply, giving her the others emails and tell her that they would feel special if they hear from her too. The fact that Kate and Bay got her to actually call Taylor and Sawyer with the 'just' in front of their names is hilarious. Then again, they did confuse the kid so it's partly on them.

I log into my work email and go over the usual requests and respond as best as I can without my work things with me. Christian got me my own assistant, Hanna, and that's great but these are all departments that I am working with currently who don't have to go through her. There is a whole slew from both Andrea and Hanna regarding talk shows, magazines and newspapers that want interviews with me— all of which are forwarded to Christian and Taylor because those are not decisions I like making on my own.

The next window I open I go to my YouTube account and log in, and I stare at the two different subscription numbers slowly running up higher and higher. I've never actually looked at the number of subscribers for either channel because I've honestly never cared to look at them. As the numbers slowly climb so does my heart rate, and Sawyer and Taylor look at me as if I've lost my mind.

"Christian!" I shout, shriek, in somewhat excitement and anxiety. "Christian, please, now!" This gets the Taylor and Sawyer wound up, turning my screen to face away from me and towards them. " _Please_!"

Kate, Christian, and slowly Elliot, run out of the bedrooms and to the kitchen. All sporting glorious bed heads and yawns. Those three are confused since neither Taylor or Sawyer are doing anything to help me out, it's written clearly over their faces.

"What's up Blue?"Christian lifts me and sits back in my chair with me on his lap.

I take my computer back from Taylor, "Gimme." I show them the subscription counters, getting close to almost ten million each, and I've only been doing this a few months. "Look."

"Holy hell, Ana. I think you've blown up the internet," Elliot laughs.

"Congratulations Blue, I'm so proud of you."

Sawyer hands me the vlogging camera knowing what I am going to go for next. My hands quite shaky but I gather all the strength that I have to hold it still and face it at me.

"Morning everyone from a seemingly sunny Boston, and to the morning I think I had a heart attack. I mean, if you don't already know or don't pay attention like myself. I never paid attention before until it was brought to my attention this morning. I could have been ignorant to this for a long time, but here it is. I am almost at ten million subscribers, and I didn't even know that I had more than a million," I turn the camera to the screen. "I also may have given everyone here with me a heart attack as well. I never thought I would be here, that I would have anything like this happen to me. I don't exactly know what this means, or what is going to happen from here. I don't even know what is going to happen today. I guess we really are all on this journey together."

I switch off the camera and rest my head on Christian's shoulder. Kate's slowly falling asleep along the breakfast bar, but it is early for some people. Christian and I wake up at five every day, and it's about six thirty back home so this is nothing. Kate on the other hand is not a morning person and I don't see Elliot as a morning person either. Either way, it's mid morning here and we probably should be getting ready. I move off of Christian's lap and head for our bedroom and strip to have a shower. As usual all my normal soaps and washes that I have at home are here, thanks to the ever active Christian who seems to always be prepared.

We're in the car by ten thirty, driving down the busy streets in one car, Christian and Elliot up front with Christian driving and Kate and I in the back. She's checking emails and on her phone, I'm on my phone reading comments from the video up this morning. There are so many people telling me about how me being so out and open about my life and what effects me has really helped people not get so down. This one boy from Tennessee wrote about how he was close to killing himself because of some of the abuse in his past where he thought it was his fault, and my videos helped him know it wasn't and he hasn't had a though about death since. Out of nowhere Kate snorts and starts laughing and passes me her phone. It's Leia's email with the title of it being: "YO LADY BLONDIE (Bay Made Me Say That I Say Hi Kate)". My stomach hurts from laughing so much, but we all fall silent when the car slows down.

"Mr Grey, welcome," A man says. "Please drive slow behind Sergeant Taylor and Private Sawyer who are following Private Andrews to where you'll park and we have transportation for you while you're on base."

"Thank you," Christian nods.

"G. is a sergeant and General Goon is a private!" Kate gasps, laughing again.

We park and unload, Sawyer has one of the other security guys holding my camera. Apparently what is about to happen is going to make me incapable of filming myself. This is going to be interesting, but I go and take the camera anyway and make sure it is recording.

"Hey everybody, we are in Boston somewhere and I still have no idea whats going on or why we are here but everyone is acting really odd. I guess whatever happens today happens, but we may not have a lot of footage because I know this is a military base and they may not like me filming," I smile and hand the camera to Sawyer.

We get into a couple Jeeps with Private's driving as we head closer to the water. I'm looking around at the various training and listening to the different shouts being screamed at the cadets. I think this is a school, could be a base, probably both. We park in front of a large brick building that overlooks the water, there is a collection of people including photographers outside. There is no sign outside the building like the others had to explain what this, but it's the most school like building here.

"Before anything happens, this was Kate's idea after one thing on your list," Christian tells me, kissing my temple. "I just helped. I would not have thought of this."

We get out of the car and go towards the people with cameras, not something that normally happens with Christian but today is not normal. Taylor and Sawyer salute three senior looking officials when the come over to us and I timidly step kind of behind Christian like I were a child. They talk to Taylor and Kate then come closer to us.

"Ana, I hear this is a surprise for you. I just want you to know that I trained your father and he was one of the bravest and strongest men I have ever had the chance to know. I'm Admiral Chief Franklin, to my left is Vice Admiral Collins and to my left is Lieutenant Commander Jacobs who runs this part of the school. Come with me," He holds out his hand. I shake it and step back to maintain contact with Christian. "Lets all go up on the steps where the microphone is set up."

Kate comes up on one side of me and takes my hand while I hold Christians arm with my other. Elliot almost falls up the stairs because he's gawking at the ships in the port. I'd day that I am level four cry level right now, no tears but they're right at the brink of spilling out, and nothing has even happened yet. Two large groups of young men and women, high school and college aged, come up and join the group on the dirt road and stand in rows. I notice a light blue ribbon tied from one side of the stairs to the other, and a large brick coloured piece of fabric covers what I think is a name place. _Don't cry Ana, you can make it through this without crying even though you have no clue what's happening_.

"Welcome everyone to this momentous day where we honour one of our best Marine officers that I have ever known or trained. This school trains the up and coming navy, army, air force, and marine privates from the ninth grade up. For years it was just Boston Military College, but no longer is this true," Admiral Chief Franklin firmly states into the microphone. "Today, with he help of his daughter, we acknowledge Navy SEAL Raymond Steele and his wife Carla Steele. Welcome to the now, R. C. Steele Memorial Military Academy and College!"

The Vice Admiral guy hands me scissors and motions to the ribbon, I furrow my brows as the tears stream down my face. I can't believe that this is happening, and my legs are not connected to my brain. With Christians help I get up to the ribbon and cut it, the whole crowd of cadets breaks out into loud applause. A shiny new sign is above the door with the new name of the school. The next few speeches are a blur before we go down to the road again, where int front of the school there is a round-a-bout with a green space in the middle that was previously hidden. In the center is a deep hole but by the hole is a plaque reading:

 _~Only After Disaster_

 _Can We Be Resurrected.~_

 _In Memory of Navy SEAL Raymond Jacob Steele_

 _and his wife Carla Marie Steele_

A crew brings in a baby tree, baby being taller than Christian, and with the help of Christian, Kate, Elliot, Taylor and Sawyer we plant it and fill in the dirt. I hug Kate tight, definitely giving her a temporary cut off of oxygen.

Best

Surprise

Day

Ever

* * *

 **AN: Hoped you like the chapter. So many good and bad plans for Ana. And so you know that I haven't forgotten you I have challenged myself and made it a goal to work on this story this year. I have plans. Many many plans. but so you also aren't upset with me I am in university and while most only take 3-5 courses a semester at my school I am taking 6. however I am disciplined and scheduled and don't plan on getting sick again.**

 **Food For Thought** (Let Me Know Your Answers!)

 **1\. Does anyone else remember what Ana's eaten the last couple chapters?**

 **2\. What is Ana thinking really with Elliot's amazing architectural skills?**

 **3\. How amazing is Kate?**

 **4\. Is it about time for a bit more intense drama to happen?**

 **I hope that you all had an incredible New Years and Holiday season. I wish you all the best in 2017. Currently I am freaking out over the fact that I turn 22 in 21 days! I am hoping to post a mega chapter on my birthday.**

 **Review, Favourite, Follow, PM me, I love you all and your feedback and questions!**

 **-Mouse**


	56. Chapter 56

"Are you sure that you want to do this?" Christian mumbles into my hair as we sit comfortably on the plane, heading towards NYC and Leia's birthday. All the Grey's, Gail, Ros, Gwen, Andrea and her husband Kate and her parents are on board with security. The kid wanted all who entertained her while she stayed with me to come to her party. "You don't have to, you know that. Even if Rick and Alex okayed it."

I look up at him and smile. "We travel Christian, all the time. We don't have an official place where we're living yet and it's not stable. It's what's best for everyone. I'm happy with this decision, we just need to make a decision as to where to live."

"Ah, that decision," He laughs. "Have you Kate and Mia not spent enough time on real estate websites to come up with anything?"

"It's not a house for Kate, Mia and myself. It's a house for you and me. We need to make this decision."

"Should we not make a decision together about the Bainbridge house too?" I roll my eyes and look out the window. "You're not shutting me out."

"I need to go to the bathroom."

I unbuckle my belt and stand up, Christian gropes my ass as I climb over him to get out to the aisle. Instead of using the bathroom up near the front I go to the back bathroom that you get to through the bedroom. I close the bedroom door and close and lock the bathroom door and collapse beside the toilet. My heart is racing, hammering, as beads of sweat form on the back of my neck. It's anxiety, I'm not poorly or anything, this is the blackness caving in. I shove three fingers down my throat and quickly purge my lunch and dessert into the toilet bowl. When I know there is nothing left that can come up I flush and then brush my teeth in the sink then rinse my mouth with mouthwash.

Kate's waiting on the bed, laying back really, watching something on the TV screen. Doesn't look at me when I walk out but it's clear she knows. She has that aura of knowing that bugs me so much, that makes my stomach churn just after I made it stop.

"I won't tell Christian," She finally says. "I won't but you have to. You've lost weight between coming back after your honeymoon and now. Christian has to have noticed but he's waiting for you to say something."

"I've lost weight!" I go to the full length mirror and look at myself. "How can you tell?"

"You shouldn't be happy about that." She comes to stand beside me and starts tugging and moving my blouse. "You vlogged three times over the course of your honeymoon in this top, when it fit right. What's going on with you?"

I start to pace and run my hands through my hair. This is not what I was expecting or what I was wanting to happen. I look back at her and throw some pillows across the room and collapse on the bed.

"We don't have a home Kate. A home. You and Elliot have a bloody home and you're not married yet! You and Elliot have a place you chose together that is yours, that you can go home to and know that it is yours," I get back up and start to pace again. "We have my place and Christian's, not our place. We've gone on more work trips and spent more time in hotels recently going to special events and charities that Christian donates to, or for surprises, or for work things even though we're officially back at work we're working a lot. Flights, road trips, time zone changes always moving and always going and I get no say. No say!" She sits down. "I skip meals, yes. I purge, rarely but only to soothe my stomach. At least I'm not drinking. At least I'm not doping up on oxy or pot or crack. I don't smoke cigarettes or pot. I haven't cut or burned myself since college. So you can all flip shit and say bad Ana, but I'm doing my best! I'm doing my best and I am trying. I'm trying so hard and I can't try anymore. It's too hard. I'm so tired. I can do so many things right, but as soon as I do one thing it's like I'm all wrong. I already know I'm fucked up, unfixable, but at least I'm trying."

"You are trying, Blue," Christian says from the door. "And I should have realize that the constant travel was getting to you. It's more hectic and unscheduled than the honeymoon. I promise it will get better, you just need to rest."

Kate excuses herself, closing the door as she leaves. I'm assuming she left it open when she came in because he should not have heard anything I was saying to her. He scoops me into his arms and holds me close. I move to straddle him and wrap by arms around his neck and nuzzle his chest. He rubs my back softly and hums into my hair. I start to slowly grind into his growing erection, smiling into his shirt as he groans.

"You're playing with fire, Blue," he moans. "It's dangerous."

"Sometimes you have to risk getting burned, or something like that," I nip his neck.

I'm on my back, Christian's pinning my arms above my head and grinds hard into my core. His nimble fingers quickly undue all the buttons of my top and my pants before removing them and leaving me on the bed in just my panties and bra. He takes off his shirt then pulls me to my feet, moving us to stand in front of the full length mirror. His hands run over my ribs, along my hip bones, my collar bone, breast bone, and all over my body awakening my nerves.

"You are beautiful Anastasia," I look up and stare into his eyes in the mirror. "You don't need to lose weight or look any way to be beautiful to me. You're perfect. You could gain fifty pounds or one hundred and I would love you the same." He undoes my bra and slides my panties down my legs. "No matter what I can always do this." He cups my core and tweaks my nipple hard. "This." He slides a finger into my wet core and kisses my neck. His thumb rubs over my clit, toying with it, and I moan. "And you will always do that because you are my Anastasia."

"Please," I groan, wiggling in his clutches. "Please Christian, no more teasing."

He tosses me onto the bed and drops his jeans and boxers, climbing over me with this cheeky yet evil grin across his face. He has his fingers dancing around my body, so light it's like they're not really there.

"I thought you liked playing with fire," He laughs, running the head of his cock along my dripping folds. "Something about being burned."

"Don't be a cow," I writhe and pout.

"You'll pay for that later," He whispers in my ear before thrusting into me.

It's hard and fast, passion filled more than love but it's perfect either way. I scream my orgasm into his mouth, my head spinning from exhaustion. We quickly wash up in the shower and dress. I change into grey 'boyfriend joggers' that are soft and comfortable and put on a blush tank top with dinosaurs all over it and a grey cable knit cardigan. I sit on the floor, bedroom door now open and bed made, and let Christian french braid my hair into one thick rope down my back. Kate brings me back a little container of fresh fruit, yogurt and goldfish crackers and sits on the floor beside me, turning the TV on and finding _Pete's Dragon_ from the seventies which has always been one of my favourite Disney movies. When he's done I rest my head on her shoulder and nibble on the snack she brought me. We're still an hour away from prepping for landing.

"We're going to track your meals and everything you eat, and I'll have Gail work with your dieticians and I want you to start seeing Lucy again," Christian kisses my head. "You guys can watch this, I'll be in the front lounge."

I curl into Kate when he leaves. If only there was a scale on the jet so I could see what I weigh now compared to during my honeymoon. I'll do it once we get to the apartment, I know there is a scale there since I've used it before and then we can see who will be in charge of what. If I am above my target weight then there is nothing for anyone to freak out about. They'll see, they'll all see that I am just fine.

We land in the dark, get to the apartment in the dark, and wake up in the dark. Winter is dark and depressing and even the sparkling lights don't make it all better. I'm stuck in the dark. Maybe we should go to New Zealand for the next three months where it's summer and bright all day and into the night.

Breakfast is served at nine eastern, Gail and the New York housekeeper preps the food and serve it. While everyone sits and starts to eat I duck into the elevator and go down to the sixth floor of the building to the fitness center. My running has been off lately so I need to get back on track for the spring and the start of a new marathon season.

I have my camera set up on a clip tripod on the treadmill and flip the screen up to see me, there hasn't been a vlog in a week, since the thanksgiving Thursday which was really Wednesday's footage and since Leia's birthday party is tomorrow I can film the really birthday events for today and whatever else.

"Hey everybody, I am back on the treadmill in order to prep for the coming January and February marathons that will not beat me. We got to New York City last night and are staying in Christian's place here. Well, Christian's apartment and the three others he owns in the same building because there are a lot of us. We're here to celebra—"

"This is not what I thought you'd do after the talk we had last night," Christian interrupts behind me. I stop the treadmill and look at him. "Ana, upstairs and turn the camera off for now."

I turn the camera off and obediently follow him, taking his hand and letting him pull me to the elevator and up to our floor. He gives the camera to Taylor, both of them sharing a very disapproving look and then he takes me to the table where a large plate is set in front of me and I'm sitting on Christian's lap.

"She can't eat all that Christian," Grace scolds. "I know she needs to eat, but if you give her an Elliot sized portion she will just throw it all back up."

"What do you suggest then?"

Nova comes and rests her head on my knee, I pet her head and scratch behind her ear. Comet is curled up on the couch with Elliot, and I watch him give her a slice of turkey bacon.

"You do that again, El and I will cut off your hand," I threaten.

He holds his hands up in surrender as Grace sets a different plate in front of me. Not a lot of food but I know that this all holds the most calories and fat out of everything on this table. I roll my eyes but tuck in as best I can while on his lap. When I'm done and everyone is happy Christian and I both go to wash up and dress before we all head over to the museum where we'll meet Leia, Alex, Rick and Bay.

As soon as he closes and locks the door behind us he pulls me across his lap as he sits on the bed. My running shorts and pants are pulled down my legs so the cool are hits my ass.

"I think that for the attitude and the knowledge of you doing something wrong, you have earned a good twenty spanks," Christian says. "Cry and fight if you need to because I am not going to be gentle. You know you can come to me and you didn't."

Tears are already streaming down my face knowing I disobeyed him, no… it's worse. I disappointed him. I upset him by my actions, my habits, my inability to go to him because of I don't know what. When the last whack happens I move to straddle his lap, while he keeps his knees spread, and hug him tight while I soak his shirt. He carries me to the bathroom, keeping me held in his arms, and starts a bath. It's like magic how he manages to strip us both and not put me down until we're in the large tub.

"I'm sorry, Superman," I whimper.

"I know. And I'll make sure to look out for both of us. I should have been smarter, I should have seen it coming," He kisses a sensitive spot behind my ear. "I'm going to ask you again. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then you, Taylor, Sawyer and myself will be leaving earlier than everyone else to go to their place first." He washes my body gently. "Then we'll meet everyone else at the museum where I have set up a special behind the scenes thing and tour for us all to enjoy and then a restaurant I'm interested in buying downtown for dinner and the cake will be delivered before we get there."

"Thank you, for everything." I turn around and clean him too.

I dress in grey skinny jeans, black silk camisole, emerald blouse, and cream cardigan. We both opt for a formal casual because it is a celebration and we are in the spotlight a lot. I put us in the spotlight. We go down to the parking garage and get everything loaded in to the SUV before we pull out into the busy streets of NYC. I get my camera back in the car, so I finish what I planned on saying earlier.

"Hey, so we're in New York to celebrate the birthday of my favourite monkey. It's going to be a great couple days with family and friends, to see how much she's grown. Today however, it also bittersweet. Today Nova and Comet get a new home, a better and more stable home where they can be loved and treated how they are meant to. I can say this now because the video will be up after she get them, but happy birthday Leia, I love you and know you'll do them well." I close the camera and smile at Christian who observes me carefully. "I'm okay. She needs them and they need stability."

* * *

 **AN: SO many plans! Can't wait to see how soon this all unfolds.**

 **Let me know what you think.**

 **Have a great night, day, back to school and work time.**

 **-Mouse**


	57. Chapter 57

"Ana!" Leia tackles me as soon as I'm off the elevator. "You came early!"

"I did since I have a surprise for you!" I try and match her enthusiasm whilst getting off the floor. "Do you want it?"

"Yes!"

I look back at Taylor and nod, he goes back down to the garage to collect Sawyer and Christian since it's safe to leave me in the apartment with a cop. She pulls me to the kitchen where Alex and Rick are eating a late breakfast and drinking coffee, both with dark circles under their eyes.

"You okay?" I ask, sitting down on one of the chairs.

"She wouldn't sleep last night!" Bay groans from the couch. "Every half hour she was asking someone what time it was and how much longer. It was worse than when we fly and she asks 'are we there yet'. We should have never told her you were coming."

I pull Leia onto my lap and start to tickle her. "Is that so," I tease as she laughs. "You woke everyone up all night long!"

"Yes!" She squeals.

"So, is everything good?" Alex sips from her cup, eyeing the elevator.

"Yeah, Christian's with Luke and Jason in the garage collecting things to come up. Should be here any moment. Thank you for this, Alex."

"Well, it makes it easier and everyone is happy. Right?"

"Yeah. It'll be a weight lifted off my shoulder."

"Are we going to the museum yet?" Leia looks up at me.

The elevator doors open and Christian leads the dogs in, Sawyer and Taylor behind him with all the supplies (toys, leads, collars, bowls, beds, food) that I had for them. There are large bows attached to their collars and I can't help but roll my eyes.

"Turn around and see who's here for you first," I nod over at the brood.

Leia runs and jumps at Christian, waving at Taylor and Sawyer, then notices the dogs with large bows. She leaps from his arms to get on the floor with them and hugs them, I smile and almost cry happy tears. Bay gets up and goes over to Leia and the dogs.

"Why'd you bring them?" Leia looks at me.

"Because I can't take care of them properly anymore. I'm not home, I travel a lot, and never know if I'll be staying at Bainbridge or Escala. They need a very special girl who always goes home at night to do her homework, and is healthy, loving, and loves to cuddle. Someone that I trust, who is under five feet tall and used to live on the west coast," I tease. "And it has to be their birthday today."

"I'm all of those things!" She jumps up to hug me, near strangling me. "Can they come to the museum with us?"

"I think they should stay here and acclimate to their new home, but I did have the papers transferred that say that they're trained as service animals and can come into all public buildings and cannot be removed," I look at Alex. "But that does not meant you can always bring them everywhere and they have to wear their special vests, remember?"

"I remember."

I let her pull me to her room where we set up the beds, then back to the kitchen where we set up all their water and food bowls. We have time to kill and she definitely has enough energy to entertain us through that time. One of those stupid stabbing feelings that I have had in my chest for a while now isn't effecting me anymore. We go out to lunch, just us, and I order a bison burger with cheese and bacon, fries and a milkshake. Eating it all on my own without question or persuasion. Leia is busy telling Taylor and Sawyer everything she's learned in school about the military and how she understands how it all works. I vlog, as always and narrate the walk from the restaurant to the museum.

"This ball of energy is going to talk two highly trained military officials ears off," I smile and turn the camera to shot Leia talking while getting a piggy-back ride from Sawyer. "And if you all think this is bad, you should see her once she has sugar in her." I turn the camera back to me and part of Christian who's beside me. "Anyways, we are currently walking to the museum where everyone else is waiting for us where Christian and Alex have planned a fun time for us all apparently, and thesis a time I am happy to not be included in the planning process. Now, since we're just walking I want to be candid with you all, and I know you like these talks. These past couple weeks have been rather hard on me, and I slipped up. I made some of the biggest mistakes I could when it comes to my eating habits, and I know that I disappointed the most important person in my life and I let you all down." Christian moves ahead of me, not wanting to overstep with me but close enough to keep watch. "This morning I weighed in under my target weight and tried to work out before eating anything. That's not on anyone other than myself. It's all me. So I am here, pledging to all of you that I will do better. I already have made a promise to Christian, to myself, and now I have to make a promise to you. If I am going to be a role model I have to be honest and try my best. So here's me trying my best."

I bump into a guy on the street, nearly falling back on my ass if he hadn't caught me and yanked me back to my feet.

"Thank you, maybe vlogging and walking in New York isn't such a good idea" I straighten out my jacket then look up. "Jack?"

"Woah, Ana. Small world." He smiles.

"Yeah. Is Jose with you? Is this another travel piece or event article?"

"Neither, I'm just here for fun this time. We had an event a couple days ago, Jose left early to go home and see his dad. I leave tomorrow. We should catch up sometime."

"Yeah, we should." I nod, and flip the camera so it can see both of us. "This is Jack, and he saved me from a rather embarrassing tumble."

"Ana!" Christian calls.

"I got to go, I'll see you around though." I wave bye, close the camera and run to catch up to everyone. Christian possessively wraps his arm around my waist. "Sorry, klutzy moment."

My feet ache by the time we get to the museum, telling it was a bad idea to wear five inch heels when I knew we'd be walking. We make it through to the museum where everyone waits under the t-rex skeleton and Leia runs, tackling and greeting everyone she can catch by surprise. I skip over to Kate and sit next to her on the bench.

"You'll believe who I just ran into on the street, literally," I whisper.

"Who?" She raises a brow.

"Jack, he was here for some event they were covering. It's so random."

"You run into him a lot, it weirds me out Ana."

"You never liked Jack to begin with, and I do not!"

"You ran into him four times on your honeymoon, and this is the sixth time since you've been home. Granted those were some of the events he was covering but it's weird."

"There isn't a story here, Kate. I can see your gears turning but there's not. He covers events that Christian and I will regularly attend. Please, don't do this today. I feel really good, not weighted right now."

She nods and hugs me, quickly knocked away by Leia and all I hear is Elliot having a riot in the background. Three different guides collect our group and we're ready to go. Let the party commence!

 **THREE WEEKS LATER: DECEMBER 21**

There's a light tapping on the door that I ignore, then the door opens and there is a light tapping on my arm. Someones shaking me, someone is about to get slapped for waking me. It's too early and Christian wanted play time last night.

"Five more minutes," I groan and roll away.

"Ana, Christian called and he needs Sawyer to take you down to the office," Gail's calming voice tells me. "It's almost noon, Honey."

"Noon?" I groggily open my eyes to look at her. "You sure?"

"Very. They'll have food for you there, you just need to get dressed and go to the car, Sawyer already has everything for you."

"Okay. Can I have my robe?"

She chuckles but brings me the white fluffy robe. I pull it on and trudge into the closet, glancing outside to see how depressing the shortest day of the year is. It's snowing, so that's a plus. I pull on dark blue jeans and a red blouse, grabbing a black hoodie from Elliot's construction company and tug on my Timberlands before trudging off to the elevator. Comfortable and fine to wear out, also represents my mood which is that I want to be tucked in bed sleeping more. Gail hands me a to-go cup of tea and and waves me into the elevator, which I stumble into and brace myself on the railing.

"Do you know what this is about?" I ask Sawyer as I climb into the back of the SUV.

"No, but it is apparently of the utmost importance. Otherwise I think he would have let you sleep," Luke smirks in the rear-view mirror. "We won't be long."

I lay down in the backseat, feeling really nauseous as soon as we start moving. I quickly ask him to pull over on the side of the road, barely up the street from Escala and wait for the nausea to quit before continuing onward. The ten minute drive to Grey House takes us twenty with the amount of stops we make, and instead of dropping me off by the doors Sawyer utilizes the valet and escorts me up carrying my bag.

"Morning Ana," Andrea smiles then frowns. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just feeling a bit nauseas," I force a smile. "Do you know what's happening?"

"No idea, it's not work related. Ros berated him for being here instead of home, but whatever the reason is it calmed her down," She jokes.

I nod and head to his office, walking in without knocking and there are around five or six other people around the room. There is a whole spread off food on a table I've never seen before in the corner, the smell wafting towards me and has me running for the rubbish bin and vomiting into it. Christian's over like the Flash, holding my hair back and rubbing my back.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"Fine. I think it's just a bug," I take the offered tissue and wipe my mouth. "Can we just get this over with so I can go to bed?"

He nods and sits me in his big, official CEO chair behind his desk and then goes to the other side where the others are. There are four large presentation boards on easels covered with linens, and each has one or two men with it. I relax back into the chair and take the orange juice that Taylor hands me, sipping down half the bottle.

"Okay, so the living situation that is driving both of us mad," Christian starts. "I think I have come up with something that may work. I know that you have decided officially to part with your Bainbridge property, and I have decided to part with Escala. That being said, James Senior and James Junior have been hired to sell both, they know how to handle properties that may draw attention just due to who lived there. That way we don't have a lot of random people coming through to view them."

"Sounds good," I slowly nod.

"Good. So I have found four properties, of ones you have also looked into, that would work location wise, security wise and future wise. Each person standing with the property is the representative here on behalf of the current owners. i was hoping we could sort this, and move, before Christmas."

"That's in four days Christian!"

"I know, which is why we're here now. Then you can go rest and I'll handle everything."

"Fine, but someone get rid of the smell of coffee and bacon. I think I am going to be sick again if I have to keep smelling that."

Christian goes over the pros and cons that he sees with each of the properties, the issues brought up by security, and the possibly dilemma when it comes to live in staff. Then he gets to a presentation board that does not have a person beside it.

"You know the 501 Skyline, the building close to the coast and a few blocks from Escala, that had run into issues?" Christian looks out the window of his office and towards the building that is taller, more unique, and more modern than Grey House. "How the old owners had run out of money to continue the project this summer."

"The giant building that challenged your ego, I remember," I smirk. "But I don't remember construction ever stopping."

"It didn't. I bought the building and had Elliot take lead. Now, we don't have to do this if you don't want to, but I have kept the top six floors completely separate from the other fifty-six. Renovations of those six are almost done, and by mid-January Grey House will be in the lower fifty-six officially."

"You want us to move into the top six floors? We don't need that much space! And don't you think we would need some separation from work. We'd live at work."

"Yes and no. The interior layout and design is completely different than the rest of the building and we would only have the top two, the floor below us would be like a fitness, swimming, activities center, the floor below that would be guest apartments, and the two below that would be securities living space and offices."

"And we could move in there before Christmas?"

"Elliot says so." He comes round and crouches in front of me. "I only offer this option because I want us to be safe, and that on your bad days you know I'm never far. I want us to have our space and not have to worry about anything else. We could even keep Bainbridge if you want as a weekend and relaxation place."

"Keep Bainbridge?"

"If you'd want."

"And this would ease your mind?"

"It would," He nods firmly. "We can meet with Elliot and Gia now, they want to finalize paint colours with you. All the primer is on, and Elliot says he can have our floors painted overnight if we so choose."

"Is it still going to be called 501 Skyline?"

"I was thinking Steele Point Tower, for us."

"For us."

* * *

 **AN: So, how do you like them apples? I told you drama was going to start coming in.**

 **Let me know what you all think! What your guesses are, and what is possibly happening with Jack.**

 **Have a wonderful day, Lovelies.**

 **-Mouse**


	58. Chapter 58

There are ten elevators, the last one on the left goes up to the executive floors and the last on the right goes up to our private quarters. The two floors we live on have a central courtyard that gives us an outdoor area with grass and greenery and the protection of not being open targets for photographs or anything. The crew manages to make the grass feel real, and the water drains into a reusable system that waters the rest of the plants when there is no get natural light from the interior courtyard and exterior windows. On top of the ridiculous amount of square feet that two people don't need. Tonight we're hosting an employee Christmas party for Grey House, the bottom three floors that are the entrance of the tower, leading into various offices and conference rooms, will be the first showing of this building to pretty much everyone except for the executives of each department.

"Are you feeling any better?" Kate asks, packing up some more books in my office.

"Yeah, whatever that bug was isn't bugging me as much. I mean, I'm sleeping through the night now without vomiting everywhere. I'm excited to move everything over today and the party tonight. If I focus on that, the nausea isn't too bad," I finish taking down the last of my drawings. "I've stressed Christian out a lot."

"Well, when your significant other its easy to stress when they vomit up everything they eat, or when they don't eat."

"I don't even want to throw up!"

"I know, Sweetie," She sighs. "At least you don't have to take any furniture, since your husband is bonkers and just bought everything new."

"Gail was happy to go shopping for the kitchen. Everything is what she wants."

All of our personal effects are being packed and taken over today, yesterday the place was painted by ten in the morning but left to air out so we're not stuck in a paint smelling place. Then overnight Christian and Elliot oversaw the moving in of furniture starting at five this morning and have sent people back for the boxes Kate, Grace, Carrick, Mia, Gail and myself have been packing since seven. Christian says the red room will be dealt with by new years, and that we can make our own at the new place.

The nausea is building up again so I make my way to the master bathroom and lay on the cool tile in front of the tub. Gail brings orange juice, which we've learned helps the nausea, and some crackers. She sits on the floor beside me and rests my head on her lap, and we wait until the nausea passes and till Christian comes back for lunch.

"I want you to see a doctor," Christian says as he carries me to bed.

"I need to help pack," I try to roll off the bed.

"You need to rest. Mom is going to check on you soon, we're just waiting for a nurse to come by to take blood samples so we can see if this is more than just a bug. Kate says she's never seen you this ill before."

"I'm fine, Christian. We move today and have the party," I attempt to argue.

"I know, which is why you'll rest now."

I reach for my camera and Christian rolls his eyes, not trying to stop me but showing that he just wants me to rest. I update the vlog on what's happening then surrender the camera over to Christian who is going to worry himself sick at this rate. When Grace comes in with a young nurse she brings in two bottles of orange juice, my saviour at this rate. Blood is drawn, I am force to humiliatingly pee in a cup and hand it over to my mother in law, and give spit samples. The joy of being married to the richest man in America and feeling poorly with no reason.

"Once we get your fluids back up you won't feel as nauseas. It's only been a couple of days but your fever is getting worse and it's not stopping. Do you have your appendix? Gall bladder? Any medical history that could pertain to this that I should know?" Grace says.

"I had my appendix out when I was six. I don't think there's anything. I mean, other than the reoccurring tonsillitis that keeps coming up."

"But you go on antibiotics for that, and it shouldn't be making you feel like this," Grace shoos off the nurse and brushes my hair from my face. "Just rest now Dear, it's going to be a long night with the official move and office party."

"Okay."

She stays with me till I'm asleep, and I wake up to warm arms lifting me into the air. Christian. I curl into his chest and let him take me wherever we're going. The ding and whoosh of the elevator doors tells me it's moving time, and I relax.

"I want McDonalds," I yawn in the car.

"Seriously, Blue?"

"I want fries and a large strawberry milkshake."

"Is that a smart idea with the nausea?"

"Please."

I pout up at him and he nods at Taylor who is trying to not laugh in the mirror. I smile bright and sit up properly. Moving towards my own seat I see the dark circles under his eyes, and it's clear just how worried and tired he is. Now I'm determined to get better. I want to ask where everyone else is, but then decide that they're probably at the new place. Everyone was planning to get ready there and just go down when the time comes. Taylor grabs a tray of four large strawberry milkshakes and hands it to Sawyer, another tray to Christian, and a lone cup to me, then two bags are handed over and I'm guessing that they're full of fries. Christian hands me one thing of fries and I tuck in for the rest of the short drive after our detour.

I have my camera out and in my hand when we're in the elevator, this is the first time I get to see the new place with paint and furniture in it. Before it was white walls, grey hardwood flooring or white carpet, and empty.

"We're in the elevator heading up to our new place with the super technical elevator that Christian paid for, it does hand scans and passwords and voice recognition. It think it's very futuristic and a tad bit overboard but Christian and the security guys all think it's super cool. I'm super excited to see the final product, and am feeling much better now," I smile at the camera.

"After McDonalds," Christian mutters loud enough.

I look at Taylor and Sawyer who are holding the fast food but shrug, "Everyone I believe is already here and working on the unpacking. I promise a house tour on my other channel once we're settled and probably after the holidays are over. Which reminds me, Christian we have the Toys for Tots thing tomorrow, where the details are in the description box below."

The doors open, no ding, and I giggle and almost do a very awkward happy dance when I see it all. So bright and open and full of color. Some of my larger, complete, paintings from photos taken over our honeymoon are hanging in the main lounge and our wedding pictures decorate the walls. Christian takes the camera from me, and I know he's capturing my reaction and talking to the camera. He forgets that I watch the footage and edit it. Kate and Mia rush over and we collectively freak out. When I look back at the elevator Gail is frowning at Taylor and Sawyer who are explaining the food. Flanking the elevator doors are two very large photos or paintings that are covered up.

"What's that?" I point at the silk fabric hiding something.

"This is a gift from me with the help of your photo friend who I still want to punch sometimes," Christian explains, him and Elliot each go to one. "Ready?"

I nod and they pull the sheets away revealing a mash up. On the left is a mash of one of the photos we did to match my parents wedding together, they're in black and white while we're in colour. On the right hand side it's basically the same but one that we did to mate Carrick and Grace's wedding. I can taste the salty tears before I have time to realize that I am properly crying. I run at Christian and leap into his arms, kissing him firmly and hold him tight.

"Thank you," I say against his mouth.

"You're welcome," He sets me down. "Now go explore."

I take the camera from him and run off to my studio with Kate and Mia. The three walls are striped white, light grey, and sea foam green, with large sections of grey where I can put my drawings up and black chalkboard paint where I can write things down. I back onto the courtyard which makes the lighting a little easier to control and the studio lights that have been built into tracking systems on the ceiling will really help. A new piano, custom and looks like grey driftwood, sits nicely in the middle of the room. All of the furniture is white with grey and yellow linens.

"Welcome to my new base," I show the camera around as I look. We end up playing with the lighting system and I play a couple short things on the new piano. "This is incredible."

"And it's yours," Kate smiles, knowing that having my place and actually have it feel mine without a huge history is important to me. "Your master suite is gorgeous too, I snuck a peek before you got here."

"Have you jumped on the bed yet?" I smile.

"Was waiting for you."

"What are you two on about?" Mia furrows her brows.

We pull her out of the studio and towards the stairs, out bedroom is one corner of the upper floor, looking out towards the Space Needle and Puget Sound. I bet we could set a system up and check the Bainbridge property from here.

"What are we doing?" Mia asks.

"Every time we move or get a new bed we have to have a ceremonial bed jumping where one of us normally fall off and it's proper fun," Kate laughs. "Hopefully my parents don't arrive in the next ten minutes."

"Why?"

"They may have forbade us from doing this after the Portland apartment, I fractures my arm. But we never learn."

"Lets do the two guest rooms up here first," I say, ducking into the sage room. "It's a queen bed."

I set the camera up to catch us all as we go from room to room, making the beds back up after we're done enjoying them. After the begin the sage room, when we got to the lavender room Mia really got into it too. We head for the master suite, passing the room that will be the red room, and see the elevator open and Kate's parents walk out with Ethan. We run into the master suite, hoping we don't get caught.

Two of the walls in the master suite and the bathroom are a light grey, but the accent wall where the Californian King bed is based upon is a gold, silver and white wallpaper that Christian or Elliot had made custom and delivered from the UK. It's modern but still classic and vintage, it's beautiful. The furniture is white again, all the linens silver, gold and grey which is very different than the feel we had at Escala and the feel we have at Bainbridge.

In the midst of jumping on the bed Mrs Kavanaugh, Elliot and Christian startle us, sending Kate and I toppling down to the ground in a fit of giggles.

"Anastasia Rose Steele and Katherine Anne Kavanaugh, what have we talked about you both jumping on the bed!" She scolds. We look at her eyes wide. "You're married and a role model Anastasia, and Katherine you are more responsible than this. I thought you were both smarter too, after what happened last time."

"What happened last time?" Elliot asks.

"I fractured my arm," Kate says like a scolded child.

"And you thought this was a good idea?" Christian raises a brow. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I'm not that breakable," I pout and go to my camera to switch it off. "Is it time to get ready for the party?"

Kate, Mia, and I get ready in the master suite and meet everyone else downstairs in the lounge, all the boys in their tuxedos and us girls in formalwear. Kate and I have our hair in large, loose, curls that flow down our backs. While the party started about forty minuets ago, with the moving and us distracting each other, we're running a tad late.

"You just gonna stare, Superman?" I tease.

"Yes."

We wait for the others to go down, taking time together to gather ourselves before gracing our people. I go to the kitchen and drink some of one of the many strawberry shakes in there and let Christian drink some, smiling at him as he makes a show of it.

"You're absolutely stunning, Mrs. Grey," He smiles.

"Thank you, Mr. Grey. You look very dapper in your suit," I straighten his tie.

"Would you do me the honour of being my date to this little party downstairs."

"It would be an honour."

"Good. Because we will not be there long. I want to bring back up here, strip you from that pretty little dress of yours and christen every room by morning." I whimper as his breath wafts over my throat. "You will not be able to walk properly for days. Would you like that?"

"Do we have to go out?"

Abrupt and clear coughing distract us from the scene we're having in the kitchen, Taylor is standing by the elevator rightly flushed, and motions to the clock. Christian and I straighten out then head into the elevator, the motion to me to try the voice recognition.

"Grand lobby, first floor," I say clearly.

"Access granted, Mrs. Grey," The electronic voice responds. "Going down."

"So cool," I giggle.

The elevator doors open on the active party, Christian immediately drags me to mingle with some of the straight ties (old men stuck in old ways) that work in the hierarchal levels below us but don't like being ruled over by adults in their twenties. There are also old guys who own companies he wants, politicians who want his influence, and loads of others that I also could care less about. I stay with Christian because it seems to make him feel better and I don't like breaking away from him in situations like this.

"Can I have a glass of wine?" I ask him, I drink now with Christian's position and supervision. "I'll take Sawyer."

"Of course, bring me back a glass of Chardonnay," He kisses my temple.

Sawyer and I go towards the open bar and I order Christian's and then a Malbec for myself, Sawyer stands close by to me watching over all the people who come to talk to me or introduce themselves. Before going back to Christian I hand Sawyer the wine glasses and go over to one of the tables with food to collect some of the mini quiche I feel in love with at the tasting two weeks ago.

"Ana, wonderful party," I spin to look at Jack.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I'm right here to grad a snack, but here in the building with Jose who is taking photos over by your husband," Jack draws my attention to Jose. "It's work. Just like you're here for work. What's with the attitude? You're usually happy to see me."

"Sorry, I've been feeling quite ill as of late."

"I know. Our editor keeps trying to get an interview with you, she keeps up to date with every vlog and video you post. You have to know your subject."

"Well, you can tell her to give up. I'm not doing any," I laugh.

"Not even a couple old friends?"

"You'd do the interview?"

"Mrs. Grey, come with me," Taylor interrupts the conversation and grabs hold of my wrist so I drop the quiche. "Now."

"It was nice seeing you again Ana," Jack holds out his hand to shake, I quickly do and take the little USB he shoves into my hand. "I'll see you around."

Taylor pulls me away, back to Christian who takes me in his arms and hands me my wine. I slip the USB into my clutch and look at Ros and Gwen who are talking about New Years celebrations and a party they think we should host.

"You okay, Ana?" Grace steps up beside me. "How's the nausea?"

"Fine," I sigh. "I think everything's fine."

* * *

 **AN: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... and drama... and high stakes... and WTF!**

 **I hope you all loved the chapter, let me know what you thought. I love hearing your guesses as to what is going to happen and where things are going to go. I mean what could possibly happen from here on out?**

 **What's on the USB?**

 **What's Jack's deal?**

 **What in the world is going on with Ana?**

 **Have a wonderful night/day, my Lovelies.**

 **-Mouse**


	59. Chapter 59

Christian and I had to prepare speeches for tonight, Ros has already spoken followed by Gwen, but now it's coming my turn and I had the slightest experience. I fewer hours logged here than some interns which is ridiculous, and now I am on top of the company according to Christian which is terrifying. The whole 'yours is mine' thing should not extend into the business realm, but turns out that's how it works with Him. We walk up to the second floor where the microphone is set up and everyone on the lower, second and third level of the grand concourse can see us. I stand off to the side while someone I don't know speaks, Kate is with me as we go over the speech that she helped write. The speech speaks for me, not for Christian or anyone else, and I have no idea of how it will be received but that is not my problem really. I don't speak in a way of thinking of others first, I speak and normally whatever happens seems to happen. I chug the wine and feel ready to do this. Christian stands beside me when I get to the microphone since he is right after me.

"I have never been certain in my life, not with what I want to do or where I want to be. I ended up with the love of my life this year, saw parts of the world I never thought I would see, and started here. I haven't worked at or with GEH long, and I never thought I would be one who worked in an office building with men in suits and ladies in business clothes. I've always been a free spirit, and think that is why I am the head of a department that never used to exist, one that worms its way into others. I have no authority here, no matter what I am still new and still learning. I don't have a lot to say, other than I am so happy to have started to work with such amazing people.

"I don't know anything about who you are outside the walls of Grey House. I don't know if you have families to go home to, parents on a farm or small town, or how you got to where you are today. And to our guests who have been invited in to this party, I really know nothing about you. Don't forget where you're from, where you belong, where you're going, or where you want to be. I've learned in the past two years that we can be where we want, with who, and what we want to be. The holiday season is about family and friends, and I hope that in these next two weeks off you all spend time with the people most important to you and don't take any opportunity for granted.

"Have a Happy Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years. We'll see you here in the new year," I smile and step away from the mic.

I duck over to Kate, feeling really nauseas and needing to find a restroom before I vomit in front of everyone. Sawyer escorts us to a private set in the back corner of the second floor and stands guard outside the door. My stomach settles quickly, I think it's just from chugging the wine. Christian's speech is nearly half an hour long, and there is a toast after before everyone is left to mingle again.

"You're coming with us to Toys R Us tomorrow, right?" I ask Kate.

"Yeah, I think my parents and Ethan are coming too and I know Christian has asked Ros, Gwen, Andrea, Hana, and everyone else he considers friends to come help too," Kate smiles.

"Sweet."

"Do you know what the turn out is going to be?"

"It's 200 tickets for the meet and greet that you all insisted I do. We have to be there for seven, and Christian and I along with you guys get to shop for the children's hospital and those will be wrapped and packaged up of tomorrow evening when we take them. The rest of the day we are doing meet and greets and everyone who is coming fro the meet up thing gets to pick four toys for Toys for Tots, along with anything bought by regular customers Christian and I are matching for Toys for Tots."

"Busy day."

"Worth it," I frown into my glass of water.

"I know the holiday's are not your thing, as do my parents. Why don't you just tell Christian and Grace that you're not up for the festivities in two days. You purposefully booked tomorrow up to avoid Christmas Eve, but you can get out of Christmas too."

"I don't want to ruin it for them. These are their traditions and I'm a Grey now, I have to suck it up and just do it."

"Plus I'll be there," She hip bumps me.

"And you'll be there. I'm also hoping that since it's Christmas, Christian will let me get drunk," I shrug. "And I'm in control, before you say anything about getting out of hand."

 _I look around the kitchen at the various Christmas cookies and baking that I made for Mom when she come's home. Most of it is getting packaged up and I'm taking it to the police station, fire station, and hospital for all the staff that will be working tonight and tomorrow on Christmas. I also have special treats for Dad's care workers at the home he's at._

 _While it cools I start on the little prep work for our special Steele Christmas breakfast in the morning and for dinner for Mom and me. All my presents are under the tree, but I still have to wrap what I got for Mom and found the cutest Christmas wrapping yesterday that I think she'll love. I look at the note on the kitchen table for the fiftieth time since I got home after shopping yesterday._

 _-Anastasia: I love you and I'll be home soon when I can._

 _There's money by the phone if you want to order take away.-_

 _The door bell rings once, twice, three times, followed by some knocks. I look back at the paper and unwrapped gifts left out on the dining room table. I walk over and swing open the door. A lady in a cream skirt suit and two police offices stand with her. The flashing police lights that sparkle in the December rain behind them is rather distracting, so much so that I don't hear the cop speak at first._

 _"_ _Are you Anastasia Rose Steele?" The lady cop asks._

 _"_ _Yes," I frown._

 _"_ _Anastasia, I'm Fern and I work with Child Services here in Washington State," Th lady worker says. "Honey, we need to talk."_

 _"_ _Anastasia, we're sorry to inform you that this afternoon we found your mother's body in a hotel room. It seems that she has committed suicide and since your father is incapable of being able to care for you legally we have to take you to a group home," The bald cop states._

 _"_ _Honey, your dad will go to a home and the home we found that will take you in on such short notice is in Seattle so we have to head out now," The Social Worker, Fern, adds._

 _It's not unusual to come home to no one, but that bitch chickened out of life, left me and dad on our own and is just gone. She's dead, Dad's as good as, and I have to forfeit everything I have that is who I am because they never have been. I'm sixteen, I should get to choose. I want a say. The three of them just stand in the foyer like idiots waiting for me to say something._

 _"_ _I don't want to, I can take care of myself here. It's my house," I argue._

 _"_ _You're too young, and I know this is a lot to process but you have to understand that this is only in your best interest," Fern argues._

 _"_ _If this was in my best interest you'd all leave."_

 _"_ _Miss Steele," The Cop huffs._

 _"_ _I lost my parents half a lifetime time ago, just leave me alone." I spit. "Happy Christmas."_

 _I slam the door and lock it, falling against the cold wood and letting the tears trickle down my cheeks. I want to scream, to tear my body apart, to fall into a black hole and never come out. Sinatra's Christmas album plays loudly in the background, louder than the knocking against the door and shouts from the officers._

 _"_ _Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas…" Old Blue Eyes croons._

Taylor holds a tissue out for me to dry the tears before Christian notice them, Kate is over talking to him about hopefully something not to do with Christmas. I smile at Taylor and wait for his slight nod, telling me that it's not overtly obvious to the tears.

"You should tell him," Taylor says.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Wanting and needing are two different things. There are a lot of things no one wants to talk about, but they're needed."

"I don't need to talk about it."

"You are your fathers daughter."

I look up at him, trying to gage what tone he's using but quickly give up and take Christian's offered hand as he leads me towards the elevator. When I turn to look out of the closing doors Jack's not standing far off, smiling in a way that makes my skin crawl. It makes me feel anxious, but the anxious fluttering turns to lust filled butterflies as Christian undoes my zipper. His hand reaches out and presses the red stop button and the elevator halts on its assent.

"This, here and now, is room one," He nips on my neck. "Bend over, Anastasia."

I take hold of the shinning rail tight as my dress falls to the ground and he runs my panties down my legs. I bite my lip hard, to stop from making a sound because I am not sure how the voice recognition system works or if it will think we're in distress as soon as I start groaning.

"Fuck, Christian, _please_ stop teasing," I grit out.

"I have to make sure you're nice and ready," His hot breath wafts over my wet core. "I also can see that you need to get a wax soon." My face burns with blush. "No retort, Blue? No? Alright then."

He purposefully blows on my core, making me write white trying to hold myself in a somewhat standing position. His fingers run up my skin to my breasts, leaving goose bumps in their trace, and tweak my nipple between his rough fingers. The carnal groan that breeches my lips is embarrassingly loud.

"Are you in distress, Mrs Grey," The computerized voice asks.

"No, I'm fine," I spit out. "Thanks."

Christian laughs into my core, then stands over me as I hear his zip lower down. His cock probes my entrance and one hand comes around to cover my mouth to cover the groan that sounds out as he enters me. It's fast, carnal, as he plows into me from behind until her both writhing in out our release.

He carries me into the lounge, draping me across the sofa. I'm worn out already, but like the feel of Christian pressed against me and holding me skin to skin.

I shift, slightly wake, when a soft throw is laid over my body, keeping me covered and warm. Quiet murmurs from off in the apartment play out, too far to know what they're saying but I know it's Christian and two others.

"Ana, Love, you need to wake up and try to remember something for me," Christian whispers in my ear. I look at him, off in the corner is Taylor and Sawyer who thankfully cannot see my nakedness. He holds the little USB in his hand, which I had forgotten about during our adventure in the elevator. "Love, what is this?"

"I don't know. Jack gave it to me," I yawn. "He was acting off tonight."

"Do you know the password to access what's on it?"

"There's a password?"

"Yes. With a riddle as the clue."

"Okay. Can I go back to sleep?"

"Anastasia, this is serious."

"I know and you're cute when you're serious. But its sleepy time, Superman. Some of us need sleep."

"Christian, this can wait till morning. You have an early start and we can discuss this at breakfast, when she's more alert," Taylor says.

"Alright. Be here at six in the morning."

I'm lifted up into the air, and know we're heading up to the master bedroom where I'm dressed into one of his t-shirts and tucked in all snug.

When I wake Christian is still asleep and it's six in the morning, so I go and pull out clothes for both of us that match but aren't cheesy and then head for the shower. Kate and Mia, along with the others are all down with a massive breakfast, having stayed in the guest apartments downstairs for the night so we can all go over together to the shops.

"Morning Ana," Grace smiles.

"Morning, I didn't think you'd all be here this early," I yawn.

"I want to do your make-up and Kate wants to do your hair for today," Mia explains. "Is that what you're wearing?"

Arms wrap around my waist from behind. "I think she look beautiful."

"Okay, well instead of the brown blazer can you wear the red leather jacket we got a couple weeks ago?" Mia pouts.

"Sure, if you can find it in the unorganized closet."

Kate's over by the breakfast bar, curlers plugged in by the mass amount of hair products that I technically own but never use. I load up my plate and sit by her so she can start curling and primping my hair as she likes. Taylor brings over a military grade laptop, I still have two of my dad's old ones, and sets it in front of me with the USB already plugged in. The riddle rally is not that difficult, but it is just very personal. The place where the maternal and holy spirit died: Holiday Inn. Where Christmas and my mother died, easy answer that Taylor could have answered if he really wanted to. I turn the laptop back towards Taylor, not wanting to see what is on it with the way Jack was acting last night and how everyone else reacted to him.

"What's all that about?" Kate asks.

"I don't know or want to unless it directly affects me. So, what are you doing to my hair this time?"

"Large curls, braiding some of it a bit so there is none in your face when you're meeting people and getting your picture taken. I'm trying the zipper braid on your hair, so that it's a bit more unique."

"I'm freaking out a bit."

"I know."

 **CPOV**

Taylor, Sawyer, Ryan, Wail, Reynolds and Cooper all head to my office as soon as Ana has unlocked our access. We have no clue what he wants or what he is planning, but he will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law if I have anything to do with it.

"This laptop prevents us from being hacked or being attacked by a virus, so whatever Hyde is playing at we'll be safe," Sawyer explains.

"Good, so what's on it?" I sit in my office chair.

"Surveillance photos of both you and Mrs. Grey, primarily the focus is of Mrs. Grey. There appears to also be files from Ana's past, private home videos and photos that no one should have access too. There are also legal files and documents from Elena's trial, those including both yours and Mrs. Grey's. He has an amalgamation of information that no one should have the ability to access except for you and Mrs. Grey," Taylor formally debriefs.

"And course of action will be?"

"Patrick, Reynolds and Cooper will maintain constant surveillance on Hyde while Wail does and in-depth background check into him and why he may be targeting you both."

"But, he know everything to do with me and Elena?"

"Yes Sir. He knows of your time with her, after her, and the submissive's. While he does not have any photos there is through information that is correct."

"He can be charged with having access to most of these files, we will push forth a report by end of day with the Seattle Police Department. We have also alerted his workplace that he has been using his employment to stalk both of you," Sawyer adds.

"Whatever this comes to, you will all protect Anastasia. If it means hiring more plain clothed security then so be it. This nut case will not hurt her or get near her again. Is that understood?"

There is a chorus of, "Yes Sir's." Ending the debrief we all head out to the main area, and I sit beside Ana as my sister and her best friend torture her with hair products and make-up. Girls

* * *

 **AN: Hey Lovelies, I am happy with all the support from everyone. To the cowards who are are reviewing as guests, I won't take your things down or really react to them. To each their own, and if you don't like something don't read it. And statistically those who post rude comments or are online bullies are just unsure of themselves or have been through troubling times and want to make others feel bad. Except I'm a writer, in and out of school, and I will take criticism and suggestions to help me grow instead of take me down.**

 **To all my lovely supporters, you make my days/weeks better. Keep it up!**

 **-Mouse**


	60. Chapter 60

**AN: This was a very personal chapter for me. And I found it really hard to actually be happy with it, enough to upload it. I have come to realize that I will never be happy with it. That I will always find a flaw because of it being so close to me. So I hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

"You got some 'splaining to do, G. ," Kate teases Taylor. "Like how you bee lined it for the Frozen section as we came in here."

"He has a daughter, Kate," I laugh, dropping one of everything I can get my hands on into the cart. "I'm just trying to grab one of everything that I would have wanted as a kid."

She holds up one of the Cabbage Patch Kids from the cart, brow raised while I smile big and nod. She drops it back in the cart, shaking her head as she turns away from me. It's our third cart, Elliot and Christian are each on their second, and we lost Mia to the store as soon as we walked in. There's more Grey Security here than we had preciously talked about, more than I was told. It's easy to guess that whatever was on what Jack gave me isn't good, not in that realm for Christian anyway. Jacks fine, I bet he's just in a dark place like I have been in multiple times over the years. He just needs a female Christian, to help him out.

I break away from Kate and Taylor, running into Elliot a couple aisles over with some of the baby things. There's a plush rabbit, near identical to one I had before we moved State side, and I want it. Not for anyone or anything, but just to have. Maybe pass it on when we decide we're ready for kids. I hold it in my hands while walking through the baby section, placing things in a cart that one of the no-name security is pushing behind me. The heels that Mia had me put on area killer on the feet, and the little sleep I had last night is starting to wear on me. Reaching the row of rocking chairs or nursing chairs, I kick off the heels and settle into the most plush looking one. They have some really cute baby stuff here, but at the same time the thought of pushing a baby out of my nether region seems very unpleasant and not something that I really want to do in my future.

"Comfortable?" Christian teases, rocking the chair from behind.

"Very," I nod.

"Good, cause your thing is starting in fifteen minutes. We need to go to check out and do a photo for The Seattle Times," He holds out his hand, noting the rabbit I'm clinging too. "Cute rabbit, want me to run it up to one of the carts?"

"No! I want this for me."

"Okay, I'll have Taylor watch it."

He takes the rabbit then takes my hand, leading me up to the from of the store where everyone is waiting next to at least fifteen-ish carts. Kate is talking to the photographer and journalist, two of the people who are on her staff I guess. There are multiple clerks helping scan and run up out tab for now, Mia and Grace separating into what is for Toys for Tots and what is going with Christian and myself to the Children's Hospital.

"It's like a well oiled machine," Carrick says.

"Clearly," I say as Christian leaves with the rabbit. "Find some cool things?"

"I found some retro things that were from Grace and mines time," He jokes.

"Awesome."

"I think we need to buy four games of Twister, set them out and all play that with some of your main security guys," Elliot shouts.

"Because you're so steady on your feet?" Grace quirks a brow.

"Exactly!"

"Ana used to always win Twister we we played it at some of the parties in college," Kate laughs. "No one wanted to challenge her."

"I was also always drunk and had no care if my ass was on display or not," I say.

"Still think it would be fun," Elliot pouts.

"You think jumping off a building will be fun!" Mia argues.

"There is a place in New Zealand that you can do that."

"And I won't support you in this decision," Kate kisses his cheek. "But I'd also be happy to push you off when you chicken out."

I watch the number of how much all this is going to cost us slowly build up to much more than I was thinking. Then again simple toys like lego or dolls are over twenty dollars now and the high tech ones reach closer to one hundred. This is worth it though, for kids who don't get it. Today is a good day. We get to do something. Change lives. It's fun and while I hate the attention… totally worth it for those who need it.

 **JPOV**

She's worse than she was last week. She gets worse every time I come see her and it's all his fault. His fault. He did this to her and he's going to do this to Anastasia, and she doesn't see it coming. No one ever will see it coming. That cocky, arrogant, egotistical ass who thinks he can rule the world. This is not his world. It is not his life he ruins when he tosses them to the side. He's like all of them. All of them are the same, they take a girl and ruin them for their own pleasure. Now look at him with Ana. He's keeping her locked away in their tower, hidden away. She can't be kept. She needs to be free. Needs to live. A gilded cage is still a cage.

"You're going to be okay," I tell her. "I'll make sure of it."

"Just let me die, Jack. i can't be here. I'm not right," Leila looks up at me.

"What about Mom? About Kenzie? You can't die like them. Can't leave me like them."

"You'll be okay."

"I won't. I can't."

"You will be okay. Just think of getting better. They say you're not eating."

"Can't eat. Don't want it."

"Leila. Please. I'll fix all this but you need to try. I hate that he did this to you. He'll pay for it and won't hurt anyone else."

"He was a good Master."  
"No, Leila! He wasn't. Men like him are really bad, horrible people."

I get up from the seat they let me sit in, her arms are restrained still from her last act of trying to kill herself three days ago. All of them have been killed by men like him, ruined and left to rot and suffer. She's the only family I have left, all I can take care of and who can be there for me. We need each other. Need to help each other and protect each other.

The nurse comes in the more agitated she gets, shooting her up with sedatives to send her back into la la land. She needs a better clinic, some one or people who will work better with her and for me. Maybe she needs me out of her life. Maybe she needs me to get out of her life as well as him. Get rid of all those reminders. Like how Mom and Kenzie were with guys, sadists, who just used them.

"Your sister will get there, Mr. Hyde. She just needs to rest right now," Her doctor says.

 **APOV**

Kate hands me a bottle of water after we take our first break after one hour of photos and meeting people. There is a stack of things, gifts, that people have brought me which Mia and Christian have taken lead of. I really hope we get to have a snack soon because I'm so bloody hungry it is ridiculous. Elliot and Grace went to go out and collect food and snacks for all of us which is freaking fantastic. I sit on the table and flip through emails on my phone, looking at the different projects I need to start in the new year and prioritize. We have hired a manager for me in terms of YouTube, an international company that focuses on YouTube stars of which Christian has approved. Honestly I won't be surprised if her decides to suddenly buy the agency to protect me or whatever. I love him, that's what counts.

"Your saviour has arrived!" Elliot bounds into the room with bags of take-out. "And mom's here too."

"You are not to old to be grounded, Elliot Jonathan," Grace states.

"Sucker," Christian laughs.

Grace hands me a a very large smoothie and a bag of popcorn and start to chow down on the popcorn. I can sip on the smoothie while still seeing people.

"Kim wants me to do some cover shoots and interviews with different magazines," I tell Christian in-between mouthfuls of popcorn. "And I kind of wanna do some."

"Send me the info and which you want to do and we'll work it out if you want to do them. Before you didn't."

"I don't want to do the ones that don't really matter. Like the trashy magazines Mia usually reads."

"I do not ready trashy magazines! They're important in a world where appearance and knowledge are key!" She argues.

I laugh. That's what The Economist and Time are for but I would never catch her reading either of those. Even Kate reads them, and she loves gossip more than anyone. There is a difference between trash and knowledge though. Our small break ends and I have to go back out and start on the meet up again, with our next group of people. I slowly watch the others take up lounge positions in the back while Kate and Christian come out with me— everyone loves them in my videos so they're meeting some people and keeping up their support.

"Are you running any marathons with Ana?" I overhear a young boy ask Christian and Kate. "She's running Boston and London, and you're her best friends so I thought you might."

"I honestly never thought of it," Kate frowns.

I go over to the group, "I think it will take longer than three months to get them up to par to run the marathons."

"Then who will run with you?"

"My trainer, two of my security personal, and one of my friends who is a detective in New York." Alex wanted to and I've run with her so I know she will not slow me down. "If they want to try and catch up to me I'll make sure there's footage. I can out run Christian easily."

"Awesome!"

I hi-five him and we all take a picture with him, and listen to him give Kate a final word of advice to switch to trainers instead of heels. I snort, making Christian and Taylor laugh, as we continue on with the day.

"Are you going to run for anything, like a charity or something?" A teenage girl asks me as we near two in the afternoon. "Like the army or cancer or something?"

"Do you think I should?"  
"I think it would be cool. You're doing this for toys for people, so why not more? My sister runs for amputees cause she doesn't have a left leg."

"I'm not lacking on money to donate," I furrow my brows.

"I know. But it's a way for people to help out when they don't have the ability or standing as you do. We're talking about it in my social sciences class right now."

"Am I your project?"

"No, but your husband is."

"Good choice," I laugh as Christian frowns.

At our next break I am in dire need of fresh air, and have Luke take me out back to the cars, giving me air and still protection by sitting in the hatchback and not just out on the curb. If they're really worried about something, I am concerned by their tactics of actually having visible weapons in a more liberal state. Whatever it takes to appease Christian, I've been there.

"They're having trouble with some paps out front," Luke tells me. "Do not leave this car, and if anything happens just close the trunk and climb through to the front seat where the panic button is."

"And don't tell my husband?"

"Do not inform Mr. Grey I am leaving you alone."

I nod, and lay back on the blankets that have been packed in here. Taking my camera I set it up and smile at the lens.

"A few sweet moments for myself, without any fans, family, security or anything else hovering over me. Who knows what is going to happen or where I am going to end up in the near future. I could write a book. Do something. But the months of vacation is sort of boring now. I need something to keep my mind active and the relaxing with Christian, as lovely as it may be, is not doing it for me. It gives me time to slip, and the more active and more things I have to do keep my mind so busy that there is no time to slip…" I'm stopped by the chill down my spine.

"Anastasia," That voice calls.

I sit up to see Jack less than six feet from me, his right hand clasped tight around a handgun. While his finger is not over the trigger and the safety is still on, it is unsettling because I have no idea what he is planning to do with it. I don't know if I am his target or Christian is. It better be me. It cannot be Christian, he doesn't deserve to be hurt for me or because of me. I set the camera down, pointing towards Jack and with a wide enough frame to keep up both in shot (but hopefully not a gunshot).

"Jack," I force a smile. "What are you doing here?"

"I've come to help." He's twitchy, not looking right at me.

"Save me from what?"

"Your husband. He's a monster you know. I can't let him hurt you. Not you too."

"What do you mean?"

"Men like him hurt people. They kill people," He glances at me. A moment of eye contact that feels extremely distant. "That's what happened to you the first time. When you came to us. He had broke you… but then you went back to him. They always go back to them."

"Who?"

"The lost ones," He steps closer. "He's hurt lost ones before. He's done it a couple of times before. You're too good for that. Too special. Everyone here sees your specialness."

"Who's been hurt before Jack?" _What the fuck is taking you so long, Luke!_

I get out of the trunk and lead him away from the cars, having turn so his back is to the store in case any one tries to run over to me. I don't want to set him off. Keep my ass protected, and keeping the threat as an open target. Dad taught me that when I would play with my dolls.

"Mom was with one, he killed her and we were left alone in Detroit. All alone— but we had each other so not really all alone. But without parents. Kenzie, she was next. She fell for another, and he left her alone and she died. She died because of him. She didn't know how to do anything once he left her, so she wasted away. Leila, she isn't even a person anymore. She keeps trying to leave me. I can't loose her. Her blood is on his hands. On your precious Christian's."

"Jack, I still don't understand."

"He was with Leila before you. If I had known I could have saved you sooner. But now is as good as ever. You need to leave him, before you end up like her."

Taylor, Luke and Christian run around the side of the building. Two other security guys are physically restraining Christian. They can't see he has a gun, but I will them to know that they have to keep Christian away. He has to stay away.

"Just because people die, doesn't mean they leave you," My eyes start to well up. "It means that they weren't strong enough to survive in a world that takes joy in people's pain. I know loss, Jack. I know pain. I know what it feels like to give up, to want everything to just end. To hold a knife to my own wrists and neck. To sink into a tub and want to just stay under the water. To think that if I only took all the pills in the bottle, I would never have to wake again. I've been there, and it was no one's fault but my own."

"It all needs to end," He flicks the safety off and holds it up. "I can't take care of her. I can't care for her when she needs me, and she'd be best without me."

"That's not true. You know that."

"I want it all to stop!"

"And I'll help you," I motion for Taylor and Luke to stop. "Believe me. I will help you."

"You can't. No one can."

 _The gunshot will set you free. Don't hesitate. Don't pause. It's not going to hurt you. You have to run. Until that gunshot you are captive to that starting block._

It's like someone sprayed one of those mist things over my face, a moment of that, before I'm stumbling across the grass and running as fast as I possibly can to save myself. Not looking behind me or to the sides. Just straight, and as fast as I can. My body numb with adrenaline before I reach the first intersection. Not looking for what could be coming, I run across the street and ignore the honking horns and screeching wheels. A black car blocks my path in the next parking lot, Christian leaping out and pulling me into his arms.

"Lets go home," He breathes into my hair. I shake my head no. He sighs. "Anastasia."

"I have a job to do," I pant. "I need to go back to the meet up. We have a duty to those people. To the hospital tonight. We have to… I _have_ to do this."

"Okay."

He takes me in through one of the side doors, carrying me to a bathroom where they've already covered the mirrors. Kate and Mia start to wash my face and hair, cleaning his blood off of me. Mia has a bag of extra clothes and I change into a warm, emerald green dress and a black cardigan. Only a couple more hours. Then the hospital. Then home. Then this day will be over.

The rest of the Meet Up is wonderfully distracting, but on the car ride over to the hospital with Christian gives me time to sink back to those moments when I should have done something. At no point was that gun ever pointed at me. At many points I could have disarmed him like Taylor has taught me over the past six months. I should have done so much more than just stand there and watch. Stand there and feel his blood and brain matter scary across me.

Grace leads us through the different departments as we hand out gifts, and leave the rest with parents and staff for Santa to deliver in the morning. Everyone deserves a real Christmas, especially those sick in a hospital. Christian and I go home on our own, leaving on a promise to see everyone in the morning. I leave him to his study and find myself lost in the solace of my piano till the early hours of the morning when the tears and emotion are becoming much.

I find Christian asleep on the hall chase just six feet from my room. I wake him, as gently as possible, and wait for him to sit up. Hopefully he can hear me through the sobs and snuffling that I am condemned to.

"Please, Sir," I cry, blubber, and probably look horrid with snot dripping from my nose and puffy eyes. "Please punish me. I need a spanking on my bare bottom."

"No," He coos, pulling me into his lap to rock me like a child. "I will not help you with your self-deprecation. This was not your fault, none of this was. He was sick, and there was nothing you could have done. You're allowed to be sad and mad right now, Blue. you're allowed to hate the world but I will not punish you for reasons that are just made up."

"Please," I wail. "Please just make the pain stop. Please do something."

I'm shivering, but I'm not even cold. It's not cold in here. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel so cold? Why do I feel so wrecked?

Christian lifts me up and carries me to the elevator, just down to the Rec floor. I see Taylor walk of the stairwell, being waved off my Christian who walks to the hot tub. Still clothed he walks down into the swirling pool of hot water.

"I can't even imagine what it would have felt like to be in that situation, Anastasia. And then to continue today with everything that had been planned." He moves some hair from my face. "I have never loved you more, because you are so compassionated and loving."

"He just hurt in his heart and head. He wanted it to stop. I've…" I take a deep breath. "I have wanted to do that too, but I knew that you would always be there waiting for me. I knew then that I had to stay."

"I know."

"He just needed a Christian."

"No. He needed an Anastasia. You know your name fits you."

"I was named after the Russian Princess," I snort.

He wipes my nose with his sleeve. "It means resurrection. You have the ability to start new, to help others start new."

"I couldn't help him though."

"You listened."

* * *

 **AN: So... what do you think? Who's actions are right? Who was pushed too far?**


	61. Chapter 61

**AN: Hey Lovely's. I know I have been missing for a while, but I got sick again and stupidly decided to do six university courses this semester to because I'm not able to decide if something is too much. Anyway, this chapter is up now and I hop you all enjoy.**

* * *

Lips gently press against my bare shoulder, the feeling light and ticklish making me swat the owner. The responding grunt makes me giggle and roll over to see Christian already dressed in a formal casual outfit. The clock behind him reads ten, too early today. I attempt to wiggle under the covers to block out the light, but he won't let me.

"I'm being kind in giving you warning. I can only hold off Kavanaugh so much and she's been chomping at the bit since eight thirty to come and wake you," He smiles.

"Eight thirty?" I groan.

"Yes, now come on."

I crawl out of bed and head over to the closet, stripping from my clothes on the way and find a pair of grey joggers and a red sport tank top with built in bra, changing under the scrutiny of Christian's watchful eye. I brush my hair back into a high pony tail and take Christian's hand before going downstairs to our bustling first level. Kate says nothing, just runs over and hugs me, looking me over as if I am about to vanish. Her eyes are swimming with questions that I can't answer until she actually asks me, because I cannot decode her eyes… brain.

"Let her breathe, Katherine," Christian rolls her eyes. "I told you she was fine."

"And I told you that I'll only believe it if it comes from her," Kate growls back.

"I'm better now," I tell her. "I had a bit of a panic attack over it all last night but I feel much better now."

"What do you need right now then?"

"I'd like to run, and then we can go over to Grace and Carrick's in a bit— or is everyone coming here now?"

"They'll be here in an hour," Christian says. "I thought you'd want to stay in, but that just encouraged Katherine, Elliot and Mia to come in at the crack of dawn."

"Come," Kate pulls me towards the elevators. "I'll run with you."

I raise a brow at her but let her pull me to the elevators and into the fitness center. I have most of my running gear in the fitness area "locker rooms" with enough trainers in various sizes that Kate can pick something she likes. I grab a pair of black Adidas shorts and a neon blue bra, running top, white socks and black Adidas trainers. Kate comes out of one of the private bathrooms in green running capris and grey bra, running top. She goes over to the shelves of shoes and grabs a pair of green Nike trainers and a pair of socks, sitting on the bench to put them on. When we go out into the actual fitness area Christian and Elliot are out there in trainers and shorts, both topless and messing about with each other.

"What are you both up to?" I ask, heading for one of the five treadmills we have set up.

"Christian says you're fast and have the endurance to outrun all of us, so therefore I challenge everyone here to a race," Elliot proclaims. "A battle of speed and endurance!"

"What do I get when I win?" I smile.

"Who says you're going to win?"Elliot quips.

Kate, Christian, and I raise our hands and laugh at his face as his expression drops makings laugh even harder. We all step up onto the treadmills, agreeing that we have to keep it at a five or higher on a 1-10 level for speed and if we stop or lower the speed below a five we're out. Mia comes in with a magazine and sits on the chair along the windows to watch us.

In training for marathons I can run for a long time on an eight, so I immediately turn mine up to eight to see if Elliot would even risk matching speed. He's not a runner, and I know that. It is going to be an easy win. Kate keeps at a five, Christian has his at 5.9, and Elliot presses his button up to a 6.5.

"You're basically letting her win," Kate teases.

"There's no way she can run going that fast," Elliot pants.

"She can run at a seven for three hours," Christian says.

"What?" Elliot's smile falls and he almost trips up.

"She trains for marathons. We've talked about this."

I laugh and keep going, surpassing all of them in time and speed. If I run long enough for everything to go numb, for my lungs to ache and burn for air, for the black vignette to start swarming me. I can't stop till my body gives out. Can't help him… I should have been able to do something. I should have said something to stop him. Told him I'd go with him or something. I knock the speed up another level to ten, my feet struggle to keep up with the pace I've set and still manage to do anything proper.

"Anastasia!" Christian shouts, pulling me off before I fall and really injure myself. "It's okay. everything's okay."

"I want to talk to Lucy," I whimper. "I need to talk to Lucy."

"Okay," He lifts me up and carries me towards the elevator.

Passing Elliot I smile at him, "I still win."

When I'm washed, dressed and somewhat together I meet Lucy in my studio and sit quietly on the couch. The tears haven't stopped and it's Christmas, but at least I can give her the painting I made for her, even though we'll need to hire a van to transfer the six by six foot painting that I created for her office.

"I know what happened yesterday, so you don't have to explain any of that to me, but I want to know what was going through your head then and this morning," She smiles.

"I don't really know," I shrug and slump down into the cushions. "I was scared, but not for me for Christian or Taylor or Sawyer or anyone who would try to intervene. I didn't think he was going to kill himself, but then there was this look of absolute surrender in his eyes. My mom was walking around with that look for weeks before she killed herself. I thought if he lat it all out he could relax and then I could help, but I didn't do anything fast enough. I wasn't fast enough."

"Ana, I talked to those working on the case. Jack had a long history of depression and bi-polar disorder, he had been committed for attempted suicides multiple times in the past. It was not your fault, he was ill."

"Like me?"

"Are you feeling depressed?"

"I'm depressed, anxious, scattered, feeling sick off and on for weeks, and before you ask I am not pregnant because I checked first, and some days it feels like I want to be held and cared for and others I just want to sleep and never wake up!"

"Have you talked to Christian about all of this?"

"He carries all his shit and mine on his shoulders, I don't want to add to it." I look back up at her. "Christmas is the time I lost my family. The time my Mom killed herself. The time I was placed with _them_. It's just… it's all I can think of and yet I am here with my new family and my husband and I am supposed to be happy. And fuck, I took you away from your family. I'm so sorry."

"You took me away from my mother in law harassing me about her getting grand children. I told you that I am available to you any hour off any day." She tries to make light of the situation. "It's okay to feel all of those things too, but what else have we talked about? We've talked about staying in the present and not focusing too hard on the past, and you were getting quite good at it. Today you get to celebrate and have fun, you can help make dinner if you want or dessert, and I know that you took extra care in picking everyone's gifts so think about that."

"What about the depression and anxiety?"

"I can prescribe you an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety if that is what you wish. I know you have not agreed with the idea in the past," She sighs and takes my hand. "I need you to tell me if you are feeling at all suicidal."

"I'd rather be locked up in prison than do that to Christian and Kate."

"Okay. I want to see you at least twice a week till you have fully processed what has happened. I'll send you the appointment times, and if you need to see me more or talk more you know how to reach me."

"Thank you." I smile and stand, walking over to my racks of finished art. "It's not wrapped and can't go with you now but I made you something."

"Ana, you also gave me a cruise trip with my husband."

"I know, but this is kind of for the office too."

She nods and I pull the canvas out and awkwardly lean it against the wall. It's based on a picture she has in her lobby, but it's small. It's a sunset over the sound that captures a lot of downtown Seattle, and took me till two days ago to complete after starting it as soon as we arrived back state-side.

"It's beautiful," She beams. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I thought it would fit better on that huge blank wall than that odd poster you have, and it will bring some more color in."

I walk her out to the elevator, and watch Grace send Lucy with a tin of baked goodies. I find Christian and jump onto his back, nuzzle his neck and kiss his cheek. He's in the kitchen with everyone else and is slowly cutting yams and potatoes, probably the only job that Gail and Grace trust him with. I drop off his back and help Kate and Mia set the huge table, placing Christmas Crackers at each setting and sprinkle special confetti and sparkles all over the table. Looking under the table there is a huge amalgamation of presents stacked tall. Everyone here has a specific wrapping paper assigned to them, and it's in the stockings that we will empty out in a bit. Grace, Kiera and Gail want to get everything at least started for dinner, lunch is just a lot of finger sandwiches, soup, fruits, vegetables and cakes set up across the breakfast bar. I help with the green bean casserole, and let Christian organize a plate of food for me for lunch, and we eat in the informal area of the kitchen. We have some staff joining us as friends because a lot of them have become friends and even family, primarily Gail, Taylor and Sawyer. Ros and Gwen are coming out for dinner, but won't arrive till five.

"I was thinking I might join you on some of you marathons, at least train with you for a while," Kate surprises me. "Get more cardio in my life."

"Yeah. Sure." I blink at her. "How do you want to do that? I usually run in the mornings."

"Yeah, and you're not a morning person," Elliot teases.

"I can't try," Kate gulps. "Just maybe not every day."

"Deal."

"This I've got to see," Mr. Kavanaugh smirks.

"You not joining them, Mia?" Christian raises a brow.

"And sweat that much? Do you know how much a Brazilian Blow Out costs?" Mia says.

"Actually I do, since I pay for it."

We all laugh and I talk to Kate about what training for a marathon generally entails. The amount of running, the times I am aiming to get to, and which marathons I am already registered with and which ones she would need to register soon to join me as an active participant instead of a running buddy like Sawyer is going to be.

When everyone is finished with lunch we all share the responsibility of cleaning everything up, change the temperatures in the ovens and stoves, and head into the living room where Mia hands out the stockings to each of us respectively. The stockings are mostly filled with Christmas treats and the necessary underwear, socks and orange. I don't get the orange but it seems important to all the Grey's, so I just go with it. We break for a round of hot chocolate and then move on to presents when we all know which wrapping paper belongs to us. Mine is a brown parchment paper with gold and red stamped stars, trees, and Santa's all over, it's very me. In fact all wrapping papers match up to personalities.

I attempt to avoid having to open much in front of everyone as I am not one for having a huge audience to watch me open gifts they got me with eager eyes to see how I would react to everything. Doesn't work out well but they're quick to seeing that their big reactions are not really comfortable for me. We thank everyone and have a mid afternoon rest as Grace, Kiera, and Gail start back up in the kitchen and work on dinner. I leave everyone to go and edit the vlog from yesterday and work on something to get my mind somewhat sorted out.

I edit out as much as I can, but shoot an extra bit on the couch to add to the end on the importance, again, of talking about depression and mental health and always being mindful of everyone and compassionate even if you are unsure. It added about ten minutes to my vlog but it is worth it. I haven't filmed much for today, but there is a little bit that I think others have filmed around opening presents and our running match this morning, so tomorrows short vlog will counter today's really long one. I leave my computer for the video to render and upload, moving towards my piano and blank sheets of sheet music to start to work a new piece. I immediately know that it is deeper, bolder and darker. I film the working of the piece until my video is fully uploaded and I decide that I need a break. Shutting everything down in my office before heading back downstairs, joining everyone who is watching The Santa Clause in the home theatre. I plop down in Christian's lap and rest my head on his shoulder. I'm safe here, content, and even happy when I'm in his arms or lap and he can just hold me.

"You okay?" He whispers.

"Yeah, I was just working at the piano," I smile. "New piece I had an idea for."

"Okay."

"Happy Christmas, Christian," I kiss his cheek.

"Are you sure you're okay? Kate explained why Christmas isn't you're thing, and don't get upset with her because I made her tell me."

"I didn't want to worry or concern you," I frown.

"You never do, but no matter what you tell me I love you and will want to help you even if it is to bury a body."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Love. I know now."

After the film we wash up and all go to the formal dining room that is all nicely set from our decorating earlier. Everyone goes around saying what they're thankful for this year, what they are hoping for next year, and then we all dig in. I watch various dishes pass me by and don't take anything. My stomach is churning in my stomach, it's just my anxiety but makes my stomach want to purge. I don't know what to do, didn't know what to say so said the stupidest things when they came to me. I'm just a fucking joke. When I look down at my plate it is filled, by no one other than my husband. We eat, everyone talks and the world slowly moves onward.

 **THREE MONTHS LATER- LOS ANGELES MARATHON**

I can see the finish line coming up fast, few men run around me as I've left most far behind me. I have gone through three running buddies who have really had to push to keep up with me for security purposes. Sawyer is running the last mile with me, and I may be able to break ahead of these guys and come out on the time I set for myself. No women has hit the two hour mark or less and I am going to do this, I have to do this. Crossing the finish line I throw myself at Christian who is waiting for me. Kate shoves a water bottle in my hand and they carry me off as I empty the bottle in under a minute.

"You did it baby," Christian smiles and kisses my neck. "World record holder."

"Can't feel legs," I pant.

He traces my collar bone, too much for him, then plays with the lines of my abs that have developed more and more since Christmas. I just want to lay down on the ground and absorb the cool grass as the sweat pools under me.

"Way to go, Ana," Grace smiles. "That was incredible to watch."

"I want to relax in a hot tub, and never move, and a tub of ice cream, and McDonald's, and pizza, and to sleep on a bed made of clouds."

"I'll work on all of that," Christian chuckles.

"Good."

"Any other requests?"

"Can you take my shoes off?"

He sets me on the ground and takes off my now ruined trainers, tossing them aside as security and family set up around us. Christian's hand presses against my stomach again and we look at each other, before he moves his hands under my armpits and lifts me up to my feet. We'll be heading back to the hotel soon and then hopefully fly back to Seattle for tonight. I want to sleep in our bed tonight, after being down here for a week practicing on these roads.

"We'll be home soon," He smiles. "And the doctor will be coming by tomorrow morning if you're alive."

"Do I get to sleep in?"

"Of course."

* * *

 **AN:If only you all knew what was going to happen... Let me hear your guesses though because I am curious.**

 **I am going to start a game with you all. I will give a question and I want a song title as the answer (the iPod shuffle game), whether or not it is just funny or it works well as the answer... and then I will work it into chapters. So our starting question, with a song by you all as the answer, is:**

 **How do you feel about politics? ( Now do you worst with answers)**

 **Love You All!**

 **-Mouse**


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